Selecting baby names is a delicate ritual that can lead to praise or scrutiny depending on the name.
A new mom and her husband said she "put a lot of thought" into naming their firstborn, but her mother-in-law (MIL) had a bizarre way of objecting to it.
When the new mom confronted her MIL about it, the ensuing drama led her to visit the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor LittlePeach212 asked:
"AITA for Kicking My MIL Out of Our House After She Refused to Call Our Son by His Name?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (34 M[ale]) and I (31 F[female]) recently had our first child, a son we named Elijah. We put a lot of thought into his name, we loved the meaning, and it just felt right."
"My MIL (62 F[female]) had no strong opinions about it at first. She didn't gush over it, but she also didn't object. Or so we thought."
"The first time she met Elijah at the hospital, she looked at him and said, 'Oh little David you're so perfect.' I thought I misheard her, so I ignored it. But then she said it again. I asked her, 'Who's David?' and she just smiled and said, 'Oh it just suits him better.' "
The OP continued:
"I was too exhausted from labor to argue, but over the next few weeks, she kept calling him David, texting us things like 'How's my little David doing today?' or 'Give David a kiss for me!' I told her, firmly, that his name is Elijah. She laughed and said, 'Oh, I know! But I think he just feels like a David.' "
"Neither my husband nor I know anyone named David. It's not a family name. There's no sentimental reason behind it. It's just a completely random name she decided to call my child, despite us telling her not to."
The OP contemplated how to move forward, but there was no indication the problem would be solved.
"At first we tried to let it go hoping she'd stop if we ignored it. But it only got worse. When we FaceTimed her, she'd coo at him saying 'Grandma loves you, David!' She even started knitting a baby blanket with the name David embroidered on it."
"The final straw was when she came over for a family dinner and kept referring to him as David in front of everyone. My SIL asked, 'Wait… why do you keep calling him David?' and MIL just laughed and said, 'Because that's his name to me.' "
"That's when I lost it. I said, 'No, his name is Elijah, and if you can't respect that, you don't need to be here.' She rolled her eyes and tried to wave me off, but I wasn't having it. I told her to leave. She looked shocked, but she left without much of a fight."
The didn't get much support from her standoff with the MIL.
"Now my husband is upset with me. He agrees that his mom was being weird and disrespectful, but he thinks kicking her out was 'too extreme' and that I should've just let it go. MIL is now playing the victim, telling everyone that I'm 'keeping her grandson from her over a harmless nickname.' "
"Some family members think I overreacted. Others agree that her behavior was bizarre. I don't know… was I really in the wrong for putting my foot down? AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA this is hella weird behavior, and your feelings are valid. I also find it odd that your husband thinks you overreacted, but you literally just told her to use the correct name or to leave. It sounds like she made her choice and now she's upset with you." – All_Mischief_Managed
"NTA."
"Start calling your MiL, your husband, and every family member who says you overreacted 'David'. All of them are 'David' now." – Pandoratastic
"Sometimes you have to be direct with these a**holes. My mil was pulling one of those talks where she claims to call it as she sees it. So I played the same game, looked he straight in the eye and said, 'so, when you found out about your ex husband's secret love child, was it him writing the child support checks or was it you?' "
"She looked shocked I even knew. Yeah, me and her son have a great relationship. We talk about everything. My husband does call her out as well, it was one of the times she cornered us and thought she was going to get the upper hand. But hey, if you are going to ask me invasive questions about my marriage I will do the same!" – Viperbunny
"NTA I'd switch it up and focus on being concerned. What's wrong with MIL? Is it dementia? Is it a brain tumour? She should be going to a doctor to get checked out, if she doesn't realize how disrespectful and inappropriate her behaviour is."
"You can reframe it for the family so they look at your behaviour in a more positive light - 'At first I thought she was being disrespectful and I was really upset but I've realized this has been going on too long and I'm concerned about her mental state. What can we do to get her the help she needs?'"
"Edit: It honestly could be that MIL is doing this on purpose to make you angry or maybe she does truly feel that your kid is a David but there also could be something wrong with her. My mom was calling my child by her middle name because she liked it better but one conversation stopped that from continuing. If she had kept it up then she would have lost visiting privileges." – KintsugiMind
"She's totally doing it on purpose, so you're right that OP's best course of action is to 'reflect on her own behavior, and realize she's concerned about MIL's mental health.' "
"Either she's being 100% malicious and wanted to get on OP's nerves, or she's genuinely getting some sort of issue, but either way, it's smarter for Op to 'kill her with kindness' than to play into her game of 'woe is me.' " – SparkAxolotl
"NTA: calling your child by a different name is not 'a harmless nickname.' She's literally trying to change his name to a different name, David, which is not in any way a nickname. This is really bizarre behavior."
"If she wants a nickname for him, why not 'E', 'Lee', 'Lie', 'JJ'? Like, there are so many actual nicknames you can get from Elijah."
"I know a kid named William who's mom calls him 'sweet lee' (wil-lee-um) 🤷♀️ now, if she called him David out of nowhere, that would be freaking weird 🤷♀️" – LyannasLament
"You're NTA, but this is psychological warfare here. Your MIL is intentionally going against you and bullying you. You have a MIL bullying problem, but you also have a husband problem! He is not standing up for you as he should! That's a bigger issue, but that won't stop the bullying unless he is prepared to go no contact with his mother, which he is clearly going to be unwilling to do. She is showing you a few things."
"First, she is showing you blatant disrespect."
"Second, she is showing her grandson blatant disrespect."
"Third, she is showing you that your husband won't stand up to her for you."
"Fourth, she is conducting a narcissistic smear campaign against you to paint you as the villain for 'overreacting' to something 'insignificant', which is neither an overaction nor insignificant. That's a classic thing bullies do! The result of the smear campaign is that no one listens to the victim, no matter how bad the bullying gets!"
"You have to fight fire with fire! You have to make things so unpleasant for her that she stops bullying you by intentionally misnaming your son."
"First, every time she does this, REMAIN CALM and correct her and ask her to stop calling your son by the name David, since your child's name is Elijah. I would say 'MIL's name, my son's name is Elijah - not David. Please call him by his name.' "
"Second, turn to whoever is around you and say 'We've discovered {MIL's Name} is mentally ill! She keeps calling my son by the name of her prior lover she was seeing when she was cheating on {FIL's name}! We're trying to help her by correcting her. If you hear her misnaming Elijah, make sure you correct her too. She needs that reinforcement!'. It sounds petty, but you're fighting the bully on their own level - down and dirty!"
"Third, sometimes, when she does it add to whoever is around 'We're working on having a conservatorship put in place for MIL because of her diminished mental capacity in not remembering names and other things. It's a long process.' Then look at her with a look of sadness and say 'Don't worry {MIL's Name}, we understand how hard it is for you to let go of David's memory!' "
"Fourth, I would tell people that she is losing her mental faculties in casual conversation. This does a couple of things. First, when they see her misname the child, you will have planted doubt into their minds about your MIL's mental abilities and they will correct her too. Second, it diminishes her attacks against you that portray you as overreacting. Third, it gives you plausible reasons for keeping your son away from her and will cut down on people believing her when she says you're keeping him away for no good reason!"
"Fifth, I would go EXTREMELY low contact. You may not be able to get rid of her completely, but you can dial her back significantly."
"Importantly, when you're talking to her, remain completely CALM! Never let her see you angry or upset over her misnaming your child. Bullies thrive off of your negative reactions. Every single time she does it, mention her losing her mind and how there is medical help for that. EVERY TIME! When you're dealing with people who want to act crazy and get a reaction out of you, not doing anything will make them continue."
"You have to hit back at bullying behavior, but do it in a way that isn't overbearing or outwardly aggressive. Questioning the mental state of a woman in her sixties is going to be a sensitive thing for her. She will either stop the behavior or she will go low contact with you. Remember that bullies don't like it when their targets fight back!"
"She's doing this to get you angry and riled up. Don't feed into her manipulations. Instead, beat her down psychologically to get her to leave you and beautiful baby ELIJAH alone! The next thing you have to do is GET MARRIAGE COUNSELING!"
"Your husband is hanging you out to dry and handle his mother's bullying on your own. That is not OK! Get counseling to address that and, if he won't go with you, go alone. Learn ways to better deal with his inaction so you can help him turn that around." – PunIntended1234
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP and thought her snapping at the MIL was warranted, especially after she repeatedly–and calmly–expressed her displeasure over calling her son the incorrect name.
While many of the comments suggested retaliatory strikes against the OP, the ban seems more of a civil way for the MIL to accept that the only way she can see her grandson is to him by his actual name, not the one that suits her best.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp