Making a good impression on one’s future in-laws can be a very stressful endeavor.
But for some parents, no one will ever be good enough for their son or daughter, no matter how hard they try.
Such was sadly the case for Redditor, meatburgerler, who simply couldn’t make a good impression on his future father-in-law, no matter how hard he tried.
Not helping matters, he was frequently the subject of very personal jokes from his soon-to-be father in law, eventually leading to a very tense exchange.
But after being scolded by his fiancé, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for reminding my father in law that I’m sleeping with his daughter at a family event?”
The OP began by sharing how he and his fiancée’s father are very different personality types, which isn’t a problem for him, but is for his future father and brothers-in-law.
“So my fiancée’s old man is a hard ass.”
“He’s just a classic man’s man, beer, guns, and whiskey guy.”
“I’m the exact opposite.”
“I write poetry, I design clothes, I work in an office.”
“I’m just not like how he thinks a man should be and he never lets me forget.”
“He constantly makes it a point to remind me that I better hold on to his daughter as she’s used to having ‘real men’ in her life.”
“And a ‘real man’ might come and snatch her up.”
“He also loves to insinuate that I am gay which I really am not a fan of.”
“Her brothers are similar, and make sure I know that I’m a pretty boy and not a manly man so if I every wrong their baby sister they’ll come after me.”
Things came to a head at a recent family gathering, when the OP was subject to the usual behavior of his fiancée’s father and brothers, but finally found the courage to talk back to them.
“Last week I went to dinner at her families house with her parents, her brothers and their wives.”
“Prior to dinner, the men went out while the women cooked.”
“I tried to stay with the women, but my fiancée told me it’d make her really happy if I found some way to bond with the guys in her family.”
“So I went out and it was unpleasant.”
“At first we were talking about football, until her brother asked me if I was ever a cheerleader, as I look like the type to wear a skirt.”
“This began a maybe 4 minute long session of them mocking my sexuality and masculinity.”
“I tried to be level headed, but this type of behavior has been happening for the last 4 years.”
“I looked at her father in the eye and said, and I quote, ‘next time you call me gay, just remember that I regularly f*ck the sh*t out of your daughter’.”
“This of course was considered out of line and I was met with yelling and an argument ensued.”
“The women came outside and her dad said that I need to leave and that I’m too vulgar for this family and I don’t respect him (which I don’t).”
“My fiancée fought for me to stay, but I was tired of it.”
“My fiancée left with me and she was pissed off at me but not her dad.”
“She said that I need to be the bigger person and I’m not making my relationship with her family any better.”
“I didn’t really have a way to defend myself as she’s right that what I said shouldn’t have been said, but I think I’m not an asshole as I have endured this for 4 years and made one clap back in that time.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed the OP’s behavior was justified, and that he was not this a**hole in this situation.
Many felt the OP’s fiancée should have stood up for him, as her father and brothers constantly insulted him, which he shouldn’t have had to put up with.
“Tell fiancé she has to finally stand up to her family and put an end to the mocking.”
“They’re probs not gonna like you anyway, but she’s not doing a good job of standing up for you.”
“If they are messed up in other ways, you may need to tell her you may have to reconsider the marriage if it gets to that bad of a point.”- Professional_Tip6789.
“Does your fiancee know how you’re treated?”
“My father was extremely inappropriate to my then fiancé, now husband, at Christmas and I shut that shit down immediately.”
“I will always and forever defend my husband and if my family crosses a line or makes him uncomfortable in any way, they get one chance to rectify their behavior.”
“We aren’t going to my family’s Christmas this coming year because of their behavior last Christmas, for example.”
“She should have shut that behavior down or gone LC/NC with them long ago.”-chaosandpuppies.
“Honestly I’m surprised she’s never stood up for you.”
“Her dad and brothers are bullies, and you finally had enough.”
“I love the comeback though, honestly HILARIOUS.”- Lil_lib_snowflake.
“I think your wife is the TA here.”
“It’s her family, and if she’s not willing to stand up to them and let them know you win every single time in her book, so if they want a relationship with her they have to stop abusing her spouse.”
“Otherwise, no more family visits.”- ArmNo8807
Some even wondered if the OP should stay with his fiancée based on the behavior of her family.
“This is all cute and funny about your comeback, but the longer term issue is serious.”
“You need to think about this woman, if she is going to be a good partner.”
“You need to say to her very seriously, ‘are you ok with them calling me a cheerleader, gay and not a real man?'”
“She will say ‘oh that’s just them you know how they are’.”
“Is that how you want to live til you’re 70 or more?”
“Her defending these Klan members to you?”-Unit-Healthy.
“You need to have a real come-to-Jesus conversation with your fiancée.”
“My mom’s family was not nearly as bad as your fiancée’s sounds, but they were very undermining, passive aggressive, etc. to my now-husband earlier in our relationship.”
“I was raised in that environment, so people being sh*tty to one another was just…something you had to deal with as part of a family (spoiler: it isn’t).”
“He was very clear that he didn’t find that behavior acceptable and would not be treated that way.”
“I’m embarrassed to admit that, similar to your fiancée, I wasn’t able to see his perspective for some time.”
“You just had to put your head down and take the abuse as far as I was concerned, family is family after all.”
“Thankfully, my husband is as stubborn as I am and wasn’t willing to put up with that crap.”
“It took a long time and a lot of work, but he was able to help me work through a lot of those issues.”
“We don’t see certain family members anymore.”
“Others have also learned that we won’t accept their passive aggressive (sometimes overtly aggressive) BS and our relationship has improved dramatically.”
“I say all of this because I think a lot of people are just going to say ‘leave her, get out’, but I think that if you love this person and she’s willing to work through this, there may still be hope.”
“The hard line is that you should not be asked to attend family gatherings/interact with people where you will be abused.”
“She can go by herself.”
“This may be difficult for her (it was for me at first, until I realized I was miserable at these events also and stopped going), but this is where she needs to start learning that just accepting that type of treatment is neither normal nor healthy.”
“There’s likely a lot of suppressed family trauma there and working through this probably won’t be easy.”
“So I guess it’s just up to you to decide if it’s worth it.”- roccamanamana.
“. If she does not think you were justified and her family major a**holes, maybe reconsider this engagement.”
“This abuse against you will never end and it will culminate with resentment between you and ultimately a messy break-up.”
“Get out now.”
“Save yourself the trauma.”-Shuruga36.
“NTA, but I would seriously reconsider this marriage if your fiancée isn’t going stick up for you to her family.”
“The whole group is super toxic, and if you’re not allowed to clap back now then you never will be.”
“You will spend the rest of your marriage and/or life hating your in-laws and waiting for your wife to choose you over her family.”-KaleKatarn.
“4 yrs and your wife’s dad and bros have not stopped.”
“Did she do anything about it?”
“Either go no contact with the dad and bros or if wife does not stop blaming you for this, leave her.”-rasperry2021.
It’s understandable that OP’s fiancée doesn’t want to find herself estranged from her family.
But how can she possibly expect the OP to ever become part of her family if her father and brothers don’t start treating him with respect.
It seems like a very serious conversation is needed.