For most siblings, it's difficult not to compare things.
Are the rules the same for each child? Are gifts of equal value? Does everyone get the same kind of birthday celebration?
A young man who decided things are definitely not equal between himself and his younger sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Alternative-Log-1576 asked:
"AITA for how I reacted when my parents surprised my 16-year-old little sister with a new car for her birthday after she finished her cancer treatment but bought me a $25 gift card and a book for mine which was just two weeks later?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister was diagnosed with with cancer last year. It has been hard on our family and even harder on her."
"I love my sister and I tried to be there for her as best as I could. I also did everything I could to make things easier for my parents."
"I took over all chores, cooked everyday, cleaned the house, did laundry, took care of my younger sibling and babysat them more."
"Luckily she is doing really well and has recently finished her treatment which is great and we are all grateful. Our birthdays are two weeks apart and hers was two weeks ago."
"My parents bought her a new car to celebrate after everything she went through which I understand. She does deserve it, but I was a bit surprised because I thought they didn't have any money."
"I'm 19. For my 16th birthday I got new headphones."
"My dad has been unwilling to help me get a used car since last year telling me that they do not have the money. I didn't even want him to pay for all of it."
"I have been saving up and just wanted them to help me with the rest, but he kept telling me that they have no money for that."
"Well, my birthday just rolled around and my parents bought me a book that I mentioned in passing and a $25 take out gift card to a place I like. I thanked them, but they saw that I wasn't too thrilled and asked me what was wrong."
"I told them that while I appreciate the gifts, I thought that they were finally going to help me with the remaining $800 for buying the used car seeing that they could now afford a new car for my sister."
"But that's when they accused me of being jealous of my sister who had just gone through something very traumatic and that I was trying to make everything about me and why couldn't I just be happy for her."
"They said that at the end of the day I have a job and could just continue saving."
"Am I the a**hole?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I think I could be the a**hole because looking back, I can see how I unintentionally sounded like I was I was making this about me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"OMG, I am so sorry for you. Was everything always about your sister before she became ill too? NTA." ~ Jocelyn-1973
"NTA but the parents certainly are. This was INFURIATING."
"Here's where they become the AHs for me. Instead of explaining any of this to OP, or even addressing his feelings, they attacked him, called him jealous, and accused him of trying to make HIS OWN BIRTHDAY all about himself."
"There's no excuse for that." ~ midnightsunofabitch
"NTA. It's not jealousy to feel undervalued. I understand your sister has been through Hell, but siblings of sick kids always seem to get lost in the panic."
"It's entirely up to you, but if it were possible, I'd really talk to your parents about how this made you feel. You stepped up and took care of the household while never giving up on your sister."
"I think they're probably scared, and I get that the diagnosis changed everyone's lives, but if they continue to paint this picture of you in their heads that you're resentful and jealous, that can so negatively impact your relationship with them in the future." ~ Arakarani
"What I want to know is, if OP took over all the chores, cooked did laundry, babysat younger siblings, etc what EXACTLY did the parents do?"
"Maybe they both work full time, but it's still insane that OP was able to take all of this on for them. Ungrateful parents. NTA." ~ thatliledgyB
"NTA. I can't help but point out that you were trying to get their help buying a used car, and they bought her a new car."
"They probably could have bought you both a used car instead—especially with your contribution, too! I don't understand why they can't see how this would be hurtful." ~ Tall_Confection_960
"NTA, Yes your sister went through a lot, but so did you. I understand that while she was going through treatment, she may have gotten more gifts from friends, family, etc..."
"But when giving gifts to you and your sister for birthdays, Christmas, etc..., their values should be equal."
"This is very easy. I know because I have two daughters, and when my youngest was four, she was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor."
"She went through surgery and treatment, and I never treated her any better than I treated her 7-year-old sister. Yes, she received about 15 stuffed animals from friends and family, and only one of those friends thought to get a stuffed animal for Brenda as well, and an aunt and uncle that bought tablets for both of them."
"When she came to the hospital to visit her sister, I took her down to the gift shop and let her select a stuffed animal. She didn't get 15, but she got two, and she was happy with that."
"But when it came to their birthdays and Christmas, I always tried to make them equal. I love them both very much, and it was hard for both of them."
"I let my oldest know that I appreciated all her help and her patience, and I apologized for spending so much more time with her sister out of town and at the hospital. But that all changed when we came home after the treatment was over."
"Then I spent my time with both of my girls."
"Did your parents favor your sister before the cancer diagnosis?"
"Your parents should be grateful for all the help you gave them while your sister was sick helping around the house. I'm sorry they don't recognize that."
"One day, you will find someone that will recognize you for all you are worth. Hang on to that person, and if your parents don't change, I would distance you from them."
"Keep the people in your life that appreciate you and all that you do." ~ sammac66
"Your parents are harming all of their kids with their behavior, including your sister who had cancer. I'm going to say that again."
"OP's parents are harming all of their children with the special treatment they are giving one of the kids."
"That kid has now learned that she just needs to be sick, and she will get all of the love, attention, and gifts." ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
"NTA, OP. You're not going to always spend the same amount on your kids for everything."
"But buying one a car that presumably cost tens of thousands of dollars—if you're in the US the average price was $47k in March—and the other two gifts that cost about $50 together—and that's assuming it's a hardcover novel—is outrageous." ~ UnalteredCube
"NTA. This would be the end of me helping out. Do your own chores and move on."
It's sad that your sister has to deal with cancer. But the gap between gifts is too much. And if you keep giving, your resentment will keep building." ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
"Yep, I'd be done. They can kick me out if they want to, but then I would tell everyone they know that they did that."
"They are not saintly humans for getting their kid through cancer while ignoring the rest of their kids. They suck. NTA." ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
"Yup, same, I would stop helping out and use the extra time to pick up extra shifts at work to afford the car and to move out."
"And when they ask why OP can't babysit or do extra chores, they can just say they can't because they have a job and need to save money. NTA." ~ AGirlHasNoGame_
"NTA. This is a surefire way for your parents to create a situation where you resent both them and your sibling."
"I understand wanting to do something nice for your sister after what she's been through, but the gifts are really disproportionate, and I'm not sure why they thought that was a good idea."
"Especially if you've been carrying the weight of chores and housework for others while your sister has been sick."
"I think you should work more hours to save up for a car faster. And since you'll be working more, you should stop contributing as much to the household in terms of cooking, cleaning, and childcare." ~ Honest-Sector-4558
"Your parents really said, you are making your own birthday all about you? Ah, yeah, that's the point of birthdays."
"NTA, but I would consider talking to them again if they are normally reasonable people. They might not have realised how it would look to you and be ashamed and embarrassed." ~ Prestigious-Act-4741
It sounds like OP needs to have another conversation with their parents.
Hopefully, it will go better than the first one.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp