There's no denying that food allergies inconvenience everyone, no matter their age.
However, managing allergies isn't always difficult, as long as you are extra careful as to what foods you keep in your house and what you are served at restaurants.
Managing an allergy can be particularly challenging if you are allergic to a food that you love.
Particularly if you are diagnosed late in life.
The son of Redditor Electronic-Code9834 was recently diagnosed with an allergy that required an immediate change to his diet.
Concerned for the health and safety of her son, the original poster (OP) made every effort to cater to his dietary needs. Unfortunately, the OP's son showed no interest or concern in adhering to his new dietary restrictions. Prompting the OP to change her attitude towards her son's allergies as well.
Wondering if she was being reckless for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to cook gluten free or take my near adult son out to eat?"
The OP explained why her attitude towards what her son ate became a bit more cavalier:
"My 17-year-old son was diagnosed recently with a wheat allergy."
"He had been battling gut issues for a few months, and we finally found that he can't have wheat."
"I immediately went into research mode."
"I read labels learned all names for wheat bought hundreds of dollars of food/snacks for him to try."
"I took him to Whole Foods and Organic Markets for hundreds more."
"I bought wheat alternative flours and began cooking gluten-free."
"He still had digestive issues."
"So back to dr."
"Only issue wheat."
"Come to find out, he's spending his paycheck at school on biscuits and gluten-filled snacks."
"He goes to a friend's house, and, bam, eats McDonald's and wheat-filled junk."
"The doc and I warned him that this is only mild-moderate, but it can get worse."
"He actually came home with urticaria and hives last weekend."
"He ate cake and pizza at a friend's."
"He's not 10 he's 17."
"I can't be with him everywhere and police every single thing he eats."
"He knows what wheat is and what to look for, and we literally learned together."
"The school said they won't cut him off even with a doctor note cause he's old enough to police himself."
"They provide alternatives, but he won't eat them."
"He's stubborn."
"Tonight we went out to a gluten-friendly restaurant, and I got him a gluten-free meal for 26 dollars (ours average 15-18)."
"I made sure he was good with the selection."
"He didn't eat it but instead snuck off others plates and snuck bread."
"My MIL is an enabler(just a bit won't bother him ten bites later)."
"He stunk up the car on the way home and tried to deny that he ate wheat, but the guy won't lie."
"He wants to stay home due to gut pain, but I'm getting peeved cause he's causing it."
"Am I an awful mom that if he's going to eat what he wants, I am just over making the effort and spending way extra money when he's not even following the diet?"
"I have been begging, trying, and cooking GF for over nine mos and have spent thousands trying to find what even I feel tastes pretty good alternative."
"I don't want to be an uncaring person, but I feel like I'm wasting time and money that we don't really have when it makes no difference."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for no longer making an effort with her son's gluten allergy.
Everyone agreed that the OP seemed to have exhausted every effort and didn't need to try more tactics, even if some urged her to try and keep her house gluten-free, and others suggested she try even more severe methods:
"NTA, but have wheat free food options at the house."
"That said, as a person with celiac, these are all the things that are easy to have on hand, won't break the bank, and are wheat free:"
"Most potato chips (not pringles)."
"Tortilla chips."
"Salsa."
"Cheese."
"Eggs."
"Rice."
"Potatoes."
"Veggies."
"Corn tortillas."
"Most Lunch meats (boars head and Hormel label for wheat and gluten)."
"Progresso soups label for gluten."
"Yogurt."
"Cottage cheese."
"GF freezer waffles are around the same price as regular ones."
"They work for waffles, sandwiches and a base for individual pizzas."
"Rice Chex- all flavors."
"Obviously there's a lot more GF / wheat free food but a lot of Whole Foods are naturally wheat free and just keep stuff like that around."- ms_sinn
"I'm gluten free because I have celiac."
"I'm going NTA."
"Please stop buying GF alternatives and just stick with fruit, veg, protein, and rice."
"Your kid isn't taking this seriously and is causing him severe damage."
"Personally, I would take him back to the doctor for a sit-down."
"But, in the end you can't force him."
"It's really an annoying situation, but you are doing a good job."
"I suffered for years."
"I just don't understand why he would like being sick."
"Maybe therapy?"- edoyle2021
"Wow."
"I was ready to go into a whole rant, but um.. yeah...."
"NTA."
"Okay."
"First off, he is 17."
"Seventeen year olds are freaking idiots."
"I confidently say this because at 17, I was 100% an idiot and basically, every 17 year old I have ever met (including the one I have raised, 19 now) is an idiot."
"They will jump off the bridge because their friend did."
"Hell, they are the friend who jumped first!"
"They are frustrating, moody, hormonal, not yet adults."
"It sucks that he is making himself sick, especially when you are trying to support him, and it is an easy fix."
"I'm a fafo kinda mom, and all the kids around me (I say kids some are 24 with kids of their own I'm dying) know my line, 'make smart choices, and if you are going to make dumb choices, be smart about them'."
"Your son is being dumb about dumb choices."
"Might be time for some tough pull yourself up by the bootstraps kinda love."
"He is choosing to eat things that make him sick."
"To me, this is the same as drinking before you have to work and complaining all day of a hangover."
"It's time to suck it up."
"He played the game, time to pay the price."
"Life doesn't stop because he wants to eat the bread."
"School, work, chores, etc... don't disappear because he made a bad choice."
"It is time to deal with the consequences and push through the pain and learn a lesson."
"Or not, at a certain point, you have to let them figure their stuff out."
"Now the enabling Grandmother."
"It's time to have a serious talk with Nanna about how her grandbaby had a serious allergy."
"Bring up bee allergies and how it's similar (old people respond to bee allergy analogies) and make her understand she isn't helping or 'treating' her baby. She is physically harming him, and one bite is enough to cause damage."
"Good luck Mama, it's a tough spot."- apschizo
"This is a complicated issue, and I genuinely think you should go to therapy with him."
"He's choosing to poison himself, but that's very different from you doing it."
"If you stop doing gluten-free for meals that you know he's eating, then you're actively harming him."
"It's a tough line to tread."
"Something you could try is making him completely responsible for his own diet - you don't have to cook GF, but he's also not welcome to your food."
"He needs to cook his own food, buy his own groceries (or you can give him a budget), and manage himself."
"NTA but it's also his health, his choice."
"Just don't actively poison your kid."- EchoNeko
There were some who stood up for the OP's son, sharing how they can speak from experience that cutting out your favorite foods is hard and takes some time, but agreed that the OP was doing nothing wrong by not going to as great lengths as she had previously:
"NAH."
"I'm gluten-free and have been since I was a few years older than him."
"I can't fault him for what he's doing because going gluten-free is f*cking HARD."
"It took me a full year to even accept my diagnosis, and I only did it because one night I ate so much gluten that I was in incredible pain, had diarrhea for a week, and slept for 3 days straight."
"And wheat is in everything."
"Not just the obvious stuff, but also things like medicine, soy sauce, paper straws, lotions, it's all over."
"And now your son is looking at a future where he can't just get a pizza with friends; he can't go out for beers with friends because the bar might not offer gluten-free stuff, where he has to watch literally every single thing he puts in his body."
"He won't be able to randomly go out to eat with friends without researching a restaurant first; he'll be alienated by people who don't understand his allergy, possibly even mocked by them."
"He will have to learn to be his biggest advocate when it comes to food, and that can be really hard for a lot of people, especially when it's going to so often mean he has to go against what everyone else wants."
"Oh and the gluten free replacement options?"
"Most of them are f*cking terrible."
"So not only does he have to say goodbye to the good pastries, he gets to look forward to a future of small, dry, crumbly bread."
"What I'm saying is: he needs either to go to therapy or to find some kind of food allergy support group so he can have people his age to relate to."
"People who know what he's going through and can help him learn to make better decisions."
"It's one thing to go through it with the support of your parents, but unless you have the same allergy as him it's not entirely possible to relate to what he's going through."
"Now on to you, my biggest suggestion is this: stop spending so much money on this diet."
"I've been gluten-free for over 15 years, and I'm telling you, it doesn't need to be this expensive."
"Just buy stuff that is naturally wheat-free."
"Meat, beans, fruits, vegetables, rice, etc."
"Baked goods that require gluten-free flour should sometimes be a treat, but not enough to break the bank."
"If you want snacks for him, buy snacks that the whole family can eat instead of just buying stuff for you and separate stuff for him."
"I get it that you want the best for him, but you don't need to be spending so much money to do that."
"As for not cooking for him anymore, I'm going to be honest with you: while he lives at your house, that's his home, and his home needs to be a place that is safe for him."
"I get that it's frustrating, but having access to a place that's safe for him to eat will be hugely important in him learning to accept his allergy."
"You should also involve him in the cooking if you aren't already--help him learn how to safely prepare his own food and how to find alternatives that he likes."
"Maybe he'll be more inclined to eat safe food if he knows how to prepare it himself."
'Also, start sending him to school with a packed lunch."
"There is literally no way that a school kitchen can provide him with safe, non-cross-contaminated options."- CaptainFartHole
One would think that being frequently sick would be enough for the OP's son to kick her habit.
But it seems to be worth it to him if it means he can keep eating his favorite foods.
While the OP is right that she has probably exhausted her options, perhaps it's time to leave it to the professionals, as many Redditors have suggested.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp