All living beings do indeed take part in the “circle of life” as it were.
While we grow up being taken care of by our parents, there comes a time for everyone when the roles are reversed, and we become the ones caring for them as they grow older.
Some are lucky to have parents who remain in good health and with all of their faculties intact until their dying day.
While others are lucky to have siblings who are able and willing to help them, resulting in an even distribution of responsibilities.
Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky.
The health of Redditor 0konok0‘s mother took a steep decline far earlier than he or his two siblings expected.
Owing to the original poster (OP)’s situation, however, he found himself more or less becoming her full-time caregiver.
Thankfully, the OP managed to find what seemed like a solution that would be in the best interest of his mother and his entire family.
Until, that is, his siblings accused him of “ruining” their holiday season for doing so.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for “ruining” the Holidays due to placing our mom in LTC?”
The OP explained how he found himself at odds with his siblings just ahead of the holiday season:
“So, I (28 M[ale]) have two siblings Theo (35 M) and Abby(38 F[emale]).”
“Our mother had a stroke back in 2019 and our father passed away in early 2021.”
“I have been taking care of her since.”
“I dropped out of my graduate program to take care of our mom.”
“Since January things with our mom became more stressful, increased memory issues, lack of sleep, and I was generally burnt out.”
“During this time, my siblings did not offer any assistance.”
“They have families and lives.”
“It fell on me because, at the time, I was staying with our parents in their apartment in NY since I was going to school in NY.”
“Each year, I would fly or drive to VA so our mom could see my siblings and her grandkids.”
“I found a place for our mom back in February, and I informed my siblings that they had no objection at the time.”
“Now that major Holidays are coming around, they have been asking me if I am going to bring Mom.”
“I told them no, I was not, but if they wanted to take her, they were 100% free to take her.”
“I told them she is not in prison, and I did put them on the list for approved people to take her out.”
“They told me they could not do that it would be far too complicated.”
“I told them that is unfortunate, but I am going on vacation, so I would not be available.”
“Now all of a sudden I have everyone and their mother reaching out to me telling me how selfish and heartless I am being towards our mother.”
“I pretty much lashed out at Theo, who was hosting this year, and told him off.”
“I told him he has no right to call me selfish.”
“I was the one that stepped up to care for mom after her stroke and our dad passed.”
“I handled the sleepless nights, the wandering, the outbursts, the doctor’s appointments.”
“I handled getting her Medicaid, I handled everything and put my life on hold to do so.”
“They got to see the pleasant side of our mom, and if she had an outburst, I was the one that had to deal with it.”
“Then he said I should have asked for help.”
“He claimed he figured I had it all handled and did not need help.”
“I told him I should not have had to ask I was 23 when mom had her stroke and 25 when dad passed.”
“You knew I was stressed and was handling everything.”
“I told him he did not even offer to help me set up the arrangements for our dad’s funeral.”
“Neither did Abby.”
“He said he cannot read minds; I should have asked.”
“So, at that moment, I said fine and asked him, “Can you come pick up Mom so she can go over for Thanksgiving?”
“I will cover the travel fare.”
“He came up with excuses like it was short notice.”
“I said fine, what about Christmas and again came up with an excuse.”
“After that, I told him this is why I did not ask because you f*cks will always come up with an excuse to get out of it.”
“I told him that is how you two have always been.”
“Apologize for the borderline rant, I am just pissed at the moment.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for putting his mother in a long-term care facility.
Everyone agreed that the OP in no way “ruined” the holidays and that his siblings were once again thinking of no one other than themselves and were beyond ungrateful for all the OP had done and sacrificed for their mother for far too long:
“NTA.”
“One of my siblings is not the best and just expects people to cover for them.”
“It’s tiring and they don’t want to be wrong, so you have to end up as the bad guy when you didn’t do anything good luck be prepared for some fallout.”- BriefHorror
“NTA.”
“As someone who works in LTC, you did the right thing.”
“We see so much caregiver burnout.”
“We are trained to work with our residents.”
“We are trained to handle outbursts, dementia, etc.”
“And we get relief.”
“We get to change shifts and step away from things.”
“It is incredible seeing the change in some of our families once their loved one is in our care.”
“The amount of relief they feel.”
“They’re able to fully just think about themselves again.”
“Your siblings suck.”
“They’re the worst kinds of people, in my opinion.”
“The type of people who refuse to acknowledge the stress their family member is experiencing.”
“And who demonize placing a loved one in LTC.”- decertotilltheend
“NTA.”
“It is not your job to manage your siblings.”
“It is definitely not your job to drop everything to take mom to an event others are hosting.”
“Why can’t they f*cking figure it out.”
“I would turn the script on your brother and remind him that love is shown by actions.”
“Where has his love for mom been?”- GreekAmericanDom
“NTA.”
“Givers have to set limits because takers never do.”
“As long as you keep giving, they’ll keep taking.”
“You have a life also.”
“Live it just as they’re living their lives.”- Jaded-Cup4978
“NTA.”
“‘Good for you for making the tough but good decision of what was best for you and your mom.”
“You’re right.”
“She’s their mom too. If they wanted to help, they would have done so without you having to ask.”
“They would have been sending you some money to hire a nurse so that you could finish school.”
“They don’t get to ignore your mom and neglect you, and now they pretend to be offended because they can’t play happy family for the holidays.”
“I hope you have an amazing vacation.”- noonecaresat805
“NTA.”
“Sure, to an extent, advocating for ourselves is important.”
“But you left graduate school to take care of your mom.”
“Was that not a clear enough signal you could have used the help?”
“They also never clearly wanted to be involved if the moment the benefits go away is the first time they have a problem.”
“Also, your offer to pay for the travel is very generous, and his immediate negation of that is proof he is clearly unaware of how biased his stance is.”
“He wants all the unpaid labor and mental load to be taken care of.”
“Also clearly because he thinks everything is too short notice.”
“If he’s married/in a long-term relationship, I’d be curious how his spouse feels about their split of responsibilities.”
“I’m so glad you put yourself first finally and also set your mom up to be cared for.”
“Also bravo for not gatekeeping your mother’s care by making them capable of taking your mother out.”
“You’re doing everything right, fairly, and well.”
“I don’t think based on what you’ve said, the outburst was unwarranted.”
“That said, this might be a great time to talk to your siblings about the responsibilities of taking care of your mom going forward.”
“I wouldn’t bring up what you’ve done since that has clearly never mattered to them, and they don’t value that, but I’d be very clear about what your mom needs and what you can offer going forth…..”
“And I’d stick to your guns and put it on them to fill in the rest.”
“They have lots of demands on your mom, but think they can provide zero input.”
“That should stop immediately.”
“Good luck!”- Krick_t
Perhaps because they felt their mother was being adequately cared for, the OP’s siblings never seemed to stop and consider the toll it was taking on the OP.
Also, it was pretty presumptuous of Theo to “host” the holidays this year and just assume the OP would be in charge of getting their mother there. Even if the OP’s siblings now have families of their own, their mother and the OP never stopped being family either.
And family should always come first.