Having a baby involves a lot of planning for the big arrival. The last thing expectant parents need is someone throwing a spanner in the works.
A soon-to-be mum turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her mother's announcement regarding her labor and birth.
Yllomee asked:
"AITA for not allowing my mother to stay with us when I go into labour?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am expecting our second baby in August. Since we don't have any family nearby, we've arranged for our oldest child to stay with a friend when I go into labour."
"My mum, who lives five hours away, has taken two weeks off work around my due date and the following period. I was unaware of her specific plans until she announced she would be staying at our house."
"She knows we value our privacy and prefer not to have guests due to limited space and my partner's irregular/unsociable work hours."
"We recently moved to a larger house, but the spare bedroom is now the baby's nursery, fully furnished and decorated, with no room for even a single blow-up bed. My mum believes that because we have more space, she is entitled to stay with us."
"I struggle to spend more than a night with my mum due to her narcissistic and manipulative behaviour, which I've endured my whole life. When we visit her, it's usually a short stay."
"I don't want her around constantly before/after I give birth."
"So, AITA for not allowing her to stay with us and expecting her to book a B&B or hotel?"
"We don't need her here for the birth as we have other plans for our eldest; she's coming because she wants to."
"I am sure regardless of what/how I say it, she will blow it out of proportion."
"I absolutely can tell her no, and I will, but she will make an incredibly big deal about it, and cause some sort of drama that involves the rest of the family."
"She doesn't and won't see our perspective—just assume that I am being incredibly selfish. I will want and need time to recover and enjoy the newborn bubble, but she won't accept that as a good enough reason for her not to stay."
"I guess I'm just looking for justification that I'm not being out of line for making this decision."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I completely understand that she is coming to help us out, and believes that she is doing a helpful thing. So I can see it from her perspective."
"She has already shown frustration when I said she needed to ask before just assuming she was staying, so I know how it will go when I ask her not to stay at all."
"The reason we would prefer her not to stay is due to many different issues."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You can say yes and have her stress you out in your own home with a new baby, or you can say no and she will stress you out BUT be far from your home."
"If either way is commotion, do what is best for you and what you want. NTA."
"Reasons are for reasonable people, and with the unreasonable and narcissistic ones do what is best for you as there will be kvetching no matter what you do."
"And perhaps a 'no visitors in first two weeks' or something for all helps give you a barrier of time and doesn't single anyone out." ~ nycvoyageur
"Look at it this way: You will soon be dealing with lots of whining, crying, and complaining—and that's just your mother.
"It could be good practice for when your kid grows into a toddler. Tell her no. You don't need more stress. NTA." ~ blueavole
"Before you tell her no, write an email/text to your family explaining your decision. Tell her no then send the email/text right after so your story is out there first."
"You shouldn't have to explain yourself at all, but it sounds like she will have all the family harassing you. NTA." ~ LilyLuigi
"Don't waste that wonderful new baby haze on her bullsh*t. Tell her straight up no. She didn't ask and she can't impose herself."
"You don't want to look back on the birth of your second child with regrets that you couldn't enjoy and welcome them comfortably because you let a black hole void for attention take over."
"She will be angry either way it seems, so let her be angry far away from you. You can't waste your mental health on those who don't care about it. NTA." ~ peachesfordinner
"After you say no, don't explain why. 'We want to be alone with our baby for the first few weeks, so no, you can't come to stay. I'll let you know when we we're having visitors'."
"After that, the answer is 'No'. One word. No. It's a complete sentence. NTA." ~ SuluSpeaks
"OR you can tell her no and then block her and anyone else that causes drama. Who cares if she throws a fit? Let her be mad. It's only your problem if you allow it to be."
"'No mom. We are not having guests while I'm recovering from child birth. We will let people know when we are ready for company'."
"Cue mom's tantrum. 'Mom, I don't have time for this. I'm getting off the phone now'. Then hang up. If she calls back or texts you, ignore her. If she continues, block her."
"If she's not bringing positive things to your life, then she doesn't deserve to be in it. And your child doesn't deserve to be her next victim. NTA." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
"This is exactly what I was thinking. Both options suck. Saying no sucks less. NTA."
"OP shouldn't tell anyone when they go to the hospital, even if mom's allegedly five hours away. Maybe even tell the hospital to restrict 'guests' if such a thing is possible." ~ MyLlamaIsTyler
"From what I've read—including comments by nurses—you can definitely restrict "guests." Not just to the birth, but visiting at all in the hospital."
"There are often privacy laws that don't permit hospital staff to confirm a patient is in their hospital unless the patient has given permission to share the information with the person calling." ~ PotentialUmpire1714
"NTA. You know your mother blows things out of proportion regardless of what or how you say something, so don't worry about it. Tell your Mom 'No'."
"You don't owe her lodging just because she wants it. She's coming for two weeks and expects to stay with you, freshly postpartum, hormonal, exhausted and sore? No. Just no."
"'Mom, thank you for thinking of us, and we can't wait for you to meet baby, but you cannot stay with us when you come. We don't have the space. Here is a listing of local hotels, and AirBnBs'. Wash, rinse, repeat.
"She's going to freak no matter what, so why set yourself up for 336 hours of misery?" ~ SubstantialQuit2653
"NTA. Whatever she intends is definitely not for your benefit. This should be a hard no and a clear marker for the next stage of your life."
"If she stays nearby, access to you and your family should be determined by you, not by her." ~ diminishingpatience
"NTA. If you don't even need her there at all then she doesn't need to be there at all. Tell her 'NO', be firm.
"The way she's treated you and 'her narcissistic and manipulative behavior' means you can tell her not to come at all and you should have nothing to feel bad about. She is the only a**hole here."
"'...she will blow it out of proportion'. Too bad for her. If it were me, I would at least go low contact with her; and definitely not let her hang around for two weeks, whether she's at a hotel or not." ~ StonewallBrigade21
"NTA, do not bring any stress upon yourself when that baby arrives. Your mom can't improve her personality for the sake of your relationship with her, so she can't stay with you."
"She took time off work without telling you and invited herself to stay with you, so I'd go even further and tell her not to bother booking a room because she will not be allowed in the house. If you don't stand your ground, she will never improve." ~ phostachio
"NTA—tell her you wish she would have talked to you guys first because you had decided not to allow visitors during that time frame." ~ zolumad
"NTA. You are setting a reasonable boundary. Tell her she will have to stay somewhere else, and she van only visit when invited." ~ Excellent-Count4009
"NTA. You will be recovering & in no condition to deal with her narcissistic garbage, meaning she will likely see it as an opportunity to pick on you when you are weakened, much like she did when you were a child."
"Tell her you appreciate the offer, but you will let her know when you are open to visitors. You and your partner need to bond with your new baby, heal, and adapt to your new family unit." ~ BOOKjunkie000
The OP received plenty of backup for their decision.
Hopefully it empowers them to stand their ground and do what's best for them and their family.
Sorry, Mom, but uninvited houseguests are unwelcome.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp