Content Warning: Paternity Test, Accused of Cheating, Couple’s Counseling
When babies are first born, sometimes people make jokes about them being little mushed potatoes because they haven’t fully developed “their” look yet, but these jokes are all in good fun.
But when people make comments that insinuate that someone cheated, just because their baby doesn’t look exactly like them, can quickly become problematic and hurtful, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor had just delivered her first baby and thought it was funny at first when her husband made jokes about her “unnaturally” dark hair compared to the two of them.
But when she really thought about it and realized what he was insinuating, the Original Poster (OP) realized they might need couple’s therapy before they could move forward together.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH if I’m upset that my husband mentioned getting a paternity test?”
The OP’s husband commented on their daughter’s appearance from the time she was born.
“My (31 Female) husband (32 Male) just mentioned that he’s keen on getting a paternity test for our three-week-old baby girl.”
“His reasoning is that our daughter has darker hair than him (he has brown hair, I’m white blonde).”
“I’m a little confused as she hardly has any bloody hair and this just feels like he’s accusing me of infidelity!”
Even if the OP’s husband was joking, it wasn’t funny to her.
“I actually thought he was joking initially. The conversation went as follows:”
“He said, ‘Her hair is really dark.'”
“So I said, ‘Yeah, it is,’ even though it isn’t darker than his.”
“He then mentioned getting the test… it was completely out of the blue.”
“I initially said that he should go for it as I wasn’t thinking. But, now I’ve had some time to reflect, I’m really not happy about it.”
“If he wants to get the test, fine by me, BUT it just feels like he doesn’t trust me? Am I overthinking this?! He has no reason to think like this.”
“He even went as far as to say, ‘If she wasn’t mine biologically, she’d still be my girl…’ That statement just p**sed me off, and I’ve said nothing to him since.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP about how hurtful these jokes could be.
“A lot of babies are born with very dark hair (I believe it’s referred to as downy). My sister and my niece had almost black hair at birth. Both lost that hair after a month or so, and then it came in golden blonde.”
“Sounds like your husband has a guilty conscience and is projecting that onto you.” – SheeScan
“These men need to go to a baby developmental class already. It’s embarrassing that they don’t know that babies can be born with dark hair, lose all of it, have it grow back in blonde, and that babies’ eyes also change color within the first year.”
“Like, SO MUCH IS HAPPENING. It’s appalling that they don’t know these basic things because it just really shows that they haven’t even taken a basic parenting class or newborn infant care class, either, and really aren’t prepared and educated to be a dad.” – Traditional_Rice_421
“The OP said, ‘This just feels like he’s accusing me of infidelity!’ That’s because he is. He’s an AH.” – Full_Pace7666
“Tell him he can have his paternity test if he hands you his phone and passwords right that moment. If he wants to doubt your fidelity, you owe it to yourself to check his messages/emails/apps to ensure he isn’t projecting.” – Salty_Shadows
“Most of the time when someone is cheating, they try to make it seem like their partner is to justify their own cheating to themselves.”
“An ex kept accusing me of cheating. I told him when he told me that he needed to go through my phone or it’s over that, ‘Okay. But same rules apply to you, as well. I get to go through yours, and you get to go through mine. If either is cheating, it’s over.'”
“Suddenly the, ‘I need to talk to you. Come home from work now! Right now, it’s that dead serious!’ Talk he wanted the moment I clocked into work became, ‘It’s just a joke, god, you can’t take a joke?'”
“I told him, ‘It’ll be a joke if we do this and find nothing. As you said to me, what is the worry if there’s nothing to hide?'”
“It was about that time that the girl he was cheating with showed up because he didn’t tell her to not show up. She asked who I was. ‘His girlfriend of a year being accused of cheating’ was apparently the wrong answer. Turns out she was his girlfriend of six months, and she came over to accuse him of cheating, ‘but I guess I got my answer. Do you need help, girl?'”
“I not only got a helper to grab all my s**t from his place (thank god we didn’t live together) AND a new friend. He, on the other hand, got blasted by her on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.”
“It’s usually the accuser cheating.” – GrinchCaptain
Others hoped for other possible explanations.
“When our second child looked vastly different from our first, my husband doubted the hospital staff. He insisted for weeks that the hospital switched our baby with someone else’s.”
“He never once accused me of cheating. I am only saying this to show how that’s where his mind is, and the doubting of looks doesn’t cause someone to automatically jump to cheating conclusions.” – Professional-Tie4009
“My red-headed parents were also convinced that I was switched at birth because I was born with jet black hair and brown eyes. Weirdly, though, all my hair fell out after a few weeks and grew back red. But yeah, no accusations of cheating there, either.” – eac3818
“My very blonde nephew was born with brown hair. So was my blonde sister. Pigments at birth are very different than what you end up as.”
“This is really important to point out. My husband is blonde, and I have light brown hair. Both my kids were born with really dark brown hair. It fell out, and now they are redheads. Generics are a funny thing.”
“OP should give it a few months and the baby’s hair and eyes may change, and her husband’s mind will ease.” – Stunning_Cell_1176
“I was born at the hospital were my grandfather was Chief of Staff at the time. My grandmother (illegally) worked her way into the nursery because no one wanted to stop her. My Dad went to visit me and there she was, holding a baby. We joke that if I am not my parents’, at least she picked a good one. Lol.”
“(I look a lot like my mom, FYI.)” – KadrinaOfficial
“Not to mention that if hair color was a good indicator of paternity, I’d have been worried when the first thing the doc said after pulling out my son was, ‘Woah, look at all that red hair!'”
“My husband and I are both brunettes.”
“Genetics are weird. I look more like my great grandma than I do my mother or my grandma.” – clutchingstars
After receiving feedback, the OP considered the test would confirm a lack of trust.
“Thanks for all the comments and advice. There seem to be some common responses, so I thought I’d just reply to them here… I’m more than happy for him to get the test, but as most have mentioned, that would confirm his lack of trust in me, his wife, and I don’t think I could overlook that.”
“I think I’ll seek some counselling to discuss this issue further (I’ll be inviting him to join me!!).”
“Some mentioned that our daughter might have been swapped at birth, and the test would benefit us both. I can assure all of these commentators that she didn’t leave my side once throughout our hospital stay (from her entrance to the world to her leaving the hospital with us). I’m very happy that she’s our little one.”
“Most people mentioned projection on his part. I must admit I hadn’t thought about this! I’m almost certain that this isn’t the case, but I will discuss my fears/concerns with him as this is now at the forefront of my mind!”
The OP later updated a second time, promising that couples counseling was in her future.
“Sorry it has taken me so long to update this post. Essentially, I said to my husband how disappointed I am in him for even bringing this up and how I felt pretty angry about the indirect accusation.”
“He told me he was ‘joking’ about it all, so I had to tell him that accusing someone of infidelity really isn’t funny in the slightest. Duh. It seems as though this question has come from a place of insecurity on his part, not projection.”
“I’m truly satisfied with this. I’ve suggested we go forward with counselling, and he is keen to engage with this.”
“Also, I have said to him that I’m happy for him to get a paternity test if it’s going to put his mind at ease, but if he does go ahead with getting the test, he owes me. I’ve still to think of a suitable ‘price,’ potentially a few months of doing our eldest’s school runs or something…”
The subReddit could understand that it might be a bit of a jarring experience at first to meet your baby and for them to not look like you or your partner, but genetics are a funny thing.
The most important thing is that it seems the couple has come to a solution that works for them, their baby and their future. While it might not be the solution for everyone, it only matters that it works for their family.