While having a new baby in the family is a wonderful experience, that is not to say that the pregnancy did not come at a price.
Some pregnancies are incredibly difficult and even dangerous, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Tropical_Brick1843 and their wife decided to stop growing their family after their first baby together because of how severe their wife’s pregnancy became.
But when their mother kept shaming their wife to get pregnant again, the Original Poster (OP) threatened to go no contact with her.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my mother if she doesn’t stop asking for more grandchildren, I’ll cut off her access to my child (her only grandchild)?”
The OP’s wife had an incredibly complicated pregnancy.
“My wife and I have a 10-month-old.”
“We aren’t going to have any more children because my wife’s pregnancy was horrendous, and both she and our child nearly didn’t make it through the birth.”
“My wife had hyperemesis gravidarum (which is nausea and throwing up that is more severe than regular morning sickness).”
“She was so sick, she was losing weight, and she was in the percentage of mothers who has it the entire pregnancy instead of just in the beginning. Hers never got any better.”
“She also had kidney stones during her pregnancy that put her in the A&E.”
“She ended up with preeclampsia and other complications and had to be admitted to the hospital and put on bed rest.”
“She gave birth prematurely and needed an emergency cesarean and hysterectomy.”
The OP’s mother was not understanding of this and wanted more grandchildren.
“It hasn’t been a year yet, but my mother won’t let up about us having more kids.”
“I have a sibling, but they are imprisoned, so I’m her only chance for grandchildren.”
“We haven’t told her about my wife’s hysterectomy.”
“My mother openly compares herself to her sister who has 9 grandchildren and her brother whose 7th was just born.”
During a recent visit, the OP had enough of their mother’s behavior.
“A week ago, I told her to leave because she kept bringing it up during a visit.”
“She outright told my wife the complications were worth the reward of a child and questioned why didn’t my wife think our child was worth it.”
“The questioning was enough.”
The OP set a new boundary the next day to mixed results.
“The next day when I calmed down, I told her if she ever brings up the subject of more kids or questions my wife’s feelings towards our child again, I will cut her off from access permanently.”
“My mother’s husband, and even my dad who is divorced from my mother, both say I was right to tell her to leave, but threatening to cut off her access was a step too far.”
“My mother is also furious at me.”
“I don’t want to cut off her access. It is the last resort but at the time I was angry.”
The OP also clarified why they never told their mother about the hysterectomy in a comment.
“My wife’s concern with telling her about the hysterectomy is that she’ll begin to insinuate I need to leave my wife for another woman, and it would be upsetting to my wife to hear those comments.”
“My wife isn’t even wrong to think so because I can see it, too.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP’s decision to not tell their mother about the hysterectomy.
“Tell her that you had a vasectomy because you’d never risk your wife’s life due to another pregnancy.”
“NTA.” – OwnBrother2559
“I vote for not bringing their physical ability to have more children into the conversation. That is literally none of Mom’s (or anyone’s) business.”
“It should be enough to say, ‘because we decided on no more’ and then enforce it. They do not owe her any explanation at all.” – loridrum
“Telling her you got a vasectomy is actually a pretty clever move. Maybe a ‘permanent vasectomy’ (I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but might shut her up about it being reversible).”
“I don’t normally condone lying, but sometimes it’s necessary.” – theresbeans
“OP, lie about the vasectomy. Safest for your wife’s mental health right now in the very least.”
“My husband did get the snip cos I too got HG sickness and was admitted to hosp numerous times for fluids. I was 47kg after our baby was born. It was my third, it does get worse each pregnancy.” – WilcoWolf
“Tell her you got a vasectomy, that way you get the heat and not your wife. Or you can be honest and say the pregnancy caused my wife to have a lot of health issues and I don’t want to put her thru that again.”
“But DON’T mention the hysterectomy because then your wife will get the heat.” – Zealousideal-Log-152
“Making up a vasectomy would put the ‘blame’ on OP and will probably spare OP’s wife from unnecessary grief.”
“OP’s mom sounds awful, though, I would recommend going LC or NC (low contact or no contact) while they’re working through being new parents. NTA.” – lightofdarkness42
Others thought the mother’s view of pregnancy was terrible.
“Your wife, and the mother of his child. Literally, she thinks the baby was ‘worth’ the pregnancy… but in definition only the first one.”
“After knowing about the complications (if she wouldn’t have had a hysterectomy because MIL doesn’t know that) then any subsequent pregnancy would not be worth it, because it would be a coin toss with both of their lives.”
“And then what? He’s a single grieving father? Maybe with 2 babies, maybe grieving a baby on top of his wife?”
“The fact that she thinks that would be ‘worth it’ is horrendous.” – bayleebugs
“Don’t tell her about the hysterectomy. Your wife is right, and her medical care is none of your mom’s business anyway.”
“Maybe ask your mom why she only stopped at 2 kids? She could also have 9 grandchildren by now if she’d pushed ’em out like a clown car herself.” – LadyMjolnir
“Say, ‘Mom, your behavior is making it really hard to enjoy your company. You need to understand that your constant badgering and your lack of empathy or concern for us is having a negative impact on myself and my wife and we are not liking the person you’re turning into.'”
“And, then ‘Mom, What do you think the natural consequence of us not being able to enjoy our time with you will be? Do you think we will want to seek out time with you?'”
“Talk with your wife about a plan and about consequences. Even if your wife goes No or low contact, and you facilitate the relationship and shut her behavior down.”
“Ultimately you can’t keep expecting your wife to endure that nonsense but you’ll have to make a choice if your mom just can’t control herself.”
“It sucks, but this would be the natural consequence of her choices and her behavior that she made the choice to continue even after you’ve warned her enough times.” – sapphire8
“You said, ‘My wife isn’t even wrong to think so because I can see it.'”
“Honestly, if that’s the case, I don’t understand why you would want anything to do with this woman, mother or not.”
“If this is how low your opinion is of her, and how self-serving you believe her to be, why would you ever let her around your wife or your child?”
“NTA, but think about what you just said… she doesn’t sound like someone who will ever give your family the respect and kindness you deserve.” – fantastic-cabbage
“If your mother is so brazen to say stuff like that to your wife, then maybe YOU need to be better at protecting her. You were right to say you would cut her off but how much has she done to your wife before you got to this point?” – Amateur_Gynecologist
“Oh, she 100% will weaponize that information. We call it ‘babies rabies.’ Your wife is only good for making grandbabies.”
“If she can’t, then she isn’t a woman and now useless to your mom. She absolutely will bully you into divorce or start bringing around women to entice you to leave her.”
“I mean, she won’t even acknowledge your wife and the baby almost didn’t make it. She doesn’t care about your wife’s health.”
“This is not an unreasonable boundary. All she has to do is stop asking. It’s an easy thing to do.”
“If she can’t do that, why would you trust her with a grandchild? Clearly, she has some cognitive issues if she can’t control herself.”
“NTA.” – Murderbunny13
While some people in the OP’s immediate circle thought they were too harsh to threaten their mother with going no contact, the subReddit thought it was potentially past-due.
If the mother could not appreciate the dangers another pregnancy would put her daughter-in-law through for the sake of another grandchild who currently doesn’t exist, she might not be the best person to keep around.