Before becoming a parent, one should think very carefully as to whether or not they are in a position to do so.
Even so, some people become parents without any planning, at very unexpected times in their lives.
While some are able to easily make the adjustment, and enjoy the tremendous gift they have been given, others are less lucky and find themselves struggling almost literally every which way.
Redditor Throwaway_79272 had always wanted to be a parent, which made him happy to discover that his ex-girlfriend was expecting his child.
Unfortunately, she and her new partner didn't want the original poster (OP) to be remotely involved in the child's life, and the OP reluctantly obliged their wish.
Shortly thereafter, however, when the OP's ex called on him for help, he flat-out refused, owing to their previous agreement.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I TheA**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not playing any child support?"
The OP explained why he was unwilling to help his ex-girlfriend with their child, despite his long desire to be a father.
'My ex-girlfriend, Claire (35 F[emale]), got pregnant while we were dating."
"Although she told me she just wanted to be friends, I was ready to be a father."
"However, she met someone else, Becca, who didn't want me around, so they asked me to cancel my paternal rights."
"At the time, I was torn because I wanted to be there for my child, but I also felt that if they didn't want me around, it was best to waive my rights."
"After fighting for a while, I eventually gave up because it was clear that they didn't want me there."
"Fast forward 13 years later, Claire and Becca are going through some stuff, and they want me to pay child support."
"However, the court had already ruled that since I waived my paternal rights, I am not legally obliged to pay child support."
"Despite this, Claire is calling me a b*stard and a deadbeat, and she's even calling my family and getting them involved."
"While I understand her frustration, I don't think it's appropriate for her to be involving my family in this matter."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to pay child support.
Everyone thought that it was completely unfair for the OP's ex-girlfriend to refuse to allow the OP to be part of his own child's life, and still expect him to pay child support.
Many felt the OP did nothing wrong, even if there were some who felt the OP should at least consider it, not for the sake of his ex and her partner, but for his child.
"NTA."
"They wanted your parental rights and responsibilities terminated. They've been terminated."-venom8599
"NTA."
"They didn't want you to be a dad, so you aren't a dad."
'They're only regretting their decision now because they need money."
"If you consider helping out financially, you need to insist that you also be allowed to have a relationship with your kid with no secrets about why you haven't been around."
"The kid deserves to know that the only reason you weren't around is because of their moms."-LadyF16
"NTA."
"Tell them your financial obligations ended after you waived your parental rights at their request."-RoseTyler38
"NTA."
"When I read the title I was very ready to say you're the AH, but in this situation you're right."
"You tried to be involved and they shut you down. They can't come after you 13 years later for money."- Narrow_Coyote8899
"NTA."
"So they only want you to be a dad when it's convenient to them?"
"But yet they kicked you out of your child life."
"Block them and get your family to block them."- Serious-Day5968
"NTA."
"They didn't want you involved, and by doing so, they forfeited the right to expect/request child support."- thenameskat94
"NTA."
"You were coerced to waive your rights, and you are in no legal or moral obligation."
"You were merely a sperm donor, at least according to your ex and her new partner."
"If you want to pay child support, that is definitely up to you."
"Personally, I'd ask to have some contact with your child, AND instead of just forking over money, I'd ask them what the child needs and get those things."
"Not hand over money which may or may not go towards the child."- SilverNeurotic
"NTA legally."
"She and Becca told you to f*ck off, but now they want you as a bank."
"IF you do still want a relationship with your child, put forth this offer:"
"Ask for split custody and parental rights instead."
"No child support."
"If there's split custody, then your ex only has to house and feed him 50% of the time, which relieves a significant economic burden."
"They'll obviously say no, because it's never about relieving their economic burden, they just want an easy way to your money."
"At which point cut them out and rebut anyone that complaints with 'I made them an offer, they refused'."
"'That's the end of my cares'."
"Though also keep in mind, you owe them nothing."
"It's just about not wanting the child to suffer."- Diligent_Pride_7314
"NTA."
"They had you waive your rights."
"Play stupid games and win stupid prizes."- whereisthetvchanger
"The thing about waiving your rights is that once you do, the child is no longer yours."
"You have no claim, but also no obligation."
"Claire wants to have her cake and eat it too."
"She wanted complete control, but now wants you to fund it."
"Do not give any money without consulting a lawyer if you can to reinstate your parental rights."
"Otherwise, she is asking for money for a kid that's no longer yours."
"Hasn't been for years."
"Hard as that is, this is a 14 year old kid you have had no part in raising."
"Is that supposed to change now?"
"Think hard before giving any money."- Shibaspots
"NTA."
"But it's a crappy situation."
"I don't know how they made it clear 'they didn't want you around' but it's 13 years later, they can't just change the rules because they're facing challenges."- EmptyResource1776
"DO NOT PAY THEM ANYTHING."
"That is no longer your child, even if it hurts."
"They cut you out and are trying to use the child as a weapon."
"Explain to your family the situation and that it's legally the dumbest idea to pay, and your child is 13 already and doesn't need a random stranger coming in playing dad."
"When he's an adult, maybe you guys can have a relationship."
"This probably is difficult and painful as you wanted the child but were manipulated to back off, but what's best for the child and yourself is to stay away from these women."
"DO NOT GIVE THEM ANYTHING."
"If anyone pressures you to talk about it, let them know they do not understand the situation and should not be listening to a bitter ex who demanded you legally stay out of your child's life."- Gangstalyn
"NTA."
"Just, no."
"They wanted you out, so you're out."
"You know what's an AH move?"
"Telling someone to beat it, and then a decade later telling that someone that they are a deadbeat."
"Unless you want a relationship with your kid, block and ignore."- Bo_O58
"Oh really?"
"She just happened to meet this other woman right after you fathered a baby for them to raise?"
"She needed a sperm donor, and she found one."
"She was manipulative then, and she's being manipulative now."
"NTA."- Thingamajiggles
"They still don't want YOU there, they want your money there."
"They fought tooth and nail to have you give up parental rights."
"Thats what they get, and frankly thats what they deserve."
"They took over a decade of bonding with your bio daughter away from you. They cant just wave a wand and give that time back to you."
"NTA."- Lubwurst
"NTA."
"She asked for that."
"You reluctantly obliged."
"And you gave up a relationship."
"Tell her when you get all those years back where you could have had a relationship (had she not begged you), you'll then pay child support."- SpecialistAfter511
"Wow… that took a turn."
"I was already to cast my opinion… but NTA!"
"You gave up parental rights, which means you are not obligated to pay child support."- always-traveling
If the OP's ex allowed him to be a present father in his child's life, not only would one expect he would willingly pay child support, it would, in fact, be his obligation.
But for the OP's ex to expect him to pay child support yet otherwise stay out of the life of his own child, which he clearly wishes was not the case, is absurd to the point of shocking.
Something the OP's ex and her current partner should have seriously considered before demanding he relinquish his rights.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.