Sometimes, marrying into a person's family is one of the most difficult things to do.
A person may love their spouse to death, but their family may be impossible to deal with.
This makes special occasions, like holidays, very stressful to plan.
But more often than not, boundaries have to be secured.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for expecting my wife to visit my family for the holidays?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (32)and I (33) married over 2 years ago, and she is still salty about what my parents wore to the wedding."
"My dad wore jeans with a blazer, and my mom wore a Patagonia-like vest under a silk shirt that was clearly visible and Crocs."
"I understand that was definitely not wedding-appropriate attire, and I did tell them what to wear; however, having dealt with them my entire life, I cannot say I'm surprised."
"She says she is upset because our wedding photos were not nice to look at, and she never framed them."
"My dad also yelled at the waiter, which was bad, yes, but she didn't know until after the wedding, and my sister managed to get him under control, so it didn't impact the wedding."
"We fought about this for a few days after the end of the wedding."
"But it died down and we stopped discussing it partly because my parents live 7 hours away, so she never interacted with them after the wedding."
"She told me then she wasn't visiting my family, and I took it to mean that year, which was fine as the memory was too fresh, but she actually meant never."
"We had our son 8 months ago, and she refuses to come to see my parents for the holidays."
"I would understand if it was that she wasn't feeling well, but she is feeling amazing because she hiked for hours the previous weekend and wants to go skiing again this season."
"She basically just doesn't want to interact with my family."
"My parents are not easy to deal with."
"My dad is not friendly, and he is bitter from being unaccomplished, so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude."
"However, visiting once a year and sucking it up for a few hours a day when he hasn't actually blown up or made comments towards my wife beyond at the beginning when he said he doesn't like her profession and not to her face doesn't seem unreasonable for her to dislike him that much."
"But she refuses, and traveling with an 8-month-old is incredibly difficult."
"She is still breastfeeding him, but has some frozen milk built up and thinks I should accept her not wanting to visit my parents by either bringing the frozen milk to feed him for a few days, or I go alone."
"I tried to tell her it is really rude not to at least try to get along, and if there is a fight, she won't need to interact with them again, but she straight up refuses."
"I feel like I'm being made the a**hole for expecting her to do this, but speaking with colleagues and close friends, most have family they do not like and most do not like their I[n]-L[aw]s and still make an effort to at least go once a year but my wife says they ruined her wedding photos so she not visiting them makes them even."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"YTA, My parents are miserable people."
"I told them if they gave my husband attitude or tried any of their manipulative bulls**t with him, I would cut them off so fast their heads would spin."
"That's how you're supposed to handle the situation."
"You're basically saying, 'Yeah, my parents are awful, but she just needs to suck it up for a couple of days a year.'"
"And that's a stupid way to live life."
"Stand up for your wife!"
"You married her and had a kid with her; she should come first."
"Go see your parents, and if they ask where she is, say that they are miserable people who owe her an apology and that you completely understand why she doesn't want to visit them."
"Basically, you need to grow a backbone."
"You're an adult with a family of your own at this point."
"Stop enabling their bad behavior just because it's easier to deal with." ~ Lighthouse_on_Mars
"Right!! Why can't parents suck it up and apologize and be nice long enough for a visit?"
"Huge YTA for not holding parents to any kind of standard." ~ Suzdg
"If there is any visit, it should be OP's parents travelling to them, staying in a hotel, and having a meal/meeting with them outside the home in a neutral, public environment where OP's wife can take the child and leave the situation the instant the parents do or say something unacceptable." ~ No-Assignment5538
"YTA- it isn't just about the wedding (which... wow that's another post entirely)."
"They're rude, off-putting, and seemingly very selfish people- and your dad throws tantrums."
"Your wife is a brand new mom, and they live 7 hours away."
"It is completely ABNORMAL in my opinion to expect her to travel like that, and be around awful people, while trying to breastfeed feed etc."
"You're being an awful new dad and a terrible husband."
"If your parents want to see you all so bad, they can travel 7 hours to you, and GET A HOTEL ROOM." ~ strangeloop414
"YTA -- for next gift giving occasion this year, pay for someone to Photoshop your parents out of the wedding photos and have them printed for her." ~ LlaputanLlama
"YTA. Your wife is dealing with 2 babies at the moment."
"Grow a spine."
"Your parents were incredibly disrespectful of your wife and your marriage by not dressing appropriately."
"You want your wife to 'visit once a year and sucking it up for a few hours a day, ' but your parents couldn't suck it up for your wedding???"
"Most parents are very happy to dress up for their kids' weddings."
"'My dad is not friendly, and he is bitter from being unaccomplished, so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude.'"
"Sounds like your wife has the self-respect to not be in the presence of someone who makes her uncomfortable."
"If you want to put up with him, that's your choice; she gets to make that choice too."
"You have to back your wife, dude, that's your family now, your parents are extended family."
"Your parents shouldn't expect to see her until they apologize for the disrespect and fix their attitudes." ~ GuessTurbulent9556
"So, let me make sure I understand."
"Your parents have shown disrespect for your wife."
"Traveling with an infant for 7 hours anywhere is 'incredibly difficult.'"
"You have tried to minimize and belittle her feelings."
"What have you and your parents done to try to make an obligatory visit more pleasant and agreeable for your wife?"
"It sounds like you are demanding she make all the sacrifices to avoid being 'really rude' to parents who have shown little respect or kindness to your wife. YTA." ~ BlatantEgg4314
"YTA. Asking her to spend the holidays with your mess of a family is a bridge too far." ~ castle_waffles
"So all they did was ruin her wedding photos… except that they also yelled at a waiter, but she didn't personally see that, so it's fine."
"Your dad is bitter and angry and unpleasant to be around, but he's never said anything bad to her... except for the time that he insulted her profession, but he didn't say it to her face, so what's the problem, right?"
"YTA. If you want to subject yourself to horrible people, then have at it; there's no reason she has to do the same." ~ Scary-Fix-5546
"Based on the info you have provided, YTA."
"Your parents sound rude, inconsiderate, ignorant, and demanding."
"Yet you want to subject your wife to their treatment."
"I don't even know your family, and yet I feel personally insulted at the thought of your mother wearing Crocs to your wedding."
"I don't blame your wife for not wanting to be around them." ~ AirportPrestigious
"YTA, your parents disrespected your wife and did it purposely, and ruined the wedding and the wedding photos, and you seriously expect her to interact with them."
"Divorce is in your future if you continue to try to force these people on your wife."
"If you are so indoctrinated and suffer from Stockholm syndrome for your parents, go alone and don't whine and complain about it; you are actively choosing to spend time with horribly toxic people over your wife and child." ~ MejahSabbat
"YTA. You keep adding more reasons why she would never want to have anything to do with them again, and then say 'but she can man up for a few hours' after a seven-hour drive with an infant... as if that's in any world reasonable."
"If you want to see your parents, then go."
"Don't expect her to put herself out there to someone who is bitter, angry, and resentful of her." ~ michelleinAZ
Reddit has some issues with your request, OP.
Your wife has made herself clear.
She is nursing a newborn.
Maybe in the future she'll tag along when things are less stressful.
But right now, she and your son are priority, not your parents' feelings.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.