It’s somewhat expected through the course of life that our parents care for us when we are young, but eventually those roles shift, and we care for them as we grow older.
Most of the time, people happily help their aging parents, eager to repay the love and support they were given in their youth.
Others, however, might not feel their parents are worthy of their support, whether due to an unhappy childhood or an unfortunate change in their relationship.
Redditor MBWill8809 and their wife recently purchased their first house.
The house caught the eye of the original poster (OP)’s in-laws, who both expressed their excitement to move in.
A remark that caught the OP more than a little off guard, as they hadn’t made the offer yet, nor was this an offer they were ever going to make.
Something they made abundantly clear to their in-laws.
Wondering if they were being unfair or ungrateful, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITH)
While similar to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for telling my FIL they wont ever be living with us?”
The OP explained why their in-laws moving in with them was never going to be an option:
“Prior to my wife and I trying for our first, we spoke with both sets of parents and asked if they would have any interest in helping with watching their grandkids until preschool starts?”
“Both were over the moon excited, all 4 fully retired, and they all said absolutely!”
“The plan was to trade off weeks so they know their schedule for booking their own appointments, etc.”
“Wife gets pregnant and around 10 weeks post-birth she’s getting ready to transition back to work and her parents said they’ve changed their minds and decided to travel more and want to enjoy their elder years.”
“Ummm, ok.”
“My parents did their absolute best to pick up in-laws slack, but daily childcare was too much with my wife and I working full time so we ended up with my parents watching on Mondays and Wednesdays, paying for child care on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and my wife and I working half days on Fridays to handle that.”
“With my parents taking the Friday whenever we needed them to.”
“They’re incredible!”
“It was very frustrating to have in-laws say one thing and do the opposite.”
“In 6 years, they’ve never once watched any of our kids for a single day.”
“So my wife and I bought a house about a week ago.”
“They’re over checking it out as we’re unboxing, and my father-in-law [FIL] sees this house has a 1st fl Master with full bath.”
“He turns to mother-in-law [MIL] and says ‘oh thank God, we won’t have to do stairs’.”
“I said, ‘come again?'”
“MIL says of my wife and her two siblings, we are doing by far the best, and it would make the most sense for them to live with us, as they’re in their 70s and a house is becoming too much for them already.”
“I audibly laughed hard and loud and said, ‘Hell would freeze before you live here.”
“Which was met by shock from both of them.”
“I explained that when we needed their help, they turned their backs, so we were simply doing the same.”
“My wife agreed.”
“She expressed how expensive and how difficult it was with zero help from one side of our ‘village’.”
“That was their call, but we were now returning the favor.”
“They’re incredibly upset and hurt over this revelation.”
“Were we TA for this stance?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow their in-laws to move in with them.
Not only was everyone in agreement that the OP’s in-laws lost their after they bailed on helping with childcare, but that they also should never have expected that moving in with them was a guarantee to begin with, regardless of the situation:
“NTA.”
“All these folks saying you should not laugh are missing the part where they walked in your house, talked between themselves about the appropriateness of your master bedroom for themselves WITHOUT EVER DISCUSSING IT WITH YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE.”
“The audacity.”
“Any time they try to bring it up again, you just need to say ‘the audacity you two have trying to claim a room in a home you didn’t pay one cent toward and didn’t even have a conversation with us about before we purchased it. The freaking audacity of you two.”
“You both did well calling out these entitled goobers.”- Oldgal_misspt
“‘MIL says of my wife and her two siblings, we are doing by far the best, and it would make the most sense for them to live with us, as they’re in their 70s and a house is becoming too much for them already’.”
“How nice for them that they have the option of shopping around for the wealthiest kid to impose themselves upon!”
“NTA.”- LissaBryan
“NTA.”
“The sheer audacity of not just assuming they could move in, but they get the main bedroom with a full bath.”
“If they can’t/ don’t want to deal with a full house, they can buy a condo or something.”
“There are a lot of 55+ communities popping up everywhere.”- boobookbooze
“The best part is that you and your wife are on the same page.”
“NTA at all!”- Competitive-Bat-43
“My response would have been along the lines of the only reason that you and your wife are doing better than her siblings is because you actually had your family stepping up to make it possible.”
“NTA, this is a hill to die on.”- Alive_Room6023
“NTA and f*ck being ‘nicer’.”
“They don’t owe you help, and you don’t owe them a retirement home.”
“Also a bigger deal than daily childcare is not watching the kids a single time in 6 years?!?!”
“What kind of grandparents aren’t involved at all?”- Barbells-and-Bourbon
“NTA.”
“Their elder years are for traveling and enjoying life!”
“Why would they want to live in a house with kids? You’re simply looking out for them.”
“They can buy a camper and travel the world.”
“The 2nd master is reserved for your parents who have given up so much to help your family and you all look forward to returning their kindness.”- Euphoric_Egg_4198
“NTA.”
“And wow, after blowing you off and being basically completely absent for you, they just presented this to you like a done deal, and expected you to just fall in line.”
“And it’s not just that they’re preparing to move in and make themselves at home, they’re expecting to be deferred to, and decide how the household is going to be run.”
“Not a chance in hell.”- Mira_DFalco
“NTA.”
“They really screwed you over.”
“I mean, no shade for wanting to travel, but they should have been honest.”
“In most areas, you have to get on a waiting list for daycare while you are pregnant to get a spot.”
“It’s unlikely you’re gonna just be able to snap something up last minute, plus there are people you are entrusting your baby to, you need time to do research!”
“They showed they couldn’t be relied upon, so why did they think they could rely on you?”- dragon34
“You are lucky your wife backed you up.”
“Otherwise, you‘d have major battles on your hands.”
“Of course they are upset & hurt.”
“They had plans & you shot them down.”
“So what if they are upset.”
“NTA.”- lapsteelguitar
“NTA.”
“How incredibly entitled to assume they could move in with you, and claim the master bedroom, to boot!”
“Even without the childcare angle, your ILs are the assholes here.”- memimomayhem
“NTA.”
“Even if they had helped with the baby ….. moving in with someone is a discussion, not a given.”- 6Saint6Cyber6
“NTA.”
“Only thing I would have done differently was agreed ‘oh yea the space will be perfect for the two of you’ & once they sold their home and were on the way ‘well you know with the kids getting older, we’ve decided it’s just not gonna work; sorry’.”- touchofdill
“NTA.”
“’Sorry guys, my kids don’t really know you, and they would be uncomfortable with you living here’.”-Delicious-Cut-4323
It seems pretty clear that the OP’s in-laws truly think of no one but themselves.
Further evidenced by the fact that the first thing they thought of when seeing the OP’s new house was how much it would benefit them.
If the fact that their own daughter was firmly behind this plan isn’t the wake-up call they both need, then it’s safe to say neither of them will ever wake up from the dream world they’re both living in.