Marriage is really a union of two families, not just the individuals who are madly in love and ready to take that next step.
Having in-laws can be a blessing, as a newlywed gains new allies and additional shoulders to cry on in a time of need.
But it can also be a curse. One woman is dealing with a situation with her in-law that isn’t going to change anytime soon.
When the issue was raised, she caused drama, leading her to visit the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment.
There, Redditor blonde-horse asked:
“AITAH – My husband wants his mom to stay with us multiple weeks, without return flight home.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband M[ale](28) and I F[female](25) are newly weds as of this year. We have been together for 5 years and since the beginning, we have had MAJOR in-law issues.”
“My hubs wants his mom stay with us with no return flight home. It started with him saying two weeks but now he wants a month. This unending return flight home is driving me crazy.”
“I work from home. I’m home M-F, all day. More so this last month since I have an injury that has kept me stuck in bed most of the time and using crutches. October is the busiest month for us with holidays and birthdays.”
The OP continued:
“So in addition to these two things, i have been going crazy having to also host and be with MIL [mother in law] 24/7 (she doesn’t go anywhere except sometimes a walk). My hubs is gone all day every day. Hes goes to work, then gym, then comes home to his office and continues to work.”
“He claims he just wants her around but they dont do anything together. Since I have been off crutches the last week and I feel bad she doesnt do anything, i have been the one taking her out to shop or ask if she wants food, etc.”
“Im exhausted and really need space. I have my own office to work but its by the guest room shes in so I just dont want to leave my room and have been working from bed. I usually work out in the kitchen, and move around the house and soak up all my alone time.”
“But its been squashed since shes here now too, all day. I dont want to mingle constantly or hang out. I feel like a ticking bomb and dont want to blow up at her.”
She began questioning her conscience.
“She is either very quiet or has a lesson to give. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her here on an unending time frame?”
“My husband continues to fight me because he says its not fair that i have my family that lives near by, but his cant stay with us. I have tried to tell him, i want her to visit but i need time frames and need it to not be this long of time period in a row.”
“I have offered maybe she gets a hotel, maybe she stays with us a week then stays with his sister a week and so on. I have tried offering many solutions but he wont get past the fact that I wont let her stay how ever long he wants.”
She described the physical toll the situation has taken on her.
“I get physically sick from anxiety of her being here 24/7. I cant even fully focus on my work. I stayed a night with my parents but that upset him, because he says i need to put a smile on and be with her here, but wont let me have any moment to recharge.”
“We have non stop fought over this and other in law issues, that have made me feel invalid and second best to his family. I have feared and still fear that him fighting me so harshly for his family will end our future together.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA, and you have a husband issue, not a MIL issue. If you can’t work out some reasonable solution here, it’s time to consider cutting your losses and leaving, especially before you have children.”
“Your husband has showed you that you are 2nd to his mom, and that you are likely to continue to be so. When you have children, then he’s going to want her living with you ‘to help out.’ ”
“Of course, that really means that she is going to be in charge. You are merely the help that does the chores as assigned and pops out children; you won’t have much actual input into the care and raising of those children after they are born, because of course MOM IS IN CHARGE.”
“You need to do two things:”
“Go see a divorce lawyer. Even if you aren’t ready to pull that trigger yet, you need advice as to the options available to you and likely outcomes; and”
“Go back to your parents for a few nights. Let him be upset, maybe that will get his attention.”
“This is a hill to die on. If this can’t be resolved (and mom moves OUT and doesn’t come back to visit until you have an agreement as to when and the parameters of the visit AND she has a return ticket) your relationship is either over or you are destined to be 2nd for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?” – Tarik861
“NTA”
“when your husband is out, change the offices : his in the guest room with his mother, and yours in his. That way, you can work in peace. If he is not ok when he comes back, remind him she is HIS mother and that HE needs to spend time with her, not you.”
“He goes to the gym : bring his mother there. She’ll ‘support’ him at the gym. He needs to spend time with his mother.”
“If he complains, ask him when ‘mummy’ goes back home. HER home. Because you need YOUR space.”
“stop talking to MIL. If she asks for something, tell her where things are. Or call her son at work / gym and tell him his mother has something to ask him.”
“If he complains. Take your bag, go back to your parents home. Involved them if necessary to talk to your husband.”
“IF he still asks you to take care of his mother, talk to a lawyer.”
“Your MIL is a little problem : she should feel she is too much in your marriage. But your husband is a baby boy who can’t take responsabilities with his mother. The proof : he escapes as much as he can to avoid spending time with her ! If he was so happy to have his mother, he would stop gym to be with her.”
“Your buggest problem is him. You have to confront him and soon.”
“Good luck.” – Lyzab77
“My petty @ss would also drop MIL at the gym and tell her that her son wants his mom to hang with him then leave. Every. Single. Day. Then enjoy a couple hours alone at home.”
“Or get a hotel on the weekends to get away or move in with your parents and get a divorce if he can’t end this craziness. Trust me do it before kids come along.” – Wine-n-cheez-plz
“NTA. This is literally inferring with not only your job but your health as well. Healing happens slower in stressful conditions.”
“I have offered maybe she gets a hotel, maybe she stays with us a week then stays with his sister a week and so on.”
“Maybe, just maybe…you should go to a nice hotel or AirBnB so you can have some space and get some much needed rest. Kinda force your husband to manage his mother…see if he still wants her around 24/7 when he also needs to be with her 24/7.”
“If he’s covertly trying to move her in to make you her caretaker, removing yourself for a bit might open his eyes as to how much of a problem this will create for him.” – IamIrene
“NTA, sounds like he wants her to move in with you permanently. You really need to have a clear conversation with him about this and your expectations within this relationship. Tell him again that you are okay with her visiting, but this extended stay is wearing on you mentally and affecting your work.”
“Remind him that you work from home and you cannot be a host 24-7 to his Mom while he leaves the home for work and his activities. He needs to communicate with you better and you with him.” – OGRealityCheck
“NTA. Run. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants someone to keep his mommy happy. If you’re cool with doing that for the rest of her life, carry on. But if not, this relationship is cooked. You’re young, get out now, get a fresh start, and don’t ignore red flags next time.” – Dinosnuggler
Overall, Redditors saw red flags and thought it best for the OP to be prepared in case the situation doesn’t improve and her husband shows no willingness to address her concerns and come up with a solution together.
Hopefully, they’ll be able to reach some sort of compromise if staying in the marriage is of mutual interest.