Having a baby involves a lot of planning for the big arrival. The last thing expectant parents need is someone throwing a spanner in the works.
A soon-to-be mum turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her mother's announcement regarding her labor and birth.
Yllomee asked:
"AITA for not allowing my mother to stay with us when I go into labour?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am expecting our second baby in August. Since we don't have any family nearby, we've arranged for our oldest child to stay with a friend when I go into labour."
"My mum, who lives five hours away, has taken two weeks off work around my due date and the following period. I was unaware of her specific plans until she announced she would be staying at our house."
"She knows we value our privacy and prefer not to have guests due to limited space and my partner's irregular/unsociable work hours."
"We recently moved to a larger house, but the spare bedroom is now the baby's nursery, fully furnished and decorated, with no room for even a single blow-up bed. My mum believes that because we have more space, she is entitled to stay with us."
"I struggle to spend more than a night with my mum due to her narcissistic and manipulative behaviour, which I've endured my whole life. When we visit her, it's usually a short stay."
"I don't want her around constantly before/after I give birth."
"So, AITA for not allowing her to stay with us and expecting her to book a B&B or hotel?"
"We don't need her here for the birth as we have other plans for our eldest; she's coming because she wants to."
"I am sure regardless of what/how I say it, she will blow it out of proportion."
"I absolutely can tell her no, and I will, but she will make an incredibly big deal about it, and cause some sort of drama that involves the rest of the family."
"She doesn't and won't see our perspective—just assume that I am being incredibly selfish. I will want and need time to recover and enjoy the newborn bubble, but she won't accept that as a good enough reason for her not to stay."
"I guess I'm just looking for justification that I'm not being out of line for making this decision."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I completely understand that she is coming to help us out, and believes that she is doing a helpful thing. So I can see it from her perspective."
"She has already shown frustration when I said she needed to ask before just assuming she was staying, so I know how it will go when I ask her not to stay at all."
"The reason we would prefer her not to stay is due to many different issues."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You can say yes and have her stress you out in your own home with a new baby, or you can say no and she will stress you out BUT be far from your home."
"If either way is commotion, do what is best for you and what you want. NTA."
"Reasons are for reasonable people, and with the unreasonable and narcissistic ones do what is best for you as there will be kvetching no matter what you do."
"And perhaps a 'no visitors in first two weeks' or something for all helps give you a barrier of time and doesn't single anyone out." ~ nycvoyageur
"Look at it this way: You will soon be dealing with lots of whining, crying, and complaining—and that's just your mother.
"It could be good practice for when your kid grows into a toddler. Tell her no. You don't need more stress. NTA." ~ blueavole
"Before you tell her no, write an email/text to your family explaining your decision. Tell her no then send the email/text right after so your story is out there first."
"You shouldn't have to explain yourself at all, but it sounds like she will have all the family harassing you. NTA." ~ LilyLuigi
"Don't waste that wonderful new baby haze on her bullsh*t. Tell her straight up no. She didn't ask and she can't impose herself."
"You don't want to look back on the birth of your second child with regrets that you couldn't enjoy and welcome them comfortably because you let a black hole void for attention take over."
"She will be angry either way it seems, so let her be angry far away from you. You can't waste your mental health on those who don't care about it. NTA." ~ peachesfordinner
"After you say no, don't explain why. 'We want to be alone with our baby for the first few weeks, so no, you can't come to stay. I'll let you know when we we're having visitors'."
"After that, the answer is 'No'. One word. No. It's a complete sentence. NTA." ~ SuluSpeaks
"OR you can tell her no and then block her and anyone else that causes drama. Who cares if she throws a fit? Let her be mad. It's only your problem if you allow it to be."
"'No mom. We are not having guests while I'm recovering from child birth. We will let people know when we are ready for company'."
"Cue mom's tantrum. 'Mom, I don't have time for this. I'm getting off the phone now'. Then hang up. If she calls back or texts you, ignore her. If she continues, block her."
"If she's not bringing positive things to your life, then she doesn't deserve to be in it. And your child doesn't deserve to be her next victim. NTA." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
"This is exactly what I was thinking. Both options suck. Saying no sucks less. NTA."
"OP shouldn't tell anyone when they go to the hospital, even if mom's allegedly five hours away. Maybe even tell the hospital to restrict 'guests' if such a thing is possible." ~ MyLlamaIsTyler
"From what I've read—including comments by nurses—you can definitely restrict "guests." Not just to the birth, but visiting at all in the hospital."
"There are often privacy laws that don't permit hospital staff to confirm a patient is in their hospital unless the patient has given permission to share the information with the person calling." ~ PotentialUmpire1714
"NTA. You know your mother blows things out of proportion regardless of what or how you say something, so don't worry about it. Tell your Mom 'No'."
"You don't owe her lodging just because she wants it. She's coming for two weeks and expects to stay with you, freshly postpartum, hormonal, exhausted and sore? No. Just no."
"'Mom, thank you for thinking of us, and we can't wait for you to meet baby, but you cannot stay with us when you come. We don't have the space. Here is a listing of local hotels, and AirBnBs'. Wash, rinse, repeat.
"She's going to freak no matter what, so why set yourself up for 336 hours of misery?" ~ SubstantialQuit2653
"NTA. Whatever she intends is definitely not for your benefit. This should be a hard no and a clear marker for the next stage of your life."
"If she stays nearby, access to you and your family should be determined by you, not by her." ~ diminishingpatience
"NTA. If you don't even need her there at all then she doesn't need to be there at all. Tell her 'NO', be firm.
"The way she's treated you and 'her narcissistic and manipulative behavior' means you can tell her not to come at all and you should have nothing to feel bad about. She is the only a**hole here."
"'...she will blow it out of proportion'. Too bad for her. If it were me, I would at least go low contact with her; and definitely not let her hang around for two weeks, whether she's at a hotel or not." ~ StonewallBrigade21
"NTA, do not bring any stress upon yourself when that baby arrives. Your mom can't improve her personality for the sake of your relationship with her, so she can't stay with you."
"She took time off work without telling you and invited herself to stay with you, so I'd go even further and tell her not to bother booking a room because she will not be allowed in the house. If you don't stand your ground, she will never improve." ~ phostachio
"NTA—tell her you wish she would have talked to you guys first because you had decided not to allow visitors during that time frame." ~ zolumad
"NTA. You are setting a reasonable boundary. Tell her she will have to stay somewhere else, and she van only visit when invited." ~ Excellent-Count4009
"NTA. You will be recovering & in no condition to deal with her narcissistic garbage, meaning she will likely see it as an opportunity to pick on you when you are weakened, much like she did when you were a child."
"Tell her you appreciate the offer, but you will let her know when you are open to visitors. You and your partner need to bond with your new baby, heal, and adapt to your new family unit." ~ BOOKjunkie000
The OP received plenty of backup for their decision.
Hopefully it empowers them to stand their ground and do what's best for them and their family.
Sorry, Mom, but uninvited houseguests are unwelcome.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.