We all make mistakes, and we should all be able to agree that when we make a mistake that really hurts someone else, we shouldn't immediately expect them to support us when we're going through something.
That seems especially true for something like cheating, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
The morning of their husband's grandfather's funeral, Redditor Unlikely_Selection46 discovered that their husband had been cheating on them for months.
While he tried to guilt them into still attending the funeral, stating that he needed their support during a difficult time, the Original Poster (OP) didn't feel up to pretending to be a supportive partner.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for skipping my cheating husband's grandfather's funeral?"
The OP was going to go to her husband's grandfather's funeral with him.
"My husband's grandfather recently died, and we were going to drive over five hours today to go to the funeral tomorrow."
"My husband's father is expecting us both."
But the OP's plans changed when she made a terrible discovery.
"However, today I found out he had been cheating on me for the past couple of months."
"I cannot stand the thought of being in the car with him and trying to support him while pretending we are all good."
"Also, I only met his father and grandfather a total of three times during our relationship. I'm really close to his mother's side of the family, though, but none of them will be there."
"My husband knows that I know and that I will be filing for divorce."
The OP's soon-to-be ex-husband created a cover story for her not attending the funeral.
"The funeral was today, and I didn't go. I sent flowers to the funeral home, though."
"My soon-to-be ex-husband told the family that I didn't make it because I had to watch our dog."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that attending was not required after her discovery.
"You're not the a**hole. Skipping the funeral is totally reasonable if you can't handle the hypocrisy of pretending everything's fine."
"Your husband's betrayal is a huge deal, and your emotional well-being comes first." - dreamy_jane
"You don't need to put in the work of going out and pretending everything is alright given the circumstances. Do whatever you feel you need to do. Put yourself first!" - suhhhrena
"There are two reasons to attend a funeral: to grieve and say goodbye to a love one or to support someone else through their grief. If neither applies then there is no need to go."
"You are not required to play emotional support doormat for your soon-to-be ex-husband. NTA." - sylbug
"Remember, you're not obligated to attend any event that makes you uncomfortable, especially when you're dealing with such a difficult situation." - Moon_Chic
"Given what you've discovered, skipping the funeral is completely understandable. You shouldn't be forced to support him while dealing with this betrayal. Take care of yourself." - angelicbrunch_627
"NTA. Your husband does not deserve your support. And he doesn't deserve your company. Let him go alone, or take his affair partner with him. NTA." - No_Good_Turn
"I'd only go if you're close to the family and you want to express your support. Consider driving by yourself. Otherwise, just make an excuse and explain later (if you want). NTA."
"I could imagine when a family is grieving as they just lost someone, it's not really the time to inform them about a cheating incident and upcoming divorce. That can wait, I'd use a little white lie and then explain the whole thing after the poor man has been buried a little while." - Comprehensive-Cut330
"You're dealing with a significant emotional burden right now, and it's important to prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being. Attending a funeral while grappling with such a betrayal could be incredibly difficult and may not be the best environment for you to process your feelings." - misspotatoheaddd
"Unfortunately for your husband, he forfeited his right to your support when he cheated on you. If this is difficult for him, that is his problem. You have your own emotions to process right now, thanks to him!" - MeggieMay1988
"This might be the most straightforward NTA I've ever seen. Husband cheats, his grandpa dies, you are planning a divorce, you don't want to be around him."
"Very simple, very reasonable, and it's not your fault he's going through two life-altering changes at once. He caused one of them, the one that would otherwise invite support to his life during the second one." - ManElectro
Others agreed and thought the OP did plenty by sending the flowers.
"NTA: You'll be exposing to your husband's family your pending divorce by not being at your hubby's grandfather's funeral. This is what your husband probably fears the most. Don't let him coerce you. Or gaslight you about ruining grandpa's funeral and making it about you."
"Hubby made it all about him when he cheated on you."
"Send a beautiful flower arrangement from just yourself and a message about how wonderful the grandfather was to you personally. That's appropriate. And kind. And thoughtful."
"There will be much speculation, I imagine, but that's your hubby's mess. He can take his sex mistress to the funeral if he needs a plus one."
"OP. Just look after your needs and get a good lawyer. Your hubby will be paying for it in the end." - Altruistic-Text3481
"NTA."
"Find the funeral home, send a bouquet of flowers and a note of condolence... to let his family know you are thinking about them. It also shows you have class and grace. And it makes him look like a turd for cheating on such a thoughtful person."
"They'll understand why you weren't there once the truth of his affair comes out." - JellicoAlpha_3_1
"NTA."
"Send flowers, only signed from you, and while he's absent, see if you can have your initial meeting with your attorney."
"Also, start checking your credit cards and all bank accounts, including college funds or other accounts if you have children, to see how much money may be going out the door associated with his affair partner." - 3Heathens_Mom
"Did you have a decent relationship with the in-laws and this grandfather? If not, skip it."
"If yes, travel separately, and be there for the family, and avoid your hubby like the plague."
"Either way, draft a really diplomatic message to his family and let them know what he did and that's the reason you skipped or traveled separately. Let them know in person if you attend, or send via phone or email if you don't. NTA." - waaasupla
"NTA, but be prepared for the hurt you will cause to your grieving in-laws. If they're a**holes and you don't have a relationship with them outside of your hubby, then f**k 'em."
"If the opposite is true, rent a car and drive yourself. Make up a reason for it that includes why you have to leave early or arrived late. If that's too much, at least send flowers and a note."
"Tell your husband in one week, he needs to tell his parents that you're getting divorced and the reason why." - Ok-Try-857
"NTA. While your cheating ex is gone to the funeral, start getting your ducks in a row."
"Call your father-in-law and offer your condolences while your cheating husband is driving there. Tell your father-in-law that you so enjoyed being a part of the family and you will miss him but you too are heartbroken because you just found out your husband has been cheating on you. Tell your father-in-law to feel free to call you if he wants to talk but otherwise, take care. I will miss you and I'm sorry for your loss."
"This will show love and care on your part and explain why you are not there before your cheating husband can spin the story around. Also, by telling your FIL in a kind but brief way, this might keep your cheating ex at his family home longer, thus buying you more time to get your ducks in a row."
"While he is gone, move half the money from any joint accounts into a whole new bank, not just a new bank account. Close out any shared credit cards. Gather any important items and paperwork and have a friend keep it for you."
"Check your shared bank account to see if he has been using martial money to support his AP (is he playing Sugar Daddy to some girl by providing an apartment and covering bills). Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible."
"There was a story just yesterday on Best of where the husband became abusive when the wife was pregnant and he emptied the account, leaving only five dollars. He also accessed her savings account using the home laptop and drained that as well. In another story quite a while ago, a woman said after her husband cleaned out the accounts, she had no money to hire a lawyer for a long time."
"I'm sorry you are going through this but grandpa's passing may be his way of helping you with his d**khead grandson." - SummerIceCream3893
The subReddit was quick to confirm that the OP needed to protect their well-being during this time, even if it meant not attending the funeral.
If they were close to the ex-husband's family, they could try to attend for them, or at least send flowers as a nice gesture.
While it wasn't the time to announce the affair or the divorce, it was definitely time to set some new boundaries.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp