Content Warning: Body-Shaming, Weight-Shaming
It’s undeniable that going through a physical transformation, like losing a lot of weight or committing to a rigorous exercise routine, can dramatically change not just your body but also your quality of life.
But for some people, it can also change their personality, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor GiftExcellent5409 was aware that his wife had worked hard to lose weight and get a “smoking hot” body from losing weight, but he was much more concerned with how her personality had changed, not just with him but also with their children.
But when he attempted to bring this to her attention, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t know what else to do when she accused him of being ungrateful for the effort she had put in.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife that she was a better wife, lover, and mother when she was fat?”
The OP remembered the good times with his wife.
“My (37 Male) wife (39 Female) used to be so kind, compassionate, fun, funny, and sexy.”
“She was overweight for most of her life, and lost the weight in late 2024.”
“We used to have so fun together. She used to spend a lot of time with the kids.”
Everything changed when the OP’s wife lost the weight.
“Now, she doesn’t spend much quality time with the kids. She’s going out all the time. She admitted that she dresses and acts in a way to get attention from young guys.”
“She’s loud. She brags about how she looks. She’s just annoying now.”
“Recently, we got in an argument about our sex life. I told her she just lies in bed like a dead fish.”
“She said I should appreciate that she’s smoking hot now. She wants me to just witness her and do stuff while she lies there doing nothing.”
The OP finally told her how he really felt.
“I told her that she was a better wife, lover, and mother when she was fat. That I prefer the woman I fell in love with, instead of this annoying, mean girl.”
“She called me ungrateful and said that she worked so hard to become smoking hot.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn’t understand the wife’s change in personality.
“Woman/wife here, this behavior is strange. I’ve recently lost 80 pounds myself and feel the hottest I ever have in my life. I feel even hotter in the bedroom now with my husband and crave HIS attention nonstop.”
“I have noticed people are looking at me more and friendlier to me out in public, but I don’t go seeking it. It just gives me more confidence and makes me happy that my husband now has a confident healthier wife. One he deserves.”
“That all being said, I do like/love my husband. I was excited to have him see me be more confident. This smells like she doesn’t like/love her husband and is now seeking attention elsewhere. Has the “I’m better than you now” mentality and seeing what better option she has out there now.” – Main_Grape739
“Woman here, and I don’t want to jump and leap, but this is odd behavior. It’s totally normal to appreciate yourself more after losing weight, but the fact that she wants everyone to treat her like a god now is insane. She’s actively seeking out attention from men. That’s not okay.” – No_Pattern5707
“This is crazy to me. I used to be very thin (130 at 5’6). Due to health issues and military issues (as well as 17 years of aging), I went from that 130 to 260. I am one and a half years post op bariatric surgery now, and I like to think all my changes have been positive ones.”
“As a short list, I don’t care about attention, I never lost my husband’s attention. I can actually play with my children without getting tired. I would argue I’m a better lover in the sense that I have more energy to be a more active partner, and I love that for my husband.”
“I get that I’m likely in the majority when it comes to bariatric patients, but to see yours and another person’s comment that divorce and dramatic personality changes are higher than I’d have thought is really sad.” – IssaSpida
“Sadly, OP should keep this in mind that chances are very good his wife is going to do something stupid. I would suggest getting a counselor and possibly, quietly confiding in an attorney for advice on anticipating infidelity. The signs are not looking good.” – doublebagger45
“She needs to get her head out of her arse, you loved and married her regardless of weight… if she lost it it wasn’t because of anything you did or said so you shouldn’t need to be grateful… but yeh she basically thinks she’s all that now and nothing is more unattractive than someone who keeps telling the world how attractive they are.”
“You can still be pretty and have an ugly attitude, which in turn makes you just an ick person.” – trayC-lou
A few said NTA, but that an apology might still help.
“Although I do personally agree it’s odd behavior in the sense that like nobody else’s (like OP, the kids, etc) feelings are being considered, but I’ve def heard this tale many, many times.”
“Two people are married, one loses a bunch of weight and starts taking care of themselves, and the relationship suffers one way or another, whether its a situation like this orrrr the person who loses weight doesn’t change (personality wise) and the partner has the hard time because of low self esteem or whatever.”
“But regardless, sorry OP. This is a tough situation. I think what you said was maybe like mean? But then again, it sounds like it was said out of haste and in the heat of the moment.”
“NTA butttt I do think a deeper, calmer convo needs to be had because you really do feel this way and that is valid, but could be done in a better way.” – _chartreausecapybara
“No, you’re not, but your understandable upset came out very undiplomatically. It’s easy to do that in the heat of emotion, so I’m not criticizing you. She is drunk on the attention she suddenly she feels she has, and seems to seek, that she feels she missed out on before.”
“Apologize, tell her it came out wrong. Tell her how much you love her, how you’re proud of her, happy that she accomplished what she did, did something for herself… but you’re concerned. Ask her if she’s happy with her life, her family.”
“Tell her you miss who she was, that it feels like something is wrong, that you and the kids want her happy and miss spending time with her. It’s all about getting her to open up, but don’t be confrontational.” – johnrobie55
Others were concerned that the OP’s marriage was not long for this world.
“She thinks she’s better than you and that you should worship her. Perhaps she settled for you when she was heavier, thinking she couldn’t do any better, and now that she’s thinner, she thinks she could do better, and you should be lucky to be with her and no longer makes any effort with sex, etc. Do explore all this.” – UnusualPotato1515
“Smoking hot is a great icebreaker, but it’s too shallow for anything beyond that. Not really trying to break the ice with your wife. So it’s not doing very much for you. The longer-term relationship means much more now.” – Talking_-_Head
“You are now part of her boring old life, and you are no longer good enough (in her mind), and good-looking young men now fancy her (and she loves it).”
“Be prepared for her affair(s).” – TastyComfortable2355
“I’m guessing it’s because they now need something new to fill the hole they have inside that they thought weight loss would fix.”
“Or she can finally date the attractiveness bracket she was always eyeing but never had a go at before because they were out of her league.”
“A lot of people settle for what’s realistic for them at the time. Marriages are often practical timing and lifestyle matches, not something out of a romance novel. If better options come along later, a lot of people would be tempted, and a certain portion will also act on it.”
“People don’t like being confronted by this; it’s a threat to their contented mediocrity, so they invent this bogus moral high horse about hotness being shallow. It’s called sour grapes, and doubles as a social strategy to keep everyone in line, suppressing what they actually want out of fear or shame.” – cat_alonic
“I hate to go here, but I’m sure that your wife either is going to or has already started having affairs, unfortunately, and she’s mentally and physically separating herself from you AND from your children. This had happened way too many times to not be a serious consideration for OP. Brace yourself. NTA.” – GhostWCoffee
“I would tell her that you thought she was smoking hot before, not just now. And that you don’t like the way she’s treating you and the kids.”
“My late husband’s first wife had weight loss surgery. Recovery was rough. He nursed her back to health and took care of her. Even before then, he took care of her. She had gotten heavy enough that it caused her health problems. He was always there for her (by both of their admissions).”
“After recovery, she started going out all the time and clubbing. Eventually, she started cheating. To cover her tracks, she started telling people that they were separated before she even told him that she wanted to be separated. I myself was a mutual acquaintance at the time, and she told me a week before she told him.”
“She was a big-time liar and flaming narcissist, though, so I’m not saying your wife would do this, but she does need to start taking accountability for her behavior sooner rather than later.” – Robinnoodle
“NTA.”
“But you love your wife because of the good person you fell in love with. This person, right now, this is who she really, truly is! It was just buried deep inside her under all of her self-hatred and insecurities! Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes all the way to the soul.”
“I’m sorry to break your heart all over again, but the woman you married, she doesn’t actually exist. She was a carefully constructed lie that she told so well that she may have even believed it herself for a little while. When I say I’m sorry, I mean that, from the bottom of my heart. Because she sold you a lie. And she is destroying your family because she is a selfish, arrogant, narcissistic, insecure liar.”
“I suggest you get yourself to the bank and get your money in order. Speak to an attorney. File for full custody of your kids. Your marriage is over. It’s been over a while now. It’s time to protect the kids and yourself. Just don’t let this keep you from falling in love again. You’ll find the right one. Because your soon-to-be ex-wife just let you go.” – Medusa-1701
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP’s behalf for how his wife was treating him and their children now that she was feeling better about herself.
Healthy relationships are meant to get through everything together and to lift each other up, rather than letting go as soon as they think they can have something “better.”