Mom Grounds Teen For Dying Hair Orange Before Dance Competition With Strict Hair Color Rules

Setting boundaries and doling out punishments is part of the parenting experience.

In the younger years, statistically, this isn't going to go over well.

There will be yelling and drama.

And sometimes the parent is in the wrong.

It's all a chess match.

Redditor Then-Imagination-683 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

"AITA for grounding my 15-year-old daughter after she colored her hair?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"As a disclaimer, I have nothing against colored hair or people who choose to color their hair."

"My hair was bright green as a teenager, LOL."

"My daughter Alexis (not her real name) is 15."

"She has been dancing recreationally since she was 3 years old and has been doing competitive dance since she was 9 years old."

"She has nationals coming up, which is basically a very big and important dance comp where studios from surrounding states come to this big convention center in the city and compete."

"She is also obsessed with Paramore, thanks to my husband who has taken her to many of their live shows."

"She idolizes Hayley Williams and has wanted to dye her hair like Hayley's for a few years now."

"This year for her birthday, she wants to dye her whole head neon orange."

"I told her absolutely not because she's not allowed to have any unnatural hair colors for nationals and other conventions/comps that are coming up."

"She is very well aware of this rule because it is the standard in the competitive dance world."

"I've already paid all of the entry fees and cannot get a refund for this year."

"I told her that once nationals and all the mandatory conventions are over, she can color her hair however she wants."

"She did not like this answer and stomped off to her room."

"I figured I would just let her be, and eventually, she would come around."

"I was wrong."

"She went to a sleepover at her friend's house about a week ago and came back with the same bright orange hair I told her she could not have."

"I was cooking when she walked into the house and nearly dropped the knife I was using."

"I was extremely upset and asked her what she was thinking."

"She gave me some excuse which I can't remember, then rolled her eyes and said something along the lines of 'It's just hair dye, it'll come out before nationals.'"

"I was livid, and shouted at her (which I'll admit I'm not proud of) and she ran off to her room in tears."

"She knows better, and I'm completely dumbfounded as to why she thought it would be okay, considering nationals is in two weeks."

"She's washed her hair at least 6 times in the last few days, and the orange is still stuck."

"I bought color remover and let it sit on her hair for a good 2 hours and nothing."

"I'm so pissed because now I'm going to have to take her to the salon and spend 300+ dollars to get this color removed when I'm already over 400 dollars deep in the hole after the fees for the competition."

"My daughter is currently grounded, still upset with me, and hasn't spoken more than a few words to me in days."

"She cried to my husband after I shouted at her, and now he thinks I'm being unreasonable and called me... Momzilla.'"

"Am I being crazy about this??!"

"She knew the rules and I even told her she could do the hair dye after we get this over with."

"If this color doesn't come out, she literally won't be able to compete, and I'll have wasted over 400 dollars."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA. Honestly, I would just leave it, take her to nationals and when they tell her she can't compete because of her hair she can look the consequences of her actions in the eye... and then she can pay you back the $400 she wasted by not just waiting a few weeks."

"She's plenty old enough to know that she made a mistake."

"That's if she wants to compete, maybe she was trying to get out of it without telling you?"

"I say all this as someone who's been dying their hair 'fashion colors' since they were 15, I fully support self-expression, but you have to time it right if you have events like this." ~ Fiigwort

"NTA, but don't fix her hair."

"If she can't compete because of her choices, then that's on her."

"She can then pay you back for the wasted expenses either through chores or getting a part-time job."

"Have her go as planned and have her be told by the officials that she is disqualified. If she letting down a dance team as well then she needs to face them too."

"Grounding her is fine (she intentionally disobeyed) but she needs real-world consequences as well."

"Don't fix this for her."

"She made her bed so let her lie in it." ~stickylarue

"NTA... but overreacting is on you."

"A kid that age doesn't value money, they're ruled by their ID."

"Just sit her down and say if she isn't allowed to participate based on her actions you're gonna deduct her allowance in half until it's paid off."

"If she doesn't want to do dance that's completely her choice." ~ CheezersTheCat

"Has her dance teacher/studio seen her orange hair yet?"

"Most studios make parents and dancers who are on the competition team sign contracts that state what the expectations are."

"She could be kicked off of the team before she steps foot on stage."

"That's a lot of money to lose, more than the $300 to fix her hair."

"NTA for yelling/grounding." ~ No_Middle_3193

"I agree NTA but paying $300 to fix her mistake is just enabling her."

"You're right that she needs to just not be able to compete."

"She needs to stop spending her own money to try and fix an issue her daughter intentionally caused."

"$400 is a good chunk of money to lose, but it's worth the life lesson about actions having consequences." ~ Frosty_Emotion_1431

"You guys are so wild."

"No, OP should not waste a ton of money and time because of this."

"OP should just dye her kid's hair a darker, natural shade."

"Even a darker red would probably be fine, lol." ~ Heartage

"NTA, but if she is in a team don't do that."

"That will force the other team members to have to not compete, or compete at a deficit, and that is not fair to them, and could permanently damage her relationships with them - don't blow up her life like that."

"HOWEVER - you could send a picture to her coach, tell her you are getting it fixed before she competes, but that they should make it CLEAR to her that it is unacceptable."

"And I am sure they will be stern."

"That way she hears it from more than you, and I'm willing to bet they will make clear the consequences if she does it again, and scare some sense into her."

"Also, you could make her work off the cost of fixing it, either through chores, loss of allowance, birthday money, etc." ~ OnyxEyez

"NTA... but maybe the answer isn't to fix her hair but to accept that she is going to miss nationals."

"If dance was that important to her she would have made sure she would qualify."

"If she's upset about missing it, she will learn there are consequences for choices, and in future, maybe she will take them into consideration." ~ Katnis85

"Hey OP, those colorful hair sprays can work miracles."

"She keeps her orange hair, you spend like 100 bucks instead of several hundred."

"I've used colored hairspray and root touch-up sprays a ton before to have a color for a day or weekend."

"It took me like 3-4 cans to cover my head evenly each time, but It works." ~ ServeillanceVanan394

"NAH. She is being a teenage girl and testing boundaries."

"And do you know if she is still interested in dance and if she actually wants to compete?"

"This seems like something she might do if she doesn't want to participate but is afraid to tell you that."

"Does this competition mean more to you than to her?"

"Your being upset is understandable."

"But 'punishing' a teenager usually works better if it isn't arbitrary and is related to the issue."

"I wouldn't ground her."

"If she ends up not competing, then she has to pay back at least half the fees."

"If you end up going to a salon, she can pay for that."

"It might take her a while,e and you will have to stay on top of her."

"But it might be a better lesson." ~ introspectiveliar

"NTA. Teach Alexis that her actions have consequences, DO NOT pay for her hair to be dyed back to a normal color and let her get disqualified from nationals."

"This is an important moment for her to realize that she needs to accept responsibility for her actions."

"She made the choice to dye her hair after you told her it wasn't advisable."

"She was also the one who threw away her months of training for the nationals."

"It doesn't make any sense for you to spend another $300 to pay for her mistake."

"Do not bail her out of this one."

"She is 15, she knew full well what she was doing, she f**** around and now she needs to find out." ~ kepo242

"NTA. But I don't think you're doing her any favors but trying to fix it for her."

"Personally, I would apologize for yelling, remove grounding, and tell her that it's up to her to fix her hair."

"If she misses Nationals - so be it."

"And also that from now on any competition that comes with a fee is going to come out of her pocket money."

"If she doesn't have enough pocket money, she can get a job." ~ moominsmama

"NTA. I would let her suffer the consequences of her actions though."

"You do her no favors by fixing her hair and letting her compete."

"She knew what she was doing."

"She should have to lose the chance to compete."

"That is what she decided." ~ OhmsWay-71

"I danced competitively as a kid and teen, the fees for these competitions are no joke, and neither are the rules."

"Everyone is held to an incredibly high (and somewhat unrealistic) standard before they've even had a chance to perform. NTA."

"I'd get her to pay to correct her hair for her competitions so that she actually understands the massive expense she's put on you." ~ pumpkinjooce

"NTA... you told her once nationals was done she could do that but disregarded that."

"It wasn't like you told her outright she couldn't."

"You said she needed to wait."

"So no NTA."

"She needs to pay you back for all the money that you have to get her back to a natural color." ~ plaid_8241

"NTA. I would give her a choice."

"She can pay you back for nationals and keep the hair."

"Maybe chores or something if she doesn't have a job."

"Or she can pay you back for having to correct the color and go to nationals." ~ pixp85

"NTA. But you should darken it to a natural red tone that is acceptable for nationals."

"That way once all of that is over, it won't be a color correction for her to go back to the vibrant orange." ~ dreamiinglucid

"NTA... but maybe your dream of her dancing career is not hers." ~ Outrageous_Fail5590

OP came back with some information...

"Looking at some of these comments, I just want to clarify that when I asked Alexis if she wanted to compete, she was very enthusiastic and told me yes."

"She has done nationals every year for a few years now and has loved it every time she has done it."

"I am very clear with her that since it is optional, she has the choice whether or not she wants to still participate and I am not forcing her in any way to do it."

"I am upset because she told me she wanted to do it, I paid the fees and now we can't back out of it but also she will NOT be able to compete if the orange doesn't come out."

And an update.

"I was really thinking about it last night and realized shouting at her and grounding her was not an adult way of handling things."

"I apologized to her and when we sat down for breakfast this morning and had a heart-to-heart conversation, in which we discussed the options she currently has."

"I calmly explained to her why what she did upset me and why I reacted the way that I did."

"She apologized to me for going behind my back after I put a boundary in place."

"For those saying it's not a big deal and it's 'just hair' you're right."

"It is just hair."

"It's not the orange hair that actually upsets me."

"It's the fact that she did it after I told her to wait because of the money I spent so she could be able to compete."

"I also asked her if being on the competitive team/doing dance in general is still something she truly wants to do, as some of you suggested."

"She opened up to me and said that while she loves it, she's exhausted and mentally drained during comp season and after."

"Part of the reason why she did the orange hair was because she thought she could get out of this whole thing."

"There is still a lot of ground to cover and other things that need to be figured out, but I told her she does not have to compete anymore if she doesn't want to and can just take her regular classes."

"She is still going to do nationals, but everything after that is up to her."

"Also for those saying I am limiting her freedom of self-expression and trying to control what she does with her body: just no."

"Not once have I ever tried to force my opinions or values onto her because it's what I think is morally correct."

"I am an avid supporter of her expressing herself however she wants… whether it be through her style, her hair, the music she listens to, etc."

"I will support her through every stage in her life no matter what she aligns herself with."

"I'm not against the orange hair; I'm all for it, just not right at this very moment."

"In no way do I want to prohibit her creativity or self-expression."

"I set boundaries for her with a compromise which I expected her to follow through with."

"From one mother to—I'm sure the many others that have seen this—how can we expect our kids to grow up to be well-rounded adults if we don't set boundaries for them and occasionally limitations?"

"Alexis is ungrounded, but not out of trouble."

"Her and I are going to brainstorm a different, more fitting way for her to learn from this."

"She is going to pay for a wig with money she earned from babysitting her cousins."

"I texted her dance instructor to let her know what we are doing, so her approval of wearing the wig to the comp is to be determined until it arrives."

"If not, she will be responsible for finding out another way to cover up the orange."

"For those who suggested box dye—putting box dye on my daughter's hair will be the absolute last resort."

"I understand that she needs a fitting punishment, and having to live with a muddy hair color from putting it over the orange will probably fit the crime, but I do not want her to be miserable for an unnecessarily extended period of time after the dance thing is over and after the situation has been dwelled on enough."

"Alexis doesn't want to put box dye on her hair either, but she said that if she has no other choice, then she's okay with that."

"I told her that if we DO end up having to put box color over it, she is going to have to live with it until it grows out enough to cut it off or she will have to pay her color correcting service."

This is a lot to digest, OP.

Reddit understands your feelings.

You set a boundary.

It wasn't too much to ask for Alexis to just wait until comps were over.

Parents have to set rules.

You're right to feel like you were disrespected.

Good luck at competitions.