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Woman Balks When Mom Begs To Move In After Husband Passes So She Won’t Have To Get Job

Older woman with moving boxes
RyanJLane/Getty Images

We’ve all known one of those people who believe they can treat other people however they wish without receiving any consequences.

But we’ve also all heard the old saying that goes, ‘Treat others how you would like to be treated,’ the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit pointed out.

Redditor DifferenceUnique3618 looked on as her neglectful and distant mother tried to move in with various members of the family after her late husband passed away so that she wouldn’t have to get a job or pay rent herself.

When her mother attempted to move in with her, the Original Poster (OP) refused and reminded her of how she had been kicked out at the age of 18, forcing her to get a job to survive.

She asked the sub:

“AITA for telling my mom to get a job just like everyone else?”

The OP’s mother was insistent about being a stay-at-home wife and mom.

“My (34 Female) mother (59 Female) has not worked for the last approximately 30 years.”

“When we were little, my dad worked, and she was a SAHM (Stay-at-home mom).”

“She refused to work even when we were older. I remember my parents fighting about it.”

“After their divorce, my mom remarried almost instantly and relied on her (much older) husband, who died last year. He left everything for his adult kids and almost nothing for her.”

After her husband’s death, she first moved in with the OP’s brother and sister-in-law (SIL).

“After the death of her second husband, my mom moved in with my brother and his wife.”

“She was supposed to look after their kids while they worked.”

“This didn’t work out, and they are kicking her out, which is totally my mom’s fault. I told her multiple times this would happen if she continued to act like she did.”

“She was extremely mean to my SIL, tried to run their household, acted like the queen, and refused to watch the kids full time, which was their original agreement. She only watched them for half the day twice a week, and when she did watch them, she neglected them.”

“A common occurrence was her not changing a poopy diaper for god knows how long because she was hoping my SIL would be back soon and do it, which resulted in the baby getting a very nasty rash, etc.”

The OP’s mother hoped her next home would be the OP’s.

“Now she wants to move in with me. She’s claiming she’d help with the kid (I have a two-year-old).”

“I told her no. I said, ‘I saw what happened to my brother and my SIL, you caused major issues in their marriage, and I will not risk it. After all, you always told us adult children should never live with their parents’ (yes, we were both kicked out at 18 right after we finished school).”

“She started crying and saying she didn’t have anywhere to go (she has until the end of the month to leave my brother’s house).”

“I told her neither did I when she kicked me out at 18, and I went to live on my friend’s couch, but I worked and eventually rented a room, so I guess that’s what she should do. That’s what everyone else does.”

“She asked me to pay her rent at least until she gets back on her feet.”

“I said, ‘No, you’re a healthy working-age person, you should not be freeloading’ (that’s exactly what she told me when I was 18).”

“We had a very big fight, but I refused to let her move in or give her money. I’m sure she should still have some from her inheritance, and I know for a fact my brother gave her money, so I didn’t feel guilty at all.”

The family tried to guilt the OP but also did not take her mother in themselves.

“Now, multiple relatives are texting me, basically saying that my SIL and I are horrible people.”

“Mom’s dead husband’s son called to scold me, telling me my mom is my responsibility and not theirs so I should do what’s right.”

“I do not feel guilty, but perhaps that’s what makes me the AH? Am I?”

“I don’t feel bad about people claiming I’m a bad daughter, mainly because my mother was never a model mom herself. She never put her kids first and was generally disinterested in us unless she needed something. I mean, if she were nice, I’d be happy to have her near.”


Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that her mother put herself in this position, not the OP.

“There are very few jobs available for 18-year-old kids with no work experience and a high school education, too. She gave no thought to that when she kicked these kids out. She can do many things- maybe physically not everything an 18 yr old can do. But she can check people out at a grocery store, or similar.”

“And I want to be clear: this is THIS situation. This 59-year-old CHOSE to never work, she had plenty of years to gain experience and skills to do so, one after she booted her 18-year-olds onto the street.”

“This 59-year-old CHOSE to boot 18-year-olds onto the street, and told them they could never come home, so figure it out.”

“This 59-year-old HAD a job: child care, and with that came full room and board, and likely some money (since the OP’s brother has given her money). She refused to do it and instead wanted to act like the head of the household.”

“Her choices led her here. She has to figure it out. It is no one else’s problem.”

“I want to be very clear: I would NEVER say this in unknown circumstances. Life is full of crazy, and no matter how hard you work and try it does not, in fact, always work out.”

“If you are a human being participating in your own rescue, and you did what was possible to help them in life, and your adult kid acts like the OP? Then I would say that is unacceptable. But that does not describe OP’s mother.” – scarybottom

“I have zero interest in children but I have begrudgingly agreed to watch friends/family members diaper-aged children and change their diapers with basically no experience. I probably f**ked it up but I didn’t let them sit in their own offal because I couldn’t be a**ed to do it.” – DarkOblation14

“One of the worst diaper changes I ever had to do was while watching a friend’s child. They had a massive blowout, and the smell was horrific. She was literally minutes away from picking him up. In fact, she arrived after I got him cleaned up but before I’d finished getting the new diaper on.”

“I really didn’t want to do that when I knew I was minutes away from it not being my problem. But that’s pretty f**ked up so I did what needed to be done.”

“The OP’s mother can figure it out, and then there’s a ripe diaper waiting for her to sit in you-know-where.” – SteelGemini

“NTA. Your mom gave you a hard time when you were 18, OP. But she certainly ‘can’t take what she dished out’ now that she’s in that position!”

“You don’t owe here anything! Tell your judgmental relatives to let her move in with them if they’re so concerned about her. She can freeload off them for a while. Who knows? They might better understand the reasoning behind your decision.” – No-Alarm-2208

Others agreed and said the concerned family members could help the mother instead.

“When a relative calls berating you for not housing your mother, your only response should be, ‘I’m so glad you called and that you’re so concerned. I’ll let Mom know you’ve offered her lodging. Please reach out to her directly to make arrangements.'”

“NTA.” – Beck2010

“OP, you’re good. Nothing more needs to be said. Just pass her off to the relatives who are so concerned and so involved.” – BigNathaniel69

“Tell your concerned relatives you will arrange for your mom to be dropped off at their house in two days. That should give them time to get her room ready.” – Aletak

“NTA. Your mother should learn the consequences of her actions and of her lack of actions. You had to learn at 18; she finally has to learn at 59.”

“Ask the meddling relatives if they spoke to your mother on your behalf when she kicked you out at 18.” – Jocelyn-1973

“As much as I’d love to imagine the OP gracefully passing her mother off to her relatives, I think sadly these people don’t even realize their own hypocrisy. They’ll just become angry and tell OP that of course she is the one responsible for putting up her mom, not them.”

“I’d suggest either not engaging at all and quietly cutting most contact with everyone who’s on the OP’s back about this, or telling them that she will just apply her mother’s own logic: parents and adult kids should not live together, a mother/daughter having no money and no home is not the concern of the other party, and a healthy working age adult should not be freeloading.” – Ploppeldiplopp

The subReddit could not stop shaking their heads at the OP’s mother’s demands and the hypocrisy of the rest of the family for demanding that the OP provide for her.

It seemed clear that another family member needed to step up, or the mother finally needed to learn what most of us had to learn when we were 17 or 18.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.