Content Warning: Unhealthy boundaries, "Baby fever," and Children's content on social media
When parents welcome a new baby into their family, it's not unusual for the family to be excited to meet the baby and to wonder when they'll get their first chance to hold them.
But there's a major difference between excitement about the baby and an unhealthy fixation, if not obsession, cautioned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
A Redditor, who has since deleted her account, had become increasingly concerned about her sister-in-law's fixation on her newborn baby.
But when she was accused of overreacting as a new mom, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should stop taking the excessive photo-taking, matching outfits, and rearranging of the nursery to heart.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for trying to 'save' my brother from his wife's obsession with my baby?"
The OP was becoming concerned about her sister-in-law's relationship with her baby.
"I (28 Female) have a younger brother (26 Male) who just got married a few months ago."
"He and his wife, Jessica, are super excited about starting a family."
"The thing is, ever since I had my baby three months ago, Jessica has been acting really strange."
"Like, she constantly wants to babysit, but it's not just normal grandma vibes."
"She's rearranging my baby's nursery whenever I leave her alone with the baby, taking tons of pictures of my kid, and even buying a bunch of matching outfits for her and my baby!"
"I get that she's excited, but it's starting to feel less like 'Auntie love' and more like she's trying to make my kid her own little doll."
The OP was accused of being an overreacting new mom when she voiced her concerns.
"I brought it up to my brother, and he said I'm overreacting, but I can't shake this weird feeling."
"So, in a moment of frustration, I told him that I think Jessica is crossing some boundaries and might be a little too obsessed."
"Now he's mad at me for 'attacking his wife,' and it's turned into this whole family drama."
"Was I wrong for trying to protect my baby from what feels like an unhealthy fixation? I just want to make sure my kid grows up in a healthy environment, not one where they feel like a prop in someone else's fantasy!"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was time to lock in firm boundaries.
"NTA."
"Now that your concern is said out loud. Start limiting SIL from being with your baby alone. And to rearrange the nursery? That's plain rude. Best to not argue or debate. Simply say, 'It's MY home. MY nursery. MY baby. Please stop rearranging my child's nursery.'"
"Do not apologize for stating how you feel about SIL overstepping. Absolutely REFUSE to apologize. Tell them to allow you into their home so you can rearrange their living room in return. And that it's only fair." - Calli_Holy
"She's baby crazy. 'Crazy' being the operative word. Do not leave her alone with your child. Wanna take bets that when you are not in earshot she is trying to teach your baby to call her mama?"
"She goes into the baby's room you go with her. Every time." - 911siren
"Do you have a MIL (Mother-in-Law)? You need your husband's strongest weapons here. Your brother has no brains when it comes to his wife during this honeymoon stage."
"And people are also suggesting here nannycam and will suggest it stronger with one that is fixed and well pointed and posted: smile you are on camera."
"SIL can't just take lots of pictures like that either. I would strongly stress that bringing a phone with strong light in the baby's face will damage his/her sight development."
"And matching clothes is definitely a boundary break. Those clothes are for mother and daughter. Is your brother not planning on having kids? She might be obsessed because he doesn't want kids."
"Babysitting seems nice when requested but something seems off here. I hope she isn't trying to make the baby say auntie first or planning some memes stuff so she likes her better."
"You speak with her. Not him. Perhaps like I said. Bring your husband's mother. I doubt your brother would disrespect her. She has more balls yelling at them. I don't think your parents will intervene but your MIL..." - Contribution4AFriend
"You have every right to express your concerns about your child's well-being. It's important to set boundaries and communicate openly about what you find acceptable and what feels uncomfortable."
"If Jessica's behavior continues to make you uncomfortable, it may be necessary to have further conversations with your brother and set clearer boundaries regarding your child's care."
"Your instincts as a parent are crucial, and advocating for a healthy environment for your child is your responsibility." - olivesbabyyy
"Your priority as a parent is to create a safe and healthy environment for your child. It's understandable that you want to voice your concerns about Jessica's behavior, and it's important for your brother to recognize that family dynamics can be complex."
"Keep communication open, and don't hesitate to set clear boundaries for your child's well-being. You're not in the wrong for trying to protect your baby from what feels like an unhealthy fixation." - goldribbonbaby
"NTA. You have every right to protect your baby and establish boundaries, especially if someone's behavior is making you uncomfortable. Jessica's excitement may come from a good place, but rearranging your baby's nursery and treating your child like a doll crosses personal lines."
"It's important to address these feelings, especially if it's making you anxious or uncomfortable about your baby's well-being." - princessmargaritha
"Get nanny cams: two in the nursery, one at each of the entry points into the house, one in the living room, one in each hallway. Oh, and video cams on the outside perimeter."
"What you are telling me is creeping me out so much, I definitely have Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction' vibes. I don't want you to come home to a pet rabbit boiling in the kitchen."
"It isn't at all about your daughter, it is allllll about your brother's gf and he won't hear it so don't talk to him anymore about it. She's super weird and really immature. He'll have to figure that out for himself at some point. NTA at all." - AccountantPotential6
"NTA. Your SIL is exhibiting some red flag behavior. Your brother can be as mad as he wants, but your priority is your baby not your SIL's feelings. There are a few stories here on Reddit where family members develop unhealthy obsessions with children in the family."
"In one case, I believe the SIL was either institutionalized or put under mental health professionals' care."
"Listen to your gut. If it means putting distance between you and your brother/SIL then so be it. I also wouldn't leave your child with any other siblings or your parents without you present unless and until they absolutely respect your boundary around not giving SIL access to your child." - ComprehensivePut5569
Others agreed and urged the OP to put a stop to the photographs and matching outfits.
"I might also consider limiting taking pictures. OP can take pictures periodically and share on a family group chat or something. That could discourage using her baby as a prop."
"It sounds a bit like SIL is making social media content. The matching outfits, rearranging the nursery (possibly to make it look better as a backdrop?), tons of photos, etc. A nanny cam for the nursery could be a good idea, too." - Shibaspots
"Sounds like it's time to visit a local women's shelter. I'd take any matching outfits she has for the baby and donate them. You probably have enough clothes for the baby and don't need them." - sssmay
"To be honest, rearranging the nursery would have got her an instant ban as soon as she put it back the way it was."
"She thinks it looks better? Cool, I don't care. Put it back so I know where everything is." - maleficientwasright
"I don't know if it is an obsession. Sounds more like she is using your baby for 'content' on social media. Have you checked? NTA, on your question. It is your baby!!" - DecentBandicoot1122
"Honestly, this is way beyond normal 'auntie excitement.' If she's rearranging the nursery without your permission and treating your baby like a doll, that's not okay. It's your kid, your home, your rules. You have every right to set boundaries."
"If your brother's mad, that's on him; you're protecting your child. Don't back down on this, and definitely don't apologize for standing your ground. If he can't see the issue, that's a bigger problem." - BabeLilEmi51
"NTA. It sounds like your SIL is either unhealthily attached to your baby, or she is using your baby to make online content. If you know her sm accounts or can find them, see if she's posting about your baby."
"I would really limit or end the babysitting time for now. If she is comfortable enough to rearrange your furniture, she's also likely to be comfortable ignoring your parenting instructions. Maybe give back any of the matching outfits for her to use with her own babies someday? You could even soften that by waiting and returning them when they are clearly too small."
"If she's using your kid for content, tell her to take any pictures of the baby down and report her if she doesn't. Limiting time alone will also discourage her, and she may lose this fixation if she can't make content. If it's just wanting to use your kid as a living doll, limiting time alone might also help. If she really just loves your kid, she'll hopefully listen when you state boundaries. Your baby, your rules." - Shibaspots
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was concerned and encouraged her to put boundaries in place. If she was too concerned, the boundaries could always be retracted at a later date, but either way, it meant that her baby was safe.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.