If there’s one thing all parents and teachers have in common, it’s that they never want children to feel left out or excluded.
With this in mind, teachers often go to great lengths to ensure that their students get to know every member of their class as well as possible, while parents also go to great lengths to make sure their children don’t glom onto only one other child.
However, there are some rare cases where including everyone simply isn’t possible.
Specifically, birthday parties.
Redditor Better-Ad9523 was a bit surprised to find her son’s teacher didn’t approve of the final guest list for her son’s birthday party.
Despite the fact that the original poster (OP) told her that was the maximum she could accommodate.
When her son’s teacher stood firm, the OP eventually came up with a solution that finally persuaded her to stop.
After being scolded by her husband for her actions, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for suggesting my teacher host my son’s party at her house?”
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with her son’s teacher, owing to his birthday party:
“I realize this was probably very petty but I want to see if I am justified or just an ahole and owe an apology.”
“My son “Sam” had his ninth birthday today, but we’re having the actual “party” tomorrow night, which is basically just a sleepover at our apartment with two friends.”
“One is in his class and the other in a different one(same school though).”
“Before my son even got home from the bus I got a call from his teacher “Lorna” requesting that the party involve all the students in the class.”
“She learned about it because it came up as the class wished him a happy birthday.”
“I at first politely refused, saying that’s not reasonable but she insisted to make sure nobody was left out.”
“I respond by saying that she has no say in who is at my home ever and that even if she did, my apartment simply cannot accommodate 32 kids and guardians.”
“She says that because other students are involved, she does and that I should have the party somewhere that can allow all students.”
“I was ready to either hang up or tell her off, but what she said at the end sparked an idea.”
“I tell her ‘Okay, what’s your address?’ and when she asks why, I told that since you think you have a say and you want all your students to be a part, we might as well have the party have her house, and request her address again.”
“There’s a pause before she says that’s not exactly what she meant and I tell her that no, she wants everyone to attend so she should be the one to make it work, before hanging up.”
“This is where I probably became the a**hole.”
“Out of curiosity I easily found her address(her SM is not private at all) and email her ‘how does this email sound?’ with an excerpt to the group email chain saying that Lorna has offered to host Sam’s birthday party at her home and to come after school to X address.”
“I was NOT planning on actually sending that to anyone else but her. I just wanted to prove the point. I felt I was being sarcastic, but I know tone is hard online.”
“She responded to not send it and to do whatever I want for the birthday, she does not care anymore.”
“When I vented to my husband about it, he called me unhinged, but he agreed with my point. I’ll admit, I have a bit of a habit going overboard when I feel wronged and probably went nuts, but I can’t believe the audacity of this lady.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community had trouble sympathizing with both the OP and Lorna.
While just about everyone agreed that Lorna was being unreasonable in demanding that the OP include every member of Sam’s class, as this was a party involving two children, not a party involving everyone BUT two children.
They also felt the OP crossed the line by sending the email, with many agreeing with the OP’s husband that her behavior bordered on “unhinged.”
“ESH.”
“It’s one thing if the whole class was invited and just one of 2 kids were excluded.”
“But in this case it’s just a sleepover with 2 friends.”
“That was any basic weekend when I was a kid.”
“But you doubled down and made it creepy by finding her address.”- firewifegirlmom0124
“ESH.”
“As a teacher, wow.”
“Wild.”
“Lorna is part of the broken education system.”
“It’s unfortunate that your kid landed in her room, but I hope this was a random one-off and that she is typically a good teacher.”
“However, you quickly went from being deeply justified and right to possibly opening yourself up to legal ramifications… especially with the paper trail evidence you so willingly created.”
“Public schools teachers have protections and rights.”
“You may have ventured into territory that can range from banning from all school property and events up to and including restraining orders, PFAs, and charges.”
“Flip the script, in the teachers sub reddit, if this was posted from Lorna’s POV, there would be 100s of comments suggesting ‘forward to admin, union along with all communications and documentation of parent’ and from a union rep perspective, I’ve encouraged staff to pursue all legal paths to protect their teaching license and certifications.”
“The old adage hits true here: two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“I tell my students comply, then complain.”
“The second you pop off (like researching, premediating, her address–doubtful her home address is listed on her Facebook, Instagram, etc… you looked elsewhere), you eliminate any real, justified complaint you had.”
“Sooner rather than later, you need to send an extremely sincere apology, explanation of being caught off guard and reactive to her request, recognize that things could have been handled better by both parties, BUT most importantly, this miscommunication between adults should not affect the learning environment for any of the students in the room.”
“Selfish plug.”
“The teacher shortage is real.”
“Lorna is still better than no one… or that class size of 42.”
“We are on the same team with you, parents.”- abedilring
“ESH, you had me applauding up until you mentioned finding her address.”
“She could construe that as a threat and take up the administrative chain, resulting in your son being removed from her class or possibly even local authorities getting involved.”- sitvisvobiscum001
“ESH.”
“I was with you until you found the teacher’s address and let them know.”
“That’s dangerous behavior.”
“Don’t be surprised if you never get to chaperone a school event again.”- cakeresurfacer
“ESH.”
“It is wrong of the teacher to push you to throw a party (it’s not like the son passed out invitations infront of others) to make sure no one is left out.”
“However, you searching their personal information is creepy and intrusive _ very unhinged behavior.”
“Yes, I agree the audacity, but since you admitted this is a habit of yours, I would consider looking into other methods because this can land you into hot water, if it hasn’t already.”- AVeryBrownGirlNerd
“ESH.”
“I mean… asking her to do it at hers got your point across.”
“The e-mail was just beating the dead horse to be extra.”
“Is the teacher an idiot?”
“Yes.”
“Decidedly.”
“Their job ends when the kids go home unless there’s distinct signs a child needs assistance beyond that (abusive households and the like).”
“Trying to dictate someone’s child’s birthday party is insane.”
“But if you were upset enough to write up that e-mail, you could have made it one that goes to the principal instead and details the teacher’s problematic behavior so she’d get reprimanded.”
“You picked the high schooler response over the adult one, and no matter how ‘funny’ that is in theory, in practice, all you’ve done is made it so neither you nor the teacher can enter an interaction normally ever again (or at least until this is settled properly).”
“She teaches your son.”
“You might want to ensure talking grades and stuff is not the most unpleasant and awkward situation to go through ever.”- Schattentochter
“Your poor child.”
“Hope that teacher doesn’t take it out on your kid (she will).”
“Sometimes you have to control your temper for the wellbeing of your children.”
“ESH.”- GailaMonster
It is a teacher’s job to make sure no student is being intentionally excluded or ostracized.
Which clearly wasn’t the case with Sam’s birthday party.
However, as frustrating as Lorna’s behavior was, the OP could and should have taken the high road in explaining why that simply wasn’t possible. As many have pointed out, her behavior might instead have gotten her in much worse trouble with Sam’s school.
Only time will tell…