We all make mistakes, and we should all be able to agree that when we make a mistake that really hurts someone else, we shouldn’t immediately expect them to support us when we’re going through something.
That seems especially true for something like cheating, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
The morning of their husband’s grandfather’s funeral, Redditor Unlikely_Selection46 discovered that their husband had been cheating on them for months.
While he tried to guilt them into still attending the funeral, stating that he needed their support during a difficult time, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t feel up to pretending to be a supportive partner.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for skipping my cheating husband’s grandfather’s funeral?”
The OP was going to go to her husband’s grandfather’s funeral with him.
“My husband’s grandfather recently died, and we were going to drive over five hours today to go to the funeral tomorrow.”
“My husband’s father is expecting us both.”
But the OP’s plans changed when she made a terrible discovery.
“However, today I found out he had been cheating on me for the past couple of months.”
“I cannot stand the thought of being in the car with him and trying to support him while pretending we are all good.”
“Also, I only met his father and grandfather a total of three times during our relationship. I’m really close to his mother’s side of the family, though, but none of them will be there.”
“My husband knows that I know and that I will be filing for divorce.”
The OP’s soon-to-be ex-husband created a cover story for her not attending the funeral.
“The funeral was today, and I didn’t go. I sent flowers to the funeral home, though.”
“My soon-to-be ex-husband told the family that I didn’t make it because I had to watch our dog.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that attending was not required after her discovery.
“You’re not the a**hole. Skipping the funeral is totally reasonable if you can’t handle the hypocrisy of pretending everything’s fine.”
“Your husband’s betrayal is a huge deal, and your emotional well-being comes first.” – dreamy_jane
“You don’t need to put in the work of going out and pretending everything is alright given the circumstances. Do whatever you feel you need to do. Put yourself first!” – suhhhrena
“There are two reasons to attend a funeral: to grieve and say goodbye to a love one or to support someone else through their grief. If neither applies then there is no need to go.”
“You are not required to play emotional support doormat for your soon-to-be ex-husband. NTA.” – sylbug
“Remember, you’re not obligated to attend any event that makes you uncomfortable, especially when you’re dealing with such a difficult situation.” – Moon_Chic
“Given what you’ve discovered, skipping the funeral is completely understandable. You shouldn’t be forced to support him while dealing with this betrayal. Take care of yourself.” – angelicbrunch_627
“NTA. Your husband does not deserve your support. And he doesn’t deserve your company. Let him go alone, or take his affair partner with him. NTA.” – No_Good_Turn
“I’d only go if you’re close to the family and you want to express your support. Consider driving by yourself. Otherwise, just make an excuse and explain later (if you want). NTA.”
“I could imagine when a family is grieving as they just lost someone, it’s not really the time to inform them about a cheating incident and upcoming divorce. That can wait, I’d use a little white lie and then explain the whole thing after the poor man has been buried a little while.” – Comprehensive-Cut330
“You’re dealing with a significant emotional burden right now, and it’s important to prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being. Attending a funeral while grappling with such a betrayal could be incredibly difficult and may not be the best environment for you to process your feelings.” – misspotatoheaddd
“Unfortunately for your husband, he forfeited his right to your support when he cheated on you. If this is difficult for him, that is his problem. You have your own emotions to process right now, thanks to him!” – MeggieMay1988
“This might be the most straightforward NTA I’ve ever seen. Husband cheats, his grandpa dies, you are planning a divorce, you don’t want to be around him.”
“Very simple, very reasonable, and it’s not your fault he’s going through two life-altering changes at once. He caused one of them, the one that would otherwise invite support to his life during the second one.” – ManElectro
Others agreed and thought the OP did plenty by sending the flowers.
“NTA: You’ll be exposing to your husband’s family your pending divorce by not being at your hubby’s grandfather’s funeral. This is what your husband probably fears the most. Don’t let him coerce you. Or gaslight you about ruining grandpa’s funeral and making it about you.”
“Hubby made it all about him when he cheated on you.”
“Send a beautiful flower arrangement from just yourself and a message about how wonderful the grandfather was to you personally. That’s appropriate. And kind. And thoughtful.”
“There will be much speculation, I imagine, but that’s your hubby’s mess. He can take his sex mistress to the funeral if he needs a plus one.”
“OP. Just look after your needs and get a good lawyer. Your hubby will be paying for it in the end.” – Altruistic-Text3481
“NTA.”
“Find the funeral home, send a bouquet of flowers and a note of condolence… to let his family know you are thinking about them. It also shows you have class and grace. And it makes him look like a turd for cheating on such a thoughtful person.”
“They’ll understand why you weren’t there once the truth of his affair comes out.” – JellicoAlpha_3_1
“NTA.”
“Send flowers, only signed from you, and while he’s absent, see if you can have your initial meeting with your attorney.”
“Also, start checking your credit cards and all bank accounts, including college funds or other accounts if you have children, to see how much money may be going out the door associated with his affair partner.” – 3Heathens_Mom
“Did you have a decent relationship with the in-laws and this grandfather? If not, skip it.”
“If yes, travel separately, and be there for the family, and avoid your hubby like the plague.”
“Either way, draft a really diplomatic message to his family and let them know what he did and that’s the reason you skipped or traveled separately. Let them know in person if you attend, or send via phone or email if you don’t. NTA.” – waaasupla
“NTA, but be prepared for the hurt you will cause to your grieving in-laws. If they’re a**holes and you don’t have a relationship with them outside of your hubby, then f**k ’em.”
“If the opposite is true, rent a car and drive yourself. Make up a reason for it that includes why you have to leave early or arrived late. If that’s too much, at least send flowers and a note.”
“Tell your husband in one week, he needs to tell his parents that you’re getting divorced and the reason why.” – Ok-Try-857
“NTA. While your cheating ex is gone to the funeral, start getting your ducks in a row.”
“Call your father-in-law and offer your condolences while your cheating husband is driving there. Tell your father-in-law that you so enjoyed being a part of the family and you will miss him but you too are heartbroken because you just found out your husband has been cheating on you. Tell your father-in-law to feel free to call you if he wants to talk but otherwise, take care. I will miss you and I’m sorry for your loss.”
“This will show love and care on your part and explain why you are not there before your cheating husband can spin the story around. Also, by telling your FIL in a kind but brief way, this might keep your cheating ex at his family home longer, thus buying you more time to get your ducks in a row.”
“While he is gone, move half the money from any joint accounts into a whole new bank, not just a new bank account. Close out any shared credit cards. Gather any important items and paperwork and have a friend keep it for you.”
“Check your shared bank account to see if he has been using martial money to support his AP (is he playing Sugar Daddy to some girl by providing an apartment and covering bills). Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.”
“There was a story just yesterday on Best of where the husband became abusive when the wife was pregnant and he emptied the account, leaving only five dollars. He also accessed her savings account using the home laptop and drained that as well. In another story quite a while ago, a woman said after her husband cleaned out the accounts, she had no money to hire a lawyer for a long time.”
“I’m sorry you are going through this but grandpa’s passing may be his way of helping you with his d**khead grandson.” – SummerIceCream3893
The subReddit was quick to confirm that the OP needed to protect their well-being during this time, even if it meant not attending the funeral.
If they were close to the ex-husband’s family, they could try to attend for them, or at least send flowers as a nice gesture.
While it wasn’t the time to announce the affair or the divorce, it was definitely time to set some new boundaries.