Every now and then, we might find ourselves hosting someone in our home out of obligation.
Even though these individuals might be the absolute last people we would ever want to set foot in our home.
Nonetheless, whether for business or family purposes, we put on a good face, and allow them to make themselves at home.
Unless, that is, we have a very good reason not to.
The sisters-in-law (SILs) of Redditor Clean-Beach2891 recently paid a visit to their home.
Unfortunately, their visit left the original poster (OP) feeling less than wonderful about herself.
As a result, when the OP's husband suggested his family stay with them for an upcoming family event, the OP responded with a hard no.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for Not Inviting My In-Laws to Stay in Our Home?"
The OP explained why they were less than excited to allow their SILs to stay with them during an upcoming visit:
"Several years ago, I was a full-time caretaker for my husband, who was awaiting back surgery, and my mother, who was in palliative care with dementia."
"In addition, I worked full-time."
"It was a lot, so I used the services of someone who cleaned every few weeks."
"After my husband's surgery, his sisters decided to visit, and I welcomed them into our home."
"After their visit, I learned that they'd entered parts of our home that were not open to visitors, looked through things, and commented about its cleanliness."
"Granted, the private spaces were not as tidy as the public parts of our home, but I was doing the best I could."
"This was especially hurtful to my husband because there is shame associated with this topic in their family."
"Fast forward, and we have a family event coming up."
"My husband has suggested that the family stay with us, and, based on the last experience, I said no."
"I'm in school and have a full-time job, and he may say he's going to clean, but he won't and will become angry with me because it's not done."
"I suggested they stay at a hotel (even if we pay) because I don't want the stress associated with the visit because our standards don't align."
"He's pretty upset, but AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow their in-laws to stay at their house.
Everyone agreed that the past behavior of the OP's SILs was more than enough to make them persona non grata in the OP's home, with many even wondering if the OP should allow their husband to stay in their house after he chose to take his sister's side:
"NTA."
"They have shown themselves to be judgmental snoops so they can reap the consequences."
"Good for you for not falling for empty promises."
"Sounds like your husband will find something to be angry about whatever you do so you might as well take the path that results in less stress for you."- NotThisAgain234
"I'm so glad my MIL is 1) non-judgmental and 2) has a sign in her den that reads 'dull women have immaculate homes'."
"You are absolutely NTA."
"Your husband seems to be fooling himself, however, about what he's willing to do and how his family behaves."
"Oh well."
"I'd refuse any argument he invites you to, and won't you have homework when the outlaws want to visit?"
"Remember—dull people have immaculate homes (or pay for house cleaners)."- KaetzenOrkester
"You are NTA."
"His family invaded your private space then maligned you afterward."
"They are not welcome to do the same again."- mimianders
"NTA."
"You have a husband problem, not just an in-law problem."
"If he's not going to clean for his family, he can shut it."- that_was_way_harsh
"Husband doesn't seem to be defending you on this one and expects that you've taken on the burden for having been both caretaker and housekeeper."
"If he wants to host, he can clean to his family's expectations."
"You've had enough going on."
"NTA."- Snackinpenguin
"NTA."
"But your husband sounds like no prize."- DrukMeMa
"NTA."
"During a difficult time in your life, they chose to judge you and shame you."
"They gave up any claim to any future hospitality when they chose to disrespect you."- photosbeersandteach
"NTA."
"You are 100% in the right here."
"He didn't like that they snooped last time, and they were just visiting."
"Now he wants them to stay?"
"They will do it again."
"So, he either needs to get off his butt and get to cleaning NOW to show you he really means he will clean and keep it clean, or they go to a hotel."
"He can prove with actions that he means the house will be clean."- Emotional_Fan_7011
"NTA."
"I would tell him."
"You're going to be pissed either way."
"1. Because you decided not to clean but expect me to with a full plate already to up and clean to their standards."
"Then get pissed when it doesn't happen."
"2. You, like now, are pissed when I say no to them staying here."
"So because of that I would rather be comfortable in my own home."
"Then have it taken over."
"Have people go where they shouldn't and hear about it."
"So be pissed but I am not your maid."
"Your whipping horse."
"I am not someone you get to disrespect and then think I will fall at your feet to please you."
"So be pissed and I will enjoy the silence."
"But I am petty as hell."- tiny-pest
"Absolutely NTA."
"And there is no earthly reason for you to pay for their hotel costs!"- Purple-Gap2522
"If you don't both agree, they don't stay. It only takes one 'no' for having no visitors."
"There's no reason to bend over backwards to accommodate people who are disrespectful, lack empathy, and are unappreciative."
"Your husband falls into this group, too."
"His family FAFO by invading areas of your home they were NOT allowed in and criticizing you."
"Your husband FAFO, by siding with his family and being angry at you instead of directing his anger at them for trashing his wife, results in his family no longer being welcome."
"He wants to spend more time with them... they can all stay at the hotel together."
"Your husband will have the best of intentions to clean, but he'll fall back on his habit of not doing anything."
"Though he could hire a cleaning service before, during, and after their stay, but you'd be criticized for being lazy and wasting his money."
"He also did not enforce restricted areas."
"He could hire a bouncer to block those areas."
"Though his family would then end up insulted."
"Your home is not a hotel for other people's convenience."
"NTA."- Outrageous-forest
"NTA."
"They don't respect you or your husband or your privacy and therefore should not be invited to stay at your house."
"Let them criticize the hotel!"- Dazzling_Note6245
"NTA."
"Putting their snooping to the side for a minute, if your husband isn't willing to do 100% of the cleaning before they arrive AND after they leave and all the hosting duties in between, then he doesn't really want his family there."
"You allowed them in your home when you were drowning and they disrespected your rules for your home and then talked sh*t about it."
"Did your husband even defend you then?"- Beautiful-Scale2046
"NTA."
"Let him be upset."
"If you know he won't clean, then you know you are just setting yourself up for more trash talk from them."
"They already had their chance to prove they were trustworthy, and they failed."
"Your husband has had all this time to prove to you that he could handle the cleaning, and obviously, he has failed to do that."
"There is no reason to think his plan will work."- Deep-Okra1461
"100% NTA."
"Realistically, you are doing the work of 3 people; work, school, and caring for the household."
"It is unrealistic to expect you to perfectly and fully meet the demands of these 3 jobs, let alone agree to host judgmental guests."
"I would say you are much kinder than I am because I would not offer to pay for the hotel, I would just direct them to a hotel."
"I wish you the best."- Pleasant_Test_6088
When someone is courteous enough to welcome them into your home, it is always a good idea to return that courtesy.
Even if your hosts might not meet your standards of housekeeping.
It's also rather telling that the OP's SILs apparently chose to make snide remarks about the OP's apparent shortcomings in cleanliness rather than offer to help her out.
Knowing everything they'd been going through, let alone their own brother.
However, seeing as the OP's husband chose to take his sister's side rather than their spouse's, after everything the OP had done for him, one can't help but wonder if the OP's problems are a little closer to home...
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.