Honesty is always the best policy.
Be that as it may, we've all been guilty of lying at one point or another.
Sometimes, it's to protect the feelings of those who matter to us.
Other times, however, it's purely to protect us.
Whatever the reason people may lie, they usually make the difficult discovery that the truth has a way of getting out.
The sister of Redditor Wild_Kitchen_2841was soon to be married.
The original poster (OP) was somewhat surprised that her sister didn't want their mother to attend the wedding, which led the OP to decide to skip it as well.
Even more surprising to the OP was that her sister lied to the rest of their family about why she excluded her mother from their wedding. After the OP set her family straight, her sister was not at all pleased.
Wondering if they did the right thing, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding?"
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with her sister:
"My sister is getting married this year, and she invited me but did not invite our mother cause she has dementia, and though it would be too much for her."
"I told her mom was still okay to travel and stuff."
"Told her I still travel with her often l, our mom always wanted to travel and see the world, so I do my best to take her to as many new places I can while she can still travel."
"I kept insisting that she was fine to travel and would mean the world to our mom."
"Later, she told me it was just too hard to see Mom the way she is."
"Our mom was the strongest and most dependable person either of us knew."
"She is no longer that."
"I don't agree with the reason, but I said fine, told her if mom cannot come, then I am not coming."
"She was upset cause she wanted me to walk her down."
"We left it at that. This was around a month ago."
"Fast forward to last Saturday, it was my aunt's birthday, I called to wish and sing her happy birthday with mom."
"After we did that, my aunt said her sister looks great, it is a shame she is not up to traveling anymore."
"I asked her what she meant by that?"
"Told her we still travel, we're going to Europe at the beginning of July."
"She said my sister told her that our mom was not going because traveling is hard for her now."
"I told my aunt that is not true, I told her the truth my sister did not want our mom to come cause she did not want to see her as she is."
"I told her I was invited, but said I would not go without our mom."
"My aunt was clearly shocked and upset."
"Turns out aunt got busy and told a bunch of people, and it spread like wildfire."
"I do not know how many exactly are not going, but I know many are not."
"Aunt made a Facebook post, which you know, for older folks that spreads quickly."
"My sister is livid with me, I was just being honest, but she feels i should have kept my mouth shut."
"She claims I have ruined her wedding twice now."
"Once because I refuse to walk her down, and now this."
"AITA?"
The OP later shared a bit more information regarding her mother's condition in the comments:
"She can talk, she does remember us, but not as we are, but who we are to her."
"We are little kids to her."
"She still would enjoy it, she loves meeting and be around people."
"She knows we are important people to her, but cannot explain why."
"What distress?"
"Because of the crowds?"
"We travel all the time, we just took a trip to Japan in December, and she was fine."
"We are going to Europe for a month in July."
"She has gone to extended parties also, recently went to a family members college graduation and party afterwards."
"Dementia is not a one-size-fits-all; everyone is different."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**Hole for sharing the truth with the rest of her family.
Many felt that the OP was justified, feeling that if the topic of her mother not being at the wedding was bound to come up, and the truth was bound to come out:
"If your sister didn’t want anyone to know about a sh*tty thing she did, she could have just not done a sh*tty thing."
"NTA."- Abject-Stick-7390
"NTA."
"Why would you tell a lie?"
"Your sister’s the one who lied and got caught, and now she’s facing the consequences of her actions."- StJmagistra
Others, however, had trouble sympathizing with the OP, particularly after learning more about their mother's condition:
"Ok, after checking the comment, it is a clear YTA."
"Your mother states is clearly advanced enough that it is reasonable to doubt whether any travel or party would be good for her."
"You and your sister clearly disagree on this."
"But the way you framed the story in this post was clearly manipulative."
"And I am confident you were as manipulative with extended family."
"The fact you are traveling regularly with her is no proof it is good for her."
"I wouldn't even be surprised your sister tried to talk to you about it multiple times."
"You should immediately defuse the situation."
"Talk to extended family about how your disagreement on the health state of your mother is no reason to not attend your sister's wedding."
"Seek compromise."- Affectionate-Tie3250
"YTA."
"I was leaning toward ESH, but after seeing your comments you're clearly TA."
"People keep explaining to you why your sister has acted like she did (which was not the right way, yes), and all you can think about is how to defend yourself and point fingers at her."
"Not once have you reflected on how complicated things can be for her regarding your mother not recognizing her."
"The wedding stuff apart, you're destroying your relationship with your sister because you don't like how she lives your mom's decline."- LunaHoopla
While some didn't think there was an a**hole in this scenario, feeling that both the OP and her sister were, in their own way, considering what would be best for their mother:
"I’ll take the unpopular version here and vote NAH."
"It sounds like you and your sister may have differing views of your mother’s capacities right now."
"To you, she is capable of traveling because she is physically able and you can care for her."
"But I also see how your sister might take a different view of whether she should be traveling."
"It took me two minutes to lose my mom in a crowd when I thought she was right behind me, and she had no capacity for finding me or her way home."
"Your sister may legitimately be worried about that."
"It doesn’t sound like your mom would necessarily understand that she was at your sister’s wedding and, as someone who has had family members with dementia, it can be a challenge—they can wander, they can get upset and confused, they can even get aggressive."
"It’s not easy."
"Not for you, not for your sister, not for your family, and not for your mom."
"Framing it as your sister lying just seems to make a hard situation worse all around."- xlmnop123
The OP later returned with an update, trying to clarify a few things about her familial situation, as well as her mother's condition, and where things currently stood:
"Thanks for the feedback."
"I do wish to clear some things up, since people would like to know her stage she is at the mild to moderate stage."
"Her not recognizing us as her children has been explained as possible agnosia due to her freak stroke or time shifting."
"They don't know the cause of the stroke either."
"She does recognize us as people who are extremely important to us, she remembers our birthdays and important dates, but to her, she is still a 30-something-year-old."
"She knows our names and will tell us she has kids with the same name."
"Her doctors find the stage stuff silly cause everyone is different and does not always fit neatly into categories."
"Before people ask, apparently because of the stroke, the treatments may not be as effective, but she is on one of the infusions."
"Our mother's sole source of income is her survivor benefits; she makes around $2400 a month."
"She has Medicaid at the request of many, but that turned out to be useless and annoying."
"We have tried to get services, but her physical functionality does not make her eligible cause she technically can cook, meal prep, clean, answer a phone, etc., and was told safety and supervision is not covered under Medicaid and was not going to fight for scraps."
"I did not think it was necessary to mention how I made money, but for some, it appears I do cause I am being accused of being a mooch."
"Both my sister and I got our money from a large life insurance policy and leftovers from our father's estate, who left our mom with nothing."
"She got the survivor benefits cause they were married for over 10 years."
"Went to school for electrical power engineering, went to A&M graduated, did some consulting work at a local firm, long before mom got sick I worked at a Chemical plant in PA as their EE did not have many expenses so i saved majority of my income." Worked my way to a grade of mid-grade 5, was promoted to a people role, which was not fun, but the pay was much better. Then Mom got sick and pretty much just coasting, I know the money will not last but hopefully finding a job will not be all that hard future."
"Since people commented they wanted the story, not a fun one, but yeah."
"My precautions for when we travel, I do it to be on the safe side."
"I hold her hand either way, and I follow her lead. We take our time and see the sights."
"Does she recall what she saw, not really, which is what makes her dementia weird, even for her doctors cause her word recall during the assessments is not bad."
"I don't sweat the small stuff; what matters most is if she is having fun."
"She tells me she is having fun so that is good enough for me."
"We have never had an issue while traveling. People are generally very friendly when she hugs them."
"I explain she has dementia and we go on with our day."
"For the most part, it seems to make people happy."
"Maybe those are fake smiles but either way nothing bad as happened yet."
"The leash really is just a safety thing; my mom used them for us also just to be safe."
"Did not think so many would have issue with it."
"I truly do not believe my sister actually was concerned about the traveling issue, since when pushed, what exactly her concerns about traveling were, she never gave me a straight answer."
"I asked her to explain what she meant by too much, but there was no straight answer either."
"The only straightforward answer I got was when she told me it was just too hard to see Mom that way."
"I did not agree but I left it at that cause she gave me a straight answer."
"I corrected my aunt cause she was confused by what my sister had said and what she saw."
"Thus why I asked her who told her mom could not travel."
"In hindsight, I should have known it was my sister, and should have toed the line a little better instead of just being blunt about it."
"I hope that fills in the gaps. I am done."
"Have a good one."
It's easy to understand why the OP would be upset that her sister doesn't want their mother at her wedding.
However, is the OP's sister being selfish, or just doing what she thinks is best for her mother?
Something the OP may have given more consideration to before sharing the truth with the rest of their family.
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