It's no secret that weddings are expensive to plan and to host, and many people spend years saving up for their wedding day, planning for the event, and comparing prices to get the best deals.
Notice that part of the process is not researching a person to pay for the wedding for them, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Few-Awareness-8732 had saved up money for their biological son and had money saved to give him after he graduated from high school to use how he needed, whether it was for college, a wedding, or another life event.
They were surprised when their wife demanded that he help pay for her daughter's wedding, as well, even though the Original Poster (OP) had saved the money for their son since long before they met.
They asked:
"AITAH for paying for my son's wedding but not my stepdaughters' weddings?"
The OP saved up money to give to their son, which would be used for his wedding day.
"My wife and I have been together for eight years and married for six."
"She has a daughter (24 Female) and two younger kids from a previous relationship. I have a son (22 Male) from a previous relationship."
"I am not big on weddings. I consider them a waste of money. My wife and I got married at the courthouse."
"My son is getting married this summer. He decided he wanted a wedding."
"I had saved a substantial amount of money for him over the years for college or whatever he wanted to do after high school. He didn't need that money because he got a scholarship."
"I am splitting the cost of the wedding with his fiancee's parents. My half is coming from the money I saved."
"My stepdaughter recently got engaged. Her fiancé's family is 'traditional' and expects her family to pay for all of it."
The OP was surprised when their wife expected them to help pay for her daughter's wedding, too.
"My wife asked me how much we were willing to spend (note: my wife and I maintain separate finances)."
"I told her that outside of the $2,000 or so I plan to spend on wedding gifts, I do not plan to contribute anything."
"She essentially said she could not afford the cost of the wedding on her own, especially considering she is solely responsible for paying for the young kids' college, and she has to save for that (my wife's ex refuses to contribute anything whatsoever beyond child support until they are 18 years old)."
"I told her they could get married at the courthouse like we did for less than $100."
"She said I could use some of the money in my savings that I had set aside for my son. While that is technically my money, as far as I am concerned, it is my son's money."
The OP's wife was angry that they didn't want to share the funds.
"My wife is upset because she sees it as fundamentally unfair that my son is getting a nice wedding and her daughter is not, and her two younger kids may not, either."
"While I understand the frustration, I do not think that it is my place or responsibility to remedy the problem."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they met their stepdaughter when she was 18, and their wife had 24 years to plan for this.
"NTA. Your wife had 24 years to think about this. Her daughter was already 18 when you married." - Ok_Homework_7621
"NTA. Your stepdaughter was an ADULT when you married her mom, and you did not really raise her. She has two living bio parents to fund her wedding."
"Sounds like she agrees to separate finances only when it's convenient for her." - No_Glove_1575
"NTA. Your money, your choice. You didn't randomly decide to fund one wedding and not the other; you saved that money specifically for your son years ago. It's not like you're out here throwing lavish weddings left and right."
"Your wife's frustration is understandable, but expecting you to just reallocate funds meant for your son is kinda wild. If fairness is the issue, maybe her daughter's fiancé's traditional family should traditionally cough up the cash they expect."
"At the end of the day, weddings are a want, not a need. Love isn't measured by how many dollars get burned in a single day. If it were, Vegas chapels wouldn't exist." - claire-echo
"Look, it's not your responsibility to pay for your stepdaughter's wedding, especially when you and your wife keep separate finances. That money was for your son, period."
"If her ex was a decent human, he'd be helping, but he's not, and that's her problem to sort out. It's not fair to your son to take his money, and it's not fair to you to be forced to pay for something you don't believe in."
"Your wife needs to accept that and figure out a budget she can afford, or go the courthouse route like you suggested. It's not your fault her daughter wants a big wedding, and it's def not your fault her ex is a deadbeat." - PeonyGloww
"You married her when her daughter was an 18-year-old adult."
"At no point in your life have you ever been her parent or financially responsible for her in any manner or shape or form."
"If she wants a daddy to pay for her wedding, she needs to go and find her father, paternal uncles, grandparents, etc. (the people who raised her) to pay for her wedding."
"Not your monkey and definitely not your circus."
"None of them are entitled to the savings that you have for your son. She should be grateful that you are even saving money for her kids college that her deadbeat Ex is not willing to do for her or them when you should be saving for yourself and your retirement because your ONLY CHILD is a grown ass man getting married."
"Tell her you will take money from what you have saved for HER OTHER CHILDREN to pay for HER DAUGHTER'S WEDDING NTA." - Mother_Search3350
"Her fiancé's family is 'traditional' and expects her family to pay for all of it. In my opinion, this is where the problem is, not you not wanting to pay. If the couple can't pay themselves, then putting all the financial burden on the girl's family isn't a solution."
"Either they wait until they have money to get married, or the families should split it, and if her father isn't willing to put in any money, then her budget is what her mother can contribute." - redelectro7
"OP needs to point this out to his wife and stepdaughter. If they want to play the traditional card bulls**t, then they need to be fully traditional."
"Dowry. He covers all bills while she doesn't have to work. She controls the household and bills while he just brings the money in. Etc."
"They are only wanting traditional so they don't have to pay for anything instead of just telling their son, 'No, we aren't paying for your wedding. Hopefully our stepdaughter realizes what kind of people they are and reconsiders marrying into this family.'" - mocha_lattes
Others agreed and also argued for couples paying for their weddings, instead of following tradition.
"How about couples paying for their own wedding? The days of the brides parents paying is long, long gone. You are not a traditional family, so this doesn't apply to you." - LectureBasic6828
"'Traditionally,' the bride's family paid for the wedding because the groom would be supporting her after the wedding. Times have changed. The bride and groom both have to work in this economy."
"I find it insulting that OP is being asked to pay for the wedding when neither the bride nor the groom is OP's child. And, being asked to take from his child to do so. Get the f**k out of here with that." - Prestigious_Bluejay5
"Wedding tradition is old now! Families pay 50-50 or both contribute to the bride and groom's own wedding savings."
"Also NTA, your stepdaughter has no right to your son's savings that HER mother hasn't contributed anything to. If you want, just tell her you already transferred the money to your son and you're not going to ask for it back." - Azure_W0lf
"I paid for my wife and my wedding. My parents, without being asked, paid for our honeymoon, which was lovely of them. My wife's parents paid for her dress (not a conversation I was involved in to be honest, as it happens, they also paid for her older sister's entire wedding, but that's an argument I have no interest in having)."
"We had a wedding that we could afford, and it was great." - Foxy_Sly_Old_Stoaty_Fox
"Why are the families making these agreements with each other? Why aren't the married spouses-to-be stepping up and making their own financial and logistical decisions? (Same with stepson, I suppose. Not sure why parents are talking to each other about this.)"
"It could be a cultural pocket where this is normal, but it seems like a disempowering step for people who are about to start their grown-up lives together." - Sophisticated_Screams
"If you and your wife were fine getting married at the courthouse, there's no reason her daughter can't do the same."
"A big wedding isn't a NEED, it's a WANT, and if they can't afford it, they might need to adjust their expectations." - ccteamva
"'Traditional' has it that the brides father pays for the wedding, if they want to be choosy. Where is the stepdaughter's dad in all of this?"
"I'm not a wedding person, either; I feel it's become a ridiculous circus feeding the narcissistic, 'It's MY special day, I'm going to do whatever I want...'"
"The fact of the matter is that your stepdaughter was 18 when you married her mom. She's an adult. You didn't have a hand in raising her (or things might be different). Mom could have set money aside if she could."
"Regardless, it isn't your issue as much as it sounds callous."
"Stepdaughter needs to scale back her plans to something that is affordable or speak to her dad about his contributions." - Noidentitytoday5
While the subReddit could understand how helpful it can be to have someone else helping to pay for your wedding, they argued that a wedding could still be had without spending a lot of money, and if that wedding wasn't big enough, it could be postponed instead.
The OP might have had the funds to provide weddings to each of his children, but since his stepdaughter came into his life when she was already legally an adult, it seemed the OP's wife and stepdaughter had already had plenty of time to plan for this.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.