Stepfamilies can be difficult to manage.
Everyone may get along fine for the most part, but then major life events may happen, and the calm gets upended.
Navigating everyone's feelings in these situations can feel impossible.
So how does one make the impossible...
Possible?
Redditor Agent_Bubbles7 wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my wife's stepdad our newborn son isn't calling him 'father'?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (27 M[ale]) wife's (27 F[emale]) father passed away when she was 9 and her mom remarried to her stepdad when she was 15."
"My wife and her stepdad have always butted heads because he oversteps and has tried to force himself as a father figure in her life."
"When my wife's mom married him, they both made it very clear that he was never going to be her dad, and he basically had no control over her, and he has reluctantly accepted that over the years."
"Fast forward to today, my wife gave birth to our son a week ago, he is the first grandbaby on both sides so all the grandparents are trying to figure out what they want to be called."
"My wife's stepdad's name is David, and he wants our son to call him 'Avi,' which means father in Hebrew."
"My wife and I are uncomfortable with our son calling him this so we asked him if there was another name he could go by and he made a fuss that he intentionally didn't want to be called grandpa because my wife has made a point in the past that his actual grandpa is no longer with us."
"But now he's complaining that we aren't going to be happy with any name he wants to go by."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for telling him my son isn't calling him father?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA, for sure."
"Why the Hebrew word for father?"
"Is he Jewish?"
"Saba and Zayde are right there."
"How strange." ~ deepspacenineoneone
"NTA. He shouldn't be called Avi no matter what, because he isn't the father. You are."
"It doesn't sound like Grandpa would be appropriate, either, even if he wanted it."
"Your wife doesn't see him as a father."
"Tell him that unless he stops being obstinate and picks a different name you all agree on, the baby is going to be calling him David." ~ Donutsmell
"NTA, he wants his Step-Grandson to call him Father!?"
"How is that not weird!?"
"Sounds like he wants a redo and is trying to project that onto your son."
"Tell him your baby can call him David."
"I called my stepdad's father, 'Jim.'"
"It's perfectly fine, and tbh Jim was the only person in that family I actually liked."
"We even lived with him and his wife for years cause my stepdad was kinda a loser hahaha." ~ Due-Commission2099
"Well, the stepfather wants him to call him Avi because it's the middle 3 letters of his name, 'David.'"
"OP said the stepfather is not Jewish, so it's not clear if he even knew Avi meant my father in Hebrew."
"If he didn't, then OP is TA." ~ Express_Excuse_4267
"Per OP in a comment: 'None of us are Jewish, he chose Avi because it's the three middle letters to his name David.'"
"This seems like relevant information that you left out of your post."
"And it makes the stepdad's request seem a lot more reasonable, especially given that anything like a grandfather is off the table."
"Do you speak Hebrew?"
"Are you going to teach your son Hebrew?"
"Are you going to search for every suggestion that stepdad comes up with to make sure that it doesn't mean something in a foreign language?"
"NAH, but I think you're making too big of a deal over this." ~ WoollyMonster
"NAH. Listen, the more people who love your kid, the better."
"Let him choose some sort of grandparent name."
"You can veto one choice, but don't veto them all."
"Don't make the kid call him David."
"Show him a bit of grace and it will come back to you in spades."
"I promise." ~ TresWhat
"NTA but now that you are parents and you're gonna raise a kid, I kinda hope that you come to appreciate all the things your Not-father stepfather did as he was consistently told he wasn't a parent."
"How he stood up and did all the millions of things a parent has to do but never got any recognition for."
"He has no right to claim a name, but for Christ's sake, it sounds like the man just wants a little love, and he's got a love of love to give that kid, love your wife rejected."
"He's not asking for anything more." ~ Environmental-End724
"NTA. Him being called Father is totally inappropriate."
"However, if he wants to be a grandpa to the child, I don't see a problem with that."
"Children only have one dad, but they can never have too many grandparents."
"My sister will likely never be a grandma and asked me if it would be okay if my kids called her Grandma (Name)."
"I absolutely have no problem with this--another person to love and care for my grandkids is wonderful--and my daughter agrees, so her kids have an extra grandma." ~ The_bookworm65
"NTA for what you are asking... but will say that he IS part of the family and even though the circumstances of being a stepdad are not being agreed on, does that mean he won't be a grandfather or something close to it that he may have earned for being there as well?"
"Just being devil's advocate here."
"I have 5 kids, 3 are mine biologically, and 2 are stepkids, and I love them all."
"I don't enforce anything on them other than what my wife agrees to for her children, and I raise mine as I would normally."
"So, in the interest of defending the stepdad a bit... It's not the easiest job in the world, and sometimes a little recognition wouldn't hurt to show that."
"My own personal opinion." ~ briggamortis88
"NTA. I'm not Jewish, but I have friends who call their grandpa Zayde (the grandma word Bubbie is also really cute). I bet there are more to choose from, too."
"I see 0 reason why stepdad would insist on being called Avi, and I don't think it's culturally insensitive either, given that there are also Hebrew words for grandpa!!"
"He is being WEIRD." ~ Financial-Highway492
"NTA, but also he's kind of right."
"Y'all don't want him as grandpa anything, and the alternative he gave doesn't work either."
"So pick what you want him to be called yourselves and don't give him the option."
"There's an obvious thorn in everyone's side about stepdad, so call him step-grandpa and throw your hands up."
"Or you could just be nice, let him have a grandchild, and let the kid call him whatever comes out of the kid's mouth eventually."
"It could be a hot dog, and it might stick forever." ~ WtfChuck6999
"Since you're not Jewish, I don't think it's a problem."
"NTA, but also I don't think it's something I would make an issue out of."
"It sounds like he's just somebody who really annoys the f*ck out of you and everything he asks of you is gonna be viewed with suspicion... lol." ~ babyjo1982
"NTA. However, why not let the child decide what to call him?"
"He could decide that he, his step-grandad, is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and they could have a deep and abiding relationship."
"Or not."
"I have read so many posts on Reddit of parents agonizing over what their children should call their grandparents."
"Call them grandma and Grandpa to the children when they're little and when they get old enough, trust me, they'll figure out what to call them." ~ oylaura
A few people had a different opinion...
"YTA... if David will be treating the baby as a grandchild."
"He will be the only grandfather he knows."
"Your wife doesn't have to call him Dad, but the baby will be forming a bond with him in the grandpa role and will be the only grandpa he has a connection to on that side."
"My Dad's Dad died when he was young, and my grandma remarried my grandpa when my dad was young."
"I knew of the existence of my dad's biological dad and that he died, but because I never met him I had no emotional ties and my grandpa was exactly that, my grandpa, he was the one going to school activities, and parties and always having a glazed donut on the kitchen table for me every morning I stayed over."
"A child is not a pawn in a pissing match."
"Don't make it awkward for your child by placing them in the middle of it."
"If David will be an active participant, let him be grandpa David or some grandpa variant."
"Let your child have the joys of having both sets of grandparents." ~ taraiskiller
"YTA. David has been in your wife's life longer than her father was."
"Her stepdad is trying to have a relationship with her, and it sounds like he married into a family where he was made to feel unwanted."
"First of all, Avi doesn't mean father in Hebrew."
"Even if it did, the name Sara means princess."
"Are all people named Sara going around thinking they are princesses? No."
"I think he's absolutely right that you're not going to like any name that he goes by."
"Let the poor man go by, Grandpa David, and start treating him like a part of the family." ~ Marple1102
"YTA. The guy married into a family and was told he had no chance to act as a father figure (sucks as you marry someone with kids)."
"Now he has the chance to at least act like a grandpa, and you are pushing him away."
"Sounds like you are trying to gatekeep him from fully being part of your family."
"He could have had better, and you all (mom, wife, you) are a**holes." ~ _Feynman_
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
This is an awkward situation.
In the end... your kid, your rules.
David can figure something else out.
Perhaps waiting until the child is old enough to decide.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp