Having to be or choosing to be on a diet with specific and restrictive requirements can make meals with others difficult.
Oftentimes, hosts can't always accommodate every request.
This can make for stressful get-together situations.
So, how does one make a menu for all?
Redditor Important_Present110 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to change my dinner plans based on my son's G[irl]F[riend]?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I F[emale] (39) have a frugal lifestyle."
"Most of the food I feed my family is grown on our farm or harvested from the woods."
"This causes many of our meals to be some sort of game or egg, seasonal vegetables, and some cheese."
"My son Jasper told me yesterday he is bringing his new GF Emily (19) to dinner and that she is vegan and on an alkaline diet."
"The diet is extremely restrictive, and my meal plan, which is meticulously planned for dinner, was pork chops, potatoes, corn, and a salad."
"After research, I asked Jasper if it would be okay if I just made her a side of some alkaline vegetables because the diet is unaffordable for me."
"When I told Jasper, he started getting upset and saying I was not accepting and that I shouldn't be making any meat out of respect, so I told him not to bring her over, and he became very upset."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NAH. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. Nobody can expect you to throw a fancy meal and then go hungry for the rest of the week cause you went over your budget."
"But I do understand the son as well, as it would be awkward and unwelcoming to single out a new girlfriend with a small dish."
"Consider meeting without food, just drinks (not necessarily alcoholic, just you know, watery stuff) and small snacks, instead of a big meal?" ~ REDDIT
"Nothing stopping him from buying and cooking food for his GF."
"Also to dedicate how op should eat is a big a**hole."
"She just chose not to eat meat."
"That's his GF."
"OP tried her best with what she could, and if he feels any way, that's on him." ~ servnc*ntt
"Agreed. I tend to buy a better cut of steak than my parents (I am in my 40s)."
"When I go to their house for dinner, I buy what my family likes and get enough for my mom and dad to eat as well."
"My dad still handles the grill, but this way, I get what I like, my parents get a special treat, and no one has to feel bad."
"I like what I like, and they provide what they have budgeted for."
"OP's son is welcome to do the same."
"He can show up with food that his girlfriend will eat, and I'm willing to bet OP's mom would be happy to prepare it for her." ~ AnimatorFantastic469
"Exactly! I have a son who started that special diet stuff when he was 20, and he expected us to cater to it, too."
"Shocker for him that he had to start planning his own meals."
"I got sick of his complaints and started making him grocery shop for himself."
"Now he's in college and understands that the world doesn't revolve around him." ~ ButterflyDC1
"I looked into the alkaline stuff to help fight my GERD, and some parts of it are just weird."
"It's not whether the food is acidic right now, but whether the 'ash' left in the stomach after digestion is finished will be acidic or alkaline."
"Cow's milk, for example, is alkaline when you drink it, but has an acid ash."
"Orange juice is acidic but has an alkaline ash. Etc."
"That said, if you only ever eat alkaline ash foods, you will still mess up your body."
"A balance is needed."
"And even if her diet is healthy, she doesn't have the right to insist that everyone else eats the same thing." ~ mynewthrowaway99
"Exactly! Let the son buy the groceries and cook the meal."
"Girlfriend can eat however she wants but the son doesn't have the right to make demands of Mom, especially when he's just announces he's bringing his girlfriend to dinner and expects Mom to cater to them."
"I wonder if his girlfriend has these expectations or if the son is just trying to impress her."
"Either way, he's a jerk." ~ RudyMama0212
"I would agree with you, up until the son suggested she shouldn't make any meat out of 'respect.'"
"Like what the f**k?"
"Just cause one person doesn't eat meat, doesn't mean everyone else should have to eat the same."
"It's the GFs personal choice, so she's responsible for herself and no one else. I think OP's son hasn't learned this yet, but it's definitely something that should be said to him."
"Also, NAH of course." ~ Apprehensive-Law-686
"Your son is TA here."
"Does he ever cook?"
"He needs to pay for the ingredients and cook the meal if he wants something elaborate."
"Most vegans are very understanding and appreciate any effort to accommodate them."
"Depending on your area, a restaurant with vegan options might be a better option, but that's also expensive."
"Don't blame the GF."
"Your son is at fault. NTA." ~ fancyandfab
"NTA. I was vegan for years and vegetarian now, and I'm always grateful when someone makes sure I'm accommodated, especially in advance like this."
"(I've always held that I can't tell people what not to cook in their own homes, and the request to cook no meat may not have come from the girlfriend—clarify that with your son!)"
"A plate of your farm-fresh vegetables sounds divine!" ~ BlockedByJax
"My son has life-threatening allergies to a bunch of stuff."
"Sesame, all nuts, eggs, certain yeasts, so his diet is very restricted."
"Whenever we are invited anywhere to eat, we bring his meal."
"Every time. If you have a restricted diet, especially by choice, it's on you to bring what you can eat." ~ Extra-Lab-1366
"Exactly! Allergies restricting your diet are understandable."
"I don't cook any shellfish at home even though I grew up with lobster rolls and clam cakes because my husband is allergic, and I would never want to serve anything that could send him to the hospital, but a dietary preference is not that."
"Catering for allergies is reasonable, but for pseudoscience 'diets,' nope." ~ Outrageous_Mode_625
"NTA. Your son is AH because he is expecting you to accommodate his girlfriend with an expensive, time-consuming diet that you can't make."
"He's probably old enough to buy enough ingredients to make the dinner, so why doesn't he do it instead of forcing his mom to do it." ~ ThatGuyWhoEatsBagels
"NTA. It sounds like you are serving potatoes, corn, and a salad."
"Those are all vegan and should comply with her diet, so long as you don't put butter on them (people can add that at the table)."
"If she needs another dish, she can bring it, and/or your son can prepare a dish and bring it."
"Dictating that no one at the table should eat meat just because she doesn't is rude." ~ dragonsandvamps
"NTA. Tell son, 'If your gf needs a special diet then it's your responsibility to buy the stuff she can eat since she's your guest' leave him at that." ~ curiousblondwonders
"NTA. If your son wants to organize a dinner party without doing the majority of the cooking, then tell him to plan a potluck."
"That way, you bring one dish that's convenient for you to make, he makes something his gf can eat, and his GF makes something she likes."
"Everyone wins." ~ MustangTheLionheart
"NTA. At most, one can maybe make a dish to help with this need, but if a person has chosen a dietary preference that is different than one the host does, then they can bring their own meal and should be respectful of what the host has chosen to make."
"It's selfish to expect an entire party to change based on one person's decisions. The hosts and other guests have every right to choose what they want to eat as well." ~ Piper6728
"NTA. But also, curious how many partners he's brought before."
"Considering how last minute it is, you'd either have to shop or - more likely - go out to eat."
"This is just to say, that I'm wondering if 'you're not being accepting' is code for 'our way of life/ our income level is embarrassing and I want us to do something completely different so she doesn't know how we live.'" ~ Sure-Beach-9560
"NTA - at all."
"Offering to create a vegan meal for her to eat while the rest of the family has their normal meal, even going so far as to cater to a bulls**t pseudo-scientific fad diet, was plenty to show you respect her dietary wishes."
"Your son, however, is in fact being an a**hole." ~ Hiply
"NTA. Families are on a budget ESPECIALLY right now with the economy."
"Even still, JUST BECAUSE SHE is vegan/alkaline diet doesn't mean YOU ARE OR HAVE TO BE."
"Maybe they should take you out to dinner at a restaurant that THEY choose because it fits in with her lifestyle."
"To act ENTITLED to tell you 'that you should or have to' do XYZ when I'm assuming it's your house and you are also paying for and supplying all of the food is beyond ridiculous."
"Tell him that he is more than capable of buying the food and cooking it for everyone since he thinks he's got to choose whatever he wants."
"Your son is being ridiculous."
"The only one who so far isn't accepting anyone is your son (and possibly his girlfriend), though you don't know that she is demanding this or if it's just him being ridiculously entitled." ~ Rightfullyfemale
"NTA. No idea what a vegan alkaline diet is but he should've talked to you about this weeks ago so you could plan something she could eat."
"Instead, he waited until you had the meal planned, knowing there would be meat involved."
"He's inconsiderate of you and his GF is inconsiderate if she expects people to cater to this diet when vegan food is difficult for many non-vegans to figure out."
It would be one thing if your son had come to you weeks ago with recipes his GF likes instead of surprising you with this demand." ~ Clean_Factor9673
"NTA. What is your son doing telling you he's bringing her for dinner?"
"He should be asking first of all."
"Second, he knows what meals are like in your home and he's demanding you change for her?"
"Oh hell nah." ~ booboo773
Reddit is with you on the menu, OP.
You offered a reasonable separate option.
People with specific diet requirements should come prepared.
Your son will come to understand this.
Hopefully, this will all work out.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp