Stepfamilies can be difficult to manage.
Everyone may get along fine for the most part, but then major life events may happen, and the calm gets upended.
Navigating everyone’s feelings in these situations can feel impossible.
So how does one make the impossible…
Possible?
Redditor Agent_Bubbles7 wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my wife’s stepdad our newborn son isn’t calling him ‘father’?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (27 M[ale]) wife’s (27 F[emale]) father passed away when she was 9 and her mom remarried to her stepdad when she was 15.”
“My wife and her stepdad have always butted heads because he oversteps and has tried to force himself as a father figure in her life.”
“When my wife’s mom married him, they both made it very clear that he was never going to be her dad, and he basically had no control over her, and he has reluctantly accepted that over the years.”
“Fast forward to today, my wife gave birth to our son a week ago, he is the first grandbaby on both sides so all the grandparents are trying to figure out what they want to be called.”
“My wife’s stepdad’s name is David and wants our son to call him ‘Avi’ which means father in Hebrew.”
“My wife and I are uncomfortable with our son calling him this so we asked him if there was another name he could go by and he made a fuss that he intentionally didn’t want to be called grandpa because my wife has made a point in the past that his actual grandpa is no longer with us.”
“But now he’s complaining that we aren’t going to be happy with any name he wants to go by.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling him my son isn’t calling him father?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“NTA, for sure.”
“Why the Hebrew word for father?”
“Is he Jewish?”
“Saba and Zayde are right there.”
“How strange.” ~ deepspacenineoneone
“NTA. He shouldn’t be called Avi no matter what, because he isn’t the father. You are.”
“It doesn’t sound like Grandpa would be appropriate, either, even if he wanted it.”
“Your wife doesn’t see him as a father.”
“Tell him that unless he stops being obstinate and picks a different name you all agree on, the baby is going to be calling him David.” ~ Donutsmell
“NTA, he wants his Step-Grandson to call him Father!?”
“How is that not weird!?”
“Sounds like he wants a redo and is trying to project that onto your son.”
“Tell him your baby can call him David.”
“I called my stepdad’s father, ‘Jim.'”
“It’s perfectly fine, and tbh Jim was the only person in that family I actually liked.”
“We even lived with him and his wife for years cause my stepdad was kinda a loser hahaha.” ~ Due-Commission2099
“Well, the stepfather wants him to call him Avi because it’s the middle 3 letters of his name, ‘David.'”
“OP said the stepfather is not Jewish so it’s not clear if he even knew Avi meant my father in Hebrew.”
“If he didn’t, then OP is TA.” ~ Express_Excuse_4267
“Per OP in a comment: ‘None of us are Jewish, he chose Avi because it’s the three middle letters to his name David.'”
“This seems like relevant information that you left out of your post.”
“And it makes the stepdad’s request seem a lot more reasonable, especially given that anything like grandfather is off the table.”
“Do you speak Hebrew?”
“Are you going to teach your son Hebrew?”
“Are you going to search for every suggestion that stepdad comes up with to make sure that it doesn’t mean something in a foreign language?”
“NAH, but I think you’re making too big of a deal over this.” ~ WoollyMonster
“NAH. Listen, the more people who love your kid the better.”
“Let him choose some sort of grandparent name.”
“You can veto one choice, but don’t veto them all.”
“Don’t make the kid call him David.”
“Show him a bit of grace and it will come back to you in spades.”
“I promise.” ~ TresWhat
“NTA but now that you are parents and you’re gonna raise a kid, I kinda hope that you come to appreciate all the things your Not-father stepfather did as he was consistently told he wasn’t a parent.”
“How he stood up and did all the millions of things a parent has to do but never got any recognition for.”
“He has no right to claim a name, but for Christ’s sake, it sounds like the man just wants a little love and he’s got a love of love to give that kid, love your wife rejected.”
“He’s not asking for anything more.” ~ Environmental-End724
“NTA. Him being called Father is totally inappropriate.”
“However, if he wants to be a grandpa to the child, I don’t see a problem with that.”
“Children only have one dad, but they can never have too many grandparents.”
“My sister will likely never be a grandma and asked me if it would be okay if my kids called her Grandma (Name).”
“I absolutely have no problem with this–another person to love and care for my grandkids is wonderful–and my daughter agrees, so her kids have an extra grandma.” ~ The_bookworm65
“NTA for what you are asking… but will say that he IS part of the family and even though the circumstances of being a stepdad are not being agreed on, does that mean he won’t be a grandfather or something close to it that he may have earned for being there as well?”
“Just being devil’s advocate here.”
“I have 5 kids, 3 are mine biologically, and 2 are stepkids, and I love them all.”
“I don’t enforce anything on them other than what my wife agrees for her children, and I raise mine as I would normally.”
“So, in the interest of defending the stepdad a bit… it’s not the easiest job in the world, and sometimes a little recognition wouldn’t hurt to show that.”
“My own personal opinion.” ~ briggamortis88
“NTA. I’m not Jewish but I have friends who call their grandpa Zayde (the grandma word Bubbie is also really cute) I bet there are more to choose from too.”
“I see 0 reason why stepdad would insist on being called Avi, and I don’t think it’s culturally insensitive either, given that there are also Hebrew words for grandpa!!”
“He is being WEIRD.” ~ Financial-Highway492
“NTA but also he’s kind of right.”
“Y’all don’t want his as grandpa anything and the alternative he gave doesn’t work either.”
“So pick what you want him called yourselves and don’t give him the option.”
“There’s an obvious thorn in everyone’s side about stepdad so call him step-grandpa and throw your hands up.”
“Or you could just be nice, let him have a grandchild, and let the kid call him whatever comes out of the kid’s mouth eventually.”
“It could be hotdog and it might stick forever.” ~ WtfChuck6999
“Since you’re not Jewish, I don’t think it’s a problem.”
“NTA, but also I don’t think it’s something I would make an issue out of.”
“It sounds like he’s just somebody who really annoys the f*ck out of you and everything he asks of you is gonna be viewed with suspicion… lol.” ~ babyjo1982
“NTA. However, why not let the child decide what to call him?”
“He could decide that he, his step-grandad is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and they could have a deep and abiding relationship.”
“Or not.”
“I have read so many posts on Reddit of parents agonizing over what their children should call their grandparents.”
“Call them grandma and Grandpa to the children when they’re little and when they get old enough, trust me, they’ll figure out what to call them.” ~ oylaura
A few people had a different opinion…
“YTA… if David will be treating the baby as a grandchild.”
“He will be the only grandfather he knows.”
“Your wife doesn’t have to call him Dad, but the baby will be forming a bond with him in the grandpa role and will be the only grandpa he has a connection to on that side.”
“My Dad’s Dad died when he was young and my grandma remarried my grandpa when my dad was young.”
“I knew of the existence of my dad’s biological dad and that he died, but because I never met him I had no emotional ties and my grandpa was exactly that, my grandpa, he was the one going to school activities, and parties and always having a glazed donut on the kitchen table for me every morning I stayed over.”
“A child is not a pawn in a pissing match.”
“don’t make it awkward for your child by placing them in the middle of it.”
“If David will be an active participant, let him be grandpa David or some grandpa variant.”
“Let your child have the joys of having both sets of grandparents.” ~ taraiskiller
“YTA. David has been in your wife’s life longer than her father was.”
“Her stepdad is trying to have a relationship with her, and it sounds like he married into a family where he was made to feel unwanted.”
“First of all, Avi doesn’t mean father in Hebrew.”
“Even if it did, the name Sara means princess.”
“Are all people named Sara going around thinking they are princesses? No.”
“I think he’s absolutely right that you’re not going to like any name that he goes by.”
“Let the poor man go by Grandpa David and start treating him like a part of the family.” ~ Marple1102
“YTA. The guy married into a family and was told he had no chance to act as a father figure (sucks as you marry someone with kids).”
“Now he has the chance to at least act like a grandpa, and you are pushing him away.”
“Sounds like you are trying to gatekeep him from fully being part of your family.”
“He could have had better and you all (mom, wife, you) are a**holes.” ~ _Feynman_
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
This is an awkward situation.
In the end… your kid, your rules.
David can figure something else out.
Perhaps waiting until the child is old enough to decide.