Sometimes, marrying into a person’s family is one of the most difficult things to do.
A person may love their spouse to death, but their family may be impossible to deal with.
This makes special occasions, like holidays, very stressful to plan.
But more often than not, boundaries have to be secured.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for expecting my wife to visit my family for the holidays?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (32)and I (33) married over 2 years ago, and she is still salty about what my parents wore to the wedding.”
“My dad wore jeans with a blazer, and my mom wore a Patagonia-like vest under a silk shirt that was clearly visible and Crocs.”
“I understand that was definitely not wedding-appropriate attire, and I did tell them what to wear; however, having dealt with them my entire life, I cannot say I’m surprised.”
“She says she is upset because our wedding photos were not nice to look at, and she never framed them.”
“My dad also yelled at the waiter, which was bad, yes, but she didn’t know until after the wedding, and my sister managed to get him under control, so it didn’t impact the wedding.”
“We fought about this for a few days after the end of the wedding.”
“But it died down and we stopped discussing it partly because my parents live 7 hours away, so she never interacted with them after the wedding.”
“She told me then she wasn’t visiting my family, and I took it to mean that year, which was fine as the memory was too fresh, but she actually meant never.”
“We had our son 8 months ago, and she refuses to come to see my parents for the holidays.”
“I would understand if it was that she wasn’t feeling well, but she is feeling amazing because she hiked for hours the previous weekend and wants to go skiing again this season.”
“She basically just doesn’t want to interact with my family.”
“My parents are not easy to deal with.”
“My dad is not friendly, and he is bitter from being unaccomplished, so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude.”
“However, visiting once a year and sucking it up for a few hours a day when he hasn’t actually blown up or made comments towards my wife beyond at the beginning when he said he doesn’t like her profession and not to her face doesn’t seem unreasonable for her to dislike him that much.”
“But she refuses, and traveling with an 8-month-old is incredibly difficult.”
“She is still breastfeeding him, but has some frozen milk built up and thinks I should accept her not wanting to visit my parents by either bringing the frozen milk to feed him for a few days, or I go alone.”
“I tried to tell her it is really rude not to at least try to get along, and if there is a fight, she won’t need to interact with them again, but she straight up refuses.”
“I feel like I’m being made the a**hole for expecting her to do this, but speaking with colleagues and close friends, most have family they do not like and most do not like their I[n]-L[aw]s and still make an effort to at least go once a year but my wife says they ruined her wedding photos so she not visiting them makes them even.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA, My parents are miserable people.”
“I told them if they gave my husband attitude or tried any of their manipulative bulls**t with him, I would cut them off so fast their heads would spin.”
“That’s how you’re supposed to handle the situation.”
“You’re basically saying, ‘Yeah, my parents are awful, but she just needs to suck it up for a couple of days a year.'”
“And that’s a stupid way to live life.”
“Stand up for your wife!”
“You married her and had a kid with her; she should come first.”
“Go see your parents, and if they ask where she is, say that they are miserable people who owe her an apology and that you completely understand why she doesn’t want to visit them.”
“Basically, you need to grow a backbone.”
“You’re an adult with a family of your own at this point.”
“Stop enabling their bad behavior just because it’s easier to deal with.” ~ Lighthouse_on_Mars
“Right!! Why can’t parents suck it up and apologize and be nice long enough for a visit?”
“Huge YTA for not holding parents to any kind of standard.” ~ Suzdg
“If there is any visit, it should be OP’s parents travelling to them, staying in a hotel, and having a meal/meeting with them outside the home in a neutral, public environment where OP’s wife can take the child and leave the situation the instant the parents do or say something unacceptable.” ~ No-Assignment5538
“YTA- it isn’t just about the wedding (which… wow that’s another post entirely).”
“They’re rude, off-putting, and seemingly very selfish people- and your dad throws tantrums.”
“Your wife is a brand new mom, and they live 7 hours away.”
“It is completely ABNORMAL in my opinion to expect her to travel like that, and be around awful people, while trying to breastfeed feed etc.”
“You’re being an awful new dad and a terrible husband.”
“If your parents want to see you all so bad, they can travel 7 hours to you, and GET A HOTEL ROOM.” ~ strangeloop414
“YTA — for next gift giving occasion this year, pay for someone to Photoshop your parents out of the wedding photos and have them printed for her.” ~ LlaputanLlama
“YTA. Your wife is dealing with 2 babies at the moment.”
“Grow a spine.”
“Your parents were incredibly disrespectful of your wife and your marriage by not dressing appropriately.”
“You want your wife to ‘visit once a year and sucking it up for a few hours a day, ‘ but your parents couldn’t suck it up for your wedding???”
“Most parents are very happy to dress up for their kids’ weddings.”
“‘My dad is not friendly, and he is bitter from being unaccomplished, so that basically has left him with a miserable attitude.'”
“Sounds like your wife has the self-respect to not be in the presence of someone who makes her uncomfortable.”
“If you want to put up with him, that’s your choice; she gets to make that choice too.”
“You have to back your wife, dude, that’s your family now, your parents are extended family.”
“Your parents shouldn’t expect to see her until they apologize for the disrespect and fix their attitudes.” ~ GuessTurbulent9556
“So, let me make sure I understand.”
“Your parents have shown disrespect for your wife.”
“Traveling with an infant for 7 hours anywhere is ‘incredibly difficult.'”
“You have tried to minimize and belittle her feelings.”
“What have you and your parents done to try to make an obligatory visit more pleasant and agreeable for your wife?”
“It sounds like you are demanding she make all the sacrifices to avoid being ‘really rude’ to parents who have shown little respect or kindness to your wife. YTA.” ~ BlatantEgg4314
“YTA. Asking her to spend the holidays with your mess of a family is a bridge too far.” ~ castle_waffles
“So all they did was ruin her wedding photos… except that they also yelled at a waiter, but she didn’t personally see that, so it’s fine.”
“Your dad is bitter and angry and unpleasant to be around, but he’s never said anything bad to her… except for the time that he insulted her profession, but he didn’t say it to her face, so what’s the problem, right?”
“YTA. If you want to subject yourself to horrible people, then have at it; there’s no reason she has to do the same.” ~ Scary-Fix-5546
“Based on the info you have provided, YTA.”
“Your parents sound rude, inconsiderate, ignorant, and demanding.”
“Yet you want to subject your wife to their treatment.”
“I don’t even know your family, and yet I feel personally insulted at the thought of your mother wearing Crocs to your wedding.”
“I don’t blame your wife for not wanting to be around them.” ~ AirportPrestigious
“YTA, your parents disrespected your wife and did it purposely, and ruined the wedding and the wedding photos, and you seriously expect her to interact with them.”
“Divorce is in your future if you continue to try to force these people on your wife.”
“If you are so indoctrinated and suffer from Stockholm syndrome for your parents, go alone and don’t whine and complain about it; you are actively choosing to spend time with horribly toxic people over your wife and child.” ~ MejahSabbat
“YTA. You keep adding more reasons why she would never want to have anything to do with them again, and then say ‘but she can man up for a few hours’ after a seven-hour drive with an infant… as if that’s in any world reasonable.”
“If you want to see your parents, then go.”
“Don’t expect her to put herself out there to someone who is bitter, angry, and resentful of her.” ~ michelleinAZ
Reddit has some issues with your request, OP.
Your wife has made herself clear.
She is nursing a newborn.
Maybe in the future she’ll tag along when things are less stressful.
But right now, she and your son are priority, not your parents’ feelings.