Respecting one's elders is something everyone is taught from birth.
In some cultures, elders rule the roost.
What they say goes, no exceptions.
This version of respect can clash with family outsiders.
Everyone has their boundaries on issues like this and differing opinions can stir up trouble.
Redditor Royal-Combination-62 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for being culturally insensitive about butter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I was at my B[oy]F[riend]'s family home."
"I'm a nurse."
"My son burnt himself on the grill by smacking his forehead into while playing."
"He had a little burn."
"I went to the bathroom to clean it up and put some cold water on it."
"My boyfriend's great-grandmother was there."
"There might be some cultural differences between us."
"They are Latina, and she insists on putting butter on my kid's burn."
"I said no and then my BF's mom came to talk to me saying I should just do this because it's disrespectful to his great-grandmother not to take her advice she's almost 100."
"I told his mother it's disrespectful of them not to listen to me about treating my own child and I'm a nurse so I'm not putting butter on a small burn."
"The women in his family tried to bully me again about the butter and I'm finally got mad and said butter is for cooking."
"Why would I want it on the burn?"
"I saw his mom try to put it on my kid and I said no f**king butter."
"I took my kid and left."
"My boyfriend said I am not to treat his family like that and I should have just let them do it."
"In his culture elders are important."
"I said in my culture my boundaries and health are more important than your grandma's ego."
"We haven't talked since and my friend said I was being insensitive to my boyfriend and his family."
"My boyfriend is not the father of my son."
"I am divorced."
"Texting but his grandma is still visiting and he wanted me to apologize and I said no."
"So probably a 3-year relationship done over f**king butter."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, they need to respect you as a nurse."
"How long since you and your boyfriend talked?"
"Not pulling the Reddit Dump his card, but you two need to look at cultural differences to see if this will work." ~ ReallyCantThinkof-1
"Elders can be important, but it doesn't mean they are always right. NTA." ~ Antique_Wafer8605
"The relationship is not over because of butter."
"Over ego and gaslighting and guilt trips from people who can't even spend two seconds to google something and would rather actively damage a child instead."
"This is not a family you should enter."
"And if the boyfriend is supporting them and not you (and your KID don't forget), then you don't need the boyfriend either, and he's dangerous to have around your kid."
"Literally, his first concern should be the truth about what is best for the kid, which is literally a two-second Google away."
"His second concern should be to respect your boundaries."
"Even if they were right, it's your kid, not theirs, and they crossed the line in trying to tell you how to parent.'
"Third concern should be to respect your trained knowledge."
"Only after those things should he be worried about how his family is going to feel over not getting their way and being 'respected.'"
"Respect is a two-way street."
"They weren't showing any, they don't get any."
"Boyfriend learns or goes."
"Take your pick." ~ Thortok2000
"It's good that you learned this at BUTTER."
"Boyfriend becoming husband would put his matriarchal family (mother, grandmother, maybe aunts) over your expectations as a MOTHER to raise your child."
"It would have been a constant battle that it is good to discuss and resolve now."
"For example, it would have to be his mother in your birthing room for your next child, his mother's rules on raising your next kid, his mother's expectations for taking care of her son/husband (cooking, cleaning, etc)."
"Dating is when you find that out."
"Hopefully, he can come around to understand that he has to choose you 3 as a family unit or else it's never going to work." ~ Hot-Adhesiveness-438
"NTA."
"So probably a 3-year relationship done over f**king butter."
"It's not over butter, it's over your child's safety."
"You really need to re-evaluate your relationship."
"In the future what if your kid goes to your boyfriend's house without you and something happens can you be sure that your kid will get proper care with him and his parents?"
"Your boyfriend can literally endanger your kid's life."
"I would suggest to be done with him and his family." ~ Dr_____strange
"NTA... because... 1/ You are his mom, you have the final say in how he is treated..."
"2/ You are a nurse or medical professional and you know better ways to treat such wounds (and to avoid risks like infection)..."
"3/ Butter-on-a-burn is an old 'traditional' thing to do but there is no observed benefit (medically, scientifically, there are studies)."
"And in fact, it can make things worse if the skin hasn't been cooled enough after the actually burn - by putting cold water on it, as you did."
"Now the woman was almost 100 so it is easy to see how she would not accept these arguments or has the role of her family old-wise-matriarch."
"I don't think she is an a**hole here either, that's how old folks are."
"But your boyfriend's mother scolding you like this is entirely a**hole behavior."
"And if your boyfriend is not on your side in this, you should reconsider where does he draws the line in his family respecting you and you respecting them."
"In my culture elders are important too but they are also wise enough to hear their children say 'Let her be, grandma, you know how young people are, they need to do it their way' and that would have been it." ~ atealein
"NTA. This is about the well-being of your child."
"You do not put butter on burns."
"I was taught this 34 years ago in first aid in basic training."
"You're a nurse."
"You have greater knowledge of these matters than 99% of the population."
"You're not being culturally insensitive, you're being sensible."
"Your boyfriend and your friend are being ar**holes."
"Maybe show them medical websites that advise against putting butter on burns."
"Perhaps ask them if they feel it's fair to endanger your own child to perpetrate a harmful myth?"
"Or just tell them to F off..." ~ dabassmonsta
"NTA. Butter on a burn is an old home remedy that is harmful rather than helpful."
"The grease will cause the burn to retain more heat, which will make the burn worse." ~ ScreamingTaffy
"NTA - culture or not you have to protect your son against bad advice and bad medical treatment."
"My boyfriend said I am not to treat his family like that and I should have just let them do it."
"In his culture elders are important."
'I said in my culture my boundaries and health are more important than your grandma's ego."
"We haven't talked since and my friend said I was being insensitive to my boyfriend and his family"
"You two are due for a serious long talk - I would make this my hill to die on." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA. Wow. Using butter on a burn was debunked when I was a child, but you still see it in shows and movies, so I guess some people didn't get the memo."
"That being said, bullying a mother about her child's welfare is a no-no."
"Bullying a nurse about first aid is just dumb." ~ BeMandalorTomad
"NTA, I'm Latina with an overbearing Latina mother who tries to give my kid homemade concoctions."
"I say no and yeah there's been conflict I still say NO and it's my own mother."
"Honestly, he needs to recognize you are his mother and a nurse and he needs to have your back. Period." ~ Abject-Armadillo-496
"NTA. I have no idea if butter is even remotely helpful in this scenario but it does not matter."
"You are his mother and have the only say in how you treat your son's wound."
"Your boyfriend and his mom were acting completely out of line dismissing your boundaries and trying to undermine your treatment."
"Respecting elders does not mean blind obedience to everything they say."
"You've just been shown the behavior of the family you'll potentially marry into someday and if they treated me like this, I'd be giving the future of this relationship some serious thought." ~ applebum8807
"NTA. A quick Google shows that you should never put butter on a burn, it actually makes things worse."
"So not only is this not 'a matter of preference,', it means that they are actively trying to harm your child because of their own ego."
"This goes beyond a simple boundary issue."
"It means that they don't understand the concept of being wrong and are gaslighting you into feeling guilty for not obeying their self-assumed superiority."
"And they call this 'culture' (It's part of the gaslighting)."
"Can't speak as to the best way to navigate this with diplomacy, I suck at diplomacy."
"But they are wrong and you are right, and if they can't handle that, and you, like me, aren't diplomatic enough to get them to learn to handle that, then you may need a different boyfriend." ~ Thortok2000
"NTA. I am Hispanic."
"It enrages me every time an 'elderly' person tries to force their way and people allow them because they are older else it's disrespectful."
"My grandma loves to gossip, even about her own daughters."
"My mom says 'She's old, she's not doing it intentionally, let her be.'"
"Absolutely not, she's doing it because she can get away with it!"
"I've never tolerated that BS." ~ gracie_jc
"NTA, and if someone is giving you the silent treatment, they are showing you they are still a child."
"I wouldn't waste time on this guy." ~ Start_a_riot271
"NTA. Find a new BF. Or don't. But dump this guy."
"Three years?"
"Unfortunately he only showed these colors now but better now than after 5 years." ~ Longjumping-Lab-1916
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your child, your rules.
Decisions about your kid's health are made by you and not virtual strangers.
This is an unfortunate situation.
It may be time for a serious sit-down with your BF.
Three years is a long time to waste, but better now than something more serious later.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp