Content Warning: Infertility, Infertility Shaming
While not everyone wants to have children, not everyone is able to have children, either, and unfortunately, sometimes those who want to have children are unable to.
Coming to that conclusion is nothing short of devastating, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor yourfavbruna had always wanted to have children but was unable to, while her younger sister already had her first child.
Her sister made comments that she meant as comments about how good she was with children, but when she said that her older sister should be grateful for the opportunity to be around her child, the Original Poster (OP) found the comment to be too cruel to ignore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not babysitting my sister’s kid after she said my infertility makes me the ‘perfect aunt’?”
The OP was devastated by not being able to have children.
“I (32 Female) found out last year that I can’t have children. It was devastating.”
“I don’t really want to get into the medical side of it here, but it’s been a hard pill to swallow. I’ve been in therapy, trying to process everything, and honestly, it’s been rough.”
“My husband (34 Male) has been amazing through all of it. We’ve talked about maybe adopting someday, but right now I’m still just grieving.”
The OP’s sister was oblivious to what she was going through.
“My younger sister (29 Female) had a baby about eight months ago.”
“She’s always been kind of… oblivious? Like, she doesn’t mean to be rude, but sometimes the stuff that comes out of her mouth is just wild.”
“Anyway, ever since the baby was born, she’s been hinting that I should help out more.”
“She’ll say things like, ‘You’re so good with him, you were meant to be a mom,’ or ‘He LOVES you, you’ve got that maternal energy,’ which I guess is sweet on the surface, but also makes me feel like crap because… I can’t actually be a mom.”
But then the OP’s sister demanded something she couldn’t look past.
“Then last week, she asked if I could watch the baby for three days straight while she and her boyfriend went on a last-minute trip to Vegas.”
“THREE. DAYS. Not even like, ‘Can you watch him for a few hours?’ or ‘We’re asking in advance.'”
“I work full-time from home, and I literally can’t just drop everything to play nanny, so I told her no.”
“She got weirdly passive-aggressive and said, ‘Well, I just thought since you don’t have kids, and probably never will, you’d appreciate the experience. Some of us don’t get time off from being moms, you know.'”
“I just stared at her. Like, what the actual f**k?!”
“That’s when I snapped and said, ‘You know what? Maybe you should’ve thought of that before having a baby with someone who treats you like a backup plan. I’m not your free babysitter just because my uterus doesn’t work.'”
“She got all teary and said I was being ‘bitter and jealous’ and that I should be grateful to have a baby in my life at all.”
The OP was facing mixed reactions from the people around her.
“We haven’t spoken since.”
“My mom says I was cruel to her and that I should apologize. My husband says she had it coming.”
“I feel like I maybe could’ve kept my cool better, but like… I’m just so tired of people acting like being childless means I’m supposed to step in whenever someone else needs help with theirs.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were convinced the sister was the AH, not at all the OP.
“NTA. Your sister is entitled and spoiled, and when she didn’t get her way, she poked the bear, said something extremely hurtful, and deserved everything you said to her.”
“Also, screw your mom for taking your sister’s side.” – Extension-Path-2209
“My kid was two years old the first time I was away from them overnight, and I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t do three days away with my kid being under a year. I barely do that now!” – ZealousIdeal_Mix2830
“OP, newsflash. Your sister isn’t oblivious. She KNOWS she is being mean. She just doesn’t care that she hurts other people’s feelings.”
“She wants to gaslight you into being grateful for time with her child, ANY child, so that you’ll babysit every chance you get, my guess is for free. And being the younger sister, I’m SURE she likes feeling like she has the upper hand on you, being able to have children when you biologically can’t, and reminding you of that every chance she gets.” – CuriousPenguineSocks
“NTA. Her sister really thought she was the victim here? Like, oh, I was just trying to help, and thought you’d wanna experience it since you probably won’t… girl, what?! That was straight up a low blow.”
“And what the f**k is up with their mom taking her side??”
“Honestly, OP handled it way better than I ever could. I’d have snapped way earlier. NTA.” – CookySpooky
“100% NTA. I find it hard to believe that she doesn’t realize how offensive she is. And if she doesn’t realize it, she should. And your mother is nuts if she thinks you’re the one who is cruel here.”
“And you know what parents do when they make plans that don’t involve their kids? They pay babysitters.” – Anonymoosehead123
“Your sister made a choice you wish you had the ability to make. If you could, I bet you would do anything and never bother anyone if that is what it took.”
“The fact that she weaponized something you have no control over for something as optional as a Vegas trip…”
“As a Mother, I understand it takes a Village and whatnot. But not everyone has one, and those who do know that you DO NOT P**S THE VILLAGE OFF. Your sister just f**ked up big time.”
“Time to step out of the Village. NTA.” – e_l_r
Others agreed and could not imagine what world in which the OP would need to apologize.
“YOU have to apologise? Jes*s f**king Chr**t, you’re NTA. I was just astonished that someone could say something so callously hurtful and then get support for it from your mother.” – Top-Put2038
“Sure, OP, you can apologize… Sure:”
“‘Sis, I am sorry you are a cruel, self-centered, insensitive to the feelings of others, and somehow overly sensitive about your own feelings, b***h. It must be so hard for you to live, knowing others find you intolerable to be around. Forgive me for pointing out your obvious flaws.'”
“There, see? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. NTA.” – throwawtphone
“OP, you don’t need to apologize to your sister, but if you want to apologize to your mom, do it like this: ‘I’m sorry you failed in your parenting of my sister and raised someone who is so self-centered, makes poor life choices, and thinks she can be carelessly cruel to other people with no consequences.'”
“‘Oh, and that you’re an irresponsible id**t and bad mother, wanting your daughter who is still grieving her inability to have children, to agree to babysit her niece for three days alone while her sister goes for THREE DAYS to party in Vegas.'” – Longjumping_Hat_2672
“NTA. Listen to your husband. He sounds like a saint. Just because you can’t have kids doesn’t mean you are childless by choice.”
“That choice was literally taken from you. So sorry for that. Your sister is just clueless and heartless.”
“Don’t apologize, but maybe after a couple of weeks or whenever the dust has settled, sit your sister down and spell it out for her. The hurt, the frustration, the anger, and how what she says is just mean. Or don’t say anything and you still wouldn’t be the AH.” – GardenSafe8519
“It’s pretty messed up that OP’s sister felt entitled to that level of help and then turned it around to say OP was being ‘bitter and jealous’ when she called her out. OP’s sister crossed a major line by making such an insensitive comment about her infertility, and yet somehow, OP is the one expected to apologize?”
“That’s not fair at all. OP has every right to stand up for herself, especially when her boundaries were being disrespected. It’s not cruel to call someone out when they’ve said something hurtful; it’s just standing up for yourself.”
“The real issue here is how her sister tried to guilt-trip her into something without considering her situation and feelings.” – angelmagicxo
The subReddit could not believe that anyone was expecting the OP to apologize for this situation, especially her mother who should understand how important being a mother and having children had been to her.
It was clear the OP’s sister needed to think about her priorities.
Having a child changes a person’s life, and while they can still have many adventures and weekends away, they also need to plan accordingly. Shaming their sister for being “child-free” is not the way to do it.