When two people decide to live together, they have to come to an agreement about some big decisions, including finances, whether both people will work, and how the home responsibilities will be split up.
If the arrangements are going to make one of the people unhappy, then another solution needs to be discovered, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor KookyMeat22 was happy for her husband when he got promoted at work, but when he suggested she quit her job to take on the home responsibilities, she recommended hiring a maid instead.
When he became angry with her for not wanting to take on the full responsibilities of the home, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to want to stay at her job.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for suggesting that my husband hire a maid instead of me staying home?”
The OP’s husband recently got a promotion.
“My husband and I both work full-time. He recently got a promotion and he now makes twice what I do.”
“Since he got the promotion, he has been pressuring me to quit my job and be a full-time housewife.”
The OP knew why her husband suggested that.
“The reason that my husband is into this idea is because that would make me responsible for all the cooking and cleaning.”
“Right now we split chores evenly since we both work similar hours, and I like that arrangement.”
“My husband is not a fan, he hates having to do chores around the house.”
The OP offered an alternate solution.
“I admit that I would love to not have to work, but the tradeoff being offered is not appealing to me.”
“I suggested that my husband should use some of the extra income to hire a maid service, and then neither of us would have to do the chores.”
“He accused me of ‘just wanting to coast off of his money without doing anything’ and has been annoyed all morning that I suggested it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some saw immediate red flags come up from the husband’s plan.
“Do not quit your job. Hiring a cleaning service while you work is ‘coasting off his money,’ yet he wants you to give up your source of income and depend on his money?”
“This is a man who wants to trap you, with no financials, no job, entirely dependant on him. Red flags.”
“NTA.” – Juliennix
“So he says you are ‘coasting off his money,’ but isn’t he wanting to ‘coast off your labor’?”
“NTA. And whatever you do, don’t quit your job. Ever.” – _plant_obsessed_9
“My Mom told all of us, both us girls and our brothers to always, always have your own savings account you put money into.”
“My parents have only been married to each other and have been happily married for 40+ years but my Mom always stresses that anything can happen and you should always have your own money to get out of a bad situation.”
“My sister didn’t take that advice and got fucked by her awful ex-husband. I was in an abusive relationship and I was okay because I made sure to keep my stuff in my name and I had my own money.” – MillieFrank
“Funny how she is coasting off of his money when she is going to work to make more money.”
“He WANTS her to have to coast off his money. This is why it was his first lame excuse.” – MooseTek
“Let’s say that she left the job and is a stay-at-home partner, I would say the husband still should be ready to shoulder the burden of chores around the house.”
“It’s not easy managing a house and anyone doing so needs a break or at least some support.” – Ekla_Chalo
Others agreed and urged the OP to continue with her job.
“Never give up your income. My sister did that and her hubby shouted his true colors. Alienated her from friends and family. She had to beg for money for ‘extras’.”
“Never changed. The divorce was nasty.”
“Offer to pay part of the maid service. If he says no, well, then he’s going to still have to do his chores just like it’s set up now.”
“Start building your own nest egg. My sister called hers ‘run from nest’ money. NTA.” – Lawlesseyes
“OP, you don’t want to have to start worrying about having to pack your husband’s suitcases.”
“All joking aside, I get a lot out of work, even working from home. I’m not sure how you feel about work vs homemaking (no offense to anyone who loves it but I cook and clean because I have to, not because It brings me enormous amounts of joy).”
“If you feel similarly, I wouldn’t give up a decent position even if I wasn’t worried about the income disparity potential control and abuse issue.”
“The other issue is, once you are out of work for a little the harder it becomes to re-enter the workforce. I’ve known several, mostly moms, who stopped working due to kids, and most of them have been out less than a decade and are still struggling to find equivalent positions to what they had before they left.” – Puzzled-Passion7255
“Never ever quit your job. It will set you back in whatever career you were in. You will find yourself in an indebted position where everything revolves around the sole earner. They’ll justify treating you as a second-class citizen in your relationship because they work.”
“I was a SAHM for a long time and when I went back to work, it was like I was starting over from the beginning career-wise. Relationship-wise, I was expected to do everything I was doing before when I was a SAHM along with working full-time while he did whatever he wanted because he was used to that and unwilling to change.”
“Keep your job because you keep your ability to have independence. Do not give that up for anyone.” – Internal-Test-5456
“He does realize that a cleaning service would be WAY cheaper than sharing his entire income with you?”
“Unless he wasn’t going to share his income with you and only planned on giving you some kind of small allowance? Maybe less than you would pay a part-time maid?”
“This guy is wild and out of touch, and you absolutely cannot trust him to have your back and treat you as an equal if you quit your job.” – Music_withRocks_In
“Do not give up your income, you will be trapped. When you are home, he will start to say that you do nothing all day and that you are coasting off his money for that.”
“Something is very wrong, and you must have a way to support yourself.” – judithaskew
A few thought the husband was overwhelmingly sexist.
“OH. So not only is he saying he wants her to quit her job so she can clean up after him and he can control the money… he’s straight-up saying that her being the one to do the work is THE POINT.”
“The other solution is her ‘coasting’ by not doing her job of being a housewife.”
“That’s why it doesn’t work, because his problem isn’t ‘I don’t wanna do the housework,’ his problem is, ‘I want you to be the one who has to do the housework.'” – mimosabloom
“A maid is going to be cheaper than supporting your non-working spouse, so he’s willing to pay considerably more for the privilege of having OP do his chores than he is for a stranger to do them.” – anarmchairexpert
“They should split the cost of the housekeeper between them. But if they are splitting the cost of the housekeeper equally, I sure hope that he is splitting his income equally with her just as she shares hers equally with him.”
“Also, I guarantee that some degree of cleaning is still going to fall to OP because even if you have a housekeeper twice weekly and laundry service, there are still small daily cleaning tasks to be done.”
“It doesn’t sound like he is going to step up and do his share anymore.”
“If his increased income comes with working greater hours and she maintains the same schedule, this distribution of labor would be fair, but otherwise he is being a jerk about his raise.” – asecretnarwhal
While the OP felt conflicted about her husband’s current pressuring of her to quit her job and take on all of the responsibilities of the home, the subReddit was more concerned about how telling this behavior was, especially when paired with her husband’s resistance to the idea of hiring a cleaning service.
It seemed that not only did the husband want his wife to be dependent on his income, which he could control and hold over her, but it also seemed he wanted the satisfaction of knowing that his wife, and his wife alone, was completing the at-home duties and chores.
If this rang true for the OP, it seems there would be much more at play than whether or not to stick with a “meh” job.