When a friend asks for our help, our first inclination is to offer it.
Most of the time, we feel good at the end of the day for doing so, knowing that we got our friend out of a bind and made a difference in their lives in the long run.
However, sometimes we aren't prepared for the sort of help our friends were looking for.
Occasionally, we find ourselves less than inclined to continue offering said help.
Redditor RavenFeather98 was initially happy to help a friend pursue a new professional aspiration.
However, with the passage of time, the original poster (OP)'s friend steadily began to expect more and more help than she was able to give.
Finally telling her friend she could no longer continue helping her.
After being called "selfish" by her friend for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to keep helping my friend with her side hustle after she started treating me like an unpaid employee?"
The OP explained why she felt she couldn't continue helping her friend with a business venture:
"I (28 F[emale]) have a friend, Chloe (29 F[emale]), who started an online jewelry business a few months ago."
"She asked me to help out here and there with packaging and social media stuff, saying it'd be chill and fun."
"I agreed 'cause I wanted to support her."
"At first, it was super low-key, like an hour or two a week."
"But over the last couple of months, it's gotten way out of hand."
"She sends me daily to-do lists, expects me to drop everything for her biz, and gets mad if I don't put her stuff before my actual job."
"She's even started calling me her 'social media assistant' to our friends, even though I'm not paid at all."
"Last week, she told me I had to spend my entire Saturday helping her prep for a craft fair, saying, 'You owe me this, you're part of the team!'"
"I told her nicely that I love supporting her, but I'm not her employee, and my time is valuable."
"I said I couldn't keep helping if it's not casual and if there's no pay for all the extra work."
"Chloe flipped out and called me selfish, saying I was 'abandoning' her and not a real friend."
"Now she's telling our friends I'm the bad guy for not helping her 'dream' come true."
"AITA for setting a boundary and refusing to do unpaid work?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to continue helping her friend:
Everyone agreed that the OP's friend was taking advantage of her, and if she wanted the OP as part of her business, then she needed to start treating her like a proper employee and start paying her.
"NTA."
"You agreed to casually help a friend with her side hustle, and she slowly morphed that into a full-blown job without pay or boundaries."
"That's not support, that's exploitation."
"The second she started sending you daily to-do lists and calling you her 'assistant', she crossed the line from 'chill and fun' to 'I'm taking advantage of your time and energy."
"You're not abandoning her dream, you're just not letting her live it on your back for free."
"Wanting to be compensated or at least respected for your time is not selfish, it's basic."
"Her guilt-tripping and turning your mutual friends against you is manipulative, not passionate."
"If she wants a team, she can hire one."
"You're not the villain for not being her unpaid intern."
"You're just someone who knows your worth."- Quirky-Ad1813
"NTA."
"You need to counter her narrative and tell your friends that she is treating you like an employee with no pay and damaging your personal life."
"Shut this down hard."
"She is acting with blinders on and using your generosity to further her business."- giantbrownguy
"NTA."
"She's a bad friend for expecting so much of you without compensation."
"At the same time, a good friend is willing to call you out if you're behaving poorly."
"Don't let her pressure you into backing down."
"Your time is valuable too."- 0biterdicta
"NTA she is."
"It is her business, not yours, and you have a life of your own."
"She is beyond ridiculous expecting you to be a FREE forever servant."- Initial_Potato5023
"NTA and your friend is taking advantage of you."
"I can't imagine other friends taking her side when it's clearly only benefiting her and you're getting nothing out of this at all."- BlondDee1970
"NTA."
"If any of your friends have a problem with it, then they can step up to help her."- Candid_Deer_8521
"If she can tell her friends how 'horrible' you are, she can ask them to help her with her 'biz'."
"NTA and I would limit, if not completely cut contact with her."
"She doesn't act like a friend."- mayd3r
"NTA."
"My favorite part is that you 'owe her'."
"Because she has been so gracious by letting you work for free up until now."- qtip53
"NTA."
"Respect and boundaries between friends are a two-way street."- Ivy-Turner
"NTA."
"If they're making money off it, they should be compensating you for your work."
"It's really that simple."
"A good friend wouldn't imagine not compensating you, they'd be offering something up front."-H_Lunulata
"You're the a-hole for letting it get this far and letting her use you."
"Dump her."
"She's no friend to you."
"NTA."- garthastro
"She called you selfish - so what?"
"She's maligning you to friends - who cares?"
"She claims that you torpedoed her dream - it's 'her' dream, so let her work for it."
"Enjoy the time that you won't be spending on her fruitless pursuit (fifty bucks says that this business has never earned a dime, and never will)."
"NTA."- CandylandCanada
"NTA."
"Either this is a hobby or this is business, neither of which you are obligated to help her."
"And if this is a business, her helpers are employees whom she must pay."- Tankline34
"NTA."
"'Supporting a friend' and 'being an unpaid employee' are two very different things."
"Chloe tried to pull a bait-and-switch, then got mad when you didn't fall for it."
"Setting boundaries is healthy, and a real friend would respect that, not try to guilt-trip you."-PavePhantom
"NTA."
"Supporting a friend doesn't mean being taken advantage of."
"You offered help, not free labor."
"Chloe crossed the line by treating you like an unpaid employee and guilt-tripping you for setting a reasonable boundary."
"That's not friendship... it's exploitation."- imnothatcute
"NTA."
"She sounds entitled and disrespectful."- hotmesssorry
"NTA."
"If she's making a profit and not sharing any of it with people who she's assigning tasks to do for her, she's the one not being supportive, or appreciative."- Ornery-Wasabi-473
"NTA."
"I think Chloe is very selfish and entitled."
"Even 1-2 hours a week was very generous of you."
"If Chloe thinks your time is that valuable, she needs to pay for it."
"At this point I wouldn't take money even if it was offered, but she should at least have offered to compensate you in some way."
"If Chloe or anyone else thinks otherwise, or if anyone thinks you somehow 'owe' Chloe your time, effort and inner peace, tell them they are also selfish and entitled and they are welcome to help Chloe."
"Maybe also show Chloe the comments on this thread."- Ravenclaw_Starshower
"Obviously NTA."
"Start sending her to-do lists for your real job."
"Tell her she needs to be there for you."
"Sheesh."- Quick-Possession-245
"NTA."
"You can't really think you are?"- Careless-Ability-748
"NTA."
"She needs to learn how to treat people."
"Mistreatment should come with consequences."- Noyoueatitbub
"NTA."
"Tell her you don't like working for free."
"You need to be compensated or you're done helping her."- CRK_76
"NTA."
"She can't have it both ways."
"Does she want a friend or an employee?"
"You have gone above and beyond."
"You should have learned to say no long before now."- Top_Philosopher1809
"You're NTA but you should have put your foot down and stopped letting Ms. Taskmaster take advantage of you weeks ago."- Dittoheadforever
"NTA."
"Unfriend her."
"She clearly just sees you as an unpaid worker/slave."
"Even if you guys try to work it out, she'll try to get you to 'help' once again because she has no intention of hiring employees."- S9_noworries
The fact that the OP's friend referred to her as a "social media assistant" would leave one to think that the OP was a paid, full-time employee.
In which case, the OP would be entitled to a salary.
If the OP's friend can't see and acknowledge that the OP has devoted more of her time and energy to her side hustle than she probably should have, then she isn't worthy of the OP's help.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.