Nurse Shamed For Being 'Insensitive' To BF's Grandma By Refusing To Put Butter On Son's Burn

Respecting one's elders is something everyone is taught from birth.

In some cultures, elders rule the roost.

What they say goes, no exceptions.

This version of respect can clash with family outsiders.

Everyone has their boundaries on issues like this and differing opinions can stir up trouble.

Redditor Royal-Combination-62 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.

They asked:

"AITA for being culturally insensitive about butter?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"I was at my B[oy]F[riend]'s family home."

"I'm a nurse."

"My son burnt himself on the grill by smacking his forehead into while playing."

"He had a little burn."

"I went to the bathroom to clean it up and put some cold water on it."

"My boyfriend's great-grandmother was there."

"There might be some cultural differences between us."

"They are Latina, and she insists on putting butter on my kid's burn."

"I said no and then my BF's mom came to talk to me saying I should just do this because it's disrespectful to his great-grandmother not to take her advice she's almost 100."

"I told his mother it's disrespectful of them not to listen to me about treating my own child and I'm a nurse so I'm not putting butter on a small burn."

"The women in his family tried to bully me again about the butter and I'm finally got mad and said butter is for cooking."

"Why would I want it on the burn?"

"I saw his mom try to put it on my kid and I said no f**king butter."

"I took my kid and left."

"My boyfriend said I am not to treat his family like that and I should have just let them do it."

"In his culture elders are important."

"I said in my culture my boundaries and health are more important than your grandma's ego."

"We haven't talked since and my friend said I was being insensitive to my boyfriend and his family."

"My boyfriend is not the father of my son."

"I am divorced."

"Texting but his grandma is still visiting and he wanted me to apologize and I said no."

"So probably a 3-year relationship done over f**king butter."

The OP was left to wonder:

"So, AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA, they need to respect you as a nurse."

"How long since you and your boyfriend talked?"

"Not pulling the Reddit Dump his card, but you two need to look at cultural differences to see if this will work." ~ ReallyCantThinkof-1

"Elders can be important, but it doesn't mean they are always right. NTA." ~ Antique_Wafer8605

"The relationship is not over because of butter."

"Over ego and gaslighting and guilt trips from people who can't even spend two seconds to google something and would rather actively damage a child instead."

"This is not a family you should enter."

"And if the boyfriend is supporting them and not you (and your KID don't forget), then you don't need the boyfriend either, and he's dangerous to have around your kid."

"Literally, his first concern should be the truth about what is best for the kid, which is literally a two-second Google away."

"His second concern should be to respect your boundaries."

"Even if they were right, it's your kid, not theirs, and they crossed the line in trying to tell you how to parent.'

"Third concern should be to respect your trained knowledge."

"Only after those things should he be worried about how his family is going to feel over not getting their way and being 'respected.'"

"Respect is a two-way street."

"They weren't showing any, they don't get any."

"Boyfriend learns or goes."

"Take your pick." ~ Thortok2000

"It's good that you learned this at BUTTER."

"Boyfriend becoming husband would put his matriarchal family (mother, grandmother, maybe aunts) over your expectations as a MOTHER to raise your child."

"It would have been a constant battle that it is good to discuss and resolve now."

"For example, it would have to be his mother in your birthing room for your next child, his mother's rules on raising your next kid, his mother's expectations for taking care of her son/husband (cooking, cleaning, etc)."

"Dating is when you find that out."

"Hopefully, he can come around to understand that he has to choose you 3 as a family unit or else it's never going to work." ~ Hot-Adhesiveness-438

"NTA."

"So probably a 3-year relationship done over f**king butter."

"It's not over butter, it's over your child's safety."

"You really need to re-evaluate your relationship."

"In the future what if your kid goes to your boyfriend's house without you and something happens can you be sure that your kid will get proper care with him and his parents?"

"Your boyfriend can literally endanger your kid's life."

"I would suggest to be done with him and his family." ~ Dr_____strange

"NTA... because... 1/ You are his mom, you have the final say in how he is treated..."

"2/ You are a nurse or medical professional and you know better ways to treat such wounds (and to avoid risks like infection)..." 

"3/ Butter-on-a-burn is an old 'traditional' thing to do but there is no observed benefit (medically, scientifically, there are studies)."

"And in fact, it can make things worse if the skin hasn't been cooled enough after the actually burn - by putting cold water on it, as you did."

"Now the woman was almost 100 so it is easy to see how she would not accept these arguments or has the role of her family old-wise-matriarch."

"I don't think she is an a**hole here either, that's how old folks are."

"But your boyfriend's mother scolding you like this is entirely a**hole behavior."

"And if your boyfriend is not on your side in this, you should reconsider where does he draws the line in his family respecting you and you respecting them."

"In my culture elders are important too but they are also wise enough to hear their children say 'Let her be, grandma, you know how young people are, they need to do it their way' and that would have been it." ~ atealein

"NTA. This is about the well-being of your child."

"You do not put butter on burns."

"I was taught this 34 years ago in first aid in basic training."

"You're a nurse."

"You have greater knowledge of these matters than 99% of the population."

"You're not being culturally insensitive, you're being sensible."

"Your boyfriend and your friend are being ar**holes."

"Maybe show them medical websites that advise against putting butter on burns."

"Perhaps ask them if they feel it's fair to endanger your own child to perpetrate a harmful myth?"

"Or just tell them to F off..." ~ dabassmonsta

"NTA. Butter on a burn is an old home remedy that is harmful rather than helpful."

"The grease will cause the burn to retain more heat, which will make the burn worse." ~ ScreamingTaffy

"NTA - culture or not you have to protect your son against bad advice and bad medical treatment."

"My boyfriend said I am not to treat his family like that and I should have just let them do it."

"In his culture elders are important."

'I said in my culture my boundaries and health are more important than your grandma's ego."

"We haven't talked since and my friend said I was being insensitive to my boyfriend and his family"

"You two are due for a serious long talk - I would make this my hill to die on." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454

"NTA. Wow. Using butter on a burn was debunked when I was a child, but you still see it in shows and movies, so I guess some people didn't get the memo."

"That being said, bullying a mother about her child's welfare is a no-no."

"Bullying a nurse about first aid is just dumb." ~ BeMandalorTomad

"NTA, I'm Latina with an overbearing Latina mother who tries to give my kid homemade concoctions."

"I say no and yeah there's been conflict I still say NO and it's my own mother."

"Honestly, he needs to recognize you are his mother and a nurse and he needs to have your back. Period." ~ Abject-Armadillo-496

"NTA. I have no idea if butter is even remotely helpful in this scenario but it does not matter."

"You are his mother and have the only say in how you treat your son's wound."

"Your boyfriend and his mom were acting completely out of line dismissing your boundaries and trying to undermine your treatment."

"Respecting elders does not mean blind obedience to everything they say."

"You've just been shown the behavior of the family you'll potentially marry into someday and if they treated me like this, I'd be giving the future of this relationship some serious thought." ~ applebum8807

"NTA. A quick Google shows that you should never put butter on a burn, it actually makes things worse."

"So not only is this not 'a matter of preference,', it means that they are actively trying to harm your child because of their own ego."

"This goes beyond a simple boundary issue."

"It means that they don't understand the concept of being wrong and are gaslighting you into feeling guilty for not obeying their self-assumed superiority."

"And they call this 'culture' (It's part of the gaslighting)."

"Can't speak as to the best way to navigate this with diplomacy, I suck at diplomacy."

"But they are wrong and you are right, and if they can't handle that, and you, like me, aren't diplomatic enough to get them to learn to handle that, then you may need a different boyfriend." ~ Thortok2000

"NTA. I am Hispanic."

"It enrages me every time an 'elderly' person tries to force their way and people allow them because they are older else it's disrespectful."

"My grandma loves to gossip, even about her own daughters."

"My mom says 'She's old, she's not doing it intentionally, let her be.'"

"Absolutely not, she's doing it because she can get away with it!"

"I've never tolerated that BS." ~ gracie_jc

"NTA, and if someone is giving you the silent treatment, they are showing you they are still a child."

"I wouldn't waste time on this guy." ~ Start_a_riot271

"NTA. Find a new BF. Or don't. But dump this guy."

"Three years?"

"Unfortunately he only showed these colors now but better now than after 5 years." ~ Longjumping-Lab-1916

Well, OP, Reddit is with you.

Your child, your rules.

Decisions about your kid's health are made by you and not virtual strangers.

This is an unfortunate situation.

It may be time for a serious sit-down with your BF.

Three years is a long time to waste, but better now than something more serious later.

Good luck.