Friendships evolve over time.
Even if we stay close with the friends we make as children, the dynamic will change as our lives take different paths because of careers, marriages, or children. This doesn't mean we value our friendships any less; it just means impromptu coffee meet-ups or nights out might no longer happen regularly.
Some people have a harder time facing this reality than others.
Redditor Stock-Act1304 recently visited some friends who were now parents.
While things started off well, the original poster (OP) found herself in an unexpected confrontation with the friends.
Who even unveiled evidence suggesting she hadn't been a good friend to them.
Unsettled by the whole experience, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for feeling uncomfortable visiting my friend after finding out they timed me on their nanny cam?"
The OP explained why a recent visit with her friends left her with a bad taste in her mouth:
"I drove three hours to visit this friend and their child after not seeing them for about eight months."
"During that visit, I made a genuine effort to connect with them and their little one."
"I asked how they were doing, asked about their daughter, and talked with them for hours about how they were balancing work and parenthood."
"I held their child, laughed with my husband when he was awkwardly figuring out how to hold her, and even danced around trying to keep her entertained during tummy time."
'However, during a recent disagreement, my friend brought up that they had apparently watched footage from their nanny cam from that visit months ago and had timed me."
"They used what they observed and said I’m a bad friend because I talk about my own work and life (which they prompted), rather than focusing on them and their child."
"This conversation about life and work occurred when their child was taking a nap."
"I understand that becoming a parent changes your life, and they have been very stressed lately."
"I genuinely want to know how my friend is doing, how their daughter is growing, and how they’re adjusting to parenthood."
"I demonstrated that by driving three hours to see them and spending hours asking questions and engaging with them."
"But I didn’t know that them asking me about my life, job, and marriage was unwanted even though they asked."
"These things are things I want to share with my friends."
"If someone asks me about those things, I answer."
"I thought friendship was supposed to involve mutual conversation, where both people get to share what’s happening in their lives."
"What really bothers me is the nanny cam situation."
"I understand that nanny cams exist for children's safety, and I have absolutely no issue with a parent wanting to keep their child safe in their own home."
"That’s their right."
"What makes me uncomfortable is the idea that footage from a visit months ago was reviewed and timed."
"I had no idea I was apparently being evaluated during what I thought was a normal, genuine visit with someone I cared about."
"Now I feel uncomfortable even thinking about setting foot in their home again."
"I feel like I would have to monitor every word I say, count how many minutes I spend talking about their child versus myself, and constantly prove that I care enough."
"I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells in a friendship.I’m also hurt because I made a significant effort to visit them after eight months apart, and instead of feeling like that effort was appreciated, I’m finding out that my conversation was apparently being scrutinized behind the scenes."
'I’m not saying I’m a perfect friend."
"I’m open to hearing that I could do more or that my friend feels neglected."
"If they had told me they needed more support, more questions about their daughter, or more opportunities to talk about parenthood, I would have been willing to have that conversation."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Everyone agreed that the OP being recorded was both a violation of her privacy and that her friends were holding her up to an impossibly unfair standard:
"Honey, they’re watching baby monitors and cameras for assessment, entertainment, & sport."
"Cut your losses, they’re off their rockers."
"NTA."- NUredditNU
"NTA."
"'I timed you on the nanny cam...'"
"'Wait, what? You had a nanny cam recording me and timed what I was doing?'"
"'Yes, and when I did I found out...'"
''That you're a crazy person who has no business being around others? Yeah, that's what I found out, too. Bye'."
"Run away from this friendship."- False_Appointment_24
"NTA."
"Your friend pulled up months-old nanny cam footage to stopwatch your conversation after you drove three hours to visit them."
"Nanny cams are for child safety, not running secret behavioral audits on guests."- Spectre_Omega
"NTA, that's a crazy thing for them to do."
"I'd be so anxious about visiting in the future, just because I'd worry about them auditing my conversation again and coming up with a spreadsheet or pie chart about what I did wrong.
"Driving three hours (was it each way??) to visit someone is SUCH a nice thing to do!"- India_Alpha
"NTA."
"I would be so done with that friend . . . you don't owe them a particular amount of time talking about them vs you after you've driven 3 hours to visit them."
"When was the last time they visited you?"
"The scorekeeping would be a deal breaker for me."
"'Sorry, I really wish you the best, Susan, but I have better things to do than count how many minutes I talk about you vs me'."- WheresMyMule
"NTA."
"I would never want to be friends with someone who sounds this entitled and micromanaging."
"Timing your conversations?"
"Who in the hell thinks that's ok or necessary?"
"This would absolutely be a friendship ender for me."- Ksilverstar25
"NTA."
"That's just weird."
"That takes the anxiety mental replays to another level."
"Wow."- DabbyShapiro
"NTA."
"Your 'friend' sounds ridiculous."
"Also the nanny cam thing is wild."
'Plus why did she ask about your life if she didn’t want to hear about?"
"I would step away from this friendship and let her figure her sh*t out."- dweeeeble-bop
"They can't be that stressed if they're wasting time reviewing video footage to shame their 'friends'."
"NTA."- disasterbee
"NTA."
"That's genuinely psychotic behavior on their part."
"They are an entitled parent who thinks everyone's lives should revolve around them and their child."
"If they feel neglected, they can communicate that like an adult instead of secretly reviewing nanny cam footage from months ago to time how long you talked about yourself."
"You drove three hours to visit them, and apparently even that wasn't enough."
"I'd be uncomfortable going back too."- sleepyHedgehog99
"NTA."
"And your friend is weird."- Salt_My_Watermelon
"NTA."
"That nanny cam timing thing is next level weird, like something out of a corporate performance review not a friendship."-Green_Variation_1428
"NTA."
"You drove three hours, engaged with their kid, and held a normal back-and-forth conversation after they asked about your life."
"That’s a friend."
"Using a nanny cam to time and score you, then weaponizing it months later, isn’t parenting—it’s surveillance and control."
"Friends don’t do that."
"You’re allowed to expect mutual conversation and basic respect without performing for a hidden camera."
"Stepping back preserves your dignity, not theirs."- HawkFeatherAviation
"It’s giving mental health crisis."
"This is DERANGED behavior."
"As a childfree person I’ve made lots of snarky comments about how selfish parents are and how they stop caring about anything that happens in their childfree friends lives as soon as they pop a kid out, but this person took that to a new level."
"Friendships should be equal."
"They should be asking about you as much as you ask about them."
"Going back to the nanny cam footage in order to scrape together imaginary evidence about how you’re a bad friend because you (checks notes) ANSWERED A F*CKING QUESTION that THEY ASKED is … ??????? It’s not normal."
"It’s not healthy behavior."
"Is this friend the birthing parent?"
"Is PPD or PPP a possibility here?"
"You are NTA."- burnt-heterodoxy
It's not a conversation when one member of the conversing group is only talking about themselves.
That being said, not everyone does this maliciously or even intentionally, including the OP in this scenario.
If the OP's friends feel the need to focus on this instead of the fact that their friend took a three-hour road trip to visit them, one has to question how much they value their friendship with the OP.
Or how much the OP should invest in these friends.
