Boundaries can be a way to keep relationships balanced.
They can be especially important for new parents raising children.
Some family members need to have boundaries on them so parents can parent their way.
But certain people live to break or ignore boundaries.
This can lead to messy situations.
Redditor Possible_State4774 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA, if I told my fiancé and my MIL, I would no longer buy groceries for my baby."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So backstory before I get into it, I (23 F[emale]) gave birth to my son last summer."
"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was VERY involved in my pregnancy, which I was very thankful for."
"When I gave birth, that support turned into possessive behavior."
"I could list off scenarios, but this post would be a book... lol."
"I have addressed this several times with my fiancé (24 M[ale])."
"He will tell me he will talk with his mom, but nothing seems to change."
"My relationship was GREAT with my MIL up until she kinda started to play mommy with my son."
"I've set boundaries, and somehow they apply to everyone but her."
"Again, it's an ongoing battle, and my fiancé isn't supportive or just brushed it off."
"So currently, my baby is starting solids now, and I will prep food and buy snacks that I know he likes, but my MIL will buy whatever snacks she has and will feed him that."
"My MIL IS NOT my babysitter, we have a family member watching him at my MIL's house."
"She will buy groceries for my son and has introduced foods, etc."
"I am at a point where I don't want to buy him groceries as the food I pack is just left untouched or it starts to go bad in my fridge."
"I do have farm animals that eat said food."
"I have told my babysitter to feed him what I pack, but then she tells me she was told there was food for him my MIL bought."
"I also want to start taking my son to my Mom's as I know my MIL won't have any control over him, but the commute is 30 minutes one way, and I would have to wake him up at 5 am."
"I'm not sure what to do."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"The fact that your babysitter is cleaning for MIL and feeding your child MIL's food when you told her to feed the food you provided means your babysitter isn't willing to go against MIL's preferences for yours."
"Which means your babysitter isn't working for you, she's working for your MIL."
"You know your MIL is watching your child while your 'babysitter' is cleaning MIL's house, right?"
"This isn't working for you."
"It will continue to not work for you as long as your child is being watched in MIL's home."
"Change to your house."
"That may mean changing babysitters." ~ purplstarz
"NTA. You have a babysitter problem, a MIL problem, and a fiancé problem."
"The first two can be fixed by going to your mother's."
"The last one needs to be fixed before you marry that man as I can see his unwillingness to support you in this as the tip of the iceberg of future problems." ~ KizzyHew
"NTA. Time to find a new babysitter who comes to your house AND has orders to not let MIL in."
"Also, it's time to ask your fiance who he wants to be married to: you or his mommy." ~ plm56
"NTA, but get some self-respect."
"Have the babysitter at your house or get a new one."
"Cut this controlling lady out of your life as soon as possible, or you'll have 18+ years of hell." ~ kfilks
"Wake up earlier and drive to your mom's would be solution 1."
"But, you now have a kid with this man better buckle up this will be the norm for a minimum of 18 years."
"I'd advise not getting married."
"NTA if you get your a** up and drive it's 30 minutes not 2 hours each way." ~ NoFlight5759
"YWBTA to yourself."
"If you let your MIL prevail in dictating what food your child eats instead of your food, she won't stop overstepping."
"You need to change the childcare arrangements because your babysitter is more your MIL's employee than yours if the mindset is that MIL is the final decision maker about what goes on her home with your child."
"Giving up on buying the groceries is a spineless choice." ~ wildferalfun
"NTA - But you are kind of AH adjacent, if for no other reason than you seem to be floundering between what you need to do and what you want to do."
"You can't control what she does."
"She will never adhere to your rules."
"So if you don't want your MIL to replace you as your child's mother, you have to get the baby away from her."
"You can't have it both ways."
"Stop being so passive and draw a hard line."
"You need to go mama bear on her."
"Stop trying to get your husband to handle her."
"He won't."
"Stop thinking she will magically become the MIL you once knew."
"That was an act to placate you until she could get her hands on your kid."
"Your baby deserves better."
"This is what motherhood is."
"Nothing is more important than protecting your child."
"You are the mother."
"She is the grandmother."
"Both of you need to remember your roles.
"Or just accept that you have been replaced."
"So what are you going to do about it?" ~ PomegranateReal3620
"This!!! This is what it boils down to."
"I personally think OP needs to move in with her mother or some other friend or family member."
"She should let your fiancè know that things have gotten to the point that she can no longer live with/near MIL, and she doesn't feel comfortable with her around L[little] O[ne]."
"She should tell him she's moving to her mom's and he can come visit LO whenever he likes."
"If he wants to try to make it work, couples counseling is non-negotiable, and OP and LO will not live with MIL, and MIL will have no access to LO until some serious boundaries are put in place."
"If your fiancè doesn't agree, then file for custody immediately so that if your finacè or MIL tries to take the baby, you can legally get LO back
It wouldn't have come to this if your fiancè had originally taken your concerns seriously, set boundaries, and enforced them with his mother."
"He didn't do that, and this is the result of his inaction." ~ basketcaseofbananas
"You have a babysitter problem."
"The babysitter should be feeding him what YOU told her to."
"You have a boyfriend problem."
"The boyfriend should be setting limits (and clearly isn't)."
"Why can't the babysitter watch him at your house?"
"Whatever the answer is, you're right that you need to separate your kid from your MIL."
"But you also have a longer, ongoing boyfriend problem."
"Why isn't he backing you up?"
"You've got almost two decades to co-parent with him, and he needs to be on board." ~ sanityjanity
"There are so many red flags here."
"Do not marry this man if he's already choosing his mommy over you.'
"Suck the commute up and take the kid to your mom's."
"Your MIL is getting creepy and overstepping, and you need to remove her from the equation. NTA." ~ ImNot4Everyone42
"That was my thought."
"He's not actually backing her."
"He says he is, and I bet he doesn't actually say anything to his mom."
"That would upset Mommy - can't have that!"
"MIL needs to be removed before she gets even more control."
"Next, she might sue for custody since she's been supplying food for the baby and caretaking has been happening in her home."
"She might claim her home is more fit."
"Unlikely to win, but incredibly stressful for all." ~ sparkvixen
"If you want control over your child and what he eats and how he is raised, you need to look for other child care options."
"Look into local daycares."
"If you can't afford that, ask them about private and government programs that offer assistance."
"Call the United Way helpline at 211 or check their website to see if they have resources that will help."
"To answer your question, no YWNBTA for not bringing food that is ultimately going to waste."
"You can offer to pay for the food she buys if it's from an approved list of foods." ~ Glinda-The-Witch
"You need to grip this now, even if it means changing babysitters."
"Your MIL wants control over your child and is not respecting you as a parent. NTA." ~ Individual_Metal_983
"NTA. You have a fiance problem and a mil problem."
"You're engaged to a momma's boy and not in the cute way."
"Time to move in with your mom and ensure your kid is getting the care you want for them."
"Call off the engagement until your fiance takes back his spine from mommy dearest." ~ R4eth
"NTA: Two things I think are true..."
"As long as anything related to your child happens in her home, your MIL is going to be the boss."
"Your fiancè supports his mom, not you, in this conflict."
"He might say he's going to talk to her, but obviously, he's not doing anything to oppose her."
"Make your plans understanding those two things." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"NTA, but this all seems like a series of power plays and manipulation, to be honest."
"I would figure out something else childcare-wise and just stop the back and forth with MIL altogether."
"For now, it's food; next week, it will be something else she is controlling."
"Sitter is clearly is answering to her and not prioritizing your kid if she's also doing other work there."
"Just take her to your Mom's or find a different sitter at your house." ~ Potential-Region8045
"Has your mom met you halfway?"
"Or just put your foot down to the babysitter that it doesn't matter what MIL has eaten in her house."
"Baby is only to be given the food that you pack."
"And tell MIL the same."
"Put on your big girl pants and lay down the law."
"You are NTA, but also, I don't think this is the solution to the problem." ~ emilouwho687
"NTA other than to yourself and your child."
"You have way bigger issues than your MIL. You and your fiancé need to be a united team, especially when it comes to your child."
"He isn't defending you, he isn't supporting you, and he is ok with his mother undermining your relationship with him, your relationship with your child, and your decisions as a mother."
"This is only going to get worse."
"He is always going to put his mother above you."
"It's time for you and your son to both go stay with your mother."
"You both deserve better." ~ i_kill_plants2
"NTA. I am not a morning person, but if I could tell new mom me to wake up at 5 am and drive the 30 minutes or 1 to my Mom's so that my MIL wouldn't try to play mommy- I absolutely would jump at that!!"
"My ex-MIL failed at raising 2 boys and inserted herself to try and raise her grandkid."
"I was young and dumb and thought she was being helpful."
"She wasn't."
"OP, take the baby to your Mom's."
"If MIL has any issue, tell fiancé that he needs to handle his mom because as it is right now, she will be on supervised visits with you (OP) only."
"She's proven she can't be trusted."
"And you can't trust fiancé to have your back." ~ Exciting-Peanut-1526
"Can you move in with your mom?"
"This situation is only going to get worse as your son gets older."
"Your fiancè has proven incapable of standing up to his mommy."
"You don't want to marry this man unless you want to marry MIL. NTA." ~ Bloodrayna
"You need to find yourself alternative day care and remove this kid from your MIL's influence."
"Yes, influence."
'Because if this continues, she may decide that she's the mommy and start encouraging your child to call her that, which would be confusing."
"Or she'll badmouth you to him."
"Get this kid out of there and tell your baby daddy that he needs to shape up or you're gonna ship out."
"NTA for what you're asking, but I wouldn't let her have that kind of control." ~ WhizGidget
"NTA. You have a baby daddy problem."
"Not a MIL problem."
"Have the sitter come to your house or find another." ~ redditavenger2019
"NTA. Also, you may want to reconsider marrying this guy."
"Just saying." ~ Malphas43
"You were just a surrogate for your mother-in-law and her son's child."
"Do what you need to do."
"Wake up at 5:00 a.m. NTA." ~ MyDogsNameIsToes
"NTA, but you don't have any boundaries."
"You have suggestions." ~ teatimecookie
"NTA. Instead of stopping buying your own, chuck hers in the bin just until she gets the message." ~ Mrs_B-
OP came back with some extra information and an update...
"I may not have specified this, but I will still buy my son his groceries for our home."
"I would have my MIL use/buy food instead of me packing his meals."
"My MIL works, but she is a manager, so she leaves when she pleases."
"She sees my baby every day."
"When she doesn't, she will call and text my fiancé that she 'needs' to see him."
"Regarding the cost, we split the cost as I pay her for babysitting and my MIL pays her for the other chores."
"Like I mentioned previously, there are A LOT of more reasons why I feel the way I do."
"To list a few, she fed into my P[ost]P[artum] D[epression] as she took charge when my son was a newborn."
"I didn't have a backbone then because I was going through a lot."
"She wants my son to call her mama, she also has claimed that my son is a way for her to have a " second chance."
"I spoke with my fiancé about it, and he understood where I was coming from."
"I offered just to drop off the groceries at my MIL."
"That didn't change anything."
"So I am now taking my son to my mom, which caused some talk about 'how it's so much harder for him and how my son will have to adjust.'"
"He's fine and thriving."
"We can all guess who that came from 😅."
"My MIL has offered to pick him up so we don't make a commute into town, and I've declined."
"However, she has now only asked my fiancé, to which he will agree to (thinking I was aware)."
"My mom is aware of everything and will only release him to me or my fiancé unless she is told otherwise."
"I am very disappointed and feel like I am going to extremes, but I'm just so tired of literally fighting to be THE MOTHER to my son."
"I am now looking to move out of the compound and live far to create distance."
"I'm pretty sure she'll find a way to manipulate my fiancé into feeling bad."
This is a distressing situation, OP.
Reddit has your back.
This is about a lot more than food.
Something must be done about this woman.
She has complete disrespect for you and her son.
Maybe you should ask your fiancé to go with you to a therapist.
Perhaps a neutral third party can explain it to him in a way he'll understand more clearly.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp