Weddings have a funny way of bringing out the worst in people.
The worst for some people is a lack of judgment, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ShyBabyDolphin found herself stuck in the middle of a family feud when her mom wanted to talk about her siblings' estrangement, during a wedding toast of all times.
When they couldn't see eye-to-eye on the situation, the Original Poster (OP) struggled to find a reasonable solution.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for drawing a line on what I will and won't allow at my wedding?"
The OP was surprised while wedding planning.
"I'm getting married in a month and life has changed a bit since people got invited."
"My older half-sisters and half-brother reached out to our mom and started to reconcile with her after an estrangement that lasted more than a decade."
"My mom now wants me to invite them, which I said no to, and then she talked about including them in her toast, which I shut down."
The OP didn't have a positive upbringing with her half-siblings.
"My half-siblings were 11 [female], 10 [male], and 8 [female] when I was born."
"Their dad passed away 3 years before I was born. My mom and dad were married 9ish months when I came along."
"They hated me, wished I had never been born, or wished me dead on a number of occasions."
"They hated mom for remarrying and hated my dad for stealing their family."
"They rejected having anything to do with me over and over again, and said some things that can never be taken back until one by one they moved out and cut everyone off."
The OP didn't totally believe in the reunification.
"I don't know whether this reconciliation is genuine or not."
"They only appear to be speaking to mom, not my dad at all. She has met her grandkids but dad was not welcome."
"And from what I can gather, I have not been someone they want to discuss."
"My dad also admitted to me that mom said the kids had no idea they had another aunt (me)."
"They only seemed to know about her and her first husband, so my dad was also never mentioned."
The OP didn't want to be involved during her wedding.
"For this reason, and for the fact it's so new, and no amount of true healing can happen in the 7/8 weeks from my wedding to when this all started, I don't want them at my wedding and I don't want them brought up in a toast given the history that is there."
"On my wedding day, I do not want to be reminded of the fact a part of my family hates/hated me for being born and has refused any kind of relationship with me for things outside my control."
The OP's mom did not agree.
"My mom told me if I won't invite them, that's for me to decide, but I can't censor her."
"I told her I was asking her to do something for me on my wedding day, and if she can't, she won't be given a toast to make on the day."
"She told me I am being a controlling bridezilla and that one of my grandparents or someone else in the family might bring them up."
"I told her I had already talked to some of them about it because they approached me first."
"She got so mad. She told me they are working hard to reconcile and I am holding onto childhood issues that should be forgiven."
"My mom is adamant I am behaving inappropriately here."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some warned the OP to take wedding toast rights away from her mother.
"Bridezilla??? Not at all. Mom is the MOBzilla here."
"You're totally right not to invite them and protect yours (and your Dad's) feeling and peace of mind."
"Also, giving Mom that toast is risky business. NTA OP, best wishes in your marriage." - duendepiecito
"This makes me leery of the mom's speech in general. It wasn't a case of, 'Hey, I want to tell this cute relevant anecdote from when you were little, but it would have a passing mention of HalfSibling - is that ok?' This sounds like she's purposely LOOKING to include them in her speech."
"It feels a lot like her chosen method of revenge for her request that they be invited getting denied. Very 'I can't make you invite them, but you can't stop me from talking about them, so HA, I win.'"
"This family certainly has some weird dynamics. I wouldn't trust ANY speeches, to be honest. She might successfully manipulate someone else into mentioning them so she can 'get her way' somehow. Yuck." - ReallyAViolinist
"I'm actually currently planning my wedding, I haven't even thought about speeches yet. I'm not even sure who is traditionally 'supposed' to do speeches outside of the MOH (Maid of Honor) and BM (Best Man)."
"And maybe the Father of the Bride? Would your dad respect your wishes? Otherwise, leave it to your maid of honor and best man, and cut the rest."
"In all honesty, in all the weddings I've been to in the past I've always found the speeches boring and usually, they're before dinner so I'm hungry and they don't get my full attention anyway."
"If she puts up a fuss, tell her that's why you're cutting speeches."
"I'd also warn your DJ or band ahead of time not to let anyone ask for the microphone for a speech that's not in your schedule, just in case she tries to go rogue!" - blobofdepression
Others were puzzled out by wanting to talk about this during a wedding toast.
"I'm a parent that was alienated from one of my children for 8 years, no contact for over a year of that. We reconciled 10 months ago."
"I can tell you there was and still is some overcompensation in my relationship with her, but especially at the beginning. There's still a lot of unprocessed grief I'm dealing with for all that lost time."
"I talked about her a lot, sometimes to my eldest child who was still very hurt by the events of years past and she didn't want to hear it. I had to notch it back by a lot."
"Your mom sounds like she's overcompensating as well. I understand her behavior to some degree."
"HOWEVER, I'm not taking your mother's side. I never pushed my other children into reconciliation with my previously alienated daughter before they were ready, and I corrected my behavior when I realized I was crossing boundaries with my eldest. I didn't need a verbal cue from her to realize I was making her uncomfortable."
"It's good that your mom is no longer insisting they attend, anyway, but she's still asking a lot. It takes a special kind of blindness for her to disregard how horribly your siblings treated you."
"I just don't understand what her reasoning is for insisting on carrying on with a toast that mentions people who not only won't be in attendance, but also would trigger unhappy memories and make you very uncomfortable on what should be one of the happiest days of your life."
"Have you spoken to your dad about the situation?"
"From the sounds of it, he wasn't treated much better than you by his stepchildren. It seems he might share your sentiments and may possibly be able to help talk some sense into her?"
"You're NTA in the slightest. You've made your boundaries. Don't let her stomp on them or make you feel guilty for not allowing her to do so." - toddlersareevil
"I also don't understand how not giving a speech about them would undermine her relationship with them? Especially when they're not even going to be at the wedding?" - ravencrowe
"I don't even understand why she would even need to mention them in a speech at your wedding!"
"Like, you have no relationship with your half-siblings, and until recently, neither did she."
"There would be absolutely no reason to even discuss them in her speech, I don't understand how she could possibly be giving you a hard time about this!"
"I'd just cut her speech, if she's going to argue with you over it." - blobofdepression
A few thought the mother should be uninvited from the wedding altogether.
"NTA."
"So your mom has no problem with all your half-siblings erasing yours and your dad's existence from their children's memories, but you have to be reminded of theirs because your mom has a grandchild fever?"
"Wonder who is selfish here..."
"Idk (I don't know) the whole story, but from what is here, your mom sucks and if she continues this train wreck, threaten to uninvite her."
"Does she not realize how awful that feels to have people wish you were never born? Also how immature are your half-siblings to still act like that now... Truly not mature enough to have kids of their own."
"Stay strong OP, and I hope your wedding ends up as you want and without drama." - CatastronautOnDuty
"NTA. She's trying to force you to be the one responsible for reaching out and making amends when you're not the one who created the divide in the first place."
"Why is she so eager to set you up for more rejection from your siblings? There is no evidence that reconciliation is even something they want for themselves. It's just what your mom is claiming."
"If she can't respect your wishes, she can stay TF (the f**k) away and go be with her other kids on the day of your wedding since she's clearly prioritizing their feelings over yours."
"How are you even supposed to know if they want to attend or if your mother is pushing them to go the same way she's pushing for you to invite them?" - worryaboutYOUh*e
Despite the mother's insistence that she was in the right about this, the subReddit didn't think she deserved to give a wedding toast.
Not only was she blinded by her reunification with her children from her first marriage, but she was insisting on talking about it during a completely inappropriate time.
A wedding toast should be about that: the wedding and the happy couple being celebrated.
Anything more than that could easily feel like an agenda of some kind.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.