Most states in the USA allow a surname change as part of a marriage license and as part of a divorce decree without additional fees. But if either person doesn't take advantage of that opportunity, a stand alone name change has to be filed and approved by the court.
In the United States, you can expect to pay anywhere between $100 and $500 to obtain that court order to change a surname.
But this only covers court costs. There can be additional fees to obtain an updated social security card, drivers license, credit cards, etc...
Until recently, a bride not taking her husband's surname was unheard of unless she was a celebrity prior to marriage. And even then, the marriage license often showed a surname change.
Wives also rarely reverted to their original surname during a divorce, especially if there were minor children. The prevailing wisdom was life would be less confusing if the mother and children shared the same surname.
This was also during a time before hyphenated names being given to the children was common in the United States and the majority of siblings shared the same parents.
Of course, all of this is a non-issue in countries where surnames for spouses and children follow a completely different set of norms.
A divorcee—who took her then husband's surname when they married—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over not changing her surname back to her original surname during or after her divorce.
Feeling_Blessed_4eve asked:
"AITA for refusing to drop my ex-husband's last name?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (56, female) divorced my husband two years ago after 26 years of marriage. We have four kids, and the split was amicable. He came out as gay, and we mutually agreed to part ways."
"Changing my name wasn't a priority—updating IDs, legal documents, and bank accounts would be a huge hassle. I still use his last name on official documents, but go by my maiden name socially."
"Recently, he got engaged to a wonderful guy. I've been supportive of their relationship, but during my grandson's birthday party, my ex suddenly asked if I'd consider dropping his last name."
"His fiancé chimed in, saying it makes him uncomfortable that I still use it. I was caught off guard and awkwardly joked that unless they want to spend hours in lines at various government offices, I wasn't going to change it."
"My ex didn't laugh. He insisted it's about starting a new chapter and wants me to 'move on'."
"The whole situation felt bizarre. For two years, it's never been an issue, and now they're ganging up on me?"
"After the party, my ex called and argued that keeping his name makes it hard for his fiancé to feel like they're starting a fresh life. I countered that our kids still use the same name, and it would feel strange for me to be the odd one out."
"What really hurt was learning from my youngest son that his fiancé feels threatened by my name, assuming I'm clinging to some claim on my ex. I've made it clear I have zero interest in rekindling anything, but it feels like I'm being pressured to erase a part of my identity."
"My ex admitted his fiancé is uncomfortable because he sees me keeping the name as a 'power play'."
"I feel like I'm caught between trying to keep peace and being forced into something just because his fiancé is insecure. They want me to go through the hassle of changing everything for their comfort."
"I told my ex that I'll consider it later—maybe after they're married and settled. But now, he's furious, saying I'm being petty and selfish."
"My friends think I should stand my ground, but my kids are divided—one thinks I should just give in to keep the peace, while the other agrees that it's ridiculous to change it just because his fiancé feels insecure.
"I'm frustrated. I don't see why a name on some legal documents is such a big deal, but they're making me feel like the villain."
"So, AITA for refusing to drop my ex-husband's last name even though he's getting remarried?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to change my last name after divorce. My ex feels that after the divorce I should change my last name as it it makes his now fiancé insecure."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Don't change your name! I had my ex's name for 22 years and changing it is horrible."
"I have so much stuff in that name, but as you stated it's your children's name and you will always be their mother. If the fiancé has an issue it is too bad."
"If you change it you will always be pissed at him for forcing you and if you don't he will have to get over it. Seriously, stand your ground on this one."
"It is horrible to change and he is trying to take control of you and your life. If he wins this one it will be down hill from there with every choice you make regarding your kids and life events with the kids and the ex."
"I can just imagine the other demands he will make if he wins this one." ~ MrsNobodyspecial67
"NTA. I have a last name that in the United States, anyone with my surname is either a first cousin, child or grandchild of a first cousin, or married to one of my first cousins."
"Unless your ex-husband's surname is that rare, there's going to be a lot of people with that same surname. Including your children."
"And there have been divorces in my family, including my parents, and no one had to involuntarily give up our rare last name."
"It's not a 'power move'—it's a convenience move. After 26 years, getting everything changed would be a massive, unnecessary and expensive hassle. Ain't nobody at our age got time for that."
"Besides, tell your ex and his fiancé that unless he plans to use the title Ms. or Mrs. after marriage, it's not like anyone is going to get you two confused."
"Maybe they should move on and get over it." ~ LakotaGrl
"It's not just his name, it's the kids' name too. It's your family's name. That should honestly be a red flag about the fiancé, that he wants to change that."
"And if they have such a problem with it, why doesn't ex just take the fiancé's name?" ~ BloodedBae
"NTA, exactly this. If it's such a big deal let your ex be the one to change his name. You share a name with your children and do not have a compelling reason to change it. The fiancé's insecurities are not enough." ~ KeyBox6804
"Nah, he won't change his name because it's who he is—whereas I guarantee you that at some (probably subconscious) level, he sees her name merely as an indicator of which man she's tied to."
"In some people's minds, women are never really their own people with their own identities, and this guy has now revealed himself as belonging to that club. NTA, OP." ~ holesinallfoursocks
"Yep. When they married and she took his name, he never considered that now this last name is hers as much as it is his. He just saw it as him permitting her to use his name, and thinks she has no right to it anymore since it's not really hers."
"But he's wrong. It's her name now and he gets no say in her legal name." ~ a-mathemagician
"Especially after a 26 year marriage. Like many women, she's had this last name as long if not longer than she had her maiden name."
"It's who she is now and it doesn't matter that they aren't married. A decision to change her last name is her decision only. OP is NTA." ~ GrammyGH
"That's what I noted. She's 56 now. She divorced 2 years ago after 26 years of marriage. She's had that last name for almost half of her life." ~ Ijustreadalot
"And the half of her life full of creating a life that's given her an identity. Not the toddler to collegiate stage, but the portion of her life spent creating social relationships and contacts both personal and professional, establishing herself amongst a community."
"Like the half of your life that shapes you into the adult you are today."
"The fiancé is holding the family hostage. And we don't negotiate with emotional terrorists."
"And it's a huge red flag that this is how he is starting his relationship with the family. If he believes his gay partner is at risk of returning to his non-gay ex-wife, well, if there was ever a reason for premarital counseling, this would be it..."
"The fiancé's insecurity is a problem. But it's not yours, OP. 'Not my monkeys. Not my circus. Not the a**hole." ~ RollerDerbyOrphan
"Hell, it's becoming more prevalent for couples to keep their names even in non celebrity marriages. As a dude, it's a pain in the ass to have to update just a phone number or credit card across various online accounts."
"I would never want to subject someone to having to change their entire identity—much less forcing them to change it back after 26 years—out of petty spite. NTA." ~ Azrichiel
It looks like Reddit agrees. The fiancé needs to just let it go and move on.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp