Cancer treatment takes a toll on every part of a person's life.
That is why people sometimes want to celebrate beating it in special ways.
Redditor SmallCatBigMeow wanted to discuss his experience and get feedback, so he naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to travel with my brother's family because his kids only eat junk food?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (M[ale] 39) am currently undergoing cancer treatment."
"At the end of it all, I am planning to take a holiday with a friend or family member to travel to the other side of the world."
"I am based in the U[nited] K[ingdom] and I am thinking Vietnam, South Korea, Japan, or somewhere around there where I have never been."
"I asked my brother (M 43) if he would consider coming with me."
"He got very excited and said his daughter (F[emale] 12) and son (M 8) would also come along."
"They are both incredibly picky eaters, and my niece only eats plain beige foods."
"She won't even have a burger at McDonalds, just chips and nuggets, and that's pretty much 80% of the kids' diet."
"I know my brother and his wife have tried hard to introduce them to other foods, but they just won't eat it."
"I love the two kids to bits, I really do."
"However, I want to travel to experience the food culture, which is a major part of it for me."
"I want to get off the beaten path and experience things in life I haven't been brave enough to experience before."
"For me, selfishly, this trip is about the end of my cancer and celebrating that there is life after cancer."
"It's also not something I can easily afford."
"This is where I might be the a**hole."
"I asked my brother to come travel with me, and when he said his kids would come too, I told him I would rather travel with someone else."
"He got disappointed and angry with me and frustrated that I didn't want to travel with his family."
"He feels I am being selfish as traveling with his children can also be fulfilling."
"I would also like to spend time with them and do some child-friendly things during the holiday."
"He had already gotten my niece and nephew excited about the travel, too."
"To make things worse, we live in different countries, so we don't see each other a lot."
"They will be very disappointed when they learn I have pulled the plug on the plans."
"I feel conflicted."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. Even if these kids were willing to try everything, kids that age still need to have almost everything edited to suit their needs."
"This would be a holiday for them, with you tagging along."
"Find someone else to go with, or really brave it and go by yourself." ~ International-Fee255
"OP had an idea to go on this trip and had a very clear idea of what it was about."
"Not wanting to deviate from that isn't selfish."
"It's setting a boundary."
"I think we've become so quick to label any action where someone refuses to bend over backward to accommodate others as selfish that we forget it's okay to set boundaries and respect your own needs." ~ Putrid_Performer2509
"Yeah, it's not selfish."
"The trip is 'go off the beaten track and eat new foods, like Anthony Bourdain or something.'"
"Kids eat nuggets only."
"These things don't mix."
"So this trip is not for kids."
"Plan a second trip with the kids to another place."
"Traveling internationally with picky eaters would be a nightmare."
"Picky eaters under 10? Noooope. NTA." ~ MaddyKet
"I traveled to Japan with family a few years ago to visit a family member living there at the time."
"NONE of them are adventurous eaters and would seek out McDonald's when possible."
"I barely eat fast food while home in the US, and NEVER while traveling."
"I ventured away from the group numerous times and ate alone often."
"It was wonderful!"
"You're NTA because doing this with adults was ok; children won't understand." ~ SizeAdministrative85
"Yes, this!"
"OP isn't selfish."
"They planned a trip and asked brother to join."
"Brother tried to hijack it."
"When OP told his brother that this wasn't a kid trip, the brother threw a fit."
"THAT is selfish."
"I'd bet OP is willing to make compromises for brother, just not 'Yah, let's bring your young picky eaters on this trip designed to experience new and interesting cuisines in other countries.'"
"OP has said one of the main reasons they want to take the trip is for the food."
"It makes no sense to bring along two people who don't like food."
"OP's brother can decline the invite and then take the kids on a trip himself, or he can go on the trip as offered, or he can go on TWO trips, one with his kids and one with OP."
"Whatever is chosen, OP gets to go on the trip they planned during their +cancer treatment+."
"OP I hope this is resolved quickly and that your treatment goes well."
"Try to stay as upbeat as possible and stay healthy."
"Feed your body all those good foods and let it help to heal you."
"Best wishes!!!" ~ Beanz4ever
"Why is it selfish to have the boundary of no kids?"
"OP doesn't have kids!"
"And truly, I would never travel with kids that weren't mine on a trip like this that OP planned for their enjoyment."
"Putting kids into this is NOT for OP's enjoyment and celebration."
"It is not selfish to say no to adding children to an adult's trip."
"It's selfish to push your kids into someone else's trip and change the whole damm thing! NTA." ~ West_House_2085
"I have two kids, who I love to bits."
"I wouldn't take them on this trip, and I absolutely would not invite them along on my sibling's once-in-a-lifetime trip."
"I will never forget visiting Rome and watching all the American teens and preteens whining in some of the most stunningly beautiful places I've seen."
"You're NTA but it was a huge jerk move of your brother to invite his kids without discussing it with you."
"If I were him, I'd be excited to take a solo trip with my sibling." ~ nola_t
"I think it's really presumptuous of your brother to just assume you were OK with his kids coming along after YOU invited HIM."
"Tell him it's his bad for blabbing to the kids about it when you never actually said to bring them."
"That you love his kids to pieces but this is an adult trip, and if he wants to come he leaves the kids at home this time." ~ Novel_Fox
"Yeah, why did brother want to bring them along?"
"Kids change the dynamics of a trip a lot, especially young ones."
"It becomes less a trip about you and your brother having fun and being adventurous to a trip where there might be tantrums, screaming, and changing of plans to cater to them."
"It'd be a completely different experience from what you envisioned so NTA." ~ NoGarage7989
"NTA. Food is a huge reason to experience other cultures, and you're going to spend a lot of mealtimes at McDonalds instead of anywhere worth visiting a foreign country for."
"Also, a holiday with kids in tow is very different to one of just adults."
"He was the one who told them about it after he unfairly expected them to be able to come without it changing anything."
"You're in the clear."
"Hope you manage to find someone else to go with."
"Dreaming of making such a trip myself!" ~ arseholierthanthou
"NTA, traveling with kids would make your trip everything, but what do you want it to be?"
"Your brother should be more understanding."
"Trying new food is an adult experience."
"Not only do adults react differently when they don't like something but also certain foods are not good for kids."
"What could cause an adult to have diarrhea for a kid could be much worse."
"And kids could even be allergic to certain stuff without knowing." ~ thefinestporcelain
"NTA. Your brother is being a horrible parent."
"You are a reasonable adult to his childish thinking."
"He knows this is unreasonable, and he's attempting to bully you into a different celebration."
"Stand firm and explain why to the kids."
"Pull up Google Maps and show where there are almost no places for them to eat."
"They are old enough to hear the facts and decide to stay home."
"I'm sorry your older brother is being an AH."
"I'm an older sister who is older than him."
"As a wiser 'sibling,' always keep your joy and remember this is your beautiful life."
"It's too short for second-guessing ourselves."
"You know he's wrong, and you just need to stand strong."
"He's trying to make you uncomfortable, and you must not take on those vibes."
"Your vibes are joy and celebration of life."
"His is to bully you into a different trip that doesn't honor you. It's such that your older brother is selfish."
"On the plus side, I think this is the universe telling you he's not the person to have this trip with."
"I hope you have a wonderful trip and enjoy all the food." ~ Odd-Resource3025
"NTA, but maybe your brother doesn't feel it would be fair to travel without his kids."
"They're his family now so it's not unusual that he'd expect such major holiday plans to include them."
"If you were proposing a short haul weekend away, that would be a different matter, but a major holiday uses up a lot of annual leave that he may not feel he can sacrifice for a holiday without his kids." ~ BackgroundGate3
"NTA. I think planning the vacation on your terms is the most important takeaway here."
"This is going to give you a goal and something to look forward to at the end of all this."
"Your brother meant well, but their disappointment is his issue to deal with."
"Vacationing with kids is a much different experience than vacationing with adults, and it will make it a very different trip."
"I'm a mother with 2 young, picky kids that I love very much."
"I wouldn't dream of hijacking such an important trip."
"Your brother needs to take a step back and think about what this is really all about." ~ gregarious_panda
OP returned to chat...
"I am currently having cancer treatment."
"I only just started."
"I have grade 3, stage 3 thyroid cancer that is spread to the cervical spine."
"I have chemo now, started first round, and then surgery, then more chemo, and then radiation."
"The travel won't be until late 2026 at the earliest (God willing)."
"The travel will be 2 weeks."
"It's not a holiday to a tourist destination, and I look to go off the beaten path."
Reddit is here for you, OP.
This is your trip and your special journey.
You get to invite or not invite anyone you wish.
This isn't a quick weekend getaway, this is a life-changing experience to reflect on surviving another life-changing experience.
Hopefully, your brother and the kids will understand.
Good luck with everything!!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp