Perhaps the best thing about flying the coop, and getting your own place is that you are beholden to no one's rules, but your own.
As a result, you never need to worry about doing something against your mother or father's wishes, have to eat whatever they're having for lunch or dinner, and can wear clothes without worrying about what they might think of them.
Even so, whenever they come to visit you in your new home, you still might feel the need to impress them and do things their way for the brief time they spend with you.
The parents and brother of Redditor Feisty-Ladder-2378 recently paid an unannounced visit to her home.
Almost immediately upon their arrival, the original poster (OP)'s mother expressed her horror at what she was wearing, or rather what she wasn't wearing, and demanded she change.
The OP was willing to oblige, under one condition, which only made her mother, as well as her father and brother, all the angrier.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for saying that if I have to wear a bra at home so does my dad and brother?"
The OP explained why she felt that if she was going to adhere to her mother's demands, it was only fair that her father and brother did likewise.
"For starters, I (23 F[emale]) have the smallest chest in the family."
"My brother (26, M[ale]) and father (57, M) both are a bit on the heavier side, but I have never used that against them before, and it's never been a big issue."
"Last week, my parents and brother came over for a surprise visit, and I happened to forgo wearing a bra since it was just me at home loafing in my room and reading stuff."
"They wanted to stay a while and chat/ have tea in the apartment, so I didn't really see a reason to put on a bra still."
"Fast forward a while, and I notice my mom is giving me a look."
"I wasn't wearing anything particularly see-through or thin. It was just a regular graphic tee of my favorite hot sauce and some shorts."
"My mom told me to go change since it was inappropriate for me to be wearing 'so little' with men in the house."
"I told her politely at first that I didn't think it was anything weird, and I used to wear these exact clothes at our house all the time not that long ago, and she never said anything."
"But then she started going off on a tangent about how I wasn't little anymore, and I couldn't get away with having them just 'swinging around'."
"We argued a bit about it because I really can't be bothered to put on a bra during the weekend when I have no plans on going anywhere, but she kept insisting that I was being a terrible host and 'exposing myself'."
Things went south fast after her father and brother got involved.
"My dad and brother were also on her side (brother more reluctantly) and just told me to do what she wants, and it wasn't a big deal."
"I don't know why, but I just felt so done and stressed at this point that I snapped, 'If I have to wear a bra in my own house because of my chest, then so do dad and bro'."
"I could tell right away that my comment made my dad feel hurt, and I did feel immensely guilty afterward, but I still don't think I should have had to put on a bra for a surprise visit when they were going to leave soon anyways."
"My brother tells me that I took it too far and I should've just either ignored her or changed for that little while they were visiting."
"My mom also still refuses to talk to me until I apologize for my inappropriate comment."
"My dad was very vocally backing her up and enforcing this need to wear a bra behavior."
"He and my mom are just afraid that if I am not wearing a bra when they're around, I probably won't for other guests, and that makes me immodest."
"My brother just sided with them because he already gets on my mom's nerves enough for other reasons so he didn't want to draw any fire."
"My mom is the type of person who even wears bras to sleep, so to her, wearing one really isn't a big deal, and she often says that not wearing one will lead to a saggy chest in the future."
"Her comment wasn't really meant to be a jab at the men's ability to keep it in their pants. It's really just her own thoughts on the matter."
The OP was left to wonder...
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for insisting her father and brother wear a bra if she was ordered to do so.
Everyone agreed that the OP's mother had absolutely no say in telling the OP what she could and couldn't do in her own home, even if some felt that the OP didn't need to bring her father and brother into the fray.
"To clarify."
"This is your house, and these are uninvited guests?"
"And an unannounced visit?"
"Your mother wanted to you go put a bra on, so you should remove yourself from uninvited guests, go into your room, put on a bra, and then are expected to entertain them?!?"
"To make the same people who came over unannounced feel comfortable with your braless-at your own home- chest?!?"
"Nope."
"NTA."- klurtin
"No more surprise visits!"
"Your mom will hate that a lot."
"Let her be angry - in her own place."
"Looks like your fam isn't good at boundaries, but you can still have them."
"The trick is to decide ahead of time how you will react to things so you don't get flustered."
"And if they won't drop the subject, it's time to say goodbye."
'Surprise visit?"
"'Now's a bad time! Can't let you in'."
"Criticism of your clothing choices?"
"'Not up for discussion, thanks'."
"Needling you to pick a fight?"
"'I'm not having this conversation with you."- RogueThneed
"NTA."
"You can't give me rules on MY body in MY house."
"Also really creeped out by the whole idea of women having to cover up their bodies for men in their family.'
"Fat shaming your dad/brother makes you a little of TA."- judgemental_turtle
"NTA."
"Your house, your boobs, your rules."
"It's simple as that."
"Plus, it's hella gross of your mom to sexualize your boobs to your dad and brother."
"If your dad's feelings are hurt, maybe he shouldn't backup someone sexualizing his kid in her own damn home."- ThatHellaHighHobbit
"NTA."
"Your mother is the primary AH here."
"She was wrong. It's your home, your body, and your decision."
"Your dad and brother supported her?"
"WTF?"
"You pointing out the hypocrisy, even using their breast size, was absolutely fair game."
"Don't let unannounced guests in."
"Don't invite your mom over."
"Tell her she can shove her stupid rules."
"I know, family's more difficult than that."
"But your mom is trying to control you in your own home."
"She does not deserve an apology, and while she's not talking to you (over something so stupid), at least you can go on living your best (bra-free!) life."- Tangerine_Bouquet
"Next time, go to your room and come back wearing a bra without a shirt."
"Mom can suck an egg with that sexist nonsense."
"NTA."- bayoublossoms
"Mom: your t*ts make either me uncomfortable or your dad or brother.'
"Who knows anymore."
"T*ts are scary even though I have had them my entire life."
"Brother: my t*ts are not big."
"Oh my feelings."
"Dad: my t*ts are not big."
"Oh my feelings."
"Mom again: your t*ts may distribute milk one day, burn the witch."- DogeCoinHope
"NTA."
'When will this mindset die already?'
'What was your mother worried about?"
"You're gonna turn your own father or brother on?"
"This needs to stop."
'Your house, your rules, let them be free!!!"- Travelcat67
Upon reading the comments, the OP returned to admit that she did regret using her father and brother to make her point and shared how she planned to handle the situation.
"Thank you for some of the comments also calling me out."
"I will definitely apologize to my brother and maybe my dad since it was unnecessary to my mom's level."
Had the OP invited her family to her home for dinner, no doubt she might have worried a bit more about her appearance.
But considering they showed up unannounced, she was under no obligation to change anything about her outfit.
Particularly as her mother seemed to feel this was a bigger issue than the hospitality the OP provided, despite their arriving unannounced and uninvited.
Something one can at least guess her family will never do again.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.