Sometimes we have to make impossible decisions for our kids, especially when it concerns medical issues.
But what will happen if we let our own medical histories get in the way?
That could be detrimental to the child’s quality of life, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AITA4medical had to make the tough choice of whether or not to approve of her daughter’s surgery.
But when she was criticized, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she made the wrong decision.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to let my daughter get a surgery?”
The OP was aware her daughter might have a medical condition.
“I ([Female] 30) have been dealing with chronic medical issues all my life.”
“I married my (33) husband, L, a few years ago and had my daughter, A (5), soon after.”
“When I was pregnant with A, I was warned that it would be difficult due to my medical issues and that she would likely have some passed on from me.”
“I accepted this, and I expected it.”
The OP was made aware of a surgical option for her daughter.
“She was delivered and was a beautiful baby girl who didn’t have my issues at the time.”
“However, as she got older, it became more apparent that she inherited my medical problems.”
“One of [these conditions] has an optional surgery that could negate it entirely.”
“It’s possible to live with it instead of choosing to operate, but the surgery will eliminate it.”
But the OP was concerned because of her own hospital experiences.
“I have some trauma with hospitals in general. I’ve had to be in and out of them my entire life, and it’s left some deep wounds.”
“It’s awful to spend your formative years stuck in a sterile room with an IV and in pain.”
“I’ve spent some time in therapy for it, but I still hate hospitals.”
The OP claimed to be more concerned about the recovery time, however.
“The surgery that would remove the problem is covered by insurance, so money isn’t a problem.”
“However, it has a long recovery period, and I don’t want my daughter to have to suffer through that.”
“She has radioulnar synostosis in both arms. She’d have to spend weeks in casts with both arms.”
“I’ve told L that I don’t want her to have to go through the lengthy process of recovery.”
“He disagrees and has asked my family members to ‘knock some sense’ into me (his words, not mine).”
“It’s become a big point of contention between us, and I refuse to budge.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were appalled at the OP for having children and for not seeking medical care.
“I might be in the minority here but I would say OP’s TA just by deciding to have a biological child knowing full well they’d pass on a chronic health condition that would cause them to suffer.”
“And then an even bigger TA for being given the option to ease the suffering OP purposely brought into this world and turning around and saying, ‘No, f**k you, I want you to suffer for the rest of your life.'”
“As someone with chronic health conditions myself, this whole situation genuinely disgusts me. I would never, ever want a child to go through what I’m going through, and if I had the chance to ease a child’s suffering I would jump on it without hesitation (especially if it was my own!).”
“Like, I just can’t grasp the mental gymnastics OP has to be doing to want her child to suffer in the same way she’s suffered, out of pure selfishness.”
“I see this more and more often with parents nowadays. Whatever happened to wanting to give your child/the next generation a better life than you in any way possible? It seems so many parents just want to punish their children for their own suffering.” – paleoterrra
“YTA, you decided to have a baby when you knew that this would/could happen.”
“You want her to live with it because of your trauma?!”
“You also should have thought about this before having biological children. God knows how long you will let your kid suffer because of your trauma.”
“Also don’t have another child if you are going to treat them like this.” – Rangeela-re
“YTA – Why would you want your child to suffer through their entire life with a medical problem that can be easily resolved by surgery? Sure, the recovery period is long- but it will alleviate her from having to deal with the problem for her entire life.”
“I’m a parent too, and if I could get my child a surgery rather than have them suffer with a condition for their whole lives, I would definitely go with the surgery.”
“I understand you have some trauma with hospitals, but this isn’t about you, this is about your daughter and her overall quality of life.” – Mullberries
Others cautioned the OP to get therapy for herself and surgery for her daughter.
“My mother suffered medical malpractice and almost died when I was a child.”
“As a result, she refused to take me to a doctor. Ever. For anything.”
“She did not take me to a doctor when I had pneumonia until I cracked a rib from coughing so much.”
“She did not take me to a doctor when I told her it hurt and bled when I went #2, delaying my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease until I was an adult and could take myself (and it advanced so much by then that I suffered horrifying complications and spent my young adult years in hospitals and buried in medical debt).”
“If you were traumatized, deal with it in therapy. Do not withhold medical care from your children. This is neglect.” – toolittle-toolate
“Trauma logic is often bizarre logic to other people. If her daughter’s conditions have so far been manageable outside of a hospital setting, OP may be viewing this as ‘dealing with this medical condition has impacted my life much less than dealing with trauma I experienced dealing with hospitalizations at a young age, therefore it is in my daughter’s best interest if I minimize the medical trauma.'”
“It’s not good logic, and OP needs to be called out on it and get more neutral eyes on it so they can figure out if her own trauma means she’s drastically overestimating the trauma her child will experience, or minimizing the medical costs associated with not treating it.”
“But it’s very possible that this is the sort of situation where OP is being an a**hole because her trauma has f**ked up her ability to determine the best course of action here.” – agreywood
“YTA… So instead of suffering through recovery, she should suffer for the rest of her life because of your hang-ups? You need to do what’s best for your child, not yourself.” – RoyallyOakie
“There’s definitely an ‘it’s not fair’ vibe coming from OP. It’s mindboggling that people are jealous of medical advances to the point that they withhold treatment from their children.” – GlitterDrunk
Though the OP had reservations about the surgery, the subReddit strongly encouraged her to move forward with it to improve her daughter’s quality of life. They pointed out that, though there was recovery time involved, her overall condition would be dramatically improved, if not changed entirely.