We all find ourselves in uncomfortable situations from time to time.
Whether we misunderstood someone or we entered the wrong room or fell in front of that person we like.
Embarrassment happens.
So what happens when, after one of these humbling moments, one of the parties involved reacts by lashing out?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) OccasionWilling4170 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked,
"AITA for not giving 24 hours notice to my daughter's roommates before dropping something off"
OP began with the background.
"I'm new to reddit but my husband advised that I post here and is helping me write this."
"I am a mother to a 20-year-old daughter."
"She is a junior in college and attends school in the same city that we live. My daughter and two of her friends live in a condominium that I own."
"Her friends pay below-market rent while my daughter does not."
"The condo was inherited from my parents and it was their intent that I would pass ownership of it to my daughter when she is mature enough to own her own place."
"My daughter, husband, and I are in agreement that she will take over ownership of the condo when she is out of school and financially independent."
"Earlier this week, my daughter mentioned that she had run out of some household supplies and would have to set aside time to go shopping before the end of the week."
"My daughter's schedule has been especially rough lately, as she has picked up extra shifts at her part time job due to short staffing."
"Wanting to be helpful, I offered to pick up the supplies for her and drop them off at her place. She accepted."
"The next day, I picked up the supplies and took them to the condo."
"I knew my daughter was in class, so I knocked and, when no one answered, let myself in."
Everything was fine, until...
"The front door opens into the living room. When I entered, I found one of my daughter's roommates being intimate with a man on the living room couch."
"I was obviously mortified, so I left the supplies at the door and left right away."
"I didn't say anything to my daughter about what happened because I didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable position but I did let her know that I had dropped off the supplies."
"On Friday, I got an angry email from the roommate's parents."
"I'm not sure exactly what they were told but their email lambasted me for invading their daughter's privacy. They said that what I did was wrong because I'm their daughter's landlord and I entered the condo without giving 24-hours notice."
"They're threatening to take legal action if I do it again. I am vaguely familiar with this requirement, but didn't think it was applicable here."
OP was left to wonder,
"Was I the a**hole in this situation? I feel bad about what happened but I also don't feel like I was out of line."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some felt the roommate got what she deserved.
"Lol the roommate was having sex in the common area of a condo she shares with two other people, hard to imagine a real expectation of privacy there."
"Especially with the front door opening right onto where they were, and I wonder what she told her parents."
"Technically yes, a landlord has to give notice, but the owners' daughter/her roommate gave permission for you to drop off the supplies."
"NTA in this instance and I think you handled it well."
"You would think she would have appreciated your discretion and learned to have private time in a private setting (her bedroom), but her actions involving her parents say otherwise smdh."
"No one wants to walk in and see that or sit on a communal sex couch, she needs to be more considerate of her roommates, and you definitely shouldn't let yourself in again." ~ MissionRevolution306
"Exactly like... imagine if it was roomate 2 who walked into the condo and not OP!"
"If roomate 1 was trying to be sneaky why didnt she at least do shit with the bf in her own room?" ~
jetsetgemini_
"We all know that roommate 1 didn't told her parents that she was screwing Roommate's 2 boyfriend in the common couch."
"Charge her for the cleaning of the couch and kick her out, tell her parents and don't back down."
"I feel bad for both your daughter and Roomate 2, imagine living with someone this nasty, she wasn't even grown enough to talk to you about it but also called her parents?"
"She's grown enough to do be this shameless but apparently not big enough to face the consequences lol."
"Best of luck Op, clearly NTA" ~ Chocoahnini
Others were just confused.
"NTA."
"People who live with roommates should know not to get busy in shared spaces."
"This isn't legal advice but any laws regarding restrictions on landlords entering a leased premises wouldn't apply to you when you weren't acting as a landlord but rather as an invited guest of a tenant."
"Do the roommate's parents think you have to give 24-hour notice if you visit your daughter?"
"And why are this person's parents contacting you anyway -- is she a minor? A minor having sex in your living room?"
"Unless she's a close friend of your daughter's, I'd be looking for a way to evict her because her parents are going to make life hell for everyone." ~ sarpon6
"I'm... confused about the roommate position here."
"She was having sex in a shared area of a house she shares with two other people. That's two people who could have caught her."
"She ran to mommy and daddy to tell on her landlord..."
"Which, ok, not everyone is confrontational, but I very much doubt that she went 'Mom, I was having sex with a guy on the living room and the [OP] entered out of nowhere!'"
"I'm 99.99% sure she's telling a very different version of what actually happened." ~
SparkAxolotl
Some had itemized lists.
"NTA, email her parents back to let them know:"
"A) you had explicit invitation to enter the home, but that you apologise for any upset or shock their daughter experienced - that you would have let her know directly, but she has chosen not to give you any contact information."
"That you also knocked, but given there was no answer, you proceeded as you had been invited to"
"B) what you saw their daughter doing - directly resulting in a bill for cleaning the couch/sofa, that either they or daughter will be liable for."
"C) rent amount is under review, and is likely to increase due to rise of maintenance etc costs, it will be likely be brought to be more in line with current market rate - as the heavily discounted rate that's been in place is no longer financially viable." ~ kittiphile
Commenters stated they would've taken a harsher approach.
"You are being way too nice and are on a quick route to be taken advantage of."
"They threatened you."
"If you don't want to kick her out or raise the rent be truthful about what you walked in on and that they will be charged for having the sofa professionally cleaned."
"Your daughter gave your permission to enter HER home."
"It wasn't like you were trying to be a pervert. The only one in the wrong here are the parents for threatening you and that girl for being nasty on a shared sofa." ~ ffsmutluv
OP did return with some updates.
"Edit:"
"My daughter was aware that I was coming to drop off the supplies and asked that I leave them in the kitchen, which is adjacent to the living room."
"Edit 2:"
"I am not asking for judgment on whether I violated the law."
"I checked in with a friend who is a lawyer and he thinks that, because my daughter gave explicit permission to enter the home and drop off the supplies, I'm in the clear."
"I am asking whether I was the a**hole for doing so."
"UPDATE:"
"I called and texted my daughter asking to discuss the situation."
"She can't speak to me right now because her roommates are fighting and she's mediating, but she is aware of the situation and sent me a quick explanation."
"My daughter had notified all the roommates that I was coming over but Roommate 1 apparently forgot."
"The man she was with was Roommate 2's boyfriend."
"She freaked out and contacted her parents because she was scared I would spill the beans."
"I still don't know exactly what she told her parents but I assume it wasn't the full story."
"I have never met Roommate 2's boyfriend, so I didn't know it was him."
"Roommate 1 and Roommate 2 are fighting now and, needless to say, Roommate 1 will be moving out."
"I will be writing a more comprehensive, formal lease for Roommate 2 for both my protection and hers but, in all honesty, Roommate 2 is wonderful and I do not anticipate that there will be any problems."
Embarrassment is a natural part of life, just like happiness and anger.
Remember that the things we want to keep private should not be found in the living room.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp