Like nearly everything, someone's tone can be easily misinterpreted or misunderstood.
Sometimes, if the words we say might suggest we are paying a compliment, the tone we say those words in might lead people to think otherwise.
Conversely, a lack of tone could also cause confusion regarding something put in writing.
Of course, sometimes no matter what someone's tone was trying to accomplish, the person they were speaking to might have a preconceived notion of what they "really" meant.
Which, in all likelihood, was not what they "really meant" at all.
A recent Redditor was preparing for a major visit to her home in the kitchen, alongside her boyfriend's father.
When it came time to clean up, the original poster (OP) thought that she had offered her boyfriend's father a helpful piece of advice.
Her boyfriend's father, on the other hand, thought quite the opposite, resulting in him putting the OP in her place.
Shocked and confused by his reaction, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for simply asking my boyfriend's dad to put a plate in the cabinet?"
The OP explained how she found herself at odds with her boyfriend's father while cleaning up the kitchen:
"Short story short, I was making a cream pie with fruits on top, strawberries kiwis mango etc."
"I was in the kitchen finishing it off and my boyfriend's dad (I'll call him S) was finishing off a dish he was making."
"My boyfriend's grandpa was coming over at 6pm so S was making things for him in advance and I was making the pie."
"So the clock hits 6pm and his grandpa is supposed to come at any minute, so S rushes and cleans the counters and asks me to 'hurry', so I grab some things to put away but said I was slow and not fast enough."
"I put the pie in the freezer and get two other things to put away in a second fridge."
"A plate, which was the only thing on the counter and something I was no longer using, was in his way of cleaning."
"As I carried two other things to put in the garage fridge, I said to S, 'You can put that plate away if you want, it's clean' in a normal, non-b*tchy or bossy tone."
"I come back inside to clean away the berries, and S says behind me, '[My name], don't ever tell me to put things away like that again' in a serious tone, which I never heard from him before."
"I'm ashamed of it but I'm a pretty sensitive person, if I'm only nice and respectful to a person and suddenly they snap at me like this it's hard for me to act the same way again."
"I don't know if anyone else here is like this, but it happens to me a lot."
"Once this happens, I feel the urge to get lost and not be seen again for the rest of the day (I grew up in a severely abusive home)."
"After he said that to me, I left."
"I told my boyfriend this, and he sides with his dad, of course, and says what I did was very disrespectful."
"I personally do not see this and I want to know if I was an a**hole here."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for asking S to put a plate away.
The Reddit community was equally shocked by S's reaction to the OP. Many even urged the OP to consider whether or not staying in this relationship seriously was a good idea, as S's behavior could be indicative of her boyfriend's:
"'When people show you who they are, believe them the first time'."
"Stefan just showed you who he is - an imperious crank who thinks it's just fine to snap at you in your own home."
"Unfortunately, your BF seems to think that Stefan's behavior was just dandy and that this is all YOUR fault."
"Which it isn't, and you are NTA."
"Watch your BF's behavior very, very carefully from now on to see if this was just a fluke or if he really IS practicing to turn into a younger version of Stefan (who puts them there womenfolk in their place, by golly, whenever one of 'em gets so uppity as to ask him to, y'know, put away a dish!)"
"If he really IS turning into a mini-Stefan, ask yourself if you want to live like this for the rest of your life."- Royal-House-5478
"Given how Stefan was reacting to his father's imminent arrival, I get the sense that your boyfriend comes from a long line of men who are very exacting in their expectations of others."
"I think Stefan may have been under stress when he reacted like that, but it wasn't an impulsive response."
"And your boyfriend definitely showed you who he is, especially if he used the language in your mod explanation that you 'told a man what to do'."
"I don't think this will be a healthy relationship for you."
"NTA."- FreeFortuna
"NTA."
"You got told off for being disrespectful for.. clarifying that a plate was clean and could be safely put away when everyone was busily tidying up?"
"I would tend to believe that Stefan is stressed out, rushing to get everything ship-shape before his dad shows up, and misinterpreted your words as some kind of order."
"He likely felt you weren't hustling fast enough, and that put you in a bad place in his mind, so he was already primed to read your words in the worst light."
"None of this excuses him for treating you like a disrespectful child when you are actively helping out."
"I mean you baked a damn pie for him!"
"I appreciate that you're not a confrontational person. You've had a life that has trained you to avoid that, but the appropriate thing to do was stand up for yourself or clarify that it wasn't an order."
"Frankly I would ask myself whether I wanted to remain in a relationship that puts me in contact with Stefan anymore."
"He's apparently unpredictable when he's stressed, and that's not something you need in your life."
"I would also seriously question your relationship with BF, because he ought to have your back and has opted to side with his dad regardless of the sense of it."
"If you haven't got your partner's back, you aren't partners, just people who live together and go through the motions."
"Talk to your Boyfriend about it again, tell him what you told us, and if he isn't changing his tune, ditch him."
"You can do better than a partner who doesn't support you and a father-in-law who hears the worst interpretations of innocent comments."
"Find someone who consistently treats you with respect and love because you deserve that much."-
Ruadhan2300
"NTA."
"Maybe the fact that you grew up in an abusive home is blinding you to this, but your boyfriend and his dad are both so far out in the wrong that it's odd you're even questioning yourself."
"Question your relationship instead."
"This is not the family you want to marry into if just asking nicely to put away a plate has your FiL snapping at you and the worse part is that your boyfriend would even suggest you're in the wrong for 'telling a man what to do'."
"Exit that relationship safely ASAP, and maybe consider learning about healthy relationships before you get in a new one."
"Growing up in an abusive home makes it more likely to miss the red flags until it's too late."- Viio_o
"NTA."
"His dad is though."
"I wouldn't offer to do anything for them again."
"Yes, I'm the same way too."
"I could be biased, but I think that's a normal reaction for a sensitive person."
"Honestly, I'd never forget it, and I'd never feel the same about him."
"I'd judge the BF over him siding with his father."
"I even get that way if other people get treated that way."
"I will never again respect the person being the jerk."
"Normal or not, it's who you are."
"Don't apologize to him."
"You did nothing wrong."- Crafting_with_Kyky
"NTA."
"This was a weird situation starting from where you were told to hurry because the grandfather was about to arrive."
"It's fine if someone arrives and meal prep/clean up is still happening."
"This family's environment does not sound like a good place for you to be."- madra_crainn
It's hard to imagine just what it was about the OP giving "S" the option of putting away a clean plate that turned him off as much as it did.
While we can't be too sure, such behavior often stems from insecure men who don't like women telling them what to do.
If this is the case, one can't help but think the Reddit community might be right in urging the OP to seriously consider if staying in this relationship is a good idea.
As the apple seldom falls very far from the tree...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp