College is so expensive.
Families have gone into debt and lost life savings over attaining a diploma.
Every penny counts, especially in this economy.
But just how many family members are expected to chip in?
Not everybody may be on board with funding the newest high school graduate.
Redditor darbybarbe wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to help pay for my younger brother's college because my dad never saved up for him?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 F[emale]) graduated from college a couple of years ago."
"I worked my butt off to get through school, juggling scholarships, loans, and part-time jobs to pay for everything on my own."
"My dad (55 M[ale]) remarried when I was 18, and I have a half-brother (17 M) who's about to graduate high school."
"Recently, my dad asked if I could help out with my brother's college expenses because he and his wife didn't save up for it."
"He said I should be able to afford it now that I have a full-time job, and because I 'got lucky' with scholarships, it would only be fair if I helped my brother since 'family helps family.'"
"I love my brother, but I told my dad I couldn't be responsible for his education, especially when I had to figure everything out on my own."
"My dad didn't give me any financial support during college, so I don't see why it's suddenly my responsibility now."
"He got mad, called me selfish, and now both my stepmom and brother are giving me the cold shoulder."
"I feel guilty because my brother has nothing to do with this, but at the same time, I just started my career and am trying to build a life of my own."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for saying no to helping pay for my brother's education?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Good for you."
"It is crazy for your dad to expect you to do HIS job for him."
"You never 'saved up' for your brother's school either, but more to the point, it was never even your responsibility to do that."
"Your job right now is to get your life established, maybe save up a house, or a trip you'd like to take."
"You wouldn't be an a**hole even if you set a hard rule that zero dollars go from you to them."
"I think you should."
"Maybe someday, but not when your dad is 55."
"He's the responsible grown-up, or should be, and it's time for him and his wife to act the part." ~ SushiGuacDNA
"So he screwed up with you, so that somehow means you need to make things right for your stepbrother?"
"That's the most ridiculous logic I've ever heard, but it's perfectly normal for your garden variety narcissist."
"I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap."
"You go live your life. NTA." ~ Gagirl4604
"Dude had 8 years to be like..oh sh*t daughter is in college."
"Maybe I should start saving for my son."
"Maybe I better make sure my son is in a position in HS to get scholarships."
"He didn't do anything for either child so no, NTA." ~ MaddyKet
"Hey, daughter, you're SUPER SUCCESSFUL with no help from me, so now it's your job to pay for your half-brother's college because I was an equally awful parent to him, too."
"OP, offer to help give advice and oversight to some of the grant/scholarship programs and to share with him a map of how you did it yourself."
"THAT'S HELPING A LOT!!!"
"I'm mildly certain your half-brother is going to expect someone, i.e., you, to DO THINGS on his behalf."
"Tell him this is a self-service process."
"He has to do the work, and you will help him navigate it."
"If he doesn't do his part, that's on him, and you won't waste your time/effort."
"You owe him ZERO Money." ~ No_Appointment_7232
"But this is his SON."
"He's a MAN and deserves to go to college."
"OP was a woman and could have just gotten married."
"Plus you know she only got that scholarship because she is a woman.'
"But maybe I'm being too hard on him. I'm sure his current wife is also pressuring him to lean on his daughter because she doesn't give a crap about OP except for what she can do for HER child."
"Screw all of them."
"Dad should own up to the fact that he didn't care or wasn't able to save for either of their colleges." ~ nursepenguin36
"Dad got married to stepmom when OP was 18."
"As OP is now 26, that would be 8 years, give or take."
"Still, plenty of time to sock away something that would help."
"If stepbrother cannot come up with financial aid, the cheapest way to get a degree is 2 years community college, then transfer to a four-year school."
"It also gives you a chance to work on getting your grades up for scholarships."
"I did this, and got a full-ride to a state school for being a state scholar and graduated with $4K in student loans because it was cheap money to live on my senior year (I worked P[art]Time])."
"If you take academics seriously, there's money."
"Also, not everyone is meant for college - there are great apprenticeships in the trades that pay you to learn a trade and include the classes you need."
"You can do it by finding an established person with a business or going to the unions." ~ 2dogslife
"If I had to save for my kids to go to university and saved for one and not the other or neither of them it would solely be on me."
"Couldn't ask one son to do that because I haven't saved for the other (not saying you're a son OP, just that I only have sons). NTA." ~ Ok_Pianist605
"NTA. You didn't 'get lucky' with scholarships."
"You earned them."
"If your brother isn't similarly talented academically or with sports or whatnot... that's his problem."
"You're not expected to do his homework for him to get good grades, or to go to sports or club practices for him... so likewise you wouldn't be paying for anything that you got with your scholarships."
"There's no reason why you have to pay for your father, your stepmom, and your brother's poor choices/bad money management."
"Especially if you had to do it on your own."
"He can do it on his own too, since you proved it can be done." ~ CelestialWeaver
"NTA. They see you as someone earning money with no children. Not cool."
"But you are just starting so do what you need to do for YOU." ~ lmmontes
"NTA. Please do talk to your brother about this though."
"Make it clear to him that you simply can't, but you could help give him advice on scholarship."
"If he insists you should help him out financially, point out that at least you'll have one thing in common: Dad didn't help either one of you." ~ DutchDaddy85
"Yes, talk with the brother about how you managed, the loans and scholarships you applied for."
"Those applications can be tedious and daunting."
'Having the guidance of someone who has done it is valuable."
"Remind him you also had no help from your father and apparently the father hasn't saved for the second son either."
"Don't let your father's perspective be the only one that your brother hears." ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
"Yes agreed! OP should offer to help with advice and guidance on how to find and apply for scholarships."
"Let him know you understand how tough this will be but unfortunately you just can't provide financial help."
"Dad might be spinning the story to make himself look good so make sure bro knows the truth." ~ Sufficient_Art_4122
"Ding! Ding! Ding! I think bro doesn't know the whole truth. NTA." ~ junkfile19
"NTA - Your Father, Step Mother, and Brother are being the AH though."
"You are under no obligation due to being family to help him pay for college just because you are earning money."
"Explain to your brother why you can't help, explain your own loans, bills, and such that have to come first." ~ Lunar-Eclipse0204
"NTA. I mean, if you had a bucket of money from your job, you could help if you wanted to, but I'm guessing that you, like everyone, are just trying to pay rent and, if you're super lucky, save a little bit."
"I'd say the best way you can help your brother is by helping him find and apply for scholarships."
"There are a LOT out there."
"Some aren't very big but they all add up."
"But your sibling's college education is not your problem, nor should it be your responsibility."
"And that your dad is bad-mouthing you enough for them to give you the silent treatment is just bulls**t." ~ Demented-Alpaca
"NTA... you will help your brother as much as your dad helped you."
"Because family helps the family."
"He didn't give you a penny?"
"I guess that's what your brother's going to get then."
"No one is entitled to your success and just because you share genetics does not mean you owe them anything."
"Congratulations on graduation and starting your adult life."
"They had 17+ years to save if they wanted to help him and he could've applied for scholarships the same as you did."
"Their lack of planning is not your problem." ~ United-Manner20
"NTA. You can give him the gift of your experience by coaching him on how to go about finding financial aid, choosing an affordable college, the best kinds of part-time jobs to mesh with student obligations, etc."
"As to 'family helps family' your dad and his mom are certainly family; maybe they should look into how they can be of help to him." ~ CatteNappe
"NTA. He didn't help you and isn't helping your brother, but thinks you should??!!"
"Let your Dad take out student loans for your brother if he's that worried about helping him."
"It's his responsibility, not yours." ~ JTBlakeinNYC
"NTA. For starters, I'm assuming you have loans, so it may be worth pointing out you are still paying for yours."
"You cannot begin to pay for someone else's while you're still holding debt." ~ whichwitch9
"NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys."
"Piss poor planning on your dad and stepmom's part doesn't constitute a crisis response from you!" ~ Recent-Necessary-362
"Sorry OP but your father is a S**T dad who's apparently irresponsible when it comes to his kids." NTA." ~ Best_Baker_Ever
Reddit is with you, OP. You worked hard and saved hard.
You're not required to pay for anything for anybody.
This is clearly your Dad's issue to fix.
Hopefully, your brother will understand.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp