Marriage is really a union of two families, not just the individuals who are madly in love and ready to take that next step.
Having in-laws can be a blessing, as a newlywed gains new allies and additional shoulders to cry on in a time of need.
But it can also be a curse. One woman is dealing with a situation with her in-law that isn't going to change anytime soon.
When the issue was raised, she caused drama, leading her to visit the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment.
There, Redditor blonde-horse asked:
"AITAH - My husband wants his mom to stay with us multiple weeks, without return flight home."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband M[ale](28) and I F[female](25) are newly weds as of this year. We have been together for 5 years and since the beginning, we have had MAJOR in-law issues."
"My hubs wants his mom stay with us with no return flight home. It started with him saying two weeks but now he wants a month. This unending return flight home is driving me crazy."
"I work from home. I'm home M-F, all day. More so this last month since I have an injury that has kept me stuck in bed most of the time and using crutches. October is the busiest month for us with holidays and birthdays."
The OP continued:
"So in addition to these two things, i have been going crazy having to also host and be with MIL [mother in law] 24/7 (she doesn't go anywhere except sometimes a walk). My hubs is gone all day every day. Hes goes to work, then gym, then comes home to his office and continues to work."
"He claims he just wants her around but they dont do anything together. Since I have been off crutches the last week and I feel bad she doesnt do anything, i have been the one taking her out to shop or ask if she wants food, etc."
"Im exhausted and really need space. I have my own office to work but its by the guest room shes in so I just dont want to leave my room and have been working from bed. I usually work out in the kitchen, and move around the house and soak up all my alone time."
"But its been squashed since shes here now too, all day. I dont want to mingle constantly or hang out. I feel like a ticking bomb and dont want to blow up at her."
She began questioning her conscience.
"She is either very quiet or has a lesson to give. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her here on an unending time frame?"
"My husband continues to fight me because he says its not fair that i have my family that lives near by, but his cant stay with us. I have tried to tell him, i want her to visit but i need time frames and need it to not be this long of time period in a row."
"I have offered maybe she gets a hotel, maybe she stays with us a week then stays with his sister a week and so on. I have tried offering many solutions but he wont get past the fact that I wont let her stay how ever long he wants."
She described the physical toll the situation has taken on her.
"I get physically sick from anxiety of her being here 24/7. I cant even fully focus on my work. I stayed a night with my parents but that upset him, because he says i need to put a smile on and be with her here, but wont let me have any moment to recharge."
"We have non stop fought over this and other in law issues, that have made me feel invalid and second best to his family. I have feared and still fear that him fighting me so harshly for his family will end our future together."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA, and you have a husband issue, not a MIL issue. If you can't work out some reasonable solution here, it's time to consider cutting your losses and leaving, especially before you have children."
"Your husband has showed you that you are 2nd to his mom, and that you are likely to continue to be so. When you have children, then he's going to want her living with you 'to help out.' "
"Of course, that really means that she is going to be in charge. You are merely the help that does the chores as assigned and pops out children; you won't have much actual input into the care and raising of those children after they are born, because of course MOM IS IN CHARGE."
"You need to do two things:"
"Go see a divorce lawyer. Even if you aren't ready to pull that trigger yet, you need advice as to the options available to you and likely outcomes; and"
"Go back to your parents for a few nights. Let him be upset, maybe that will get his attention."
"This is a hill to die on. If this can't be resolved (and mom moves OUT and doesn't come back to visit until you have an agreement as to when and the parameters of the visit AND she has a return ticket) your relationship is either over or you are destined to be 2nd for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?" – Tarik861
"NTA"
"when your husband is out, change the offices : his in the guest room with his mother, and yours in his. That way, you can work in peace. If he is not ok when he comes back, remind him she is HIS mother and that HE needs to spend time with her, not you."
"He goes to the gym : bring his mother there. She'll 'support' him at the gym. He needs to spend time with his mother."
"If he complains, ask him when 'mummy' goes back home. HER home. Because you need YOUR space."
"stop talking to MIL. If she asks for something, tell her where things are. Or call her son at work / gym and tell him his mother has something to ask him."
"If he complains. Take your bag, go back to your parents home. Involved them if necessary to talk to your husband."
"IF he still asks you to take care of his mother, talk to a lawyer."
"Your MIL is a little problem : she should feel she is too much in your marriage. But your husband is a baby boy who can't take responsabilities with his mother. The proof : he escapes as much as he can to avoid spending time with her ! If he was so happy to have his mother, he would stop gym to be with her."
"Your buggest problem is him. You have to confront him and soon."
"Good luck." – Lyzab77
"My petty @ss would also drop MIL at the gym and tell her that her son wants his mom to hang with him then leave. Every. Single. Day. Then enjoy a couple hours alone at home."
"Or get a hotel on the weekends to get away or move in with your parents and get a divorce if he can't end this craziness. Trust me do it before kids come along." – Wine-n-cheez-plz
"NTA. This is literally inferring with not only your job but your health as well. Healing happens slower in stressful conditions."
"I have offered maybe she gets a hotel, maybe she stays with us a week then stays with his sister a week and so on."
"Maybe, just maybe...you should go to a nice hotel or AirBnB so you can have some space and get some much needed rest. Kinda force your husband to manage his mother...see if he still wants her around 24/7 when he also needs to be with her 24/7."
"If he's covertly trying to move her in to make you her caretaker, removing yourself for a bit might open his eyes as to how much of a problem this will create for him." – IamIrene
"NTA, sounds like he wants her to move in with you permanently. You really need to have a clear conversation with him about this and your expectations within this relationship. Tell him again that you are okay with her visiting, but this extended stay is wearing on you mentally and affecting your work."
"Remind him that you work from home and you cannot be a host 24-7 to his Mom while he leaves the home for work and his activities. He needs to communicate with you better and you with him." – OGRealityCheck
"NTA. Run. He doesn't want a wife, he wants someone to keep his mommy happy. If you're cool with doing that for the rest of her life, carry on. But if not, this relationship is cooked. You're young, get out now, get a fresh start, and don't ignore red flags next time." – Dinosnuggler
Overall, Redditors saw red flags and thought it best for the OP to be prepared in case the situation doesn't improve and her husband shows no willingness to address her concerns and come up with a solution together.
Hopefully, they'll be able to reach some sort of compromise if staying in the marriage is of mutual interest.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp