For most siblings, it’s difficult not to compare things.
Are the rules the same for each child? Are gifts of equal value? Does everyone get the same kind of birthday celebration?
A young man who decided things are definitely not equal between himself and his younger sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Alternative-Log-1576 asked:
“AITA for how I reacted when my parents surprised my 16-year-old little sister with a new car for her birthday after she finished her cancer treatment but bought me a $25 gift card and a book for mine which was just two weeks later?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister was diagnosed with with cancer last year. It has been hard on our family and even harder on her.”
“I love my sister and I tried to be there for her as best as I could. I also did everything I could to make things easier for my parents.”
“I took over all chores, cooked everyday, cleaned the house, did laundry, took care of my younger sibling and babysat them more.”
“Luckily she is doing really well and has recently finished her treatment which is great and we are all grateful. Our birthdays are two weeks apart and hers was two weeks ago.”
“My parents bought her a new car to celebrate after everything she went through which I understand. She does deserve it, but I was a bit surprised because I thought they didn’t have any money.”
“I’m 19. For my 16th birthday I got new headphones.”
“My dad has been unwilling to help me get a used car since last year telling me that they do not have the money. I didn’t even want him to pay for all of it.”
“I have been saving up and just wanted them to help me with the rest, but he kept telling me that they have no money for that.”
“Well, my birthday just rolled around and my parents bought me a book that I mentioned in passing and a $25 take out gift card to a place I like. I thanked them, but they saw that I wasn’t too thrilled and asked me what was wrong.”
“I told them that while I appreciate the gifts, I thought that they were finally going to help me with the remaining $800 for buying the used car seeing that they could now afford a new car for my sister.”
“But that’s when they accused me of being jealous of my sister who had just gone through something very traumatic and that I was trying to make everything about me and why couldn’t I just be happy for her.”
“They said that at the end of the day I have a job and could just continue saving.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I could be the a**hole because looking back, I can see how I unintentionally sounded like I was I was making this about me.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“OMG, I am so sorry for you. Was everything always about your sister before she became ill too? NTA.” ~ Jocelyn-1973
“NTA but the parents certainly are. This was INFURIATING.”
“Here’s where they become the AHs for me. Instead of explaining any of this to OP, or even addressing his feelings, they attacked him, called him jealous, and accused him of trying to make HIS OWN BIRTHDAY all about himself.”
“There’s no excuse for that.” ~ midnightsunofabitch
“NTA. It’s not jealousy to feel undervalued. I understand your sister has been through Hell, but siblings of sick kids always seem to get lost in the panic.”
“It’s entirely up to you, but if it were possible, I’d really talk to your parents about how this made you feel. You stepped up and took care of the household while never giving up on your sister.”
“I think they’re probably scared, and I get that the diagnosis changed everyone’s lives, but if they continue to paint this picture of you in their heads that you’re resentful and jealous, that can so negatively impact your relationship with them in the future.” ~ Arakarani
“What I want to know is, if OP took over all the chores, cooked did laundry, babysat younger siblings, etc what EXACTLY did the parents do?”
“Maybe they both work full time, but it’s still insane that OP was able to take all of this on for them. Ungrateful parents. NTA.” ~ thatliledgyB
“NTA. I can’t help but point out that you were trying to get their help buying a used car, and they bought her a new car.”
“They probably could have bought you both a used car instead—especially with your contribution, too! I don’t understand why they can’t see how this would be hurtful.” ~ Tall_Confection_960
“NTA, Yes your sister went through a lot, but so did you. I understand that while she was going through treatment, she may have gotten more gifts from friends, family, etc…”
“But when giving gifts to you and your sister for birthdays, Christmas, etc…, their values should be equal.”
“This is very easy. I know because I have two daughters, and when my youngest was four, she was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor.”
“She went through surgery and treatment, and I never treated her any better than I treated her 7-year-old sister. Yes, she received about 15 stuffed animals from friends and family, and only one of those friends thought to get a stuffed animal for Brenda as well, and an aunt and uncle that bought tablets for both of them.”
“When she came to the hospital to visit her sister, I took her down to the gift shop and let her select a stuffed animal. She didn’t get 15, but she got two, and she was happy with that.”
“But when it came to their birthdays and Christmas, I always tried to make them equal. I love them both very much, and it was hard for both of them.”
“I let my oldest know that I appreciated all her help and her patience, and I apologized for spending so much more time with her sister out of town and at the hospital. But that all changed when we came home after the treatment was over.”
“Then I spent my time with both of my girls.”
“Did your parents favor your sister before the cancer diagnosis?”
“Your parents should be grateful for all the help you gave them while your sister was sick helping around the house. I’m sorry they don’t recognize that.”
“One day, you will find someone that will recognize you for all you are worth. Hang on to that person, and if your parents don’t change, I would distance you from them.”
“Keep the people in your life that appreciate you and all that you do.” ~ sammac66
“Your parents are harming all of their kids with their behavior, including your sister who had cancer. I’m going to say that again.”
“OP’s parents are harming all of their children with the special treatment they are giving one of the kids.”
“That kid has now learned that she just needs to be sick, and she will get all of the love, attention, and gifts.” ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
“NTA, OP. You’re not going to always spend the same amount on your kids for everything.”
“But buying one a car that presumably cost tens of thousands of dollars—if you’re in the US the average price was $47k in March—and the other two gifts that cost about $50 together—and that’s assuming it’s a hardcover novel—is outrageous.” ~ UnalteredCube
“NTA. This would be the end of me helping out. Do your own chores and move on.”
It’s sad that your sister has to deal with cancer. But the gap between gifts is too much. And if you keep giving, your resentment will keep building.” ~ Aggressive_Cup8452
“Yep, I’d be done. They can kick me out if they want to, but then I would tell everyone they know that they did that.”
“They are not saintly humans for getting their kid through cancer while ignoring the rest of their kids. They suck. NTA.” ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
“Yup, same, I would stop helping out and use the extra time to pick up extra shifts at work to afford the car and to move out.”
“And when they ask why OP can’t babysit or do extra chores, they can just say they can’t because they have a job and need to save money. NTA.” ~ AGirlHasNoGame_
“NTA. This is a surefire way for your parents to create a situation where you resent both them and your sibling.”
“I understand wanting to do something nice for your sister after what she’s been through, but the gifts are really disproportionate, and I’m not sure why they thought that was a good idea.”
“Especially if you’ve been carrying the weight of chores and housework for others while your sister has been sick.”
“I think you should work more hours to save up for a car faster. And since you’ll be working more, you should stop contributing as much to the household in terms of cooking, cleaning, and childcare.” ~ Honest-Sector-4558
“Your parents really said, you are making your own birthday all about you? Ah, yeah, that’s the point of birthdays.”
“NTA, but I would consider talking to them again if they are normally reasonable people. They might not have realised how it would look to you and be ashamed and embarrassed.” ~ Prestigious-Act-4741
It sounds like OP needs to have another conversation with their parents.
Hopefully, it will go better than the first one.