New Mom Fed Up With MIL Who Refuses To Feed Her Baby The Food She Bought Him

Boundaries can be a way to keep relationships balanced.

They can be especially important for new parents raising children.

Some family members need to have boundaries on them so parents can parent their way.

But certain people live to break or ignore boundaries.

This can lead to messy situations.

Redditor Possible_State4774 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

She asked:

"WIBTA, if I told my fiancé and my MIL, I would no longer buy groceries for my baby."

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"So backstory before I get into it, I (23 F[emale]) gave birth to my son last summer."

"My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was VERY involved in my pregnancy, which I was very thankful for."

"When I gave birth, that support turned into possessive behavior."

"I could list off scenarios, but this post would be a book... lol."

"I have addressed this several times with my fiancé (24 M[ale])."

"He will tell me he will talk with his mom, but nothing seems to change."

"My relationship was GREAT with my MIL up until she kinda started to play mommy with my son."

"I've set boundaries, and somehow they apply to everyone but her."

"Again, it's an ongoing battle, and my fiancé isn't supportive or just brushed it off."

"So currently, my baby is starting solids now, and I will prep food and buy snacks that I know he likes, but my MIL will buy whatever snacks she has and will feed him that."

"My MIL IS NOT my babysitter, we have a family member watching him at my MIL's house."

"She will buy groceries for my son and has introduced foods, etc."

"I am at a point where I don't want to buy him groceries as the food I pack is just left untouched or it starts to go bad in my fridge."

"I do have farm animals that eat said food."

"I have told my babysitter to feed him what I pack, but then she tells me she was told there was food for him my MIL bought."

"I also want to start taking my son to my Mom's as I know my MIL won't have any control over him, but the commute is 30 minutes one way, and I would have to wake him up at 5 am."

"I'm not sure what to do."

The OP was left to wonder:

"AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

"The fact that your babysitter is cleaning for MIL and feeding your child MIL's food when you told her to feed the food you provided means your babysitter isn't willing to go against MIL's preferences for yours."

"Which means your babysitter isn't working for you, she's working for your MIL."

"You know your MIL is watching your child while your 'babysitter' is cleaning MIL's house, right?"

"This isn't working for you."

"It will continue to not work for you as long as your child is being watched in MIL's home."

"Change to your house."

"That may mean changing babysitters." ~ purplstarz

"NTA. You have a babysitter problem, a MIL problem, and a fiancé problem."

"The first two can be fixed by going to your mother's."

"The last one needs to be fixed before you marry that man as I can see his unwillingness to support you in this as the tip of the iceberg of future problems." ~ KizzyHew

"NTA. Time to find a new babysitter who comes to your house AND has orders to not let MIL in."

"Also, it's time to ask your fiance who he wants to be married to: you or his mommy." ~ plm56

"NTA, but get some self-respect."

"Have the babysitter at your house or get a new one."

"Cut this controlling lady out of your life as soon as possible, or you'll have 18+ years of hell." ~ kfilks

"Wake up earlier and drive to your mom's would be solution 1."

"But, you now have a kid with this man better buckle up this will be the norm for a minimum of 18 years."

"I'd advise not getting married."

"NTA if you get your a** up and drive it's 30 minutes not 2 hours each way." ~ NoFlight5759

"YWBTA to yourself."

"If you let your MIL prevail in dictating what food your child eats instead of your food, she won't stop overstepping."

"You need to change the childcare arrangements because your babysitter is more your MIL's employee than yours if the mindset is that MIL is the final decision maker about what goes on her home with your child."

"Giving up on buying the groceries is a spineless choice." ~ wildferalfun

"NTA - But you are kind of AH adjacent, if for no other reason than you seem to be floundering between what you need to do and what you want to do."

"You can't control what she does."

"She will never adhere to your rules."

"So if you don't want your MIL to replace you as your child's mother, you have to get the baby away from her."

"You can't have it both ways."

"Stop being so passive and draw a hard line."

"You need to go mama bear on her."

"Stop trying to get your husband to handle her."

"He won't."

"Stop thinking she will magically become the MIL you once knew."

"That was an act to placate you until she could get her hands on your kid."

"Your baby deserves better."

"This is what motherhood is."

"Nothing is more important than protecting your child."

"You are the mother."

"She is the grandmother."

"Both of you need to remember your roles.

"Or just accept that you have been replaced."

"So what are you going to do about it?" ~ PomegranateReal3620

"This!!! This is what it boils down to."

"I personally think OP needs to move in with her mother or some other friend or family member."

"She should let your fiancè know that things have gotten to the point that she can no longer live with/near MIL, and she doesn't feel comfortable with her around L[little] O[ne]."

"She should tell him she's moving to her mom's and he can come visit LO whenever he likes."

"If he wants to try to make it work, couples counseling is non-negotiable, and OP and LO will not live with MIL, and MIL will have no access to LO until some serious boundaries are put in place."

"If your fiancè doesn't agree, then file for custody immediately so that if your finacè or MIL tries to take the baby, you can legally get LO back

It wouldn't have come to this if your fiancè had originally taken your concerns seriously, set boundaries, and enforced them with his mother."

"He didn't do that, and this is the result of his inaction." ~ basketcaseofbananas

"You have a babysitter problem."

"The babysitter should be feeding him what YOU told her to."

"You have a boyfriend problem."

"The boyfriend should be setting limits (and clearly isn't)."

"Why can't the babysitter watch him at your house?"

"Whatever the answer is, you're right that you need to separate your kid from your MIL."

"But you also have a longer, ongoing boyfriend problem."

"Why isn't he backing you up?"

"You've got almost two decades to co-parent with him, and he needs to be on board." ~ sanityjanity

"There are so many red flags here."

"Do not marry this man if he's already choosing his mommy over you.'

"Suck the commute up and take the kid to your mom's."

"Your MIL is getting creepy and overstepping, and you need to remove her from the equation. NTA." ~ ImNot4Everyone42

"That was my thought."

"He's not actually backing her."

"He says he is, and I bet he doesn't actually say anything to his mom."

"That would upset Mommy - can't have that!"

"MIL needs to be removed before she gets even more control."

"Next, she might sue for custody since she's been supplying food for the baby and caretaking has been happening in her home."

"She might claim her home is more fit."

"Unlikely to win, but incredibly stressful for all." ~ sparkvixen

"If you want control over your child and what he eats and how he is raised, you need to look for other child care options."

"Look into local daycares."

"If you can't afford that, ask them about private and government programs that offer assistance."

"Call the United Way helpline at 211 or check their website to see if they have resources that will help."

"To answer your question, no YWNBTA for not bringing food that is ultimately going to waste."

"You can offer to pay for the food she buys if it's from an approved list of foods." ~ Glinda-The-Witch

"You need to grip this now, even if it means changing babysitters."

"Your MIL wants control over your child and is not respecting you as a parent. NTA." ~ Individual_Metal_983

"NTA. You have a fiance problem and a mil problem."

"You're engaged to a momma's boy and not in the cute way."

"Time to move in with your mom and ensure your kid is getting the care you want for them."

"Call off the engagement until your fiance takes back his spine from mommy dearest." ~ R4eth

"NTA: Two things I think are true..."

"As long as anything related to your child happens in her home, your MIL is going to be the boss."

"Your fiancè supports his mom, not you, in this conflict."

"He might say he's going to talk to her, but obviously, he's not doing anything to oppose her."

"Make your plans understanding those two things." ~ Deep-Okra1461

"NTA, but this all seems like a series of power plays and manipulation, to be honest."

"I would figure out something else childcare-wise and just stop the back and forth with MIL altogether."

"For now, it's food; next week, it will be something else she is controlling."

"Sitter is clearly is answering to her and not prioritizing your kid if she's also doing other work there."

"Just take her to your Mom's or find a different sitter at your house." ~ Potential-Region8045

"Has your mom met you halfway?"

"Or just put your foot down to the babysitter that it doesn't matter what MIL has eaten in her house."

"Baby is only to be given the food that you pack."

"And tell MIL the same."

"Put on your big girl pants and lay down the law."

"You are NTA, but also, I don't think this is the solution to the problem." ~ emilouwho687

"NTA other than to yourself and your child."

"You have way bigger issues than your MIL. You and your fiancé need to be a united team, especially when it comes to your child."

"He isn't defending you, he isn't supporting you, and he is ok with his mother undermining your relationship with him, your relationship with your child, and your decisions as a mother."

"This is only going to get worse."

"He is always going to put his mother above you."

"It's time for you and your son to both go stay with your mother."

"You both deserve better." ~ i_kill_plants2

"NTA. I am not a morning person, but if I could tell new mom me to wake up at 5 am and drive the 30 minutes or 1 to my Mom's so that my MIL wouldn't try to play mommy- I absolutely would jump at that!!"

"My ex-MIL failed at raising 2 boys and inserted herself to try and raise her grandkid."

"I was young and dumb and thought she was being helpful."

"She wasn't."

"OP, take the baby to your Mom's."

"If MIL has any issue, tell fiancé that he needs to handle his mom because as it is right now, she will be on supervised visits with you (OP) only."

"She's proven she can't be trusted."

"And you can't trust fiancé to have your back." ~ Exciting-Peanut-1526

"Can you move in with your mom?"

"This situation is only going to get worse as your son gets older."

"Your fiancè has proven incapable of standing up to his mommy."

"You don't want to marry this man unless you want to marry MIL. NTA." ~ Bloodrayna

"You need to find yourself alternative day care and remove this kid from your MIL's influence."

"Yes, influence."

'Because if this continues, she may decide that she's the mommy and start encouraging your child to call her that, which would be confusing."

"Or she'll badmouth you to him."

"Get this kid out of there and tell your baby daddy that he needs to shape up or you're gonna ship out."

"NTA for what you're asking, but I wouldn't let her have that kind of control." ~ WhizGidget

"NTA. You have a baby daddy problem."

"Not a MIL problem."

"Have the sitter come to your house or find another." ~ redditavenger2019

"NTA. Also, you may want to reconsider marrying this guy."

"Just saying." ~ Malphas43

"You were just a surrogate for your mother-in-law and her son's child."

"Do what you need to do."

"Wake up at 5:00 a.m. NTA." ~ MyDogsNameIsToes

"NTA, but you don't have any boundaries."

"You have suggestions." ~ teatimecookie

"NTA. Instead of stopping buying your own, chuck hers in the bin just until she gets the message." ~ Mrs_B-

OP came back with some extra information and an update...

"I may not have specified this, but I will still buy my son his groceries for our home."

"I would have my MIL use/buy food instead of me packing his meals."

"My MIL works, but she is a manager, so she leaves when she pleases."

"She sees my baby every day."

"When she doesn't, she will call and text my fiancé that she 'needs' to see him."

"Regarding the cost, we split the cost as I pay her for babysitting and my MIL pays her for the other chores."

"Like I mentioned previously, there are A LOT of more reasons why I feel the way I do."

"To list a few, she fed into my P[ost]P[artum] D[epression] as she took charge when my son was a newborn."

"I didn't have a backbone then because I was going through a lot."

"She wants my son to call her mama, she also has claimed that my son is a way for her to have a " second chance."

"I spoke with my fiancé about it, and he understood where I was coming from."

"I offered just to drop off the groceries at my MIL."

"That didn't change anything."

"So I am now taking my son to my mom, which caused some talk about 'how it's so much harder for him and how my son will have to adjust.'"

"He's fine and thriving."

"We can all guess who that came from 😅."

"My MIL has offered to pick him up so we don't make a commute into town, and I've declined."

"However, she has now only asked my fiancé, to which he will agree to (thinking I was aware)."

"My mom is aware of everything and will only release him to me or my fiancé unless she is told otherwise."

"I am very disappointed and feel like I am going to extremes, but I'm just so tired of literally fighting to be THE MOTHER to my son."

"I am now looking to move out of the compound and live far to create distance."

"I'm pretty sure she'll find a way to manipulate my fiancé into feeling bad."

This is a distressing situation, OP.

Reddit has your back.

This is about a lot more than food.

Something must be done about this woman.

She has complete disrespect for you and her son.

Maybe you should ask your fiancé to go with you to a therapist.

Perhaps a neutral third party can explain it to him in a way he'll understand more clearly.