College is so expensive.
Families have gone into debt and lost life savings over attaining a diploma.
Every penny counts, especially in this economy.
But just how many family members are expected to chip in?
Not everybody may be on board with funding the newest high school graduate.
Redditor darbybarbe wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to help pay for my younger brother’s college because my dad never saved up for him?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (26 F[emale]) graduated from college a couple of years ago.”
“I worked my butt off to get through school, juggling scholarships, loans, and part-time jobs to pay for everything on my own.”
“My dad (55 M[ale]) remarried when I was 18, and I have a half-brother (17 M) who’s about to graduate high school.”
“Recently, my dad asked if I could help out with my brother’s college expenses because he and his wife didn’t save up for it.”
“He said I should be able to afford it now that I have a full-time job, and because I ‘got lucky’ with scholarships, it would only be fair if I helped my brother since ‘family helps family.’”
“I love my brother, but I told my dad I couldn’t be responsible for his education, especially when I had to figure everything out on my own.”
“My dad didn’t give me any financial support during college, so I don’t see why it’s suddenly my responsibility now.”
“He got mad, called me selfish, and now both my stepmom and brother are giving me the cold shoulder.”
“I feel guilty because my brother has nothing to do with this, but at the same time, I just started my career and am trying to build a life of my own.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for saying no to helping pay for my brother’s education?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Good for you.”
“It is crazy for your dad to expect you to do HIS job for him.”
“You never ‘saved up’ for your brother’s school either, but more to the point, it was never even your responsibility to do that.”
“Your job right now is to get your life established, maybe save up a house, or a trip you’d like to take.”
“You wouldn’t be an a**hole even if you set a hard rule that zero dollars go from you to them.”
“I think you should.”
“Maybe someday, but not when your dad is 55.”
“He’s the responsible grown-up, or should be, and it’s time for him and his wife to act the part.” ~ SushiGuacDNA
“So he screwed up with you, so that somehow means you need to make things right for your stepbrother?”
“That’s the most ridiculous logic I’ve ever heard, but it’s perfectly normal for your garden variety narcissist.”
“I’m so sorry you have to deal with this crap.”
“You go live your life. NTA.” ~ Gagirl4604
“Dude had 8 years to be like..oh sh*t daughter is in college.”
“Maybe I should start saving for my son.”
“Maybe I better make sure my son is in a position in HS to get scholarships.”
“He didn’t do anything for either child so no, NTA.” ~ MaddyKet
“Hey, daughter, you’re SUPER SUCCESSFUL with no help from me, so now it’s your job to pay for your half-brother’s college because I was an equally awful parent to him, too.”
“OP, offer to help give advice and oversight to some of the grant/scholarship programs and to share with him a map of how you did it yourself.”
“THAT’S HELPING A LOT!!!”
“I’m mildly certain your half-brother is going to expect someone, i.e., you, to DO THINGS on his behalf.”
“Tell him this is a self-service process.”
“He has to do the work, and you will help him navigate it.”
“If he doesn’t do his part, that’s on him, and you won’t waste your time/effort.”
“You owe him ZERO Money.” ~ No_Appointment_7232
“But this is his SON.”
“He’s a MAN and deserves to go to college.”
“OP was a woman and could have just gotten married.”
“Plus you know she only got that scholarship because she is a woman.’
“But maybe I’m being too hard on him. I’m sure his current wife is also pressuring him to lean on his daughter because she doesn’t give a crap about OP except for what she can do for HER child.”
“Screw all of them.”
“Dad should own up to the fact that he didn’t care or wasn’t able to save for either of their colleges.” ~ nursepenguin36
“Dad got married to stepmom when OP was 18.”
“As OP is now 26, that would be 8 years, give or take.”
“Still, plenty of time to sock away something that would help.”
“If stepbrother cannot come up with financial aid, the cheapest way to get a degree is 2 years community college, then transfer to a four-year school.”
“It also gives you a chance to work on getting your grades up for scholarships.”
“I did this, and got a full-ride to a state school for being a state scholar and graduated with $4K in student loans because it was cheap money to live on my senior year (I worked P[art]Time]).”
“If you take academics seriously, there’s money.”
“Also, not everyone is meant for college – there are great apprenticeships in the trades that pay you to learn a trade and include the classes you need.”
“You can do it by finding an established person with a business or going to the unions.” ~ 2dogslife
“If I had to save for my kids to go to university and saved for one and not the other or neither of them it would solely be on me.”
“Couldn’t ask one son to do that because I haven’t saved for the other (not saying you’re a son OP, just that I only have sons). NTA.” ~ Ok_Pianist605
“NTA. You didn’t ‘get lucky’ with scholarships.”
“You earned them.”
“If your brother isn’t similarly talented academically or with sports or whatnot… that’s his problem.”
“You’re not expected to do his homework for him to get good grades, or to go to sports or club practices for him… so likewise you wouldn’t be paying for anything that you got with your scholarships.”
“There’s no reason why you have to pay for your father, your stepmom, and your brother’s poor choices/bad money management.”
“Especially if you had to do it on your own.”
“He can do it on his own too, since you proved it can be done.” ~ CelestialWeaver
“NTA. They see you as someone earning money with no children. Not cool.”
“But you are just starting so do what you need to do for YOU.” ~ lmmontes
“NTA. Please do talk to your brother about this though.”
“Make it clear to him that you simply can’t, but you could help give him advice on scholarship.”
“If he insists you should help him out financially, point out that at least you’ll have one thing in common: Dad didn’t help either one of you.” ~ DutchDaddy85
“Yes, talk with the brother about how you managed, the loans and scholarships you applied for.”
“Those applications can be tedious and daunting.”
‘Having the guidance of someone who has done it is valuable.”
“Remind him you also had no help from your father and apparently the father hasn’t saved for the second son either.”
“Don’t let your father’s perspective be the only one that your brother hears.” ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
“Yes agreed! OP should offer to help with advice and guidance on how to find and apply for scholarships.”
“Let him know you understand how tough this will be but unfortunately you just can’t provide financial help.”
“Dad might be spinning the story to make himself look good so make sure bro knows the truth.” ~ Sufficient_Art_4122
“Ding! Ding! Ding! I think bro doesn’t know the whole truth. NTA.” ~ junkfile19
“NTA – Your Father, Step Mother, and Brother are being the AH though.”
“You are under no obligation due to being family to help him pay for college just because you are earning money.”
“Explain to your brother why you can’t help, explain your own loans, bills, and such that have to come first.” ~ Lunar-Eclipse0204
“NTA. I mean, if you had a bucket of money from your job, you could help if you wanted to, but I’m guessing that you, like everyone, are just trying to pay rent and, if you’re super lucky, save a little bit.”
“I’d say the best way you can help your brother is by helping him find and apply for scholarships.”
“There are a LOT out there.”
“Some aren’t very big but they all add up.”
“But your sibling’s college education is not your problem, nor should it be your responsibility.”
“And that your dad is bad-mouthing you enough for them to give you the silent treatment is just bulls**t.” ~ Demented-Alpaca
“NTA… you will help your brother as much as your dad helped you.”
“Because family helps the family.”
“He didn’t give you a penny?”
“I guess that’s what your brother’s going to get then.”
“No one is entitled to your success and just because you share genetics does not mean you owe them anything.”
“Congratulations on graduation and starting your adult life.”
“They had 17+ years to save if they wanted to help him and he could’ve applied for scholarships the same as you did.”
“Their lack of planning is not your problem.” ~ United-Manner20
“NTA. You can give him the gift of your experience by coaching him on how to go about finding financial aid, choosing an affordable college, the best kinds of part-time jobs to mesh with student obligations, etc.”
“As to ‘family helps family’ your dad and his mom are certainly family; maybe they should look into how they can be of help to him.” ~ CatteNappe
“NTA. He didn’t help you and isn’t helping your brother, but thinks you should??!!”
“Let your Dad take out student loans for your brother if he’s that worried about helping him.”
“It’s his responsibility, not yours.” ~ JTBlakeinNYC
“NTA. For starters, I’m assuming you have loans, so it may be worth pointing out you are still paying for yours.”
“You cannot begin to pay for someone else’s while you’re still holding debt.” ~ whichwitch9
“NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.”
“Piss poor planning on your dad and stepmom’s part doesn’t constitute a crisis response from you!” ~ Recent-Necessary-362
“Sorry OP but your father is a S**T dad who’s apparently irresponsible when it comes to his kids.” NTA.” ~ Best_Baker_Ever
Reddit is with you, OP. You worked hard and saved hard.
You’re not required to pay for anything for anybody.
This is clearly your Dad’s issue to fix.
Hopefully, your brother will understand.