A birthday is arguably a day that should be all about you.
Even if some people are happy to share their birthday with others.
Indeed, most twins have trouble even grasping the concept of a day all about them.
However, being forced to share birthday festivities with another seldom goes over as well.
The son Redditor Grouchy_Struggle1702 found himself sharing his birthday with his stepfather's niece.
And not by his own choosing.
When his 10th birthday was approaching, the original poster's (OP) son had only one wish, which the OP was more than happy to oblige.
Unfortunately, the OP's husband and mother-in-law (MIL) were firmly opposed to this wish, even calling the OP's son a "spoiled brat" for wishing it.
Wondering if it would be wrong to fulfill her son's wishes despite the rest of her family's protests, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**Hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA If I gave my son what he wants for his birthday?"
The OP shared her son's one wish for his upcoming 10th birthday and why it proved such a point of contention with her husband and MIL:
"With my niece by marriage."
"My Husband and I have been together for 7 years, and in those 7 years, I asked my son if he minded doing a shared party with my niece, to which he always said he didn't mind."
"And I normally pay for the entire party myself, but their birthdays are days apart and my MIL has custody of her granddaughter so I have always asked if they wanted to do the party together and she always says yes and then something happens and she can't cover her half of the party so I just pay for it to keep the peace."
"Well, this week, I asked my son what he wanted for his party this year, and his only response was to have his own party because you only turn 10 once, to which I said, "Okay, done."
"My MIL asked today what are plans was for their party for this year to which I replied that he wants his own party but I hadn't set any plans in place yet."
"She asked why because it's not fair for him to get a party without her, and I told her that's what he asked for, and we hung up the phone."
"She called my husband to tell him what I had said, and now my husband is mad and says my son (his step son) is spoiled and a brat, and if he doesn't want to share a party, he can't have one at all."
"So would I be an a**hole if I planned his party without the niece or my husband?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to give her son his own birthday party.
Everyone agreed that the OP's son was absolutely deserving of having his own birthday party, with many feeling the OP's MIL was clearly taking advantage of the OP, and others urging the OP to really consider if staying in this marriage was a good idea:
"NTA."
"Your MIL is trying to use you to pay for the niece's party, and your husband knows it."
"If your husband is so concerned with his niece then he can pay for a party for her."
"How dare he tell you that you can't throw a party for your son."
"Your husband is being an AH--is he like this regarding other things with your son?"
"If so you may want to take a good look at how his resentment is affecting your son."- Remote-Visual7976
"NTA."
"It sounds like she's just using you to pay for her daughter's birthday."
"Throw your son his own birthday anyway."
"If she really wanted to give her daughter a party, she'd figure it out."
"It sucks for the daughter, but her mom needs to figure it out."- BeaconToTheAngels
"Welp classic husband problem."
"Find out if your husband likes being married to you or if he wants to keep running his mouth about your child."
"Base your choices on his actions."
"NTA."- SQ_Madriel
"NTA."
"Your son isn't spoiled for wanting his own party."
"It's great that's he's shared before, but that's something your husband's family needs to take care of."
"You said 'I cover their half' and not 'we'."
"Does your husband not help pay for the party, or does he stick you for paying for your son and his niece?"
"Your husband telling you whether or not your son can have a birthday is a bit of a red line."
"What's going on here where he feels it's ok to disrespect you and your son like this?"- vt2022cam
"NTA and your husband can't stop you from throwing YOUR son his own party."
"Is he normally like this with your son?"- AKlife420
"NTA."
"Your son comes first in your life. If he wants his own party and you give it to him, why not?"
"As for your niece, that is your MIL's responsibility."
"Your husband is AH for saying that because your son doesn't want to share he is spoiled."- DNA1727
"NTA having your own birth is more common than sharing."
"He is just asking for his own birthday as the only present and wanting to honor that wish is okay."
"You are also funding this."
"No reason to feel guilty."- Affectionate_Oil2650
"NT."
"As the youngest of 10 who had a bunch of cousins and a set of twins born in the same month as me, we ALL got our own birthdays."
"AND we were poor."
"But my mom at least made our favorite dinner and a cake we liked."
"We have two sets of twins in our family, and we celebrated their birthdays on the weekend."
"One got to choose dinner on Saturday and one on Sunday."
"Your MIL and husband are the AH."
"Tell your husband that HE can share HIS birthday with his niece."- Labradawgz90
"NTA."
"But this feels like the tip of the iceberg."
"Is it you, just you, not you and your husband, that pay for niece's joint birthdays?"
"Why doesn't anyone communicate with you that they need help instead of just assuming you'll pick up the slack?"
"Why is your husband calling your son selfish for a completely normal request?"- RattusRattus
"NTA."
"Your son deserves his own party."
"Your husband can cover the cost for his niece to have her own party."- Consistent-Leopard71
"NTA."
"I was the kid that always had to share parties."
"The worst was my Communion Party."
"My cousin and I received communion on the same day, so it made sense to our parents to share the party."
"As far as we knew, it was just the two of us sharing, but on the day of the party, we found out several of my cousin's friends were also involved."
"When the DJ announced the guests of honor, I was left off the list."
"I went up to the DJ and asked that he make an announcement for me, but he refused because my aunt didn't give him my name."
"It sounds to me like your son is frustrated over never having a day just to himself."
"His cousin is always involved and he is entitled to at least one party all to himself."
"If you don't do this for him, he will always remember that his mom didn't have his back."- ScifiGirl1986
"NTA."
"I will grant your MIL and husband this: if you have paid for her party every year without (much) complaint, it is to be expected that there will be some pushback when you finally refuse for the first time."
"I'm not saying they are right, I fully believe you are well within your rights."
"But doing this after years of just accepting paying for it is picking a fight."
"Pick the fight."
"This is a fight worth picking, although I feel bad for the little girl stuck in the middle here, but your husband can take his money and make that party happen for her."
"Grandma can take her money and make that happen for her."
"Keep in mind that it's really unlikely that either of them care whether your son gets to enjoy his birthday for himself... they care that you let them get away without paying for her birthday."
"So, this year that doesn't happen."
"Watch out for them trying to make you out to be the villain to the niece here, and don't let them guilt your son into changing his mind."
"I am really curious about your husband's mindset here."
"Is he just so much of a mama's boy that he gives in to her demands, or is he his niece's father figure/other parental figure and feels responsible for her?"
"Notice, I refuse to give him any credit here."
"Marrying you and getting you to pay for her birthday party does not count as providing for her... at least, not once you're wise to it."
"It's also disappointing that he doesn't see your son's request for what it is and cannot support him in it."
"It might be time to ask him whether he cares more about blood-niece or step-son and why that is."- rockology_adam
It's not unreasonable or unexpected for a child to want a birthday party that is theirs and theirs alone. Especially after all their previous birthdays were shared with someone who is neither a friend nor a blood relation.
Considering the OP's son was part of her life before her husband ever was, one has to wonder how he would ever expect his calling her son a "spoiled brat" was ever going to go down well.
Or, for that matter, why he thinks he should have any say in whether or not his stepson can have a birthday party,
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp