When two people decide to live together, they have to come to an agreement about some big decisions, including finances, whether both people will work, and how the home responsibilities will be split up.
If the arrangements are going to make one of the people unhappy, then another solution needs to be discovered, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor KookyMeat22 was happy for her husband when he got promoted at work, but when he suggested she quit her job to take on the home responsibilities, she recommended hiring a maid instead.
When he became angry with her for not wanting to take on the full responsibilities of the home, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to want to stay at her job.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for suggesting that my husband hire a maid instead of me staying home?"
The OP's husband recently got a promotion.
"My husband and I both work full-time. He recently got a promotion and he now makes twice what I do."
"Since he got the promotion, he has been pressuring me to quit my job and be a full-time housewife."
The OP knew why her husband suggested that.
"The reason that my husband is into this idea is because that would make me responsible for all the cooking and cleaning."
"Right now we split chores evenly since we both work similar hours, and I like that arrangement."
"My husband is not a fan, he hates having to do chores around the house."
The OP offered an alternate solution.
"I admit that I would love to not have to work, but the tradeoff being offered is not appealing to me."
"I suggested that my husband should use some of the extra income to hire a maid service, and then neither of us would have to do the chores."
"He accused me of 'just wanting to coast off of his money without doing anything' and has been annoyed all morning that I suggested it."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw immediate red flags come up from the husband's plan.
"Do not quit your job. Hiring a cleaning service while you work is 'coasting off his money,' yet he wants you to give up your source of income and depend on his money?"
"This is a man who wants to trap you, with no financials, no job, entirely dependant on him. Red flags."
"NTA." - Juliennix
"So he says you are 'coasting off his money,' but isn't he wanting to 'coast off your labor'?"
"NTA. And whatever you do, don't quit your job. Ever." - _plant_obsessed_9
"My Mom told all of us, both us girls and our brothers to always, always have your own savings account you put money into."
"My parents have only been married to each other and have been happily married for 40+ years but my Mom always stresses that anything can happen and you should always have your own money to get out of a bad situation."
"My sister didn't take that advice and got fucked by her awful ex-husband. I was in an abusive relationship and I was okay because I made sure to keep my stuff in my name and I had my own money." - MillieFrank
"Funny how she is coasting off of his money when she is going to work to make more money."
"He WANTS her to have to coast off his money. This is why it was his first lame excuse." - MooseTek
"Let's say that she left the job and is a stay-at-home partner, I would say the husband still should be ready to shoulder the burden of chores around the house."
"It's not easy managing a house and anyone doing so needs a break or at least some support." - Ekla_Chalo
Others agreed and urged the OP to continue with her job.
"Never give up your income. My sister did that and her hubby shouted his true colors. Alienated her from friends and family. She had to beg for money for 'extras'."
"Never changed. The divorce was nasty."
"Offer to pay part of the maid service. If he says no, well, then he's going to still have to do his chores just like it's set up now."
"Start building your own nest egg. My sister called hers 'run from nest' money. NTA." - Lawlesseyes
"OP, you don't want to have to start worrying about having to pack your husband's suitcases."
"All joking aside, I get a lot out of work, even working from home. I'm not sure how you feel about work vs homemaking (no offense to anyone who loves it but I cook and clean because I have to, not because It brings me enormous amounts of joy)."
"If you feel similarly, I wouldn't give up a decent position even if I wasn't worried about the income disparity potential control and abuse issue."
"The other issue is, once you are out of work for a little the harder it becomes to re-enter the workforce. I've known several, mostly moms, who stopped working due to kids, and most of them have been out less than a decade and are still struggling to find equivalent positions to what they had before they left." - Puzzled-Passion7255
"Never ever quit your job. It will set you back in whatever career you were in. You will find yourself in an indebted position where everything revolves around the sole earner. They'll justify treating you as a second-class citizen in your relationship because they work."
"I was a SAHM for a long time and when I went back to work, it was like I was starting over from the beginning career-wise. Relationship-wise, I was expected to do everything I was doing before when I was a SAHM along with working full-time while he did whatever he wanted because he was used to that and unwilling to change."
"Keep your job because you keep your ability to have independence. Do not give that up for anyone." - Internal-Test-5456
"He does realize that a cleaning service would be WAY cheaper than sharing his entire income with you?"
"Unless he wasn't going to share his income with you and only planned on giving you some kind of small allowance? Maybe less than you would pay a part-time maid?"
"This guy is wild and out of touch, and you absolutely cannot trust him to have your back and treat you as an equal if you quit your job." - Music_withRocks_In
"Do not give up your income, you will be trapped. When you are home, he will start to say that you do nothing all day and that you are coasting off his money for that."
"Something is very wrong, and you must have a way to support yourself." - judithaskew
A few thought the husband was overwhelmingly sexist.
"OH. So not only is he saying he wants her to quit her job so she can clean up after him and he can control the money... he's straight-up saying that her being the one to do the work is THE POINT."
"The other solution is her 'coasting' by not doing her job of being a housewife."
"That's why it doesn't work, because his problem isn't 'I don't wanna do the housework,' his problem is, 'I want you to be the one who has to do the housework.'" - mimosabloom
"A maid is going to be cheaper than supporting your non-working spouse, so he's willing to pay considerably more for the privilege of having OP do his chores than he is for a stranger to do them." - anarmchairexpert
"They should split the cost of the housekeeper between them. But if they are splitting the cost of the housekeeper equally, I sure hope that he is splitting his income equally with her just as she shares hers equally with him."
"Also, I guarantee that some degree of cleaning is still going to fall to OP because even if you have a housekeeper twice weekly and laundry service, there are still small daily cleaning tasks to be done."
"It doesn't sound like he is going to step up and do his share anymore."
"If his increased income comes with working greater hours and she maintains the same schedule, this distribution of labor would be fair, but otherwise he is being a jerk about his raise." - asecretnarwhal
While the OP felt conflicted about her husband's current pressuring of her to quit her job and take on all of the responsibilities of the home, the subReddit was more concerned about how telling this behavior was, especially when paired with her husband's resistance to the idea of hiring a cleaning service.
It seemed that not only did the husband want his wife to be dependent on his income, which he could control and hold over her, but it also seemed he wanted the satisfaction of knowing that his wife, and his wife alone, was completing the at-home duties and chores.
If this rang true for the OP, it seems there would be much more at play than whether or not to stick with a "meh" job.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.