No relationship is perfect, and family dynamics will have ups and downs. But when two people get married, an important aspect of their vows is their commitment to each other above all other people.
When a person continues to put a family member, like their mother, ahead of their spouse, that relationship will more than likely fail, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Efficient-Hat1594 was furious about her mother-in-law regularly letting herself unannounced into her home and eating their food, and it always seemed to be her portion that her mother-in-law was eating.
But when her husband insisted that she was the problem, the Original Poster (OP) could not see a solution.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for flipping out on my mother-in-law and my husband for eating all the food before I had eaten?”
The OP was having terrible problems with an overly involved mother-in-law.
“Ever since I gave birth four months ago (I have four kids total), my mother-in-law (MIL) has been showing up whenever she wants, and when she’s here, she always helps herself to whatever she wants.”
“She has never offered to help me or the baby in any way, shape, or form. She’s basically here to see her son, and that’s it.”
“For example, about three weeks ago, I made a small pot of coffee (enough for two cups). I went to nurse the baby while waiting for it to percolate, and at some point during that feeding session, my MIL showed up and let herself inside. When I came out, she had drunk the entire pot. I had no coffee grounds left to make more.”
“Or she’s eaten my leftovers straight out of the fridge multiple times. And she’s always like, ‘Thanks for the food/coffee!’ as if I offered it to her when I absolutely didn’t because all she’s doing is making my life miserable.”
The OP’s husband also did not help her resolve the issue.
“I told my husband to speak to her about it. He told me he did, but I truly don’t think so.”
“I spoke up the last time she was here (three weeks ago) and told her she needed to stop helping herself because she was eating and drinking stuff that I wanted and/or made for myself.”
“She said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ and then stopped coming around for a while.”
A family pizza night was the final straw for the OP.
“Well, today I made four homemade pizzas. I told the kids to come help themselves to dinner and that I had to go get the baby down for a nap real quick and would be right back.”
“Well, it took me like 45 minutes because the baby is fussy (she just had shots). I came back out, ALL the pizza was gone, and my MIL and husband were sitting there, chowing away.”
“I just said, ‘Are you f**king kidding me right now?'”
“My husband asked what was going on, and I said, ‘You guys couldn’t have even left me a f**king slice? Sure, let’s feed the f**king neighborhood before I even get to eat. That’s so awesome of you guys! Thanks!’ and started to walk off.”
“My oldest son (age 13) came in and he was like, ‘Mom, I left you out a plate. I put it right on the counter,’ and walked over to grab it, but lo and behold, that was gone, too.”
“MIL said, ‘I thought it was leftover from dinner.'”
“So my son was apologizing to me even though he did nothing wrong, but my MIL and husband just stand there? They literally weren’t saying anything.”
The OP decided enough was enough.
“I looked at both of them and said, ‘You both need to leave, now.'”
“My husband then decided to speak, saying that it was an ‘honest mistake’ and that ‘no one meant any harm.'”
“Then he said I was making a mound out of a molehill, which honestly just p**sed me off further, so I snapped again and said, ‘Yeah, except every time your f**king mother comes here, I end up going without because she eats or drinks my portion of everything. But sure, let’s defend someone taking food out of my mouth, shall we?'”
“His mother just stormed out of the house, and my husband looked at me like I was insane, so I said, ‘Quick, chase her,’ and walked out of the kitchen.”
The OP wasn’t sure this was such a sad ending after all.
“My husband thinks I’m ‘f**king mental’ and that this all could have been resolved if I had ‘acted like an adult.’ He won’t come home. But at this point, I don’t even want him to come home because it means his mother will stay away.”
“I think she’s definitely trying to drive a wedge. My older three kids are not my husband’s, and our infant is his first child. Ever since I got pregnant, she’s been pulling this s**t.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some took serious issue with the mother-in-law’s behavior and the husband’s support of it.
“NTA. It’s not an ‘honest mistake’ if someone has a pattern of doing something, apologizes when confronted, and then keeps doing it anyway.”
“It’s either deliberately intended to upset OP or else it is done with such total thoughtlessness as to demonstrate that the OP is completely beyond MiL’s tiniest consideration.” – Pandoratastic
“How many times has MIL invited herself over EMPTY HANDED to a home with a newborn?? Bring some groceries over or pay for delivery! Can’t afford that, do some dishes at least. Don’t be another helpless mouth to feed. And please, for the love of cake, don’t encourage the behavior when your wife is struggling.” – laurasaurus5
“A child has more empathy, intelligence, and observation skills than two adults. As proud as I am for that kid, seriously what the f**k is wrong with the husband and his mom?” – SkysEevee
“The husband is a huge f**king a**hole who doesn’t care if his 4-month postpartum wife eats.”
“Like, it’s pathetic how simple it is to check!”
“Dad: ‘Hey, where did wifey go?’ She’s putting the baby down for a nap.”
“Dad: ‘Okay, did she eat yet?’ No, but that’s her slice.”
“Dad takes a trip down the hall to check if Mom needs a break and brings the plate of pizza.”
“The mother-in-law is still hungry. Dad: ‘Ope, sorry Ma, I’ll make you another pizza, what would you like?'”
“Or, you know, since she’s a freeloader anyway, the mother-in-law can go to her house and eat her own food if she’s so hungry.”
“For real, NTA.” – tholme777
“Yeah, that little ‘innocent old me’ routine is transparent. She may even have gotten his approval to eat the food all the while knowing he was probably being obtuse and/or thoughtless about leaving you hungry, tired, and disrespected.”
“She’s already been told something that, as a grown woman, she should have known.” – Raisins_Rock
“The 13-year-old saw the food going out and made her a separate plate and they ate that too. The child saw and cared more about his mom having food than her own husband.”
“OP is being undervalued as well as underfed.” – orpheausoxide
“He’s not clueless, he’s just an a**. There’s no way he doesn’t realize multiple times, after his wife has talked to him able this very thing, that he and his mother weren’t leaving his wife any food. It’s weaponized incompetence of a mama’s boy.”
“And in this case, it’s weaponized incompetence that’s literally impacting his wife’s and his baby’s health.” – JustALizzyLife
Others moved on to address the large elephant in the room.
“NTA. It’s kinda nice without him home, isn’t it?” – Abject-Director7626
“I wonder how much she is enjoying one less child to manage? NTA.” – Material-Double3268
“The OP’s oldest son setting out food for her tells me it is so common and visible how much she is disrespected, that he has picked up on it and is trying to pick up the slack.”
“I’m sad for him and his mom, he shouldn’t have to worry about looking out for her. Her husband is the a**hole. The OP’s son is more grown up than her hopefully soon-to-be-ex.” – Majesticmarmar
“Tell your husband not to come home. He can eat with his mother at her house and grumble about what a terrible person you are together, far away from your kitchen and your food and your children and your life.”
“My husband once accidentally ate a burger that I was going to eat because he thought I had already eaten. That was over a year ago and he only just stopped randomly saying, ‘I’m sorry for your burger,’ even though I understood and forgave him immediately. Good people feel bad even when it’s a mistake. These are not good people, in my opinion.”
“You are definitely NTA, and your son is a gem, and he had to have gotten that from somewhere, certainly not his stepdad, who I doubt he’s very fond of right now.” – actuallyamber
“NTA, your husband is an a** and is enabling his mother who is 100% doing this intentionally. I bet your son has clocked this and that’s why he tried to save you a plate (he sounds very sweet, by the way!)”
“I don’t blame you for not wanting your husband to come home; it sounds like your life is easier without him there.” – MouseAndLadybug
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP was being treated, and they were more bothered that it was such an obvious problem that the OP’s son had taken it upon himself to stand up for her and take care of her by setting aside food just for her.
If the son was more capable of and willing to take care of his four-month postpartum mother than his stepdad, then it very well might mean that it was time for the relationship to end.
That’s especially apparent since the OP’s husband was very firmly taking his mother’s side over hers. Some things aren’t salvageable, like already-eaten pizza.