It's very unfortunate how having one bad experience can completely ruin our perception of something.
Or, in severe cases, someone.
However, this is our personal affiliation with the person, place, or thing in question, making it all the more important to keep whatever bad feelings we may have to ourselves.
Even so, some people are so scarred or traumatized by their own experience, that they make it their mission to change everyone else's opinion as well.
More than likely ruining more friendships along the way.
Redditor boringman1982 had a friend who, after one too many bad romantic experiences, was, unfortunately, beginning to view all women in an almost exclusively negative light.
So much so, he even felt the need to scold the original poster (OP) for supporting his wife in her current hobby, which he felt was crude and selfish.
Resulting in the OP to clap back at his friend and stand up for his wife.
Wondering if he was too hard on him, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my friend to stop mentioning pictures my wife posts?"
The OP explained why he felt the need to put his friend in his place:
"I've got a friend who the last couple of years has turned a bit 'Tatey'."
"A couple of women has wronged him in the past couple of years (one left him and got married within three months, the other stole a lot of his money) but he seems to have a particular dislike for women selling content or just generally being confident in how they look."
"That point brings me on to my wife."
"She's 39 and we've been together since school."
"She's a very fit and attractive woman and her main hobby is pole dancing."
"She loves it and has been doing it for a few years."
"She's really good and she loves it so much, it's great to see her really excelling at something and being so passionate about it."
"She posts a lot of pictures and video of herself pole dancing on accounts that only friends can follow so it's not like she does this for attention even though I've told her if she ever wanted to I wouldn't mind as a few of her friends have quite big followings and sometimes when they do shows my wife is in the photos and videos and gets a lot of positive comments."
"At the weekend I went to my friends to help him with some DIY and he asked me if I mind my wife posting what she posts."
"I said not at all it doesn't bother me."
"He then said 'you're part of the problem'."
"'Women are getting too much ego, and it's bad enough when it's single women, but married women shouldn't be doing that'."
"I told him if he's that bothered then don't look and unfollow her."
"He said that won't change anything, and it's the culture being created around women getting validation for their bodies or some sh*t like that."
"I got a bit wound up at this point and asked him if he'd like to ring my wife and tell her himself?"
"He said no he was just talking to me man to man and I need to grow a backbone."
"I told him I'm not the one with the backbone problem if he can't handle a bit of flesh and gets offended by it and he's the weak one."
"I ended up leaving and a few mutual friends have said that while I was right he's going though a hard time and is a bit vulnerable to this way of thinking."
"I personally think thats bullsh*t and we need to tell him he's heading down a wrong path."
"Me and my friend are both 41 I forgot to mention that."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously believed that the OP was not the a**Hole for clapping back at his friend.
Everyone agreed that the OP's friend's behavior was out of line and unacceptable, and the OP was absolutely right that he needed to be put in his place. Many also agreed that the OP should seriously consider whether it was worth remaining friends with him.
"NTA."
"Good job standing up for your wife's right to enjoy a hobby and be confident!"
"I agree with you about letting him know you (and hopefully your other friends) don't agree with these new views he's taking on."
"If the people around him just let his comments go without any push back or worse, agreement, it'll only make him feel validated and justified and more comfortable with these new views."
"He needs to understand that just because he's been hurt by two women doesn't give him the okay to be a misogynist."
"Even without all that, what business is it of his what YOUR wife does anyways?"-anothertypicalcmmnt
"NTA."
"'He then said "you're part of the problem. Women are getting too much ego and it's bad enough when it's single women but married women shouldn't be doing that'."
"This mindset is why this man is single."
"OP I would be dropping this guy as a friend after this comment."
"Two bad apples doesn't ruin the whole apple tree.'
"'He said no he was just talking to me man to man and I need to grow a backbone'."
"What he wants you to do is be controlling and force your wife to stop a hobby she enjoys."
"Pole dancing isn't always seen in an inappropriate light. Many people do it in an art form."
"Also, to clarify even if she was doing it in an inappropriate way it would still be ok because you're fine with it."
"Thats all that matters."- DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
"'You're part of the problem'."
"'Women are getting too much ego and it's bad enough when it's single women but married women shouldn't be doing that'."
"The correct response is 'You are an ahole'."
"NTA."- No_Database_5101
"NTA your mutual friends need to stop handling him with kid gloves, letting him get away with that nonsense."
"That's how it grows."
"Other men calling him on his BS is the only way to stem it."
"In the meanwhile, talk to your wife about blocking him."
"He doesn't need any sort of access to her."- TipsyBaker_
"NTA."
"Tell your wife so she has the option to remove him as a follower."
"He's a weirdo."- taorthoaita
"NTA."
"Good for you for sticking up for your wife and other women, even when they are not in the room."
"Men like this only have something to say behind a computer screen or under his breath to other people."
"I woulda said the same thing- SAY IT TO HER FACE THEN."
"These men are miserable and will always be miserable."
"They are SCARED of women, let us face it."- DANADIABOLIC
"NTA."
"Tater Tots should be called out every time they spew their toxic, misogynistic bullsh*t."
"Going through a hard time doesn't excuse the bullsh*t."- Pladohs_Ghost
"This whole friendship is coming into question if this dude is going this path."
"Wow."
"NTA and I'm really happy to read how you've responded to him."
"He has been wronged by a couple of women in the past couple of years (one left him and got married within three months, the other stole a lot of his money)'."
"This sounds like a him problem and not a women problem."- MaleficentProgram997
"NTA.....I don't even see why he feels entitled to judge your wife....or any other person's choices for that matter."- Ok-Fee5601
"NTA, f*ck this guy."
"I can see why his girl left him."- Delicious_Opposite55
"NTA."
"Don't allow him to draw you into his incel rabbit hole."- Excellent-Count4009
"NTA."
"Going through a hard time is not an excuse for him being 'vulnerable' to that way of thinking."
"There is zero excuse for a Tate attitude."
"Men like that would rather blame women than acknowledge their own failures."
"If you care about him, heavily encourage him to get some therapy and nip his attitude in the bud ASAP."- Comfortable--Box
"NTA."
"Good work standing up to his bullsh*t!"
"You can help him but he has to be open to it."
"'You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink'."
"He's a man blaming everything around him rather than facing up to his own insecurities."
"It's your wife, it's your backbone, it's society giving women too much validation... Yada, yada, yada."
"No, it's him, and if he wants something to change in his life, he's going to have to grow his self-awareness and become open to his very human vulnerabilities."- dreddiknight
It's very upsetting that the OP's friend has had such bad luck with women that it's more or less led him to hate all women. However, in a fragile state or not, letting him think his behavior is acceptable would be a horrible mistake.
As it leaves open the likely potential to get even worse as time goes by.
Although, perhaps doing nothing could also prove effective.
If he continues to insult and alienate his friends, he'll likely find himself rejected by everyone, not just romantic partners.
Hopefully leading him to reevaluate his way of life.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.