Making a good impression on one's future in-laws can be a very stressful endeavor.
But for some parents, no one will ever be good enough for their son or daughter, no matter how hard they try.
Such was sadly the case for Redditor, meatburgerler, who simply couldn't make a good impression on his future father-in-law, no matter how hard he tried.
Not helping matters, he was frequently the subject of very personal jokes from his soon-to-be father in law, eventually leading to a very tense exchange.
But after being scolded by his fiancé, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for reminding my father in law that I'm sleeping with his daughter at a family event?"
The OP began by sharing how he and his fiancée's father are very different personality types, which isn't a problem for him, but is for his future father and brothers-in-law.
"So my fiancée's old man is a hard ass."
"He's just a classic man's man, beer, guns, and whiskey guy."
"I'm the exact opposite."
"I write poetry, I design clothes, I work in an office."
"I'm just not like how he thinks a man should be and he never lets me forget."
"He constantly makes it a point to remind me that I better hold on to his daughter as she's used to having 'real men' in her life."
"And a 'real man' might come and snatch her up."
"He also loves to insinuate that I am gay which I really am not a fan of."
"Her brothers are similar, and make sure I know that I'm a pretty boy and not a manly man so if I every wrong their baby sister they'll come after me."
Things came to a head at a recent family gathering, when the OP was subject to the usual behavior of his fiancée's father and brothers, but finally found the courage to talk back to them.
"Last week I went to dinner at her families house with her parents, her brothers and their wives."
"Prior to dinner, the men went out while the women cooked."
"I tried to stay with the women, but my fiancée told me it'd make her really happy if I found some way to bond with the guys in her family."
"So I went out and it was unpleasant."
"At first we were talking about football, until her brother asked me if I was ever a cheerleader, as I look like the type to wear a skirt."
"This began a maybe 4 minute long session of them mocking my sexuality and masculinity."
"I tried to be level headed, but this type of behavior has been happening for the last 4 years."
"I snapped."
"I looked at her father in the eye and said, and I quote, 'next time you call me gay, just remember that I regularly f*ck the sh*t out of your daughter'."
"This of course was considered out of line and I was met with yelling and an argument ensued."
"The women came outside and her dad said that I need to leave and that I'm too vulgar for this family and I don't respect him (which I don't)."
"My fiancée fought for me to stay, but I was tired of it."
"My fiancée left with me and she was pissed off at me but not her dad."
"She said that I need to be the bigger person and I'm not making my relationship with her family any better."
"I didn't really have a way to defend myself as she's right that what I said shouldn't have been said, but I think I'm not an asshole as I have endured this for 4 years and made one clap back in that time."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed the OP's behavior was justified, and that he was not this a**hole in this situation.
Many felt the OP's fiancée should have stood up for him, as her father and brothers constantly insulted him, which he shouldn't have had to put up with.
"Tell fiancé she has to finally stand up to her family and put an end to the mocking."
"They're probs not gonna like you anyway, but she's not doing a good job of standing up for you."
"If they are messed up in other ways, you may need to tell her you may have to reconsider the marriage if it gets to that bad of a point."- Professional_Tip6789.
"Does your fiancee know how you're treated?"
"My father was extremely inappropriate to my then fiancé, now husband, at Christmas and I shut that shit down immediately."
"I will always and forever defend my husband and if my family crosses a line or makes him uncomfortable in any way, they get one chance to rectify their behavior."
"We aren't going to my family's Christmas this coming year because of their behavior last Christmas, for example."
"NTA."
"She should have shut that behavior down or gone LC/NC with them long ago."-chaosandpuppies.
"NTA."
"Honestly I'm surprised she's never stood up for you."
"Her dad and brothers are bullies, and you finally had enough."
"I love the comeback though, honestly HILARIOUS."- Lil_lib_snowflake.
"I think your wife is the TA here."
"It's her family, and if she's not willing to stand up to them and let them know you win every single time in her book, so if they want a relationship with her they have to stop abusing her spouse."
"Otherwise, no more family visits."- ArmNo8807
Some even wondered if the OP should stay with his fiancée based on the behavior of her family.
"NTA."
"This is all cute and funny about your comeback, but the longer term issue is serious."
"You need to think about this woman, if she is going to be a good partner."
"You need to say to her very seriously, 'are you ok with them calling me a cheerleader, gay and not a real man?'"
"She will say 'oh that's just them you know how they are'."
"Is that how you want to live til you're 70 or more?"
"Her defending these Klan members to you?"-Unit-Healthy.
"NTA."
"You need to have a real come-to-Jesus conversation with your fiancée."
"My mom's family was not nearly as bad as your fiancée's sounds, but they were very undermining, passive aggressive, etc. to my now-husband earlier in our relationship."
"I was raised in that environment, so people being sh*tty to one another was just...something you had to deal with as part of a family (spoiler: it isn't)."
"He was very clear that he didn't find that behavior acceptable and would not be treated that way."
"I'm embarrassed to admit that, similar to your fiancée, I wasn't able to see his perspective for some time."
"You just had to put your head down and take the abuse as far as I was concerned, family is family after all."
"Thankfully, my husband is as stubborn as I am and wasn't willing to put up with that crap."
"It took a long time and a lot of work, but he was able to help me work through a lot of those issues."
"We don't see certain family members anymore."
"Others have also learned that we won't accept their passive aggressive (sometimes overtly aggressive) BS and our relationship has improved dramatically."
"I say all of this because I think a lot of people are just going to say 'leave her, get out', but I think that if you love this person and she's willing to work through this, there may still be hope."
"The hard line is that you should not be asked to attend family gatherings/interact with people where you will be abused."
"She can go by herself."
"This may be difficult for her (it was for me at first, until I realized I was miserable at these events also and stopped going), but this is where she needs to start learning that just accepting that type of treatment is neither normal nor healthy."
"There's likely a lot of suppressed family trauma there and working through this probably won't be easy."
"So I guess it's just up to you to decide if it's worth it."- roccamanamana.
"NTA"
". If she does not think you were justified and her family major a**holes, maybe reconsider this engagement."
"This abuse against you will never end and it will culminate with resentment between you and ultimately a messy break-up."
"Get out now."
"Save yourself the trauma."-Shuruga36.
"NTA, but I would seriously reconsider this marriage if your fiancée isn't going stick up for you to her family."
"The whole group is super toxic, and if you're not allowed to clap back now then you never will be."
"You will spend the rest of your marriage and/or life hating your in-laws and waiting for your wife to choose you over her family."-KaleKatarn.
"4 yrs and your wife's dad and bros have not stopped."
"Did she do anything about it?"
"Either go no contact with the dad and bros or if wife does not stop blaming you for this, leave her."-rasperry2021.
It's understandable that OP's fiancée doesn't want to find herself estranged from her family.
But how can she possibly expect the OP to ever become part of her family if her father and brothers don't start treating him with respect.
It seems like a very serious conversation is needed.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.