Sharing is an act of generosity.
While we are taught to share our belongings with others as children, that doesn't mean we are obligated to share everything we own.
It is our decision, and if there are some things which are too valuable, or that we simply would rather not lend to others, it is our express right to say no.
The daughter of Redditor OnlyInQuebec9 found herself becoming increasingly frustrated when her twin cousins continued to take things from her bedroom without her permission.
But after they damaged something expensive that she had saved up to buy, the original poster (OP) felt that fairly drastic measures were called for.
Measures which the OP's wife and brother-in-law did not appreciate one bit.
Concerned that they may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my wife the lock on my daughter's door does not get removed til my brother in-law and his daughters are out of our house?"
The OP explained how after opening up their home to their brother-in-law and his daughters, their lack of respect for other people's things resulted in the addition to their daughter's bedroom door.
'My brother-in-law, Sammy, lost his home shortly after his divorce 10 months ago."
"He moved in with us and brought his twin daughters, Olivia & Sloane, 18, with him a couple of months ago."
"His sister, my wife, and I have one daughter, Zoey, 16, and she and her cousins aren't close but get along fine."
"Olivia & Sloane have no respect for Zoey's privacy, none.'
"They used to walk into her room and take everything they get their hands on."
"Makeup, phone accessories, clothes, school laptop etc."
"Zoey complained a lot and I've already asked the girls to respect Zoey's privacy and stop taking things."
"My wife and Sammy saw no issue with this."
"After all, they're girls and this's typical teenage girl's behavior."
"I completely disagreed."
"Last straw was when Zoey bought a 60$ m.a.c makeup-kit that looks like a paint set that she saved up for over a month and one of the girls.'
"Sloane took it without permission and ruined it by mixing shades together while using it."
"Don't know much about makeup but that's what Zoey said when she found the kit on her bed, and was crying."
"I told my wife and she said she'd ask Sloane to apologize but I got Zoey a lock after I found she was moving valuable belongings out of the house because of this incident."
"Sammy and his daughters saw the lock and weren't happy, the girls were extremely upset."
"Sammy asked about it and I straight up told him."
"He said 'my daughters aren't thieves!'"
"'It's normal that girls of the same age borrow each other's stuff.'"
"He said Zoey could easily get another makeup kit for 15 bucks from Walmart and shouldn't even be buying expensive, adult makeup in the first place and suggested my wife take care of this 'defect' in Zoey's personality trying to appear older than she is."
"He accused me of being overprotective and babying Zoey with this level of enablement."
"I told him this's between me and my wife but she shamed me for putting a lock on Zoey's door for her cousins to see and preventing them from 'spending time' with her saying I was supposed to treat them like daughters, then demanded I remove it, but I said this lock does not get removed til her brother and his daughters are out of our house."
"She got mad I was implying we kick them out and said her family'll hate me for this. So I reminded her that I let Sammy and his family move in which's something her OWN family refused to do, so she should start with shaming/blaming them for not taking their own son and nieces/granddaughters in."
"If it wasn't for her family's unwillingness to help we wouldn't be dealing with this much disturbance at home."
"Everyone's been giving me and Zoey the silent treatment and my wife is very much upset over this."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for putting a lock on their daughter's door.
Everyone agreed that the OP's step-brother and cousins were being beyond disrespectful to their daughter's property.
It seemed a lock was the only way for them to stop taking her things without permission.
"NTA."
"This is a recurring theme here on Reddit, people do not consider themselves thieves."
"They seem to be under the wrongful impression that to be a thief you have to wear a mask and carry a crowbar."
"Theft is the taking of another person's property or services without that person's permission or consent with the intent to deprive the rightful owner of it."
"This is literally what they have been doing."
"Taking stuff that wasn't theirs."
"And the rightful owner incurred a loss."
"Sammy, who is your guest, sounds like an AH."
"While this is probably true, it is none of his business."
"And doesn't change a thing."
'If you steal from a store then the store owner could just get more stuff, but nobody should consider that to be an excuse."
"Instead of talking to his kids, he blames the victim."
"'We took her stuff because she shouldn't have said stuff.'"
"'It would be better if my kids had her stuff!'"
"Ugh!"
"Not only does Sammy refuse to teach his kids not to take other people's things, but he also considers you to be a bad parent."
"Even if you were incorrect in how you raise your kid, even if it would be better if your daughter shared her make-up, he is in no position to demand it, and his daughters, who are guests in your house, should follow reasonable 'house rules'.'
"Your wife is choosing her brother over her daughter, and you, and hasn't thought things through."
"What if they next go through her things?"
"What if Sammy next goes through her underwear?!?"
"Where does it end?"
"Expecting people not to go through other people's stuff is perfectly reasonable."
"Sammy is an entitled a**."- QWxleA
"NTA."
"Your daughter doesn’t feel like she has any privacy or respect in her own home and you gave her a lock to give her back her privacy."
"You tried talking to your wife, your BiL, and your nieces and that got you nowhere if your daughter has to accept 3 additional adults living in her home, they need to accept her very reasonable boundaries of not taking and ruining her things.'
"Good for you showing your daughter you respect and support her."- amyhenderson_
"NTA."
"Don't back down."
"You are the only one sticking up for Zoey."
"If her cousins want to use expensive makeup, give them your wife's."
"I guarantee she won't appreciate sharing anymore."
"They need to start behaving like appreciative guests."- riblz11
"NTA."
"Good on you for standing up for your daughter, your wife, BIL, and his daughters are TA."
"Your wife’s argument that this is preventing them from 'spending time' with her is completely invalid."
"They go into her room when she isn’t there and take her stuff."
"Besides, they can 'spend time' together in the living room or wherever else."
"Your BIL is ignorant, MAC vs Walmart has no comparison."
"Calling your daughter a 'defect' is rich from a man whose adult daughters steal from a child."
"Perhaps he should fix this 'defect' in their personalities."
"Stand your ground, this means so much to your daughter, you cannot fathom."
"Wife needs to stop enabling BIL/cousins bad behavior, she’s essentially picking them over her own husband and daughter, but I’m certain she doesn’t see that."- silfy_star
"I think you need to think ahead with this situation."
"You are your daughter are already uncomfortable in your own home."
"Your wife is upset."
"You need to do what is right for your immediate family before it puts even more strain on your relationship."
"I think you need to get them to leave before it gets worse."
"It doesn't take much imagination to see how it could."
"How uncomfortable do you have to be in your own home before something snaps?"
"This is not a tenable situation."
"You have a right to feel safe /comfortable in your own home and anyone that militates against that is playing a dangerous game."- Stoat__King
"NTA."
"Normal behavior is asking to borrow stuff and respecting a person's decision if they say no."
"You don't walk into other people's rooms without permission."
"'Borrowing' without asking is stealing."
"And good on you for standing by your daughter."
"She needs her privacy and also needs a sense of ownership, her belongings are hers and those girls don't respect that."- MillieHillie
It's fairly surprising indeed, the OP's brother-in-law didn't seem to see anything wrong with his daughters' behavior.
Particularly after the OP and his family offered to share their home with him, when even his own family refused to.
One can only hope he'll see the error of his and his daughter's ways before it's too late, or else he'll need to find someone else generous enough to offer him a place to live.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp