Content Warning: Infertility, Infertility Shaming
While not everyone wants to have children, not everyone is able to have children, either, and unfortunately, sometimes those who want to have children are unable to.
Coming to that conclusion is nothing short of devastating, empathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor yourfavbruna had always wanted to have children but was unable to, while her younger sister already had her first child.
Her sister made comments that she meant as comments about how good she was with children, but when she said that her older sister should be grateful for the opportunity to be around her child, the Original Poster (OP) found the comment to be too cruel to ignore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not babysitting my sister's kid after she said my infertility makes me the 'perfect aunt'?"
The OP was devastated by not being able to have children.
"I (32 Female) found out last year that I can't have children. It was devastating."
"I don't really want to get into the medical side of it here, but it's been a hard pill to swallow. I've been in therapy, trying to process everything, and honestly, it's been rough."
"My husband (34 Male) has been amazing through all of it. We've talked about maybe adopting someday, but right now I'm still just grieving."
The OP's sister was oblivious to what she was going through.
"My younger sister (29 Female) had a baby about eight months ago."
"She's always been kind of… oblivious? Like, she doesn't mean to be rude, but sometimes the stuff that comes out of her mouth is just wild."
"Anyway, ever since the baby was born, she's been hinting that I should help out more."
"She'll say things like, 'You're so good with him, you were meant to be a mom,' or 'He LOVES you, you've got that maternal energy,' which I guess is sweet on the surface, but also makes me feel like crap because… I can't actually be a mom."
But then the OP's sister demanded something she couldn't look past.
"Then last week, she asked if I could watch the baby for three days straight while she and her boyfriend went on a last-minute trip to Vegas."
"THREE. DAYS. Not even like, 'Can you watch him for a few hours?' or 'We're asking in advance.'"
"I work full-time from home, and I literally can't just drop everything to play nanny, so I told her no."
"She got weirdly passive-aggressive and said, 'Well, I just thought since you don't have kids, and probably never will, you'd appreciate the experience. Some of us don't get time off from being moms, you know.'"
"I just stared at her. Like, what the actual f**k?!"
"That's when I snapped and said, 'You know what? Maybe you should've thought of that before having a baby with someone who treats you like a backup plan. I'm not your free babysitter just because my uterus doesn't work.'"
"She got all teary and said I was being 'bitter and jealous' and that I should be grateful to have a baby in my life at all."
The OP was facing mixed reactions from the people around her.
"We haven't spoken since."
"My mom says I was cruel to her and that I should apologize. My husband says she had it coming."
"I feel like I maybe could've kept my cool better, but like… I'm just so tired of people acting like being childless means I'm supposed to step in whenever someone else needs help with theirs."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were convinced the sister was the AH, not at all the OP.
"NTA. Your sister is entitled and spoiled, and when she didn't get her way, she poked the bear, said something extremely hurtful, and deserved everything you said to her."
"Also, screw your mom for taking your sister's side." - Extension-Path-2209
"My kid was two years old the first time I was away from them overnight, and I thought I was going to die. I couldn't do three days away with my kid being under a year. I barely do that now!" - ZealousIdeal_Mix2830
"OP, newsflash. Your sister isn't oblivious. She KNOWS she is being mean. She just doesn't care that she hurts other people's feelings."
"She wants to gaslight you into being grateful for time with her child, ANY child, so that you'll babysit every chance you get, my guess is for free. And being the younger sister, I'm SURE she likes feeling like she has the upper hand on you, being able to have children when you biologically can't, and reminding you of that every chance she gets." - CuriousPenguineSocks
"NTA. Her sister really thought she was the victim here? Like, oh, I was just trying to help, and thought you'd wanna experience it since you probably won't... girl, what?! That was straight up a low blow."
"And what the f**k is up with their mom taking her side??"
"Honestly, OP handled it way better than I ever could. I'd have snapped way earlier. NTA." - CookySpooky
"100% NTA. I find it hard to believe that she doesn't realize how offensive she is. And if she doesn't realize it, she should. And your mother is nuts if she thinks you're the one who is cruel here."
"And you know what parents do when they make plans that don't involve their kids? They pay babysitters." - Anonymoosehead123
"Your sister made a choice you wish you had the ability to make. If you could, I bet you would do anything and never bother anyone if that is what it took."
"The fact that she weaponized something you have no control over for something as optional as a Vegas trip..."
"As a Mother, I understand it takes a Village and whatnot. But not everyone has one, and those who do know that you DO NOT P**S THE VILLAGE OFF. Your sister just f**ked up big time."
"Time to step out of the Village. NTA." - e_l_r
Others agreed and could not imagine what world in which the OP would need to apologize.
"YOU have to apologise? Jes*s f**king Chr**t, you're NTA. I was just astonished that someone could say something so callously hurtful and then get support for it from your mother." - Top-Put2038
"Sure, OP, you can apologize... Sure:"
"'Sis, I am sorry you are a cruel, self-centered, insensitive to the feelings of others, and somehow overly sensitive about your own feelings, b***h. It must be so hard for you to live, knowing others find you intolerable to be around. Forgive me for pointing out your obvious flaws.'"
"There, see? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. NTA." - throwawtphone
"OP, you don't need to apologize to your sister, but if you want to apologize to your mom, do it like this: 'I'm sorry you failed in your parenting of my sister and raised someone who is so self-centered, makes poor life choices, and thinks she can be carelessly cruel to other people with no consequences.'"
"'Oh, and that you're an irresponsible id**t and bad mother, wanting your daughter who is still grieving her inability to have children, to agree to babysit her niece for three days alone while her sister goes for THREE DAYS to party in Vegas.'" - Longjumping_Hat_2672
"NTA. Listen to your husband. He sounds like a saint. Just because you can't have kids doesn't mean you are childless by choice."
"That choice was literally taken from you. So sorry for that. Your sister is just clueless and heartless."
"Don't apologize, but maybe after a couple of weeks or whenever the dust has settled, sit your sister down and spell it out for her. The hurt, the frustration, the anger, and how what she says is just mean. Or don't say anything and you still wouldn't be the AH." - GardenSafe8519
"It's pretty messed up that OP's sister felt entitled to that level of help and then turned it around to say OP was being 'bitter and jealous' when she called her out. OP's sister crossed a major line by making such an insensitive comment about her infertility, and yet somehow, OP is the one expected to apologize?"
"That's not fair at all. OP has every right to stand up for herself, especially when her boundaries were being disrespected. It's not cruel to call someone out when they've said something hurtful; it's just standing up for yourself."
"The real issue here is how her sister tried to guilt-trip her into something without considering her situation and feelings." - angelmagicxo
The subReddit could not believe that anyone was expecting the OP to apologize for this situation, especially her mother who should understand how important being a mother and having children had been to her.
It was clear the OP's sister needed to think about her priorities.
Having a child changes a person's life, and while they can still have many adventures and weekends away, they also need to plan accordingly. Shaming their sister for being "child-free" is not the way to do it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp