It's always an adjustment for children when their parents remarry, and they get a new step-parent.
Those who are lucky get along with their new step-parents instantly, eventually growing to love them like their own.
In sadder cases though, some children simply never accept their stepparents as part of their family, no matter how hard they might try to create a happy relationship.
Redditor Clear_Sheepherder_63 made every effort to create a strong relationship with his stepdaughter.
Sadly, she flatly refused to ever be on good terms, with the original poster (OP), eventually deciding to cut him out of her life.
That is, until she became engaged, and hoped the OP might be involved in her wedding, which the OP firmly decided against.
Wondering if he was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to spend my money on my stepdaughter's wedding?"
The OP explained how he found himself surprised that his stepdaughter wanted him involved in her wedding owing to their fraught relationship.
"My wife passed away when my sons were 8 and 4 respectively."
"Since then I remarried and my new wife and I have been married for some 11 years now."
"She herself was married before and had a daughter of her own from her own past marriage."
"Her ex-husband's story is its own saga but suffice to say he's alive but isn't in their life anymore."
"When we married, my bio-children were 13 and 9 and my step-daughter was 12."
"For 11 years I tried to make some bridges, I would get her gifts and try to make sure she always got what she wanted."
"I did everything I could to make her happy."
"I would drive her to school, be at her extracurriculars, I paid for the nicest private schools for her I could."
"Not to mention, I worked day and night so I could give her the lifestyle she deserved (my wife is a house-wife, a choice she made after she voluntarily quit her job in marketing)."
"I tried my best and treated her just like my sons, but she continued to hate me."
"This came to a head specifically when my step-daughter graduated about 5 years ago."
'While my eldest son had invited my wife (his stepmom) to his graduation, my stepdaughter refused to invite me."
"She had two tickets, but she only invited her mother (her grandparents refused as they live in my wife's native country)."
"When I asked why? She said 'You're not my dad, you didn't raise me, and I don't want you in my life'."
"I was heartbroken, I tried very hard for her to like me but she hated me."
"Still I paid for her college (I paid for both of my son's colleges as well)."
"Nevertheless, a few months back, she informed my wife that she will be getting married. "
"I only found out, when my wife told me.'
"What was even more devastating is that she said she would come home to celebrate, and I brought a cake, and balloons and so much more."
"Then, last minute, she changed plans."
"She just told my wife that she should come over to her apartment, without my sons and I."
"I was shattered."
"When I did eventually called to congratulate her, she just tried to end the conversation as quickly as she could."
"The last thing I had asked was maybe the honor to have a father-daughter dance with her, which she had shot down."
"I said nothing, but then came the bill and my wife said she needed some money for her wedding."
"I considered it long and hard, but clearly as she didn't consider me as her father, I said I would not be paying for her wedding."
"I told my wife, that she had money saved up, it was her to choice to use that if she wanted, but I would not be paying for her wedding."
"She was furious at me, she said she barely had any money saved up and I was being an awful person."
"I have received calls from all of my wife's family telling me that I should pay (mainly her immediate family, like my father-in-law and my brother-in-law)."
"The whole thing has become a mess, it has divided our family but I am still holding my ground."
"I want to be clear, I will absolutely be paying for my son's wedding when it comes."
"I want to also clarify that this is going to be far from a minor financial inconvenience."
"While, I am sufficiently wealthy, it is still not something that will not go easy on my bank-account."
"My wife's family is Indian."
"Her ex-husband was Indian and my step-daughter is Indian."
"Her wedding is going to have probably around 400-600 people."
"My wife has been an amazing mother to both our boys and our girl."
"She is loving and dotting wife, who runs a phenomenal house."
"She tried to get her daughter close to me as well, to little consequence."
"I also do not think that I could be where I am without her (and certainly before her, I was nowhere close to where I am in my success)."
"It is also true that my money has always been our-money, and she does most of the accounting for the house anyway."
"If I do this, I would be doing this for her, not my daughter."
"Moreover, if she really wanted to, she could do it without my approval."
"More than half the money is in bank accounts with her name on them (long story, involving bad business decisions early in my life, which gave me bad credit)."
"If she wanted to, she could."
"She never has, and I do not think she will."
"If she does, that will be her choice, and even if she told me she was going to, I do not think I will stop her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to pay for his stepdaughter's wedding.
Everyone agreed that since not only did the OP's stepdaughter only send the OP the bill for the wedding through her mother, but since the OP likely wouldn't even be invited to the wedding, then he shouldn't contribute one cent.
"NTA, why on earth would you pay for this?"
"You probably aren't even on the guest list."
"She's used to using your money."
"That should have stopped longer ago, but now is as good a time as any."- Dry-Spring5230
"NTA."
"Your step daughter said you are not her dad."
"You are not obliged to pay for her wedding since you are not her dad, even though you tried and supported her."
"Ask them to ask for money from her biological dad."
"That's the very least they can do."
"At this age, her daughter will never accept you as a father figure, so you can accept that fact and act accordingly."- sarpofun
"I noticed right off that step daughter did not contact you to ask you to pay for the wedding."
"NTA."- Traveling-Techie
"NTA."
"Frankly your wife holds a lot of responsibility as to why your stepdaughter does not respect you."
"It would appear you're paying for private school and paying for her college is not a good enough reason for your wife to have some very strong conversations with your daughter about respect and what family actually means."- adventuresofViolet
"NTA."
"Your wife is being unreasonable. Her daughter shouldn't expect it."
"The fact that you paid for her college was more than enough."- niennabobenna
The OP later returned with an update, sharing what he and his wife ultimately decided to do.
"After reading some of your comments, a lot of thinking, and a long conversation with my wife, my wife and I came to a decision."
'Firstly, my wife understands where I am coming from."
"In the original conversation with my wife, I put my foot-down without properly explaining my reasoning behind that decision."
"I was just angry, and I should have communicated better."
"After explaining, however, my wife sympathized with me and said she doesn't know what the right thing to do here is either, but she said she'll do whatever I think is right."
"After some talking and thinking, we came to the following conclusion."
"For what it's worth, we will give her $50,000."
"This is more than plenty for a great wedding."
"It's less than a third of the $160,000 she wanted from us (and 1/4 of the estimated $200,000 her wedding was going to cost)."
"Not to mention, her fiancé's dad is himself giving her around $50,000 (Between 40k-60k)."
"My wife also further informed our daughter that neither of us will be attending the wedding (this was a decision my wife made of her own volition)."
"After informing her on the call, she came to our home to pick-up the check."
"We told her that this would be the last money we would be giving her."
"She said that it was better we cut her out of our life anyway, as she didn't want me to ruin her new life."
"My wife and I were angry, but everyone held their tongue."
"She left, and she will no longer be a part of our life."
It's sad to see how not only did the OP's stepdaughter make zero effort to improve their relationship but seemed to actively try and create distance between them.
Even despite the OP making every effort to be as present a father to her as he possibly could.
Some would say that the $50,000 the OP and his wife gave her was far more than she deserved.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp