It's an interesting situation when your parents re-enter the dating pool.
It's increasingly confusing when you're an adult and you, too, become a part of the dating world.
But just because you're both in the pool doesn't mean you need to wade in the same end.
One person, however, found themselves in that uncomfortable situation when their mother started dating someone four years younger than them.
Things only escalated when the mother got pregnant, so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
The Redditor asked:
"AITAH: I've started calling my mother by her name after she got pregnant by someone younger than me."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"The title is self-explanatory, I guess."
"My mother is having a child with her boyfriend, who is 4 years younger than me."
"He's 22, and she's 47."
"As a result, I've had a hard time viewing her as a 'mother,' and she feels more like a fellow peer now."
"I can't bring myself to call her "mum" anymore. It just feels so f**king gross to call her that when she's having another child with someone younger than me."
"She, of course, is furious with this and has begun making stupid remarks about the way I've started addressing her and badmouthing me to family members, among other things."
"I don't care."
"I've always been uncomfortable with their relationship but tried to blank it out as I was only visiting her like once a month."
"But HOLY SH*T, I can't stand being around either of them at this stage and feel like I need to stay away for the time being."
"No more visits."
"Anyway, that's my dumba** post."
"F**king hell man, why was it so hard for her to stay within her age range?"
"How the f**k does she not see how weird this sh*t is?"
"F**king Boggles my mind!"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and overwhelmingly agreed that OP is not the a**hole (NTA) and has every right to feel incredibly put off by the "gross" circumstances.
"Your 47-year-old mother is having a baby with a 22-year-old?"
"How long has this 'relationship' been going?"
"How long does she think the 22-year-old is going to stick around?"
"She will be the 50-something-year-old mom in kindergarten."
"Your mom sounds like she has a very questionable moral compass."
"You calling her by her name is the least of her life issues."
"NTAH" - Mother_Search3350
"NTA"
"But I would be more concerned that your mother was so stupid."
"Either she was so stupid that she didn't understand birth control and how it works"
"OR she was too stupid to realize she is going to be raising a child alone at nearly fifty years old."
"Either way, have some sympathy."
"Your mother is stupid." - BlueGreen_1956
"I was trying to order my burrito and cracked up."
"Your mom is more worried you're calling her by her name than the fact that she's with a 22-year-old?"
"NTA, that's just uncomfortably weird." - MissNikiL
"Your mother is an idiot."
"Calling her by her name aside, you need to distance yourself unless you want to be pulled in for CONSTANT help and babysitting." - CocoaAlmondsRock
"NTA. And don't worry about her bad-mouthing you to family members."
"I doubt they set much value on her opinion about things right now."
"And beware the people telling you to have 'sympathy' - once she's a 50 yr old single mom with a toddler, sympathy will get your Next Gen Sibling dumped on YOU to raise faster than you can blink!" - JstMyThoughts
"NTA. I'm a 50-year-old woman, and I get why you're skeeved out. Not interested in 20 something's at all." - BadLuckBirb
"You see, your mother is a predator."
"If the roles reversed, this would be obvious, but a young man can't be seen as a victim here."
"She trapped him with a baby."
"You're mother isn't stupid, she's a calculating and manipulative old hag."
"NTAH." - tenetsquareapt
"You aren't calling her mom anymore because this is not the way a mom behaves."
"I would think everyone who knows her thinks the same."
"I'm sure the 22 yo parents are disgusted with her." - Outrageous_Fail5590
"Your mother is so dumb and selfish it's beyond me."
"I am so sorry."
"This is RIDICULOUS."
"I am 46. It's true I had a crush once on a 31-year-old guy, but I never even thought about having a child with him despite him asking for it."
"No way."
"And honestly, I would never consider a guy 15 years younger than me, EVER AGAIN."
"It's bad enough to find maturity at my age, but when they are younger, it's temporary and based on lust and has nothing to do with maturity levels."
"Anyone who says but blah blah, it worked - exceptions prove the rule."
"Age difference DOES matter." - ForeignSoil9048
"NTA."
"Calling her by her name instead of 'mum' isn't really that disrespectful anyway."
"I know a lot of adults who call their parents by their first name anyway." - acacia_tree
"Man, I can't blame you for feeling weirded out by the whole situation."
"It's like once the age gap crosses into 'younger than your own kid' territory, things just get extra awkward."
"Setting some distance for your own sanity sounds smart, but yeah, I get how calling her 'mum' would feel strange now."
"Hopefully, time and space help you figure out how to deal with all the emotions this brings up." - SereneSoul76
"NTA."
"Also, you may want to consider distancing yourself from her because if you ever have a child that guy may want to be their 'grandfather.'"
"Or maybe not, he is 22 so it's very likely that he will leave her as she gets older or as the reality of being a faster sinks in." - Raffzz15
"NTA"
"Your feelings are valid given the situation."
"It's understandable to need space if it makes you uncomfortable." - One_Gear3106
"NTA, I'd be grossed out as well and keep my contact at a minimum" - SteampunkHarley
"Well, if it was your 47-year-old dad who was knocking up his 22-year-old girlfriend, he would probably be labeled with all sorts of nasty terms, and people would probably be recommending limiting contact."
"Mom deserves nothing less in this case."
"NTA." - Reptilian_Brain_420
"NTA, your mother is a disgusting creep for doing that, and I'd bet that the 22-year-old will find someone else in a few years, leaving her to take care of that kid on her own all the way up to her retirement, assuming she can actually afford to retire by then since kids are expensive." - Corodix
"NTA, your mom is gross."
"Take the space you need." - Leading_Durian5855
"NTA"
"Sorry, but it's wildly gross that kid is barely an adult" - Ladyughsalot1
"NTA"
"She's an adult who knows how inappropriate the age difference is when she's dating someone younger than her own child."
"She may want to normalize this, but it doesn't mean you have to play along or agree." - ScarletDarkstar
"NTA, your mother's a predator."
"Imagine the commentary if it's a 47 yr old guy hooking up with a 22-year-old woman." - CountrySax
"Well it's obviously you're NTA I just couldn't comprehense what's your mother has been thinking."
"This is just too wrong" - Sophie_8cupcake
"NTA. It's understandable."
"Limit your contact with your mother."
"Don't get roped into the bullshit. You need to help her out because of your youth."
"Your 47-year-old mother got herself in this situation, and it's HER responsibility, along with the young father, to raise that baby."
"I guarantee you when her baby is born, she will be pestering you for some kind of assistance."
"You will have your own baby to care and provide for, so let your other criticizing family members assist your mother." - Prudent_Valuable603
"NTA, your mom is a creep, you have my condolences," - noeinan
"NTA, that's so gross." - VeronaMoreau
"I'm going to say NTA just because this feels really predatory, and I couldn't imagine being comfortable even being friends with someone doing this, much less a parent…" - Current-Glove5295
"I'm 39 and have a 22-year-old."
"Since she was dating age, my life motto was to never date anywhere near her dating pool BC the idea of dating or hooking up with someone she may have been with is so freaking gross!"
"Similarly, I have a son whose two years younger than my daughter and just BC I'm a young mom it doesn't make me feel ok with dating my son's friends!"
"Sure I legally could date a 20-year-old old but man why would I want to do that to either of my kids?"
"You're NTA at all! Your mom is nearly 50 and is dating a freakin kid (no offense to you) since she has at least one child older than her partner!"
"She's set a VERY UNHEALTHY boundary (or lack of) for herself, and she should've fully expected that her child(ren) may be grossed out, freaked out, and even feel violated by her poor choices!"
"For myself, as a Mom of two ppl in this age group, I simply can't comprehend WHY anyone would want to date someone their kids age or younger!?"
"It has to feel like you're raising another kid!"
"I wouldn't call my mom anything but cuss words and her name if I was in your position, and I would hope my kids would do the same to me if I did this to them!"
"If your 'mom' gets on you about it again, remind her she has a new kid, and he can call her mom!"
"Don't ever feel guilty or bad or less than BC of your choices to set and maintain boundaries that work for YOU and YOUR health!"
"Maybe one day you'll be ok to see her and be around and maybe you won't!"
"It's ok either way as long as you're ok!"
"I'm sorry that your mom failed you and disrespected your needs in this way."
"Just BC, you're an adult doesn't mean your mom should ignore your needs."
"She signed up to be your mom for life when she had you. Being a parent doesn't end when you're kid becomes an adult... ((Hugs))" - Scared-Listen6033
Hopefully OP can find some comfort in fellow Redditors' comments while they navigate this confusing situation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp