We all make mistakes, and we should all be able to agree that when we make a mistake that really hurts someone else, we shouldn't immediately expect them to support us when we're going through something.
That seems especially true for something like cheating, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
The morning of their husband's grandfather's funeral, Redditor Unlikely_Selection46 discovered that their husband had been cheating on them for months.
While he tried to guilt them into still attending the funeral, stating that he needed their support during a difficult time, the Original Poster (OP) didn't feel up to pretending to be a supportive partner.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for skipping my cheating husband's grandfather's funeral?"
The OP was going to go to her husband's grandfather's funeral with him.
"My husband's grandfather recently died, and we were going to drive over five hours today to go to the funeral tomorrow."
"My husband's father is expecting us both."
But the OP's plans changed when she made a terrible discovery.
"However, today I found out he had been cheating on me for the past couple of months."
"I cannot stand the thought of being in the car with him and trying to support him while pretending we are all good."
"Also, I only met his father and grandfather a total of three times during our relationship. I'm really close to his mother's side of the family, though, but none of them will be there."
"My husband knows that I know and that I will be filing for divorce."
The OP's soon-to-be ex-husband created a cover story for her not attending the funeral.
"The funeral was today, and I didn't go. I sent flowers to the funeral home, though."
"My soon-to-be ex-husband told the family that I didn't make it because I had to watch our dog."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that attending was not required after her discovery.
"You're not the a**hole. Skipping the funeral is totally reasonable if you can't handle the hypocrisy of pretending everything's fine."
"Your husband's betrayal is a huge deal, and your emotional well-being comes first." - dreamy_jane
"You don't need to put in the work of going out and pretending everything is alright given the circumstances. Do whatever you feel you need to do. Put yourself first!" - suhhhrena
"There are two reasons to attend a funeral: to grieve and say goodbye to a love one or to support someone else through their grief. If neither applies then there is no need to go."
"You are not required to play emotional support doormat for your soon-to-be ex-husband. NTA." - sylbug
"Remember, you're not obligated to attend any event that makes you uncomfortable, especially when you're dealing with such a difficult situation." - Moon_Chic
"Given what you've discovered, skipping the funeral is completely understandable. You shouldn't be forced to support him while dealing with this betrayal. Take care of yourself." - angelicbrunch_627
"NTA. Your husband does not deserve your support. And he doesn't deserve your company. Let him go alone, or take his affair partner with him. NTA." - No_Good_Turn
"I'd only go if you're close to the family and you want to express your support. Consider driving by yourself. Otherwise, just make an excuse and explain later (if you want). NTA."
"I could imagine when a family is grieving as they just lost someone, it's not really the time to inform them about a cheating incident and upcoming divorce. That can wait, I'd use a little white lie and then explain the whole thing after the poor man has been buried a little while." - Comprehensive-Cut330
"You're dealing with a significant emotional burden right now, and it's important to prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being. Attending a funeral while grappling with such a betrayal could be incredibly difficult and may not be the best environment for you to process your feelings." - misspotatoheaddd
"Unfortunately for your husband, he forfeited his right to your support when he cheated on you. If this is difficult for him, that is his problem. You have your own emotions to process right now, thanks to him!" - MeggieMay1988
"This might be the most straightforward NTA I've ever seen. Husband cheats, his grandpa dies, you are planning a divorce, you don't want to be around him."
"Very simple, very reasonable, and it's not your fault he's going through two life-altering changes at once. He caused one of them, the one that would otherwise invite support to his life during the second one." - ManElectro
Others agreed and thought the OP did plenty by sending the flowers.
"NTA: You'll be exposing to your husband's family your pending divorce by not being at your hubby's grandfather's funeral. This is what your husband probably fears the most. Don't let him coerce you. Or gaslight you about ruining grandpa's funeral and making it about you."
"Hubby made it all about him when he cheated on you."
"Send a beautiful flower arrangement from just yourself and a message about how wonderful the grandfather was to you personally. That's appropriate. And kind. And thoughtful."
"There will be much speculation, I imagine, but that's your hubby's mess. He can take his sex mistress to the funeral if he needs a plus one."
"OP. Just look after your needs and get a good lawyer. Your hubby will be paying for it in the end." - Altruistic-Text3481
"NTA."
"Find the funeral home, send a bouquet of flowers and a note of condolence... to let his family know you are thinking about them. It also shows you have class and grace. And it makes him look like a turd for cheating on such a thoughtful person."
"They'll understand why you weren't there once the truth of his affair comes out." - JellicoAlpha_3_1
"NTA."
"Send flowers, only signed from you, and while he's absent, see if you can have your initial meeting with your attorney."
"Also, start checking your credit cards and all bank accounts, including college funds or other accounts if you have children, to see how much money may be going out the door associated with his affair partner." - 3Heathens_Mom
"Did you have a decent relationship with the in-laws and this grandfather? If not, skip it."
"If yes, travel separately, and be there for the family, and avoid your hubby like the plague."
"Either way, draft a really diplomatic message to his family and let them know what he did and that's the reason you skipped or traveled separately. Let them know in person if you attend, or send via phone or email if you don't. NTA." - waaasupla
"NTA, but be prepared for the hurt you will cause to your grieving in-laws. If they're a**holes and you don't have a relationship with them outside of your hubby, then f**k 'em."
"If the opposite is true, rent a car and drive yourself. Make up a reason for it that includes why you have to leave early or arrived late. If that's too much, at least send flowers and a note."
"Tell your husband in one week, he needs to tell his parents that you're getting divorced and the reason why." - Ok-Try-857
"NTA. While your cheating ex is gone to the funeral, start getting your ducks in a row."
"Call your father-in-law and offer your condolences while your cheating husband is driving there. Tell your father-in-law that you so enjoyed being a part of the family and you will miss him but you too are heartbroken because you just found out your husband has been cheating on you. Tell your father-in-law to feel free to call you if he wants to talk but otherwise, take care. I will miss you and I'm sorry for your loss."
"This will show love and care on your part and explain why you are not there before your cheating husband can spin the story around. Also, by telling your FIL in a kind but brief way, this might keep your cheating ex at his family home longer, thus buying you more time to get your ducks in a row."
"While he is gone, move half the money from any joint accounts into a whole new bank, not just a new bank account. Close out any shared credit cards. Gather any important items and paperwork and have a friend keep it for you."
"Check your shared bank account to see if he has been using martial money to support his AP (is he playing Sugar Daddy to some girl by providing an apartment and covering bills). Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible."
"There was a story just yesterday on Best of where the husband became abusive when the wife was pregnant and he emptied the account, leaving only five dollars. He also accessed her savings account using the home laptop and drained that as well. In another story quite a while ago, a woman said after her husband cleaned out the accounts, she had no money to hire a lawyer for a long time."
"I'm sorry you are going through this but grandpa's passing may be his way of helping you with his d**khead grandson." - SummerIceCream3893
The subReddit was quick to confirm that the OP needed to protect their well-being during this time, even if it meant not attending the funeral.
If they were close to the ex-husband's family, they could try to attend for them, or at least send flowers as a nice gesture.
While it wasn't the time to announce the affair or the divorce, it was definitely time to set some new boundaries.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.