One always wants to be accommodating to guests when they pay a visit.
Particularly if they are family.
However, being accommodating can sometimes be difficult when the guests in question begin to make unreasonable requests, or even demands regarding their accommodation.
Seeming to forget that they are a guest in someone else's house.
Redditor Xoxo76757 was recently saddled with such a situation when her mother-in-law (MIL) paid an unexpected visit.
Not only that, but she had a very specific request regarding which room she planned on spending the night in.
A request the original poster (OP) had absolutely no intention of obliging.
After being scolded by her husband for being inhospitable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA? For refusing to let MIL spend the night in my bedroom and lock the door?"
The OP explained how she felt her MIL was imposing herself a bit too much on her and her husband's hospitality, and her reaction put an unexpected strain on her marriage.
"My husband (34 M[ale]) and I (26 F[male]) got married 9 months ago."
"We live in a different town from his parents, and his mom visited us unexpectedly on Friday.'
"Now to give some context about my MIL, She is okay-ish but has no respect for her son's privacy and by extension, mine."
"When it was time to go to bed, MIL requested that we let her sleep in the bedroom, on the master bed."
"Not just that but lock the door as well because she explained she can't feel comfortable enough to sleep without locking the door."
"I found this bizzare but I politely declined and suggested other options like the guest room, couch and air mattress but no she turned around and presented these options to me."
"My husband agreed but I said no."
"This initiated an argument between her and I."
"During the argument I pointed put how I didn't want to be kept out of my room and away from my stuff but she lashed out at my husband saying 'don't you just stand there! Say something!'."
"My husband told me to let her it's just one night, but I told her those were all the options I had for her and if she didn't like them then I could book her in a hotel."
"She took it as in I was kicking her out and started crying which made my husband upset."
"She left at 12am and my husband blew up saying I disrespected his mom who was a GUEST at our house and treated her poorly, he then reminded me it's our bedroom not just mine and I acted horribly to her causing her to go stay at a hotel in the middle of the night."
"He went to book a room in the same hotel as her and turned his phone off."
"The next day she went home and told the family who berated me calling my behavior towards MIL abhorrent and loathsome, now my husband is complaining about how I keep trying to ruin his relationship with his family and push them away."
"But I want to know if I was really ta?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to give her MIL the master bedroom.
Everyone agreed that the OP's MIL was being incredibly presumptuous, with some even wondering if she was intentionally trying to cause a rift between the OP and her husband, while others were confused and disturbed by her husband's reaction, and his decision to stay at the hotel with his mother.
"NTA."
"Then she can use the GUEST room."
"She clearly had ulterior motives here, there is every chance she planned to snoop."- Dont-trust-it
"NTA."
"It's creepy that she wants to sleep in the room you and your husband, her son, share."
"Especially with that insane amount of pushback she was giving and looking at her son to 'step in' only makes this worse than it needs to be."
"Husband is acting like a mommas boy and needs to see his mom is totally in the wrong."-Accomplished-Shop514
"NTA."
"That's weird."
"Especially when there is a perfectly good guest bedroom."
"She is trying to assert her authority as the main woman in your husbands life."
"If he doesn't stick up for you when she is trying to kick you out of your marital bed that's a big red flag."- Icy_Climate_5755
"NTA but I find it bizarre that your husband went to the hotel too."
"Did he sleep with his mommy?"
"So freaking weird."
"Neither my in-laws or parents would ask for my room."
"I'd tell them no."
"I wouldn't want her locked in my room going through my things."
"Weird."- Environmental_Lab107
"NTA."
"Your MIL drops in unexpectedly, decides to spend the night and then tries take over your space?"
"We can't prove it, but we know she was going to pick through your stuff."
"Guest rooms are for guests, she is a guest."
"You are not required to give up your room for her."
"Your husband getting upset and staying in a hotel with his mother tells me who he's really married to though."
"When my now husband and I moved in together, his mother went through the drawers in my bedroom."
"Not that I have anything to hide, but it's my personal space and I felt angry and violated."
"I told my husband that I didn't want her going through my stuff again."
"I didn't want her going through my space and he dealt with it."
"When she came over during our first Christmas in the house, she started taking photos, my husband stopped it."
"You deserve to have your space, you deserve to have a husband that respect your need for space and will stand up to his mother when it is violated."
"MIL isn't going to change."
"Sit husband down and tell him you're uncomfortable."
"If he respects you, he'll listen to what you have to say."- aelib88
"NTA."
"This is YOUR personal space, you may share it with your husband but it should not go further than that, and that your husband pulled the 'it's my room too' with regard to this is just wrong."
"She had a spare room that she could stay in FFS."
"This was definitely some kind of weird power play."
"You should probably be thinking hard about whether you want this to be the rest of your life, because your husband has his balls stuck in his mother's handbag and he's putting her first."
"That he's blaming you and they also have their family berating you too is unacceptable."
"Good luck, you are going to need it!"- Catatomical
"NTA."
"Your husband hasn't broken away from mommy yet."
"May be a life long problem."-jdubya525
"Ask your husband 'If we visit your Mom at her home, would she give up her bedroom for us?'"
"'We would be guests at her home;."
"NTA."
"But your husband and MIL are."
"This is nothing but a power play by MIL."
"Give in and you are setting yourselves up for increasingly more demanding behaviors from her."
"Set boundaries now."-JustOneMore_Cat
"NTA."
"But this is a super red flag with your husband."
"It might be both of your bedroom but MIL's creepy 'comfort' is absolutely not to be put above yours in your house."
"50% no is still no and he should never agree to something so ridiculous without talking to you first."
"You were right to stand your ground, the guest room is for guests."
"The master bedroom is for the people who pay the bills."- Boomgtd_
"NTA."
"'Guests' are unusually invited."
"She shows up unexpectedly and demands exclusive use of your bedroom when you have a guest room?"
"Nope."- dart1126
"NTA, you are married now."
"Your husband is the AH."
"He needs to set the boundaries with MIL, and respect yours."
"This happened to me as well."
"My parents would tell me I needed to come over and help with something, not respecting plans I had with my wife."
"It was how I lived when I was single."
"My parents struggled, but they got over it."
"They now know to let us know well in advance, and that I am no longer at their disposal on a whim."
"In as much as your husband thinks you disrespected your MIL, he actually disrespected you."
"This needed to happen."
"He needs to choose you every time."- Individual-Mall-6914
Hospitality is a gift, one that can be easily taken away if it's been taken advantage of.
One has to wonder where the OP's MIL got the idea that it was acceptable to ask to take the master bedroom of a house she is a guest in.
Particularly after arriving unannounced.
Seeing how blatantly her husband took his mother's side, one wonders how many more visits from her mother-in-law the OP will have to deal with.
Or if her husband will even be sleeping in the master bedroom any more.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp