Relationships take compromise.
But there are certain things where compromise are a no go.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first.
Case in point…
Redditor Hangryhippoh wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for having a snack?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For background, I’m recovering from an eating disorder.”
“Part of my recovery means that if I’m hungry, I need to eat.”
“I need to get used to responding to hunger by eating.”
“If I don’t eat when I’m hungry it can become a habit, and I could relapse.”
“I know that’s hard for a lot of people to understand, but it’s the best way I can explain it.”
“I always carry snacks to accommodate this.”
“My boyfriend asked me to go to a family event with him at his aunt’s house.”
“Dinner was at 6:30, but the gathering started at four and we were on time.”
“Around 5:30 I started to feel hungry, so I ate a small granola bar from my purse to reinforce the eat when you’re hungry rule.”
“Dinner was at 6:30 and excellent.”
“When we left my boyfriend was upset.”
“He said I offended his family by eating a snack before dinner was served and implied they were bad hosts.”
“He said I should have waited.”
“I reminded him that I have to eat when I’m hungry.”
“He said dinner was in an hour and should have been sufficient to enforce the rule, but it doesn’t work that way.”
“I have to eat as soon as I realize I’m hungry or it’s a slippery slope that could lead to me going days without food.”
“Boyfriend was angry and accused me of just wanting attention and being inconsiderate.”
“Should I have waited? Was I being too rigid?”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA – seems to me it’s the other way around and he’s the one being too rigid.”
“You have a valid explanation as to why you had a snack and anyone in the know would be understanding of that.” ~ Zagriel55
“Plus it’s a granola bar.”
“That’s like the definition of a quick, easy, non-messy snack.”
“It’s not like she walked in there with a fast food bag, or asked to use their microwave to make a meal or something.”
I” definitely can relate, Ive had some food related issues before and when I get hungry if i wait to long to eat after a certain point I can’t anymore.”
“I’d definitely bring a quick easy snack to something if I was worried about it.” ~ t00muchnothing
“I also have problems recognizing my body’s hunger signals and end up skipping meals for days in a row, so whenever I do actually recognize it.”
“I make sure to try and eat something immediately.”
“Waiting an hour is usually gonna mean that I end up not eating.”
“OP is NTA at all, this is a medical necessity.”
“I don’t know if boyfriend is an AH or just not well-educated enough about the medical issue behind this.”
“But he needs to get on board fast.”
“Malnutrition is no joke, and if there’s an underlying eating disorder, a schedule is absolutely necessary to adhere to.” ~ HellhoundsAteMyBaby
“Yeah, as someone recovering from E[ating] D[isorder], this is what happens to me.”
It’s like you feel rewarded for feeling weak and starved, almost like a dopamine boost from feeling like you’re going to pass out.”
“Then if you get through it, you feel like you’ve banked up credit or something.”
“When you gotta eat, eat or you can fall back into this cycle.”
“One of the good things about food is all the ritual and community around it, and that focus can bring people together.”
“One of the bad things about food is all that ritual, community, and focus can become obsessive and judge mental.”
“And that is a major negative for people with ED or tendencies towards ED.”
“Oh, u/Hangryhippoh, NTA.”
“I’m glad you saw your health as more important than the boyfriend.” ~ Blackwater2016
“Agreed. My first thought would be diabetes as well, but that’s the background I recognize.”
“Also, OP ate her meal, so it’s not like she spoiled her appetite.”
“Sounds like all the issues lies on the boyfriend, not OP at all. NTA.” ~ meow_witch
“She had a granola bar.”
“Maybe she‘s been working all day & didn’t eat since breakfast, medical condition, whatever.”
“As a host I would have discreetly told OP if she visits again, she can ask for whatever she needs, my fridge is your fridge.”
“NTA. And OP, many give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt about not being educated enough so he reacted this way etc.”
“I just want to add: if I love someone & genuinely care, I will try to find out as much as I can about their condition as soon as they tell me they have it.”
“I will ask them questions and I will ask if they can send me links they feel good to read for me.”
“I guess my message is: You can expect more from people in your inner circle and you deserve that the people saying they love you also do care about you.”
“Being informed is important to be compassionate and supportive.”
“Maybe sit down with him and have a talk about how you both define a supportive spouse.”
“Edit: Plus – I am rooting for you.”
“EDs are difficult and recovering is hard work.”
“Keep standing up for yourself.”
“You‘re doing great.” ~ Water_Melonia
“NTA. Also, was the family actually offended?”
“Did they seem offended at the time?”
“Or was it just the boyfriend who had an issue for some stupid reason and said that to make it seem like there were more people on his side?” ~ devil-woman
“And even if OP doesn’t want do divulge the full, actual reason, anyone who’s told something along the line of ‘I have a medical issue that means I sometimes have to eat something immediately to avoid consequences down the line’ should be understanding as well.”
Particularly when we’re talking about a small snack like a granola bar.
“NTA, OP.” ~ tutorp
“Absolutely agree.”
“OP is being wonderfully vigilant about their recovery!”
“It’s so hard to learn to take good care of ourselves, especially after something like an eating disorder.”
“And OP is working so hard at it!”
“For the BF to dismiss all of that because he didn’t want to make his parents feel bad for being bad hosts, makes him the AH. NTA OP.” ~ WatersMoon110
“This. OP, I wish you the best on your continuing recovery and congratulations on all you’ve achieved so far.”
“If your bf isn’t supporting you and cheering you on, then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.”
I hope your bf has some other redeeming qualities because he’s sure not coming off well from this. NTA.” ~ AllButACrazyCatLady
“Her boyfriend just seems like an overall inconsiderate human.”
“I don’t have an eating disorder but tend to get irritable when I am hungry so I always have snacks in my purse.”
“If I was at any event and was hungry even right before dinner I would eat a snack if there was no food provided before dinner.”
“My husband would never say anything like this to me after either.”
“NTA for sure but your boyfriend is!” ~ Jean_Marie_1989
“NTA. Your boyfriend is, though.”
“He should be more supportive of your journey to a more healthy you, instead of being insulted by your needing to ‘snack’ on a granola bar before dinner.”
“He should have let his mom know that you are following a therapist’s recommended timetable for eating.”
“Seriously, if he can’t be there for you, lose him.” ~ CommitteeGullible876
“Also if OP has at all ever mentioned that it’s for a medical reason (no need to fully explain if doesn’t want to), normal people would immediately say ‘oh gosh please do what you need to do!'”
‘”Do you need anything else?!'”
“Plenty of medical issues require snacks and food.”
“If they felt like bad hosts, maybe they should’ve had snacks.”
“An hour is a long time.”
“What if it was a blood sugar issue?”
“No one could wait that long.”
“NTA and tell him to get over himself.” ~ Artistic-Attempt-454
“Very this! If you’re hosting and don’t put out snacks for the literal hours that folks are there before dinner… That’s on you.”
“I’d need a purse granola bar too!”
“I don’t want to say it’s inherently rude because families all have their own norms and traditions.”
“But I wouldn’t dream of having guests over without a multitude of snacks and beverages.”
“It’s in my DNA.”
“Also, NTA! Good for you for taking care of yourself.”
“I find it concerning that even after you explained why, your bf was upset about this.”
“It shows a huge lack of empathy.” ~ shmemilykw
OP came back with some news…
“Update: We broke up.”
“We had a long talk about what happened, and he couldn’t acknowledge that I know what’s best for my recovery.”
“He said relationships are about compromise.”
“I said that doesn’t apply to my health.”
“He said it applies to everything.”
“I said we should give each other space.”
“Thank you everyone.”
“Without your comments, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to stand up for myself.”
OP… Reddit is here for you.
Health first, always.
We have to find the right person to understand that in a relationship.
Good luck!