Traveling is stressful.
It's of course fun, but there is so much to prepare.
Traveling as a couple adds extra issues.
And extra responsibility.
And that can cause some drama.
Case in point...
Redditor TAourtrip to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for leaving my boyfriend behind and going on the trip with our friends?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I've been with my boyfriend (I'll call him Paul) for 3 years and living together for 6 months."
"Paul has serious problems with forgetting important documents and after the 4x he did this, I became responsible for carrying our documents in my purse."
"According to him, all documents have a digital version and that is enough, not all are digital (passport) and not all places accept the digital form, but he is stubborn and maintains this position."
"I don't mind being responsible for the documents and most of the time, I have them in my purse."
"That is until one day (2 months ago) he called me asking about his identity, because he needed it for something and they didn't accept the digital version."
"I was at work and I informed him that I had with me."
"He gave me a huge scolding, saying that their documents should be at home and told me to stop 'holding' his documents."
"I handed his documents over to him and said that I would no longer be responsible for this or warn him about it, because I was doing a favor for someone I love who is a capable adult (27)."
"For the situation..."
"We and our friends decided to travel to another country on New Years from the 12/27-01/03 and a passport is needed as it is on another continent."
'We would go to the capital where we would stay at our friend's house until our flight time."
"Our city is 2 hours away."
"We decided to go to the airport 4 hours before (visit the VIP room) and I went to check all my documents first."
"Paul was on my side and when he saw only one passport, he asked about his and I just said 'You have it.'"
"He panicked, saying he thought I had taken even more passports as usual and left it at home."
"He decided to run home and come back, he asked me to go with him but I didn't want to spend 4 hours in the car."
"He went to get his passport (but complained that this was something to remember him by) and I went with my friends to the airport."
"In short, he didn't arrive on time and I decided I wouldn't miss my trip because of him."
"I turned off my cell phone and made my 12 hour trip."
"When I arrived, several messages from him saying that he couldn't believe that I had gone on a trip without him and that I had done it as forms of revenge because of his scolding."
"The flights are all booked up or too expensive, so he probably won't come."
"He's still accusing me of leaving him behind after purposely not remember something I know he struggles with."
"My friends are on my side, but I feel doubtful."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
OP had one more detail...
"I forgot one detail: I always make a list for our trips of what to take, his passport was on the list and he still forgot it."
Continue...
"NTA. He wanted his documents back."
"You gave him his documents back."
"He forgot his documents." ~ gingergal3
"OP is absolutely NTA."
"B[oy]F[riend] is 100% TA."
"He sounds really tiresome. OP, you know if he joined you, he'd be giving you a hard time while on vacation."
"So just enjoy yourself while you're away." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"Weaponized incompetence."
"He 100% could do it, but he's forcing OP to be responsible for him so he can be lazy instead."
"It's like when guys whine and say 'babe you get mad when I do the laundry, you know how you want it done' after they intentionally do it wrong to get out of doing it themselves."
"Real sad thing is that some people know this and still put up with being together (even being married!!) to emotional manipulators like that." ~ Agegamon
"Actually, it's possible that he legit can't do it himself, but he's still an a**hole either way."
"I don't have enough context to suspect this dude has A[ttention] D[eficit] H[yperactivity] D[isorder]."
"And I'm most certainly not trying to excuse shitty actions with the mental illness card, but my point is, this is something people with ADHD really do struggle with."
"It's not something we do on purpose or just don't care about enough, it just happens."
"We forget important stuff sometimes no matter how hard we try."
"The real issue here is his attitude about it."
"The way he continually blames OP for his own failures, whines about it, refuses to cooperate with her solutions and then expects her to sacrifice her time and comfort to fix his mess are just beyond awful."
"It's also a huge red flag that he chewed her out for taking his documents last time when he should know damn well why she felt the need to do so."
"I have a shiny piece of paper that proves I have ADHD, aka a learning disability, which says it's not my fault when things like this happen."
"What I don't do is expect my partner to manage my disability for me, because that is not their job."
"I am grateful and appreciative when someone tries to help me with reminders, checklists, asking me to check my purse before we leave, etc."
"They are doing me a favor."
'It can be grating and a bit annoying at times, but I keep any resentment in check because while my disability is not my fault, it is still my responsibility to manage it."
"And when inevitably I mess up and inconvenience others, I am embarrassed and apologize."
'I don't throw a tantrum, and honestly in the situation OP describes I'd be happy that my partner could go without me, that I at least didn't ruin the trip for both of us."
"The way OP's boyfriend treats her is so far out of line it really doesn't matter whether he's just lazy or legit can't do this himself, he's a major asshat either way." ~ TheRealSaerileth
"NTA! Even I he thought you may have had it he knows he scolded you and demanded his documents back."
"He should remember you saying you wouldn't warn him or be responsible for his documents anymore, since he accused you of punishing him for scolding you he clearly remembers what happened."
"So then why I'm the world would he not at minimum ask you if you were going to bring it?"
"He's very irresponsible and very rude to you."
"You shouldn't have to miss your vacation due to his negligence." ~ thaliagorgon
"OP's concern seems to be if she was an ah for going ahead on the trip."
"NTA for going ahead on the trip OP, you did everything needed for the trip, no reason at all not to go ahead and enjoy yourself on this trip."
"Bf wants OP to feel guilty for his own incompetence (and arrogance in the way he handle the whole document thing to begin with)."
"OP is guilty of nothing: she gave him back his passport, she reminded him before they left on the trip, and he still managed to fail to bring this crucial document, causing himself to miss the flight."
"What good would be served if OP denied herself the trip because bf blew the simple task of bringing his passport after he was reminded of it?"
"Don't let him guilt you, don't think anything more about this during the rest of the trip, don't respond to his texts or calls, and enjoy yourself immensely."
"When you get back bf will still want to guilt you, you'll have to make a decision then as to what to about staying with this guy." ~ sailingisgreat
"NTA. He is a grown a** man who is blaming you for his irresponsibility."
"He self sabotaged the trip and expected you yo miss it by coming home with him."
"He is pissed because his plan did not work." ~ No-Train8518
"Strong NTA."
"I'm an extremely forgetful person around his age, but have taught myself coping mechanisms with multiple failsafes."
"I am also a parent, so the stakes are much higher for me forgetting stuff."
"When it does inevitably still happen from time to time."
"I don't blame others for it, nor my wife, she has enough to deal with picking after me as it is, she's not my mother and I'm not a toddler." ~ Antisymmetriser
"So he whined you out for holding on to his documents after asking you to do just that."
"Now he's whining because you followed his wish but afterwards did not baby him and remind him of his password."
"He needs a mommy, not a girlfriend."
"Maybe your solo vacation is enough of a wake up call for him, good on you for sticking to your guns. NTA." ~ SamRhage
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You are only responsible for you.
This maybe a time for you and the BF to have a serious relationship conversation.
Safe travels.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp