When people ask if they can stay in our home, our first inclination is to say yes.
Even if the thought of having a houseguest isn't exactly exciting or convenient.
Things get a little more complicated, however, when a friend or family member asks if they can stay in our home when we won't be there.
As in this case, we would need to be absolutely sure that the people staying in our home while we are away are trustworthy.
The sister of Redditor Anonymous_05162000 was hoping to borrow her home for a weekend.
A request that the original poster (OP) had no interest in obliging, owing to less than encouraging past behavior from her parents.
Wondering if she was being unfair to her sister, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my sister and her friends have my house for her bday weekend?"
The OP explained why she had no interest in letting her sister borrow her home for a weekend:
"I (25 F[emale]) live in the basement unit of my friend's house."
"It is a complete separate unit and I pay rent, however the big backyard is a shared space."
"My younger sister Teresa (22 F[emale]), lives at home with my parents still, which is about 20 mins from my house."
"It is Teresa's bday in a couple weekends, on the long weekend, and she has asked me to give up my house from Friday to Monday so her and 12 of her friends who I've met maybe once can party without my parents being around."
"I told her I would be fine with them staying for one night of the weekend (either Saturday to Sunday, or Sunday to Monday), but I would not want to give my place up for the full weekend."
"She said that will not work because her friend Samantha has her bday a day after and they both want to have a full day of partying, therefore they would need to be partying Saturday and Sunday and won't be able to leave Sunday night."
"Teresa usually has her bday celebration for a weekend at our cottage however it is under renovations this year and is not available."
"I have seen how the cottage looks after the weekend and it is absolutely trashed and not cleaned up whatsoever, stains and food everywhere and the floor is covered in sticky, old drinks."
"My parents also never do anything to make Teresa see that's very inconsiderate, so she continues to do it."
"She has given options to me like they will all tent in the backyard and won't bother me if I'm there, but they will still have to use my kitchen for food and my bathroom, and there's no way if 12 people who are 22 years old see two bedrooms they won't use the bed."
"Also, after 3 days of partying I'm sure people will be puking, I don't trust they will clean that up either in the backyard or my bathroom."
"It is also a shared backyard, I don't feel comfortable letting a bunch of random people in the backyard for 3 days straight when my friend, who owns the house, will most likely want to use the backyard at some point."
"Teresa is now mad at me calling me an a**hole for not letting her party in my backyard and basement unit all weekend, and says now she'll do nothing for her bday now because all cottages or campsites within a 5 hour drive are all booked up."
"I said it is not my fault that her and her friends have decided to start planning a week and a half before the long weekend."
"I think my offer for one night is nice enough considering I don't know any of her friends very well, and I know I'll be cleaning up after them the next day."
"She refuses to only party for one day and night though."
"So am I the a**hole for not letting my sister use my house for the full long weekend for her bday?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let her sister rent her house for the weekend.
Everyone agreed that not only was it incredibly presumptuous of the Teresa to ask the OP to vacate her home so she could use it for a party weekend, but as the OP was renting her home, it was not hers to rent to others:
"NTA."
"First of all, it's not YOUR property to lend out, let alone the risk and liabilities of random folks drinking and tearing up the place."
"Sister needs to check her entitlement."- WholeAd2742
"NTA."
"Absolutely don't let her and her friends stay even one night!"
"This is not your property and you know she's gong to trash it."
"Your friend/landlord is absolutely not going to want a big crowd of kids taking over their house/yard."
"Letting them stay, especially with no landlord permission, will likely get you evicted."-handoverthekittens
"NTA."
"'her friend Samantha has her bday a day after and they both want to have a full day of partying'."
"'Perfect, have fun at Samantha's place!'"- StAlvis
"NTA."
"That is a legal liability you don't want to take on."
"Tell them to book a hotel like normal people."
"Their failure to plan properly does not constitute an emergency on your part."- AdGreedy8386
"NTA."
"That is a legal liability you don't want to take on."
"Tell them to book a hotel like normal people."
"Their failure to plan properly does not constitute an emergency on your part."- AdGreedy8386
"NTA."
"You don't even own the house."
"You're renting a room. If your sister wants to party, she should rent her own venue for that."
"I notice that your parents aren't volunteering the house where she actually lives for this party, either."
"There's a good reason for that."- SomeoneYouDontKnow70
"NTA your sister is very entitled, isn't she?"
"If I were in this situation I would not allow them to use my place even for one day."
"It is intrusive to invite 12 people to someones backyard to party."
"Your friend who owns the house might have something to say about that."
"It's one thing to share the backyard with you, the tenant, having 12 strangers drinking and partying in their backyard would be impossible to miss and the noise factor alone would drive me to the edge of sanity."
"So your sister has decided since you won't give in to her demands she just won't celebrate her birthday...does she try to manipulate you much?"
"I would tell her that if she wants to feel sorry for herself that's fine with me."
"She should have planned ahead and not expect other people to save the day for her because she didn't plan ahead."- No-Giraffe49
"NTA."
"OP is renting with a SHARED backyard, having a 3 day bender for people not on the lease is a sure fire way to get OP evicted."- schec1
"NTA."
"Especially since this partying crowd could potentially get you evicted."
"'A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part'."- flovarian
"NTA."
"Do you want to get kicked out of your place?"
"Does your rental agreement allow these kinds of parties, or rather, would your friend be totally cool with 21ish year old hardcore partygoers in her own place?"
"I'd just flat out say no."
"Theresa is old enough to f*cking put on her big girl panties and figure this out without you."
"Because if you cave to her demands I assure you a little bit of puke and mess may be the last of your problems."
"Your friend may evict you if damages are involved."
"Hell, when I threw ragers with my friends in my early 20s people got so sick we had to put the vomit stained sheets outside apartment windows like horrific sails of pirate debauch and day old hotdogs."- runrunpuppets
"NTA."
"Wow, your sister is sure entitled!"
"To expect you to accommodate her demanding request is totally out of line."
"You were much more generous than I would have been with the offer you made."
"In no universe is it your responsibility to turn over your place to her and her friends as she is demanding."
"Besides, her activities could likely annoy your friend and neighbors and you don't want that."-Realistic_Head4279
Teresa has hardly displayed any sort of past behavior that would indicate she would be a desirable houseguest.
Making the OP's resistance to lend Teresa her home for a birthday bash more than understandable.
At the end of the day though, as the OP doesn't own her home, this whole issue is more or less a moot point.
Even so, Teresa might want to consider how she would feel if someone asked her to vacate her home so that they could throw a party.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp