Couples are meant to be a team.
There are a few days where one gets to take center stage and celebrated for what a wonderful person they are.
But what happens when one half of the couple completely forgets such important days due to other obligations?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP)
momsdayaita when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked: "AITA For forgetting what I did for my husband for Father's Day last year"
Brief introductions. "My husband (38M) and I (36F) have been married for ten years and have three kids (8, 6, & 3)." "Yesterday was Mother's Day, and my husband is notoriously bad at gift-giving and that sort of thing." "I have a rather specific taste, so I pretty much have to coach him on what I want for birthdays, Xmas, anniversaries, etc." Small victories. "But to my surprise, yesterday he actually did a pretty good job. He had the kids all make me hand-made cards, made me breakfast in bed, and took the kids out of the house for the afternoon so I could get a mani-pedi and relax." "And got me a nice bottle of wine with some fancy cheese and chocolate." "Last night, after the kids went to bed, I thanked him for a great day and expressed how surprised I was that he actually stepped up." Then the issue. "He told me I deserve it, but also said that he hopes that I can do something similar for him for Father's day this year." "I asked him what that's supposed to mean and he asked me if I remember what I did for Father's Day last year, but I couldn't remember." "He then reminded me that I did nothing for him for Father's Day last year." "Then I remembered that for Father's Day last year, I was at my sister's wedding." "My younger sister had a small, out-of-state, childfree wedding last June, which happened to be on Father's Day weekend." "I was the Maid of Honor, and since our kids couldn't come, my husband stayed home with them while I was gone from Thursday-Sunday." "I had every intention of still doing something for him for Father's Day, but I must have completely forgotten, and he never brought it up to me." "So I felt a little blindsided and put on the spot when he asked me to remember what I did." "I told him that I'm sorry I forgot to do anything for him last year but that I don't appreciate being put on the spot like that." "I also don't appreciate the implication that I purposely forgot or did nothing for him on purpose." "I had a lot of things going on at that time last year, and I fully admit that I spaced it out and completely forgot." "That's my fault, and I accept it, but don't rub my face in it." "I asked him why he didn't just bring it up to me, and he said it's not his responsibility to remind me about that sort of thing." "He said he didn't bring it up because he figured I would just get defensive about it and try to make excuses, exactly like I was doing right then." "He then reminded me that I also 'forgot' to get him anything for his birthday last year." "I told him that I didn't forget. His gift was just delivered late. He then told me that he has access to our Prime account too, and he saw that I didn't even order it until the day of his birthday." "I told him he was being a jerk and ruining what was, up until then, a perfectly good Mother's day." "He said he' not trying to be a jerk. He's just letting me know that he needs to feel that there is some reciprocation for these kinds of things." "Now I feel like he only stepped up so he could rub it in my face that I didn't do anything for him last year." OP was left to wonder, "AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring: -
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA Glass houses. "YTA He was expressing his needs just as you do. Apologize and make him feel appreciated this Father's Day." "The whole 'surprised he stepped up' was a passive negative comment move too." ~ Assia_Penryn
"I had to scroll way too long to find this comment. I can’t imagine telling my husband, 'I’m surprised you stepped up!' after forgetting both Father’s Day and his birthday the prior year." "OP sounds like a complete a-hole, and that’s coming from her own mouth." ~ SpecificSkunk
"YTA- you forgot both of his 'days' and then got all nasty because he mentioned it." "Yes you went to a wedding, but you couldn't manage to have the kids give him a card at least. He most likely did you a good mothers day because he did not want you to feel how he did last year!" ~ shadow-Foxe
People quickly became suspicious of the truthiness of this post. '"My husband is notoriously bad at gift-giving."' ".... Then OP immediately says that they didn't bother to do anything for him for father's day, half-a**ed his birthday after it had already passed, and then tried to make themselves out to be the wronged party when he pointed out their inconsiderate behaviour." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
"Yeah, that line really makes me wonder." "Like, is the husband really a bad gift giver." "Or does op just feel his gifts are not enough and he should do more/better because he doesn't get her the exact thing she wanted and gets upset at him." "Or have they both done low-effort gifts until she wanted more and then started giving him less." "Like yes, the husband could really just be a bad gift giver but..." ~ MayCyan425
"I wonder if her 'gift coaching' is the bs an ex of mine used to pull." "Stuff like, well I mentioned that I like this dress months ago, or I left a magazine opened to the bag I wanted on the table." "Even if I managed to pick the right thing, the sizes were never perfect cause women's clothing requires a PhD in clothing sizeology." "But the way the post was worded and structured makes me think the blame falls more on OP than her husband's gift giving abilities" ~ asandysandstorm
Backhanded compliments don't end well. "I bet he wouldn't have even said anything if she didn't 'express her surprise that he actually stepped up.' Who does something like that after having a great day?" "She sounds absolutely unbearable" ~ Mop_mop4
"Right, this was not a compliment or appreciation." "It's as bad a saying, 'you finally did something right, for a change.'" "This relationship sounds very transactional." "As in, you'd better treat me the way I think I deserve, or my things will be more important than you." "It also sounds like they have poor communication." "He pointed out that he didn't want to bring it up for fear that she would get defensive, which she did, and no further discussion." "Instead of owning up to her mistakes and promising to do better, she doubles down and tries to come out as the victim." ~ dragonbruceleeroy
Not everyone felt OP was in the wrong here. "NTA." "Being out of town on Father’s Day is fine. Ordering a birthday gift late is not the best, but it happens." "Not bringing up those issues until the next year, setting a trap by going above and beyond for Mother’s Day (in an out-of-character way), and then springing those issues on you at the end is a major 🚩🚩🚩." "A healthy person in a healthy relationship would either know, hey, she has three kids under ten and has X amount of workload she does for our family." "I get that a birthday gift snuck up on her. It’s fine. Or - hey honey, I know it’s not a big deal but it hurt my feelings when X." "It also sounds like he’s been capable of being a good gift-giver all along but held out on being there for you in that way until he could use it against you." "If y’all were dating, I’d say run." "It’s possible you’re both in the wrong in some way(s) not described, but this man is definitely wrong and needs help, and so does the relationship." ~ davedammit
"NTA." "He is your husband. If he feels miffed about some perceived slight, he should tell you, not harbor silent resentment about it for a year." ~ TheOneGecko
"Personally, I think you’re NTA." "I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you’ve put up with 10 years of bad gift-giving while you have been giving good ones?" "Is that the case?" "And the one time you miss Father’s Day, he’s now trying to gaslight you into thinking that you’ve done something wrong? Nope. NTA, but if that’s the case, he sure is" ~ ketsele
The truth, of course, is that we all make mistakes.
We all forget important dates or say something mean or buy two gallons of milk instead of three.
How we handled that information can mean more than the mistake itself, especially if we don't handle it well.
Perhaps they can rectify this with a nice date night where they can celebrate their relationship and get a sitter for the evening.
