It's always an adjustment for children of divorce to meet their parent's new significant others.
In some cases, they immediately accept each other, and become as close as if they were actually parent and child.
Other times, the situation is not so lucky, as one of them might find them constantly striving to earn the acceptance of the other, or worse, they each refuse to even try to become close, no matter what.
Redditor pottAH__ was trying to get used to the fact that her father had a new girlfriend, who in turn had a young daughter of her own.
This led the original poster (OP) to reluctantly accept her father's request to go on a bonding trip of sorts with the two of them.
But the outing had quite the reverse effect of what the OP's father had hoped.
Wondering if she behaved inappropriately, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for getting upset and telling my dad his girlfriend didn't buy me a Starbucks drink?"
The OP explained how an outing with her father's girlfriend and her daughter did not result in their bonding one bit, but rather caused them to become further at odds.
"I (17 F[emale]) have been living with my dad (45 M[ale]), his girlfriend (GF) of 2 years (33 F), and her daughter (13 F) for a couple of months now while my mom (40 F) is visiting my sick grandfather in Sweden."
"I've only ever stayed at my dad's on weekends so it's been hard getting used to living with his GF and her kid full time."
"The kid is super whinny and pretty spoiled because GF dotes on her so I usually just stay in my room."
"Today GF was taking her daughter on a 'special outing' because she passed a math test, and my dad suggested I go with them for a 'girls day out'."
"I wanted to say no but I knew that he wanted me to get to know his GF and gf's daughter better so I agreed."
"He gave GF $300 to spend during the outing."
"We spent the day going in and out of stores GF's daughter liked in the mall complex."
"GF ended up buying her a shit ton of clothes, makeup, and other stuff I don't remember."
"On our way back home GF stopped at the Starbucks cause daughter wanted a drink and some cake pops."
"She ordered a drink for her and her daughter and 2 cake pops."
"I asked her if I could get something and she said she ran out of money and she'd 'get me something next time'."
"When they got their order I asked if I could have one of the cake pops and GF said that it was her daughter's treat for hard work and it would be wrong for me to take one since 'I didn't do anything that deserved being rewarded'."
"I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty upset."
"When we got back home my dad saw their drinks and asked where mine was."
"I told him that 'I wasn't allowed to get one cause I don't deserve it'."
"His GF got upset and said I was twisting her words and the daughter just said I was being greedy and was jealous of her."
"I know I'm not entitled to a drink or a cake pop but I also don't think it's wrong to be a little annoyed."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP had every right to be upset by their dad's girlfriend snubbing her at Starbucks, and was not the a**hole for feeling that way.
Everyone agreed that the OP only told her father the truth, and that the OP's father's girlfriend seemed to be purposefully neglecting her, with many pointing out how the OP's father gave them money to be spent on all of them, not just the GF's daughter.
"You are definitely NTA."
"GF was tho."- YeeHawMiMaw
"OP, I have to point out that your Dad got his wish."
"You got to know his GF and her daughter a whole lot better."
"If they wanted you to have good stories about them, they ought to have treated you with kindness."
"I hope your Dad is paying attention to the sort of people he's living with."
"NTA."- Sidneyreb
"NTA."
"It was your dads money, and obviously intended to facilitate the 'girls day' for the three of you."
"They sound like awful people."- bloodfeier
"NTA."
"You just told your dad what his girlfriend told you."- epostiler
"NTA on telling your dad about the drinks."
"Just to check: did the gf get you anything on the trip, or spend everything on her own daughter?"
"That would be good for your dad to know how you are treated."
"I get that the 13 year old passed a math test, but she didn’t solve Fermat’s last theorem."
"It isn’t such a stretch to include you on this trip."- blueavole
"Oh sweetie, NTA."
"And I want you to know that you absolutely were entitled to a drink AND a cake pop or another treat of your choosing."
"Your dad gave her $300 that was meant to be spent on ALL THREE of you for the day out."
"Sure, her daughter may have earned SOMETHING special for her hard work at school, but from the sound of it he intended for you all to get treated a bit, and it's disgusting that she would go to a coffee shop and get things for herself and her daughter and not for you."
"As someone older than your dad, even, I can tell you that his GF's behavior was super not okay, and NOT the way she should be treating her partner's kid."
"NONE of my friends would ever treat their step-kids or partners' kids that way in a million years!"
"I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm really glad you told your dad."
"She deserves to get yelled at."- FoolMe1nceShameOnU
"I would have added that she didn’t spend any of the money on you."
"Next time ask dad for your own cash."
"Explain you didn’t get anything and this time you would like to buy something."
"Even if it’s just a Starbucks."- nerdgirl71
"Woah, so NTA."
"The GF wasn’t upset at hearing her own words but at being outed as being a jerk."
"As another said, I hope your dad is on your side."- ask
"NTA!"
"And don’t be fooled, everything she did was intentional."
"If she really ran out of money and could only afford two drinks, she should have offered you one and forgone getting one herself."
"Also, 3 people and 3 cake pops and she couldn’t share one with you?"
"This is the set up for a modern day evil stepmother."
"I hope your dad rips her a new one."- fallingfaster345
"There’s no way in hell your dad gave his GF $300 for her and her kid because her kid passed a test."
"Think about it."
"Her child takes a ton of tests in school."
"She probably passes most of them."
"Maybe aces a lot of them."
"Your father would go broke shelling out $300 for each passed test, right?"
"So it’s clear the $300 he gave her wasn’t for her test because who can afford that?"
"Your dad gave that $300 to his GF in hopes of you three girls having a fun time together and bonding, doing girly things."
"Shopping or pedicures or Starbucks or whatever."
"He trusted your girlfriend with that much money in hopes that she would spend it ensuring ALL THREE OF YOU had a good day together."
"This is why the second you walked in the door with no Starbucks your dad didn’t simply assume you finished yours first, he instead immediately asked where yours was."
"Because he wanted to make sure his money was spent the way he intended, on all three of you equally."
"This makes me think he plans to marry this woman, because he wants you guys to bond and become a family."
"But the girlfriend clearly isn’t interested in bonding because she’s obviously an entitled brat who wants your dad to provide for her child but has no interest in returning the favor and providing for you."
"In the future I encourage you to continue speaking up when she pulls stunts like this so your dad knows how she treats you."
"I would also make sure he knows NONE of the money that she spent at the mall was spent on you either."
"Not because you feel entitled to it, since you obviously don’t, but because he likely intended some of it to go to you and none of it did, and he deserves to know that because it’s his money."
"He should also know how his kid is being treated behind his back."
"NTA."- neeksknowsbest
The OP later offered an update regarding her father's reaction to the outing, and how he decided to deal with the behavior of his GF and her daughter.
"I just finished talking to my dad."
"I explained everything that happened at the mall and he apologized and said that he'll be returning everything that was bought and will be taking a day off work tomorrow so we could do something together."
"He also put up GF and daughter in a hotel so I can have space from them, and said they'll be staying there until my mom gets back."
"Once I'm ready to see them he said they will apologize to me and once my mom comes back he's going to have a talk with GF."
There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate the accomplishments of one's children.
But one should also want to include others in the celebration, while the GF of the OP's father seemed to be intentionally trying to exclude the OP.
A very strange decision, particularly if she wanted things with the OP's father to get more serious.
One can only hope that the time spent away at the hotel will give the GF and her daughter the time they need to reflect on their behavior.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp