It's no secret that weddings are expensive to plan and to host, and many people spend years saving up for their wedding day, planning for the event, and comparing prices to get the best deals.
Notice that part of the process is not researching a person to pay for the wedding for them, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Few-Awareness-8732 had saved up money for their biological son and had money saved to give him after he graduated from high school to use how he needed, whether it was for college, a wedding, or another life event.
They were surprised when their wife demanded that he help pay for her daughter's wedding, as well, even though the Original Poster (OP) had saved the money for their son since long before they met.
They asked:
"AITAH for paying for my son's wedding but not my stepdaughters' weddings?"
The OP saved up money to give to their son, which would be used for his wedding day.
"My wife and I have been together for eight years and married for six."
"She has a daughter (24 Female) and two younger kids from a previous relationship. I have a son (22 Male) from a previous relationship."
"I am not big on weddings. I consider them a waste of money. My wife and I got married at the courthouse."
"My son is getting married this summer. He decided he wanted a wedding."
"I had saved a substantial amount of money for him over the years for college or whatever he wanted to do after high school. He didn't need that money because he got a scholarship."
"I am splitting the cost of the wedding with his fiancee's parents. My half is coming from the money I saved."
"My stepdaughter recently got engaged. Her fiancé's family is 'traditional' and expects her family to pay for all of it."
The OP was surprised when their wife expected them to help pay for her daughter's wedding, too.
"My wife asked me how much we were willing to spend (note: my wife and I maintain separate finances)."
"I told her that outside of the $2,000 or so I plan to spend on wedding gifts, I do not plan to contribute anything."
"She essentially said she could not afford the cost of the wedding on her own, especially considering she is solely responsible for paying for the young kids' college, and she has to save for that (my wife's ex refuses to contribute anything whatsoever beyond child support until they are 18 years old)."
"I told her they could get married at the courthouse like we did for less than $100."
"She said I could use some of the money in my savings that I had set aside for my son. While that is technically my money, as far as I am concerned, it is my son's money."
The OP's wife was angry that they didn't want to share the funds.
"My wife is upset because she sees it as fundamentally unfair that my son is getting a nice wedding and her daughter is not, and her two younger kids may not, either."
"While I understand the frustration, I do not think that it is my place or responsibility to remedy the problem."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they met their stepdaughter when she was 18, and their wife had 24 years to plan for this.
"NTA. Your wife had 24 years to think about this. Her daughter was already 18 when you married." - Ok_Homework_7621
"NTA. Your stepdaughter was an ADULT when you married her mom, and you did not really raise her. She has two living bio parents to fund her wedding."
"Sounds like she agrees to separate finances only when it's convenient for her." - No_Glove_1575
"NTA. Your money, your choice. You didn't randomly decide to fund one wedding and not the other; you saved that money specifically for your son years ago. It's not like you're out here throwing lavish weddings left and right."
"Your wife's frustration is understandable, but expecting you to just reallocate funds meant for your son is kinda wild. If fairness is the issue, maybe her daughter's fiancé's traditional family should traditionally cough up the cash they expect."
"At the end of the day, weddings are a want, not a need. Love isn't measured by how many dollars get burned in a single day. If it were, Vegas chapels wouldn't exist." - claire-echo
"Look, it's not your responsibility to pay for your stepdaughter's wedding, especially when you and your wife keep separate finances. That money was for your son, period."
"If her ex was a decent human, he'd be helping, but he's not, and that's her problem to sort out. It's not fair to your son to take his money, and it's not fair to you to be forced to pay for something you don't believe in."
"Your wife needs to accept that and figure out a budget she can afford, or go the courthouse route like you suggested. It's not your fault her daughter wants a big wedding, and it's def not your fault her ex is a deadbeat." - PeonyGloww
"You married her when her daughter was an 18-year-old adult."
"At no point in your life have you ever been her parent or financially responsible for her in any manner or shape or form."
"If she wants a daddy to pay for her wedding, she needs to go and find her father, paternal uncles, grandparents, etc. (the people who raised her) to pay for her wedding."
"Not your monkey and definitely not your circus."
"None of them are entitled to the savings that you have for your son. She should be grateful that you are even saving money for her kids college that her deadbeat Ex is not willing to do for her or them when you should be saving for yourself and your retirement because your ONLY CHILD is a grown ass man getting married."
"Tell her you will take money from what you have saved for HER OTHER CHILDREN to pay for HER DAUGHTER'S WEDDING NTA." - Mother_Search3350
"Her fiancé's family is 'traditional' and expects her family to pay for all of it. In my opinion, this is where the problem is, not you not wanting to pay. If the couple can't pay themselves, then putting all the financial burden on the girl's family isn't a solution."
"Either they wait until they have money to get married, or the families should split it, and if her father isn't willing to put in any money, then her budget is what her mother can contribute." - redelectro7
"OP needs to point this out to his wife and stepdaughter. If they want to play the traditional card bulls**t, then they need to be fully traditional."
"Dowry. He covers all bills while she doesn't have to work. She controls the household and bills while he just brings the money in. Etc."
"They are only wanting traditional so they don't have to pay for anything instead of just telling their son, 'No, we aren't paying for your wedding. Hopefully our stepdaughter realizes what kind of people they are and reconsiders marrying into this family.'" - mocha_lattes
Others agreed and also argued for couples paying for their weddings, instead of following tradition.
"How about couples paying for their own wedding? The days of the brides parents paying is long, long gone. You are not a traditional family, so this doesn't apply to you." - LectureBasic6828
"'Traditionally,' the bride's family paid for the wedding because the groom would be supporting her after the wedding. Times have changed. The bride and groom both have to work in this economy."
"I find it insulting that OP is being asked to pay for the wedding when neither the bride nor the groom is OP's child. And, being asked to take from his child to do so. Get the f**k out of here with that." - Prestigious_Bluejay5
"Wedding tradition is old now! Families pay 50-50 or both contribute to the bride and groom's own wedding savings."
"Also NTA, your stepdaughter has no right to your son's savings that HER mother hasn't contributed anything to. If you want, just tell her you already transferred the money to your son and you're not going to ask for it back." - Azure_W0lf
"I paid for my wife and my wedding. My parents, without being asked, paid for our honeymoon, which was lovely of them. My wife's parents paid for her dress (not a conversation I was involved in to be honest, as it happens, they also paid for her older sister's entire wedding, but that's an argument I have no interest in having)."
"We had a wedding that we could afford, and it was great." - Foxy_Sly_Old_Stoaty_Fox
"Why are the families making these agreements with each other? Why aren't the married spouses-to-be stepping up and making their own financial and logistical decisions? (Same with stepson, I suppose. Not sure why parents are talking to each other about this.)"
"It could be a cultural pocket where this is normal, but it seems like a disempowering step for people who are about to start their grown-up lives together." - Sophisticated_Screams
"If you and your wife were fine getting married at the courthouse, there's no reason her daughter can't do the same."
"A big wedding isn't a NEED, it's a WANT, and if they can't afford it, they might need to adjust their expectations." - ccteamva
"'Traditional' has it that the brides father pays for the wedding, if they want to be choosy. Where is the stepdaughter's dad in all of this?"
"I'm not a wedding person, either; I feel it's become a ridiculous circus feeding the narcissistic, 'It's MY special day, I'm going to do whatever I want...'"
"The fact of the matter is that your stepdaughter was 18 when you married her mom. She's an adult. You didn't have a hand in raising her (or things might be different). Mom could have set money aside if she could."
"Regardless, it isn't your issue as much as it sounds callous."
"Stepdaughter needs to scale back her plans to something that is affordable or speak to her dad about his contributions." - Noidentitytoday5
While the subReddit could understand how helpful it can be to have someone else helping to pay for your wedding, they argued that a wedding could still be had without spending a lot of money, and if that wedding wasn't big enough, it could be postponed instead.
The OP might have had the funds to provide weddings to each of his children, but since his stepdaughter came into his life when she was already legally an adult, it seemed the OP's wife and stepdaughter had already had plenty of time to plan for this.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp