Whether or not you want to get married, you probably have at least a few opinions about what a beautiful wedding would look like and what should be included in a "successful" wedding.
Some people hold such strong opinions about what should be included in a wedding, it can hurt their relationships, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No-Cauliflower-6934 was concerned as he watched his wife argue with their daughter about what her perfect wedding should look like. With his wife wanting a flowery, "girly" wedding and his daughter wanting a black and "goth" wedding, it was hard to imagine them finding a compromise.
When his wife valued her vision more than her daughter's happiness, the Original Poster (OP) was not surprised when his daughter decided to elope instead.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my wife to stop crying about missing out on our daughter's wedding?"
The OP loved all of his children, including his "non-traditional" daughter, Lynn.
"My wife (53 Female) and I (55 Male) have three children, Brett (27 Male), Amy (25 Female), and Lynn (24 Female)."
"Now let me say, I love all my children in their own way. But no child has ever given me a headache like Lynn. She's our wild child."
"She got a college degree at 16, began working and saving up, moved to Louisiana once she turned 18, got more college degrees, and lives a pretty nice life."
"I'm proud of her, of course but she has always been our wildly independent, argumentative, intelligent little girl."
"She's the more social one, too. She's covered in tattoos and piercings and always has funky hair. I'm proud of her, I love her, but she's always been our non-traditional child."
The OP also had a great relationship with Lynn's then-boyfriend, Brad.
"Lynn met her (now) husband, Brad (27 Male), when she first moved to Louisiana."
"Brad is like Lynn, tattoos and piercings up the wazoo. Non-traditional."
"He's a good kid, I like him. He protected Lynn and has been by her side for a lot of things. I actually love that kid for protecting my baby girl."
The OP's wife wanted them to have a wedding, even though the couple didn't want one.
"Lynn will be the first child of ours to be married so when we heard the news about their engagement, my wife was super excited."
"She started talking about wedding planning and all that girl stuff."
"Lynn and Brad were both upfront about not wanting a wedding and just wanting a small party with mainly family and some friends as a celebratory thing."
"My wife was very upset and pushed Lynn until she reluctantly agreed to plan a wedding."
But the two women could not agree about the wedding's vision.
"My wife wanted Lynn to have this overly girly wedding that Lynn just didn't want."
"Lynn was leaning more towards a gothy theme for the wedding and my wife wanted a more traditional Christian wedding, which was weird from the beginning, because Lynn has always been open about her style and religious standpoint."
"I just want my wife to accept Lynn."
"Not even a week into wedding planning, Lynn and my wife had a spat about floral arrangements, which led to Lynn flying back home to Louisiana."
Lynn then took matters into her own hands.
"Lynn announced they had eloped and would be planning a small intimate get-together in New Orleans around Halloween time."
"My wife lost it. She and Lynn got into a huge argument over the phone, which led to them not speaking."
"My wife cries every time this situation is brought up, saying she missed out on her little girl's special day."
The OP finally had to speak up about his wife's behavior.
"After a few weeks of this nonsense, I finally snapped and said, 'Why are you surprised? Lynn didn't want a wedding in the first place! She's our least traditional child! I'm just glad we at least got the engagement announcement. Stop crying about it and wait till Brett or Amy get married 'cause they are the ones that will actually enjoy that wedding s**t.'"
"My wife called me a few names and has been avoiding me."
"I really don't mean to be an a**hole, but Lynn is the last child I'd expect to want a big grand wedding."
"I mean, for f**k's sake, she's a nurse that does hair on the side who is also a practicing witch. That child makes no sense! I'd more expect Brett to want the big wedding when he and his boyfriend eventually get engaged. It also just felt wrong she tried forcing it on Lynn."
"Lay the brutal honesty on me. Do I roll over and apologize or continue to stick up for Lynn over this mess?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that the OP's wife was the reason the OP's daughter eloped in the first place.
"Does your wife realize she was probably the reason your daughter eloped?"
"If she had just let Lynn do whatever kind of wedding she wanted, I'm sure out of the small guest list, you both would have been invited. NTA." - Kaablooie42
"NTA. She didn't want the wedding. And when she agreed to a small wedding, your wife tried to bulldoze her into one."
"Tell if she keeps up this bull, Lynn will end up with no contact because your wife forgot how to be an adult. Remind her the marriage isn't about her. It should be about your daughter's happiness and also your relationship with her daughter and new husband." - RevolutionaryCow7961
"Lynn was literally kind and considerate enough when she didn't have to be at all in the first place, to even entertain the idea of a wedding and start to look at ideas. OP's wife completely disrespected Lynn's kindness and hijacked it so basically..."
"Wife didn't even want it to be Lynns' wedding, wife wanted it to be HER wedding. Ugh. Gross."
"So glad Lynn and Brad both respect themselves enough to have put their foot down and done what THEY WANTED. Hope they both have a fantastic celebration in New Orleans and a happy life together! They're clearly already a headstrong, united-front couple."
"P.S. OP, please let Lynn know you're proud of her and respect her choices, if you haven't already!" - meiuimei_
"Your wife sounds like my mom, and I haven't spoken to her in five years. Similar situation, though the wedding wasn't ultimately the reason I went no contact. Just letting you know that if she keeps up being this selfish, it's a very real possibility that your daughter may cut her off for good." - AuggieKT
"Your wife made it clear that she wasn't planning Lynn's wedding, she was planning a wedding for the daughter she wished she had."
"Your wife basically told Lynn that she does not love and accept her for the person that she is. And that's the reason why Lynn eloped. People wanna share their happiest moments with the people who love us the most, and that does not include your wife."
"Your wife needs to learn how to love the daughter she HAS instead of mourning or forcing, the daughter she wanted." - Legolinza
Others agreed and were certain that the flowers were not the real problem.
"It was NOT about the flowers." - CherryDarling10
"The fact that Lynn canceled not only your wife's wedding plans but also her ORIGINAL wedding plans really speaks to just how far your wife was pushing things. I get the feeling that the flowers were barely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the ways your wife massively overstepped."
"Totally NTA. And you may need to get your wife into counseling to curtail her need to control her children's lives." - digitydigitydoo
"NTA. Your wife missed her daughter's wedding because she was acting like she was planning her own wedding."
"Whatever type of flowers your wife wanted is irrelevant because she is neither the bride or groom." - TarzanKitty
"It is sad your wife wanted to shove the starburst shape that Lynn represents into a square hole. All that happened is Lynn got confirmation from your wife that she will never fully accept Lynn the person she is."
"If you want to, maybe apologize ONLY for losing your temper and yelling but not for what you said. Talk it out. She made Lynn's engagement about herself not about celebrating the love between Lynn and her husband."
"By constantly trying to change Lynn all she is doing is pushing her away. Ask her why it was more important for her to have what she wanted then letting Lynn have what she wanted? NTA; something needed to be said."
"Then send your daughter and her husband a wedding present. Something super gothy and fun." - bored-panda555
"'I just want my wife to accept Lynn.' That makes me ache for Lynn."
"If your wife has always been this way with Lynn, that may be why she did all she could to get away. That's painful for Lynn, to probably know her mom doesn't accept her as she is."
"If I were you, I would send Lynn a Congratulations/Halloween card/gift, something you know she'll like because you 'get her,' possibly just from you, so she knows that you love her and accept her as she is."
"It'll be like a long-distance hug. Write her a note if that's your thing. (My Dad doesn't write. He says he never knows what to write.)" - ASweetTweetRose
The subReddit was grateful that Lynn and Brad had done what was best for them and that they would do a simple get-together when they were ready.
They also completely agreed with the OP that it wasn't surprising that Lynn had stepped away after being pushed by her mother, first to have a wedding at all, let alone in a style that did not speak to her personality at all.
If you want your child to have a wedding, let it be a celebration of them, not of what you want.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.