It’s very unfortunate how having one bad experience can completely ruin our perception of something.
Or, in severe cases, someone.
However, this is our personal affiliation with the person, place, or thing in question, making it all the more important to keep whatever bad feelings we may have to ourselves.
Even so, some people are so scarred or traumatized by their own experience, that they make it their mission to change everyone else’s opinion as well.
More than likely ruining more friendships along the way.
Redditor boringman1982 had a friend who, after one too many bad romantic experiences, was, unfortunately, beginning to view all women in an almost exclusively negative light.
So much so, he even felt the need to scold the original poster (OP) for supporting his wife in her current hobby, which he felt was crude and selfish.
Resulting in the OP to clap back at his friend and stand up for his wife.
Wondering if he was too hard on him, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my friend to stop mentioning pictures my wife posts?”
The OP explained why he felt the need to put his friend in his place:
“I’ve got a friend who the last couple of years has turned a bit ‘Tatey’.”
“A couple of women has wronged him in the past couple of years (one left him and got married within three months, the other stole a lot of his money) but he seems to have a particular dislike for women selling content or just generally being confident in how they look.”
“That point brings me on to my wife.”
“She’s 39 and we’ve been together since school.”
“She’s a very fit and attractive woman and her main hobby is pole dancing.”
“She loves it and has been doing it for a few years.”
“She’s really good and she loves it so much, it’s great to see her really excelling at something and being so passionate about it.”
“She posts a lot of pictures and video of herself pole dancing on accounts that only friends can follow so it’s not like she does this for attention even though I’ve told her if she ever wanted to I wouldn’t mind as a few of her friends have quite big followings and sometimes when they do shows my wife is in the photos and videos and gets a lot of positive comments.”
“At the weekend I went to my friends to help him with some DIY and he asked me if I mind my wife posting what she posts.”
“I said not at all it doesn’t bother me.”
“He then said ‘you’re part of the problem’.”
“‘Women are getting too much ego, and it’s bad enough when it’s single women, but married women shouldn’t be doing that’.”
“I told him if he’s that bothered then don’t look and unfollow her.”
“He said that won’t change anything, and it’s the culture being created around women getting validation for their bodies or some sh*t like that.”
“I got a bit wound up at this point and asked him if he’d like to ring my wife and tell her himself?”
“He said no he was just talking to me man to man and I need to grow a backbone.”
“I told him I’m not the one with the backbone problem if he can’t handle a bit of flesh and gets offended by it and he’s the weak one.”
“I ended up leaving and a few mutual friends have said that while I was right he’s going though a hard time and is a bit vulnerable to this way of thinking.”
“I personally think thats bullsh*t and we need to tell him he’s heading down a wrong path.”
“Me and my friend are both 41 I forgot to mention that.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously believed that the OP was not the a**Hole for clapping back at his friend.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s friend’s behavior was out of line and unacceptable, and the OP was absolutely right that he needed to be put in his place. Many also agreed that the OP should seriously consider whether it was worth remaining friends with him.
“NTA.”
“Good job standing up for your wife’s right to enjoy a hobby and be confident!”
“I agree with you about letting him know you (and hopefully your other friends) don’t agree with these new views he’s taking on.”
“If the people around him just let his comments go without any push back or worse, agreement, it’ll only make him feel validated and justified and more comfortable with these new views.”
“He needs to understand that just because he’s been hurt by two women doesn’t give him the okay to be a misogynist.”
“Even without all that, what business is it of his what YOUR wife does anyways?”-anothertypicalcmmnt
“NTA.”
“‘He then said “you’re part of the problem. Women are getting too much ego and it’s bad enough when it’s single women but married women shouldn’t be doing that’.”
“This mindset is why this man is single.”
“OP I would be dropping this guy as a friend after this comment.”
“Two bad apples doesn’t ruin the whole apple tree.’
“‘He said no he was just talking to me man to man and I need to grow a backbone’.”
“What he wants you to do is be controlling and force your wife to stop a hobby she enjoys.”
“Pole dancing isn’t always seen in an inappropriate light. Many people do it in an art form.”
“Also, to clarify even if she was doing it in an inappropriate way it would still be ok because you’re fine with it.”
“Thats all that matters.”- DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
“’You’re part of the problem’.”
“‘Women are getting too much ego and it’s bad enough when it’s single women but married women shouldn’t be doing that’.”
“The correct response is ‘You are an ahole’.”
“NTA.”- No_Database_5101
“NTA your mutual friends need to stop handling him with kid gloves, letting him get away with that nonsense.”
“That’s how it grows.”
“Other men calling him on his BS is the only way to stem it.”
“In the meanwhile, talk to your wife about blocking him.”
“He doesn’t need any sort of access to her.”- TipsyBaker_
“NTA.”
“Tell your wife so she has the option to remove him as a follower.”
“He’s a weirdo.”- taorthoaita
“NTA.”
“Good for you for sticking up for your wife and other women, even when they are not in the room.”
“Men like this only have something to say behind a computer screen or under his breath to other people.”
“I woulda said the same thing- SAY IT TO HER FACE THEN.”
“These men are miserable and will always be miserable.”
“They are SCARED of women, let us face it.”- DANADIABOLIC
“NTA.”
“Tater Tots should be called out every time they spew their toxic, misogynistic bullsh*t.”
“Going through a hard time doesn’t excuse the bullsh*t.”- Pladohs_Ghost
“This whole friendship is coming into question if this dude is going this path.”
“Wow.”
“NTA and I’m really happy to read how you’ve responded to him.”
“He has been wronged by a couple of women in the past couple of years (one left him and got married within three months, the other stole a lot of his money)’.”
“This sounds like a him problem and not a women problem.”- MaleficentProgram997
“NTA…..I don’t even see why he feels entitled to judge your wife….or any other person’s choices for that matter.”- Ok-Fee5601
“NTA, f*ck this guy.”
“I can see why his girl left him.”- Delicious_Opposite55
“NTA.”
“Don’t allow him to draw you into his incel rabbit hole.”- Excellent-Count4009
“NTA.”
“Going through a hard time is not an excuse for him being ‘vulnerable’ to that way of thinking.”
“There is zero excuse for a Tate attitude.”
“Men like that would rather blame women than acknowledge their own failures.”
“If you care about him, heavily encourage him to get some therapy and nip his attitude in the bud ASAP.”- Comfortable–Box
“NTA.”
“Good work standing up to his bullsh*t!”
“You can help him but he has to be open to it.”
“‘You can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’.”
“He’s a man blaming everything around him rather than facing up to his own insecurities.”
“It’s your wife, it’s your backbone, it’s society giving women too much validation… Yada, yada, yada.”
“No, it’s him, and if he wants something to change in his life, he’s going to have to grow his self-awareness and become open to his very human vulnerabilities.”- dreddiknight
It’s very upsetting that the OP’s friend has had such bad luck with women that it’s more or less led him to hate all women. However, in a fragile state or not, letting him think his behavior is acceptable would be a horrible mistake.
As it leaves open the likely potential to get even worse as time goes by.
Although, perhaps doing nothing could also prove effective.
If he continues to insult and alienate his friends, he’ll likely find himself rejected by everyone, not just romantic partners.
Hopefully leading him to reevaluate his way of life.